Title: Dreams, Dormious Projectionous Potion and red Leather
Author: Max
E-mail:jadekirk007@yahoo.co.uk
Rating: R to be on the safe side
Pairings: Snape/Hermione
Archive: Yes, please
Summary: When Snape tests a newly invented potion on his students and asks them about their dreams he gets an in-depth view into their minds. Author's Note: Some of the characters are from 'The New Arrival.' and it explains what happened in the potion's lab during that detention. Also some mentions of characters from the fic 'Snape's Brothers' so be warned but this is set before that fic. Set in Harry's Sixth year. This is an AU because I haven't killed off Siruis and he's been found innocent.
Some of the dream sequences are from the film 'Not Another Teen Movie' and others. I think they should stop watching those muggle movies before they go to bed. 2nd Author's Note: "Blah blah" is speaking, 'thinks' is thought, **Zzzzz** is dream sequences, //POV// is the characters POV and +FB+ is a flashback. Also all dream sequences are in script form to make it easier to separate them.
Dreams, Dormious Projectionous Potion And Red Leather
by Max
"Today we'll be testing a new potion a couple of dunderheads had invented, quite by accident. I believe it is a new version of truth potion." Snape growled, looking around at his wary students, and hid a smirk as he remembered how the potion, he was now holding in his hand, came to be. +FB+
It was all Jade Kirk's and Ginny Weasley's fault. If Jade hadn't've added too many newts' livers, it wouldn't've exploded, and he wouldn't've gotten a faceful of the stuff Most of it had landed in Snape's hair and was slowly dripping down his face making him look like a badly iced cake and there was a foul smell of chicken and lemon cake in the air. Unfortunately he couldn't dismiss them for another hour so he resigned himself to listening to the two girls gossip about boys and make up.
Jade had then turned to Ginny Weasley and had admitted to having a huge crush on Professor Lupin and then proceeded in telling, a stunned Ginny and an amused Snape, just who she had been kissing, and doing other things with, in great detail, making Ginny and Snape blush. Ginny had giggled and admitted to having crushes on Draco Malfoy and Siruis Black, causing Snape's eyebrows to raise. Jade had just giggled. Ginny also admitted to a secret fantasy of her's
involving Draco Malfoy and Sirius Black. Snape found himself admitting to them that he liked Hermione causing Jade to giggle and Ginny to exclaim that she thought they were perfect for each other. Jade had When the potion had worn off a little while later they resolved not to tell anyone else what they had revealed to each other, but they also plotted to find out what does go on in the students' minds so 'Project Mind-Sifter' was born.
+END FB+
Snape shook his head, banishing those images to the back of his mind, he said, "Now I will be giving you each a small amount of potion. I will be asking you questions. What you tell me will go no further, unless of course it is of interest to me." He walked around the desks giving out vials of the potion. When he was done he, returned to his desk and, pointed to Harry Potter. "You Potter. Drink your potion."
Harry looked worried but downed it anyway.
Snape smirked, 'This is easier than I thought.'
A dream-like expression came over Harry's face.
"Now Potter tell me the dream you had last night." A bubble had emerged from Harry's head and images swirled around in it, slowly coming into focus and Harry's dream started.
**Harry's Dream
(An American Football game and Harry is sitting on the sidelines. They other players are running around, tackling each other, and the clock on the scoreboard ticks to zero.)
Announcer: Whoah that was the fastest first half in football I've ever seen.
(We cut to Lavender, and the other Gryffindor cheerleaders, Three of their rivals, the Slytherins girls, march over.) Pansy their leader gets into Lavender's face.)
Pansy: Don't think you're fooling us coz we saw you at our practices and we know you stole our routines.
Lavender: 'Kay, I don't know what you're talking about and we've always done our own cheers. Right girls?
Ginny and Hermione: That's right.
Pansy: Well you better bring it.
Lavender: Oh it's already been brought.
Parvati: Nice come back Lavender.
(Cut to the Gryffindor girls' cheer)
Cheerleaders: We are the sexy slytherins. We're bad, we know it! We shake our big booties and we show it! We ain't good! We ain't good! We definitely ain't good! Break it down dudes! (they do their dance to a techno beat)
(Cut to the Announcer. We see the announcers face for the first time and it's...................)
Snape: Damn those bitches represent.
**End Harry's dream.
"Cheerleaders? Mr Potter, American Football?" Snape commented, flabbergasted. 'Well that was new. Why didn't that happen when it exploded?'
"Yeah well, Professor, that was quite a nice dream considering..." Harry blushed.
"Damn, why don't we have cheerleaders here?" Dean yelled across the classroom.
"Probably because you wouldn't be able to concentrate on the game if we did, Mr Thomas."
"Harry, How could you dream of such a demeaning thing?" Hermione wailed.
"Come on Hermione, You looked good in Harry's dream."
'He's right....Damn, shame it was only a dream.' Snape thought to himself, getting lost into his fantasy, only coming out of it when Harry said something. "Huh? Potter did you just say something?"
