Title: Hairy Poofter and the Sorcerer's Bone

Author: mishap

Rating: NC17

Fandom: Harry Potter

Disclaimer: Any rights I am entitled to I freely give back to the copyrighted owners of Harry Potter. I own nothing and make no claims.

Pairing: HP/SS

Status: WIP

Series: God I hope not.

Archive: WWOMB, and others ask and you shall receive.

Warning: If you are not 18 and don't like m/m relationships don't read this.

Notes: This started out as a conversation in which I misheard something my 19 year old son said and went waaaaay downhill from there at which point rabid plot bunnies tried to gnaw off my ankles.

WARNING PARODY. If you don't know what a parody is look it up.

Summary: Hairy knows what he wants and is determined to get it.

Warning Spellchecked but not beta'd

Hairy Poofter and the Sorcerer's Bone
by mishap

"Why?" Hairy wailed to the headmaster. "Can't I seem to get him to respond to me? Aren't I pretty enough?"

Professor Dumblydoor took in the vision before him running his eyes over the pastel green form fitting robes that perfectly matched his student's eyes, the expert but subtle make up, the delicate perfectly manicured hands and the waist length curled and perfumed lustrous black hair and sighed. "Hairy that just the problem. Severus has just always been a bit different and his experiences have just reinforced it. Pretty scares him, he's always felt that beauty is suspect and fickle and just not trustworthy."

"Oh, that explains so much." Hairy said sympathetically. "He was one of Voldie's death eater bitches wasn't he?"

"He took the tattoo an started the body modification before coming to his senses." Dumblydoor tacitly agreed. "Of course using his talents in potions he managed to reverse all the changes before they became permanent but the dear boy has never been the same since." The professor continued in a troubled voice stroking his ribbon-bedecked beard in a gesture of self-comfort. "He always did like his boyfriends on the butch side, to use a muggle phrase, however since then he's gone to extremes most of them have looked absolutely straight and in the past few years I think he's even dated women, when he's dated at all."

Hairy spoke excitedly. "Now that I think about it I'm sure that I've caught him looking at me during Quidditch practice. But with no make up and being all sweaty I was sure I was just imagining things. I mean really, Quidditch robes and no makeup. My hair tied back in a braid is comfortable, but I never thought anyone could possibly find me attractive like that." Hairy said wonderingly.

Dumblydoor's eyes twinkled "You'd be surprised at how people enjoy the sight of you in your Quidditch robes.

"Oh, you too?" Hairy asked curious.

"Definitely." He replied. "A young man in the bloom of youth. Glowing with the honest sweat from physical exertions can be a positively mouth-watering sight."

"And I thought it just made one appear unwashed." Hairy mused caught off guard by the new point of view.

The professor replied encouragingly" There is a great deal of difference between filthy and a healthily exercised body, Hairy. It can be quite enticing to see a well toned body working well as it should."

"Hmm, you know I have been meaning to spend more time in the gym working out… But it is always so unpleasant to have to deal with all those leather boys from Slytherin who think the weight room is their own private domain." He sighed.

"Faint heart never won fair maiden…or in this case," Dumblydoor grinned. "Snarky Potions Master."

***********************

Foregoing his usual rather elaborate style of dress that he wore even while working out. Hairy took a deep breath and walked into the gym dressed in muggle style exercise clothes consisting of a pair of spandex bicycle shorts and a snug tank top. And with his hair braided back from his makeup free face.

Ignoring the glares and whispers of the Slytherins who occupied the room he took a seat at an empty bench and began his workout.

Mere minutes later he was interrupted, as expected, by the unofficial leader and top dog of the Slytherins Draco Malfey.

Taking a stance that Hairy was sure he practiced in the mirror Draco attempted to intimidate Hairy by sheer presence alone. It didn't work. In fact in never had. Hairy could just never take him seriously, the slender body that remained slight no how matter how much time he put in pumping iron, the pale ruthlessly slicked back hair just seemed to him to be such a parody of a dominant that he was always tempted to laugh rather than feel dominated like he was sure he was supposed to.

Continuing his repetitions the young Gryffindor paid no attention to the posturing Slytherin forcing Draco to make the first move.

"Poofter, what do you think you're doing in here?" he barked out forcefully.

"Bicep curls." Hairy replied blandly.

"That's not what I meant an you know it." The young Slytherin replied with an undertone of menace.

Hairy paused in his workout and stare the blonde straight in the eye. "The gym is open to all student, it's not your exclusive property, despite the fact that most of the rest of us just don't feel like making an issue of it. So deal with it and leave me alone." he finished going back to his bicep curls and ignoring the look of shock that passed over Draco's face at his blunt words.

Draco sneered. "Finally growing a spine are you."

Beginning to be irritated by the other boy's harassment Hairy replied. "No spine necessary when dealing with the likes of you. Despite your pretensions of being a Dom you practically scream bottom boy. So why don't you take your two goons." He indicated the hulking boys that had moved to flank their De Facto leader. "Crabby and Girly and PISS OFF?" he shouted surprising his adversary into taking a step back at the unexpected volume of his last two words.

"Poofter I'm warning you…"

"Is there a problem boys?" came the dark silky tones of the object of Hairy's affectionate obsession caused goose bumps to break out all down Hairy's spine.

"No problems sir." Hairy replied to the teacher who had so silently appeared out of the gym office. "Just wanted to make sure Malfey could hear what I said."

"Well then," Professor Snape suggested. "You'd better get on with it then Poofter. Malfey I think you had better do the same."

Chapter Two

After completing his workout satisfactorily Hairy casually sauntered out of the gym aware of the eyes that followed his every move and waited until he turned the corner before putting on a burst of speed and racing back to the Gryffindor tower. He couldn't wait to share his new with his best friends Ronnie Weasel and Hermie Grazer their house's token straight couple.

Bursting into the common room he surprised his friends making out on the couch and immediately fought to overcome his revulsion. "Eew" he squealed. "I know you guys are crazy for each other but do you have to do that where I can see it?"

"Hey" Ronnie objected. "It's nothing that you haven't done right here on this very same couch and in front of an audience too."

"I know, I know sorry." Hairy apologized. "It's just…Hermie's a girl and…"

"And just what's wrong with girls?" Hermie demanded her hands on her hips and eyes blazing.

"Nothing, It was just the surprise of seeing you two together just kinda squicked me a bit." He said placatingly. "It caught me off guard and …" Hairy shrugged helplessly his eyes begging for forgiveness.

Hermie sighed and said. "Ok I forgive you; you can turn off the puppy dog eyes. And tell us what's got you so excited."

Hairy began to bounce in place as he described the results of his afternoon at the gym and how Professor Snake had upheld his right to be there and how he had observed the Professor watching him unobtrusively when he thought the he wasn't looking.

"I'm just so happy." Hairy bubbled. "I was about to lose hope and give up until I talked to Headmaster Dumblydoor and I took his advice and I finally think I have a chance with Professor Snake."

Looking a bit green around the gills Ronnie said faintly. "Are you sure about this Hairy? I mean Snake is such a bastard to all of us in our love potions and aphrodisiacs class and lets the Slytherins get away with murder at the same time. Do you really want him to be your first lover? I know you've had a thing for him forever but still…" he trailed off looking at his best friend helplessly.

"Oh yes" Hairy said dreamily. "Can't you just imagine it he's so stern and dominating and that voice of his…"

Ronnie shuddered and swallowed noisily looking even sicker at the idea. "Well mate I guess if that's what you want, but please no details."

Hairy pouted. "You're my best friend and I want to be able to share everything with you."

Hermie interrupted. "Hairy don't tease Ronnie you know how is about that. I'll be glad listen."

He grinned. "I know I just can't help but tease him a bit he takes the bait so well."