"I asked, who was next?" Harry stated.
Snape stared at him a bit longer then turned to Draco Malfoy. "Mr Malfoy, you're next."
Draco downed it in one, and waited, 'Ooh I hope it doesn't show that nice dream about Harry.' were his thoughts before the dream took over.
**Draco's Dream**
(An American Football game (again) and Draco is sitting on the sidelines. They other players are running around, tackling each other, one of the other players is injured and the coach turns to Draco.)
Coach: Ok Draco I've got no choice you're the only quarterback I have left.
(Draco looks worried at this, but before he can do anything a shadow falls over him)
Shadow: Got butterflies huh?
Draco: Who are you?
Shadow (unzipping his jacket, revealing BA, who sits down): I'm the wise janitor. I've come to impart knowledge, helping youngsters overcome their fears also replace the tablets on the urinals, but right now I'm here to help you get your throw back. Draco: How did you......
BA: I've been watching you, during practice, in the hallways, in the locker room, taking a shower, whipping the other boys with a wet towel, Hmmm, can tell you kinda like that.
Draco: Whoah can we get back to my throw?
**End Draco's Dream**
"I think you two have been watching 'Not Another Teen Movie' too many times, Mr Potter, Mr Malfoy..."
"How do you know about muggle movies, Professor?"
"Well...." Snape mumbled, 'One of my brothers lives in the muggle world and when I visit he makes me watch the latest films...Thinking of him, haven't seen him in a while. Hmm who's next? I know Hermione. I have to see who she dreams of.' He glared at Draco, "Never you mind.
Miss Granger you're next."
Hermione grinned, not looking at all worried and drank the potion.
**Hermione's dream.**
( Potions lab. Hermione walks in and sees professor Snape wearing a bunny girl outfit. She walks towards him.)
Hermione: Professor? What are you wearing?
Snape: Oh you're right I should change.(takes out wand and points it at himself, changing his clothes into a long toga) How's this? Not good enough? Hermione: Well.........I prefer it tighter.
Snape: Damn girl you are hard to please. (Points wand at himself again and he turn his clothes into a suit, and he's holding a Series 4 Deatomizer ala Men in Black) How's this?
Hermione: Nah Tommy Lee Jones is not my type.
Snape: (sighs) God give me strength (Points wand at himself again and he turn his clothes into an Indian) This satisfy you my dear?
Hermione: I never wanted to be a squaw.
(Snape takes out wand and points it at himself, changing his clothes into an extremely tight red leather catsuit, with horns coming out of his head and complete with a pointed tail, which shows of his body very nicely)
Snape: How does this tickle your fancy? (Hermione gulps but he can see she likes it. Snape smirks and reaches for the zip that is down the front of the catsuit) Or would you prefer it off me? (Slowly unzips the catsuit) Tell me you want it off
Hermione: Take it off, (Snape is still slowly unzipping the catsuit) Stop being a tease. If you don't get it off in the next minute I will rip it off. (Snape walks slowly toward her and leans in still unzipping the zip, they embrace in a passionate kiss. But Snape suddenly pulls back and begins rapidly licking Hermione's ear with a rough tongue... which is kinda weird.)
**End Hermione's dream **
Chapter 2
Hermione looked at Snape, to find him, looking stunned but he also had a smirk on his face, "Professor.... I..... er..... um......" Snape raised an eyebrow at her stumbling over her words. Hermione blushed and muttered under her breath, "Damn..."
"Miss....er...Granger, Why......" He stumbled over his words, 'Wow, she dreams of me. It'll be easier than I thought to get her where I want her...' He found his voice, "Miss Granger, why the hell did you dream of me?"
"It wasn't you, Professor..."Hermione lied. "It's Alan Rickman. He's my favourite actor. You do share a striking resemblance..."
"Although Alan has a deeper voice." Lavender supplied.
The class erupted, at that comment, the pure-bloods looked confused and the muggle borns were trying to explain to them just who 'Alan Rickman' was.
"Hey isn't that the guy that Hermione has hanging in her room above her bed?"
'Alan, why does it always come back to him? Don't be stupid Severus, she doesn't know...' Snape thought, feeling slightly jealous.
"No you idiot, Alan sounds just like him."
"He's great in Die Hard and Dogma, and........."
No one noticed Severus running out of the classroom and then hiding in his office. Anyone who noticed would've said that Snape looked flushed and was holding his hands over the front of his robes. "Who the hell is Alan Rickman?"
"Why the hell are you dreaming of this guy, who happens to look like our potions master?"
"Mum fancies him."
"Why, Granger, I thought you were a good girl. Hey Potter did you know the Mudblood dreams of the potions master?"
"Ew. That's just nasty."
"Malfoy! I'll cut your heart out with a spoon!"
The whole classroom went quiet at this statement.
Draco looked at Harry with a puzzled look on his face. "Why a spoon, Potter? Why not an axe?"
"Because it's DULL, you twit, it'll hurt more!" (A/N: I just had to put this in here.)
Meanwhile.....