"Hey." Ronnie said glaring at his two friends as they giggled helplessly at the expression his face. Throwing his hands up in exasperation Ronnie accused. "You're both nutters." And watched as they went into hysterics before stomping off.

"Hermie" Hairy gasped between subsiding bouts of giggles. "You'd better go after him or he'll pout and be impossible for days."

Hermie sighed abruptly losing the desire to laugh. "I love Ronnie dearly, but I swear if he doesn't start showing some maturity and common sense soon I am gonna beat with a broom until he does." She said coming to her feet and putting her hands on her hips.

"Not my Firebolt!" Hairy stood up leaping to the defense of his beloved broom.

"Of course not." Hermie shot him a glare. "His broom" she said with a positively evil gleam in her eyes."

Watching her Hairy shuddered suddenly glad that the closest he'd ever come to getting involved with a girl was his crush on the transvestite Cho Chong and that relationship had soured after he'd figured out what a drama queen Cho was. Hairy shook his head he still couldn't decide what to call that relationship even now. They hadn't really even dated Cho just wanted someone to pour sympathy out while Cho carried on and cried about how cruel life was. He was well out of it now and winced in sympathy for Cho's next victim glad it wasn't him.

Chapter Three

Hairy kept up his campaign of displaying his body in muggle clothes in the gym. He watched as Professor Snake made it a habit to leave his office shortly after Hairy arrived every day ostensibly to spot various Slytherins as they worked out even occasionally spotting for Hairy.

He was becoming frustrated; he'd succeeded in luring him so close and no closer. Hairy was starting to despair that he'd ever gain the attention of the man who haunted his dreams both day and night.

He'd done just about everything outside of an all out frontal assault that he could think of and was starting to wonder if you could die of frustration and too much masturbation. He was even carrying over the plainer look into the way he dressed every day and was the recipient of more than one smoldering look during his Professor's love potions and aphrodisiacs class, but still nothing more substantial.

Hairy was almost ready to throw in the towel and give it all up as a lost cause when Hermie had her brilliant idea and he was reminded why she carried the best marks the school had seen in decades. No was the time to implement that plan.

Walking to the gym he kept his excitement and anticipation under close wraps as he made his way to his usual bench to begin warm ups an stretches before starting his workout. Dropping the small black bag he carried beside it nonchalantly. He waited for the pest that was Draco Malfey to pick up on this deviation from his usual behavior and right on schedule was Malfey the mouth to stick his nose in Hairy's business.

"What's in the bag Poofter?" he demanded closely followed by his idiot groupies who'd only had one brain to share between the two of them before it had died of loneliness.

Hairy sighed; he seemed to do that a lot around these three. "Girly, Crabby, Malfey." He acknowledged. "Not that it is any business of your Malfey just clothes." Hairy answered bending down to continue his stretches. Holding his ankles and resting his face against his knees he continued the stretch Professor Snake had showed him when he'd complained of soreness in his hamstring and calves while Malfey sputtered incoherently.

"Malfey." Barked Professor Snake. "I've warned you about making a nuisance of yourself when other students are trying to exercise."

I snapped up to standing so quickly on hearing `his' voice so close that I was a bit lightheaded only to get an additional thrill when the Professor laid a steadying hand on my should for a moment before Malfey ruined it by whining.

"But Professor he brought a bag in here and hid it under his bench."

"I'm not hiding anything." I objected trying to appear calm while my heart was racing. "I kicked my bang under the bench so it didn't trip anyone or get in the way if I needed a spotter.

Malfey once again played the role Hermie and I had envisioned perfectly. "Make him open it and show you what's in it." He demanded. "I know it's some kind of trick."

P professor Snake was scowling and even that self-centered idiot Draco withered a bit under his dark regard. Still glaring at his house's most recalcitrant member he asked me. "Poofter, would you open the bag and show me the contents if you please."