Snape sat behind his desk, with his head in his hands. 'She was lying, I know she was. She likes me. SHE REALLY LIKES ME!' He thought to himself. 'Why didn't it do that when it blew up? Must be a delayed reaction. Hmmm must conduct some tests....SHE LIKES ME!!' Snape found he had the urge to get up and dance around his classroom. His manic dance was interrupted by a tapping on the window. He looked up and saw a little brown owl waiting to come in. he opened the window and it hopped in. He took the parchment from it and, as soon the parchment was removed it took off. He unrolled the parchment, paled, and shouted, loud enough that the students could hear in the other room. "OH NO! NOT HERE NOT NOW!"
Chapter 3
Snape's Office. Severus raised a shaking hand, with a glass of whiskey in it, to his mouth and drank the contents in one, "Oh god, why couldn't they have stayed away? My brothers are coming to visit." He paused in his monologue. "Talking to yourself is not a good sign, Severus, BUT if Alan calls me Sevvie, one more time, I swear I will test a new quick acting poison on him. Poncey git, just coz he's successful, bet he'll try to rub it in..." He picked up the now empty bottle and threw it at the wall but missed, just as the door opened, and Draco Malfoy poked his head in, but quickly withdrew it, as the bottle flew over his head, "Shit. Come back here Mr Malfoy. What do you want?"
"Are you drunk?" Draco asked
"Hell no." Severus said, slurring slightly, "What do you want?"
"You have a class waiting for you and Potter threatened to cut my heart out with a spoon." Draco paused, "Aren't you going to ask me why a spoon?"
"No because I already know the answer. It's because it's dull, it'll hurt more." Snape laughed. "Alan Rickman says that quote and he's..."Severus broke off suddenly and he stood up, and walked to the door. He turned back to Draco, "You coming?"
"Yeah." Draco slinked behind him. "What did Potter do to you anyway? What did you think of Granger's dream?"
"If she wants to dream of my....Alan Rickman then that is up to her. Enough of Alan Rickman, I am sick of hearing about him." He entered the classroom. "Anyone who says anything about Alan Rickman will be punished......"
"Why though Professor?" Harry asked.
"Never you mind Potter. Get back to dreaming about cheerleaders." Snape replied, making Harry blush.
'Is it just me or did Snape just sound really jealous of an ACTOR? Hmmmm, must tell Hermione. Trust him to remind me of my dream.' "Now who shall we have next? Mr Weasley?"
Ron took a sip, then downed the lot.
**Ron's Dream**
(A girl's bedroom, Draco and Ron are talking, quite civilly, whilst wearing girls' outfits and long wigs. Draco's wig was blonde, whilst Ron's was red. Ron is sitting down on the bed while Draco is pacing about. Harry comes in also wearing a dress and long black wig.)
Harry: Didya get the tape?
Draco: The tape?
Harry: Yeah.
Draco: Ohh the tape. Let me tell you about the tape, Harry, somewhere between the ribs and Rohypnol, I had the tape, but what happened , you fucked me over, Harry, and now the tape is in a blue crate on it's way to the boat.
Harry: So you didn't get the tape?
Draco: Where were you last night, Harry?(Harry mumbles something) What happened to the wingman? (Draco pokes Harry in the chest) You were with HER. You left me hanging in the wind.
Ron: Oh is that what they're calling it now?
Draco: Shut up Ron.(Ron starts crying) You betrayed me to be with a DOG?
Harry: You're calling her a dog?
Draco: Dog, dog, dog.
Harry: Have you looked in the mirror lately? I'm can't believe Colin asked you out. You're the joke of the whole house. You're not half the woman she is.
Draco: You take that back.
Harry: No.
Draco: Take it back.
Ron: I want to Stop the fighting. I want us all to be friends.
Harry: Shush.
Draco: You tell this bitch that a friend would've had his back last night
Harry: Looks like Colin got there first.
(Harry walks away out on to the landing. Draco tackles Harry and bites his leg. Harry screams in pain. Draco pins Harry against the banister by the neck. The real girls come out of their rooms to watch.
Draco: You and your new girlfriend couldn't care less what happens to me. I waited all night for you.
Ginny: Oh lovers' quarrel.
(Harry kicks Draco in the Stomach and Draco falls over a sofa. Draco picks up some tampax and throws them at Harry's head)
Harry: You throw like a girl.
(Draco throws a hairbrush which hits Harry in the forehead, and then sprinkles talcum power on Harry, Causing Harry to fall over the banister and land in a heap.)
Ginny(cringing in sympathy): Ow that hurt.
Harry: That all you got?
Draco(hysterically): You're gonna pay.
Draco runs down the stairs. Harry rolls over and grabs 2 vibrators and holds them in his hands like swords.)
Harry: You want to play? Lets play.
Draco: That's supposed to scare me?
(Harry uses the vibrator to knock the head off a statue)
Ginny: Della catch.
Ginny throws Draco a vibrator. What follows here is best described as Robin Hood with vibrators.)
Ron: Girls, Stop it.