No problem Professor." I said pulling the bag out and setting it on the bench. I unzipped the bag and spread it open showing the innocent clothes and towel and I lifted them and a dark glass bottle out and showed them the empty bag.

"See; see I told you he was up to something. What's in the bottle, Poofter?" Malfey almost bounced he was so excite thinking he caught me out."

"Massage oil and some clean clothes to wear after my shower because I am tired of walking back to the dorm all sweaty is hardly sinister Malfey." I said dryly.

"Like that's really what's in there." Malfey sneered.

Professor Snake lifted the bottle in question and removed the lid taking a caution sniff. "Well Malfey" he glared. "That's exactly what it is. Sandalwood essence I believe to be exact." He lifted an enquiring brow in my direction and I nodded.

Turning back to Malfey he positively grow at the young Slytherin who was gaping most unattractively his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water and not a sound escaping, for once. "Mr. Malfey, you are confined to the dorm for the rest of the evening you've cost your fellow Slytherins twenty points and earned yourself a week's detention with Argus Filth for wasting my time." He said icily.

"But-"

"Not another word unless you'd like to make it forty points and two weeks."

Malfey shut his mouth with an audible snap before turning and stomping out of the gym closely followed by his sycophants.

I almost felt sorry for him he had good instincts, but unfortunately he lacked the imagination to see that the `trick' was getting the bag's contents to Snake's attention.

I looked up at Professor Snake and saw that he was positively seething. I needed to do something to distract him.

"Professor" I said catching his attention. "Sorry about all this." I dissembled.

"Don't be it's not your fault." He said staring at the door Malfey had left through, a far away look in his eye he continued. "I think the only reason he was place in my house is that in any of the others they would have killed by now. Unfortunately they suck up to and tolerate his attitude so they can use him and his family's influence to further their own agendas." He seemed to remember who he was speaking to and turned the glare on me, and warned "If you repeat that…"

"Repeat what?" I questioned grinning innocently.

"Poofter sometimes I wonder why YOU aren't in my house."

"I almost was." I revealed.

"What!" I'd finally surprise him.

When we were sorted Malfey went first and he was sorted into Slytherin the sorting hat was gonna put me there too, but I begged and pleaded with it not to."

"Why?" Professor snake's face darkened and he sneered "Wasn't Slytherin good enough for you?"

I hastily explained. "I'd met Draco in Diagonal Alley a few days earlier and I knew that if I had to spend that much time with him I'd end up in Azkaban for killing him."

His face relaxing back into its normally stern lines he commented "I may have to give you more credit for intelligence than I have before." One side of his lips twitched in an almost smile. "But don't count on it." He laughed at the face I made and started the other occupants of the gym into staring.

As he began to turn away I blurted out. "Professor."

He turned back. "Yes, Poofter?"

"I was wondering if after my shower you could help me out." I rushed on. "That's why I brought the oil with me. I was wondering if you could work some stiffness out of my back and neck Madam Pompey's hands aren't strong enough to get it and the guys in my dorm don't really know what they're doing."

You've been doing the warm ups I gave you haven't you?" he asked.

"Yes, sir I always do it just seems to be a little residual soreness and I already checked with Madam Pompey. In fact she recommended that I ask you or Haggard."

"I thought Haggard was your friend?" Snake questioned suspicion in his now narrowed eyes.

"He is and however, much I like him and enjoy his company he really doesn't control his strength all that well. And to be quite honest would you let him work on your back and neck knowing that? I asked and surprised another short burst of mirth out of him.

"Hairy" he said. "There is no way in hell I would ever let Haggard lay a hand any where near my neck. I `m afraid the temptation to squeeze might be too much for him."

Thinking about the enmity between the two men I had to agree. "So will you?"

"Stop by my office before you shower and let me know and I will be glad to help." He said and I noticed that the smoldering glow I'd noticed on previous occasions was back in his eyes and I felt a thrill of anticipation run down my spine.

I watched his retreating back for a moment before going back to my interrupted workout.

end part 3