Draco(has harry pinned to the bottom of the stairs and forces a vibrator into his mouth.): Eat it.
(Harry kicks Draco in the stomach. Draco knocks the vibrator out of Harry's hands)
Harry(stand up and holds his hands out, pleadingly): Easy now, easy.
(Harry runs towards the front door. Draco throws the vibrator at Harry's head and knocks him flying. The girls gasp and Draco storms out towards Harry.)
**End Ron's Dream**
Chapter 4
Ron looked around at everyone.Harry and Draco were giving each other dirty looks, Hermione was muttering something, under her breath,about how Harry and Draco were perfect for each other and Severus was just speechless.Draco broke the silence first."What was that? Are you
thinking that I would wear girls clothes and like it?"
Harry broke in, "OH MY GOD.Ron What were you thinking?"
"I don't know, its not as if I can control my dreams you know."Ron replied.
"You got to admit I looked much better in a skirt than you two did." Draco said.
"No I did."
"Guys, Guys, or should I say girls?You all looked lovely." Hermione muttered.
"I was MUCH prettier than Potter and Weasley."
"Huh, I was the better looking one."
"I looked scary."
"I know you did Weasley."
They were interupted by Ginny coming in late. "Sorry I'm late Professor.I had to see Professor Lupin about something."Ginny muttered,sheepishly, sitting down next to Hermione. "So what have I missed?"
"Oh we're testing out thos new potion. It shows our dreams. What did Lupin want anyway?"
"Oh just to discuss something with Jade and myself."Ginny replied."Dreams? What kind of dreams?"
"Well, Ron's dream was about himself, Harry and Draco in dresses..Harry's and Draco's were rip off's from 'Not Another Teen Movie', and mine was about Alan Rickman in tight red leather."
"Ooh, wonder what Sirius looks like in leather."Ginny muttered.
Unfortunatly Severus heard her."Miss Weasley, as you were late, you're next."He hands her a vial of the potion and leans forward slightly so only she can hear him mutter, "I know, you know that I know just who you're crushing on but I have to do this otherwise they'd wonder."
Ginny gulps, but drinks the potion anyway.
**Ginny's Dream**
(Ginny pads down to the kitchen, her dream-self had woken up feeling hungry, wearing a red silk nightdress.She tickles the pear and enters the kitchen, which is deserted.Ginny goes to the fridge and opens it and takes out a giant tub of Mint-choc chip ice-cream(It's the last one.)Ginny grabs a spoon and opens the tub and starts eating it) Ginny: Mmm mm mm.I love mint....
(A voice from the doorway makes her jump.)
Voice: You and me both.
(The person steps into the light and it's Draco, wearing only a pair of green silk pajama bottoms.)
Ginny: Malfoy? What are you doing down here?
Draco: I got hungry(goes to fridge)Is that the last one?
Ginny: Yeah...Want some?
(Ginny hands him a spoon.)
Draco: OK, scoot over.
Ginny and Draco eat the ice cream. Another voice makes them jump like naughty schoolchildren)
Voice: Is that ice cream? Can I have some?
(they turn and see it's only Sirius Black wearing a pair of black silk boxer shorts)
Ginny and Draco: Sirius.
Ginny: You made us jump.
Draco: Ok that's it, I'm getting you a cat bell.
Siruis: Can I have some ice cream?
Ginny/Draco: NO! We were here first.
Siruis(Raising his voice): I WANT IT NOW!(grabs the ice cream tub)I need my choc chip.
Ginny(tugging on the tub):I don't care.
Draco(Also pulling on the tub): Get your own.
Draco, Ginny and Sirius are tugging on the tub. Sirius and Draco let go of the tub and some of the ice cream covers Ginny from head to toe. Ginny grabs a handful of ice cream and throws it at Sirius. Sirius reaches inside the tub and grabs some and hits Draco right between the eyes. Draco throws some at Ginny and it turns into a free for all)
Ginny: Take that!(throws Ice-cream at Sirius, who ducks, but hits Draco instead)
Sirius(like the devil in Repossessed): Ha ha, you missed.
(Draco reaches inside the ice-cream tub but comes up empty.)
Draco(whining): It's all gone. I really wanted some ice-cream.
Sirius.(indicating himself, Ginny and Draco): Well technically it hasn't.
(Draco, Ginny and Sirius look at each other, a beat, then they reach out for each other, kissing, licking, tasting each other. Sirius pulls Ginny's nightdress over her head. Ginny pulls Drake’s bottoms down. Draco pulls Sirius' boxers down. Draco, Sirius, Ginny lean in for a kiss and they fade out.)
**End Ginny's dream**
Chapter 5
Ginny looked around at the stunned expressions on everyone’s faces. It was so silent you could hear a pin drop.
'Well she wasn't kidding when she told me about her crush on Black and Draco. If that affected me and I'm a grown man, I dread to think what it did to the students.' Severus thought to himself.
'Who'd thought Ginny would dream about that sort of thing....Ew she dreamt of MY Godfather and Malfoy covered in ice cream. Must take cold shower. I am a teenager after all.' Harry thought.
'Mmm me, Weasley and Black covered in ice cream....Mmmm must put THAT dream to the back burners until tonight.' Draco thought.
"Ginny, I didn't think you knew things like that." Ron said, his voice in the silent classroom, making everyone jump.
"Yeah well Ron, It's not as if I thought to myself,' Must fantasize about Sirius Black and Draco Malfoy to piss my brother off', Come on Ron. As if I would."
"It's not Sirius I'm worried about."
"Yeah Ginny, what 's this thing about Sirius and Malfoy? MY GODFATHER AND MY ENEMY MAKING WITH THE SMOOCHIES!" Harry yelled.
"Harry, calm down, it's only a dream." Hermione said.
"Potter I never knew you cared."
A voice from the doorway made everyone jump, "So Snape, you get your jollies by watching other people's dreams..."
Snape turned and saw Sirius leaning against the doorframe," Black, How long have you been standing there?" He spat out.
"Long enough to see Ginny's dream. Do you really get your kicks from watching other people's dreams, don't you get any interesting ones of your own? You really must lead a sad life."
"I have plenty of good dreams, I'm just not going to share them with you." Snape spat.
"Prove it. Take the potion or I'll tell your brothers that your scared to take a little potion. I know they're coming coz I got an owl today telling me. Including your much older one."
"Do it."
"I'll get Steven and Shaun tell everyone about the Snape triplet curse if you don't take that potion." Sirius threatened.
Snape paled at that, because the Snape triplet curse was a family secret and it was really embarassing," You wouldn't?"
"Take the potion then."
Hermione raised her hand, "What's the Snape triplet curse?"
"It's a very old curse, affects triplets," Snape muttered, "Don't ask so many questions, just serve your purpose."
"What's her purpose? Professor?" Harry asked.
"Interesting dream, Miss Weasley," Severus said, trying to deflect attention back to Ginny.
"Substitute Sirius, myself and Malfoy for Professor Snape, Alan Rickman and Myself and........" Hermione muttered a bit to loudly for Severus, Sirius and Ginny heard her. They turned to look at her.
"Would you repeat that?" Sirius asked.
"Yes Please do."
"I said it out loud didn't I? How much did you hear?"
"Only something about Alan Rickman and yourself." Ginny replied making Hermione blush.
"Really Miss Granger, this obsession with Alan S...Rickman is really getting out of hand."
"Who's Alan Rickman?" Sirius asked.
"Muggle actor...Was in Die Hard, Dogma and Galaxy Quest amongst other films. Oh and he also looks like Professor Snape. His full name is Alan Sydney Patrick Rickman. "The whole class gave her an incredulous look, "What? It's all on the websites."
"Not up to your usual standards Miss Granger, Two out of four correct."
"What?! Professor, but his details are all on the IMDB. What did I get wrong?"
"Yeah Snape, what did she get wrong?" Sirius asked.
"You'll see."
"For God's sake Snape, stop delaying, just take the damn potion, or I'll pin you and pour it down your throat myself."
Chapter 6
Severus glared at Sirius," I will not let you pin me down, however if I have to take it, you'll have to take it as well."
"Deal."Sirius agreed."Why do I feel I've just made a deal with the devil?"
"Do I look like Lucifer to you?"
"Well with that hair..."Sirius muttered, "Jeeze Snape, when did you last get some action? Was it last year? Never prehaps? Maybe if you got a haircut, washed it, you might look halfway decent and then you might actually get some..."
"If I cut my hair, you know who I'll really look like then..Look, this isn't the time or the place, and just for that you're going first.." Severus interrupted.
"Oh no, after you..Remember I'll pour it down your throat..."
"No you first..."
"What's the matter, afraid of a little potion and you call yourself a Potion's Master?"
"Fine, I'll go first but I'm warning you, Black, I won't be reponsible for my dreams..." Severus ground out.Severus drank the potion and grimaced,"Urgh! That stuff tastes worse than Steven's cooking and that's saying something.."
"Insulting your own brother now, Snape, that won't do."
'Please be a really boring dream. I don't want anyone to see my secrets...' Severus thought, just before the potion took effect.
Chapter 7
**Severus' Dream**
(A hotel ballroom and there's a concert going on. An anouncer in a bright blue sparkly jacket comes out on the stage.)
Anouncer: It's showtime. Introducing the hardest working man in showbusiness.Mr Dynamite. Mr James Brown.
(The crowd go crazy.Hermione comes out onto the stage and takes the microphone)
Hermione: Ladies and gentlemen, James Brown will not be appearing tonight due to unforseen circumstances, but stay right where you are, because the Hogwarts Hotel is proud to present the Potion Master of Soul, and ,well, here he is.
(The spotlight trains on Severus, who is wearing a tuxedo.The crowd groan. Severus comes out onto the stage.)
Severus(shyly): Hi everybody.Good evening.How was your night?
(Sirius, who's sitting in the audience stands up as if to go home.)
Person in Audience: Go home!
Sev: Who wants to get funky tonight?
(Sev turns to the band who is behind him)
Remus(one of the band members): Go ahead and make it funky
Sev: Yeah.
(The music starts and Sev's foot is tapping to the beat of its own accord.)
Sev(singing): Get up, get on up Get up,(Hermione looks worried) get on up (girls in tiny gold outfits dance on and dance next to him)Stay on the scene, like a sex machine (Spins around and then does the splits)Wait a minute! (Ginny, who is in the crowd is really enjoying herself)
Shake your arm, then use your form Stay on the scene like a sex machine You got to have the feeling sure as you're born Get it together right on, right on.
Backing singers:right on. right on.
Sev: Right on right on.
Backing singers:right on. right on.
Sev: Right on right on.
Backing singers:right on. right on.
Sev: Right on right on.
Backing singers:right on. right on.
Sev: Right on right on.
Backing singers:right on. right on.
(Herrmione is dancing)
Sev: Right on right on.
Backing singers:right on. right on.
(Sev runs and flips himself off the stage, when he lands he slids himself under the table and comes up dancing.He ends up standing by Ginny, and Sirius.Sev shakes his bottom in her face.She reaches out and pokes him in the bottom and squeals.Sev turnsround so he's facing her and waves his bum in Sirius' face, who doesn't look impressed.He does a bit more dancing,spins around, jumps on to the speakers and poses.Fireworks go off)
We cut to James Brown's backstage dressing room, where we can still hear the music, and see James Brown
holding an icepack to his head.He sits up a bit and takes the ice pack off his head)
James Brown: God God.
**End Severus' Dream**
Severus looks around at Sirius and the others, who were looking at it speechless."What??!!"He snapped.
"That was a nice dream, especially with those girls in those little gold outfits...Hermione could you possibly..."
"No Ron, I won't even consider it."
"Next time professor could you please dream about......"
"Why was I the bad guy?"
"SILENCE! I will not be told what to dream..."
"Ooh my dream self got to touch Snape's bum, I'm in the PS fanclub now.He looked so good in that, what's it called again? Luxzedo?"
"You must mean tuxedo.Ginny and yeah he did.." Hermione muttered.
Draco turns to Sirius,"Oh I like that, she dreams about smearing ice cream on *our* half dressed naked bodies, Professor Snape dreams that and suddenly we're yesterday's news."
"I know, it bites." Sirius sighed.
Severus turned to Sirius, with an evil glint in his eyes."Black, I took the potion, now it's your turn, unless your dreams are so boring..."
Sirius groaned but complied,'I hope it's an interesting dream.I'll prove to Snape that my dreams are really interesting,nmuch more than his...'He thought just before the potion took over.
**Sirius' Dream**
INT. HERMIONE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
(Hermione's in bed, staring up at the ceiling. From the darkness, a creaking floor board is heard. Hermione reacts, grabbing a bat from under her pillow. She peers into the darkness, defensively wielding her bat. Suddenly, the room explodes in flames. A huge fire that appears to be shooting out from the floor ignites mere feet from Hermione's bed. Hermione leaps back, taking a beat to stare, mesmerized. Looking closely, one can see an anthropomorphic form standing in the blaze. A little to the left one can see Sirius standing in the corner, wearing a pair of black pyjamas, just observing.)
VOICE (powerful; booming): BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD!
(The Voice repeats itself. Hermione darts out of bed, she's only wearing a nightshirt and a pair of black panties, and dashes out of the room, quickly returning with a fire extinguisher. While the voice is in mid-sentence, she blasts the thing with the contents of the canister, swirling the nozzle around to hit all the flames. The booming Voice sputters and starts coughing, losing it's impressive edge. Hermione stops squirting and turns on her bedside lamp.A choking, drenched, and coughing androgynous figure in a suit waves her away. The figure coughs up some of the extinguisher's contents and drops to the floor, hacking. It is METATRON AKA Severus. Hermione stares, shocked. Sirius is in the corner laughing his head off.)
Sirius(still laughing): Payback Snape. It smells sweet and the best bit is that Hermione did it..
SEVERUS: Sweet Jesus! Did you have to use the whole can?!
Hermione grabs her bat again and holds it up, this time offensively.
HERMIONE: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?!
Sirius: Language, Hermione.
SEVERUS:(slowly rising to his feet)I'm the one... who's soaked and...she's the one who's pissed. That's rich!
HERMIONE(even more offensive with bat):Get the fuck out of here, now!
SEVERUS:Or you'll what exactly - hit me with that fffish?
The bat Hermione held is now a salmon. She drops it to the floor and freaks.
SEVERUS:Now just sit down on the bed and shut up!(to himself; off clothes)Look at my suit...!
HERMIONE:Take whatever you want, just don't kill or rape me...
SEVERUS:Oh give over! I couldn't rape you if I wanted to.(unzips pants and pulls them off) See, Angels are ill-equipped.
(Hermione stares. There, before her, stands the exposed Severus. There is nothing where some sexual genitalia should be - his as smooth and anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.)
Sirius: Ha I always thought you were ill equipped but now you've proved it.
SEVERUS:See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.(rings out pants)Hand me that towel.Hermione throws him a towel)You bottom feeders and your arrogance - you think everyone just want to get in your knickers.
HERMIONE:What are you?
Sirius: A greasy git..
SEVERUS:I'm pissed off is what I am. do you go around drenching everyone that comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.(pulls pants back on)
SEVERUS: Stand back.
Severus flexes and huge wings extend from his back, dripping water. Hermione goes wide-eyed and cowers against the wall.
SEVERUS:As I was saying prior to you fire fighting escapade - I am the Metatron.(Hermione stares, saying nothing, pinned against the wall. Severus looks insulted and his wings droop.) Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell?
Sirius: Uhhh, I take that as a no.
(Hermione remains silent and wide-eyed. Severus gets testy. )
SEVERUS: You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, right?
(beat)I am a seraphim.(beat)The highest choir of angels?(beat)You do know what an angel is, don't you?
(Hermione slowly nods.)
SEVERUS: Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims to have spoken with God, they're speaking to me. Or they're speaking to themselves.
HERMIONE: Why doesn't God speak for himself?
SEVERUS: Glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that - human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, you're mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adam's before we figured that one out.
HERMIONE: How do I know you're an angel?
SEVERUS:Oh, you mean besides the fiery entrance and the expansive wingspan? You want more proof? Fine. How about a tequila?(snaps fingers)
(INT. MEXICAN BAR - NIGHT Hermione and Severus sit at a table.Sirius is lurking in the corner close enough to hear what they are saying. Severus waves a WAITER over.
HERMIONE:Where the hell are we?!
SEVERUS:The only place one can go for good tequila.(to Waiter)Dos tequilas, por favor. And an empty glass.
WAITER: Si. Senor.
(The Waiter turns to leave)
SEVERUS:Gracias, senor.
HERMIONE:We're in Mexico?!
SEVERUS:Actually, we're in the Chili's down the street from your house, but it's impressive nonetheless (AN: Is that one word or not?)
(Severus points to his back, where the wings are gone now):You don't mind that I lost the wings, do you? I'm trying to keep our profile low.
HERMIONE:What do you want with me?
SEVERUS:I'm to charge you with a holy crusade.
(The Waiter arrives with their drinks. )
SEVERUS:Oh - Gracias!(he leaves)
HERMIONE: Just for the record,I work in an abortion clinic.
SEVERUS:(spits tequila into empty glass)Noah was a drunk and look what he accomplished. And no one's asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very important day.
HERMIONE:That doesn't sound like a crusade.
SEVERUS:Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Sirius: And that is?
HERMIONE: What's the fine print?
SEVERUS:(mumbles into glass):stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegating-
allexistence.(sips)
HERMIONE:Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
SEVERUS:(spits into empty glass) Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them.
HERMIONE: You might want to clarify that.
SEVERUS: Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered, and his wrath was bore by the Angel of Death - name of Loki. When Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed? That was Loki. When the waters wiped out everything with the exception of Noah and his menagerie? That was Loki. And he was good at what he did. But one day, he refused to bear God's wrath any longer.
HERMIONE: Why?
SEVERUS: He listened to his friend - a Grigori by the name of Bartleby.
HERMIONE: Grigori?
SEVERUS: One of the choirs of angels. They're called Watchers. Guess what they do? So one day, Loki's wiping out all the first born of Egypt...
HERMIONE: Ahh, The Tenth Plague.
SEVERUS: Tell a person you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly; mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and everyone's a theology scholar. May I continue uninterrupted?(Hermione nods)So once he's done with the first born, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into this discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay and in the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take a lesser one - one that doesn't involve slaughter. So - very inebriated - Loki tells God he quits: throws down his fiery sword, gives him the finger - which ruins it for the rest of us. because from that day forward, God decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting.So for their insolence, God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby would ever be allowed back into Paradise.
Sirius: Go Loki, I want to meet him.
HERMIONE: Were they sent to Hell?
SEVERUS:Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history. And when the world ends, they'll sit outside the gates for eternity.
Sirius: Wouldn't wish that on my worse enemy,well, except maybe for Snape...
HERMIONE: And this has what to do with me?
SEVERUS:Somebody's clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma that would allow them to re-enter Heaven.
HERMIONE:So what? They beat the system. Good for them.
(Sirius is standing behind Severus and is pulling strange faces and is also making rude gestures as well)
SEVERUS:It's not that simple. If they get in, they will have reversed God's decree. Now listen up because this part is very important: existence in all it's form and splendor functions solely on one principle: God is infallible. To prove God wrong would undo reality and everything that is. Up would become down, black would become white, existence would become nothingness. In essence - if they are allowed to enter that church, they'll unmake the world.
HERMIONE:If this is so major, why are you talking to me? Why doesn't God do something?
SEVERUS: He could, but He'd rather see you take care of this one personally.
HERMIONE:Why me?
SEVERUS:Because of who you are.
Sirius: And who is she?
HERMIONE:And who am I?
Sirius: I believe I just asked that.
SEVERUS:The girl in the p.j.'s. Don't ask so many questions, just serve your purpose.
Sirius: I love that quote...
HERMIONE:I'll pass.
Sirius: Go Hermione..
SEVERUS:I beg your pardon?
HERMIONE: When some quiet infection destroyed my uterus - where was God? When my husband decided he couldn't be with a wife that couldn't bear his children - where was God?
Sirius: I never knew that... So if I shag you, I won't get into trouble...
SEVERUS:Don't allow eons of history and life to get blinked out of being just because you have a grudge against your creator.So you lost the ability to make life. You're being offered the chance to play mother to the world by acting like one and protecting it - saving it. (swigs his drink and spits it out)But I can't make you.However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.
Sirius: Don't listen to him, Hermione.
HERMIONE: What, more angels?
Sirius: No more, Snape, I can't handle that...
SEVERUS: Prophets - in a matter of speaking...You'll know them right away - who speaks - and he will at great lengths, whether you want him to or not - will make
mention of himself as a prophet. The other one won't say anything, but he'll be helpful just the same.(looks at watch)I have to go. You'll do what you will, but try to remember that we're working in a time frame here.
Severus moves to exit.
HERMIONE: Hey.(Severus turns) What's he like?
Sirius: What? Who?
SEVERUS:God?(thinks)Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor.Take
Sex for example.There's nothing funnier than the faces you make mid cotis.
HERMIONE: Sex is a joke in Heaven?
Sirius: What? NOOOO!!!! I'm not going to Heaven now if I can't get any action....
SEVERUS: The way I understand it, It's mostly a joke down here too.
(And with that, Severus shakes some maracas.)
( INT. HERMIONE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Hermione startles awake, her radio is talking and she turns it off and reaches under her pillow as she stretches. She pulls out some maracas.)
**End Sirius' Dream**
Chapter 8
Sirius shook his head as the potion wore off,'Well at least that was an INTERESTING dream.' he thought to himself.
Hermione broke the silence this time,"You said you didn't know who Alan Rickman was,you lied, you've seen Dogma...Why did you lie?" She wailed, clutching her robes around her, dramatically.
"Okay, I've seen Dogma, SO? I didn't realise that you were crushing on the same Alan Rickman that happens to...." Sirius broke off as he realised something.He looked at Severus, who was looking at him with a neutral expression on his face."Snape? Anything you want to tell me?"He muttered, quietly.
"Like what? What could I possibly want to discuss with you?" Severus snarled.
Sirius grabbed Severus' robes and threatened to throw him into the potions' shelf, that was situated behind Severus' desk, until Hermione stepped in between them."Please you two. you are REALLY setting a fine example to the students.If I see any more testorone poisoning I'll be sending you both to the hospital wing in matchboxes."
"Okay, mum, I'll be good..."muttered Sirius,"Gods, she sounds just like Molly..."
"Or Buffy...."Severus muttered,"Although does that mean I'm Angel or Riley?"
"Neither..Honestly.Sirius, what did you mean, So if I shag you, I won't get into trouble?"
"Great, now they're quoting Buffy,"Harry muttered.
Severus raised his eyebrows,"Yes please tell."
"It was a dream for gods sake."
"Looks like Black here also has a crush on Alan Rickman, Miss Granger."
"It was you, in case you didn't notice."
"You have a crush on me?"
"Humph, you wish, Snape, although you could do the tortured vampire bit...."
"The Metatron is an angel not a vampire.."supplied Draco.
"You've seen Dogma too, Malfoy?"
"Don't let Alan hear you say that...I'm sure he'll be pleased on being called a vampire..."
The whole class went silent and stared at Severus,"Who's Alan, Professor?"Harry ventured.
"Not that's it's any of your business,Potter, but he's one of my brothers, the oldest one in fact.He taught here when I was at school and I'll have to put up with him soon.Him and the other two..."
Sirius stared at Severus for a bit, the cogs in his head working furiously,finally bursting out with,"WAIT A MINUTE, YOU MEAN THAT DADA TEACHER WE HAD IN FIFTH WAS RELATED TO YOU?He was so nice too.What was his name? Ah yes Professor......"Sirius broke off, as
Severus had placed his hand over Sirius' mouth.Sirius fought him off,"Get off me, you greasy git, wait a minute...I'm not surprised he changed his name being related to you.."
"How many brothers do you have,Professor?" Draco asked.
"What is going on here? interupted a voice from the doorway.Severus and Sirius turned to see Professor Remus Lupin standing in the doorway."I could hear you from the DADA classroom."
"He started it!"
"No he did."
"Do come in Remus, Snape is testing out a new potion and he wants to know if you'll try it for him."Sirius said, smiling and holding out the vial of potion to Remus.
Remus regarded the potion in his hand,"What's it do?"he asked, nervously.
"Oh nothing much just shows your dreams.."
"Who's tried it so far then, Severus?"
"Well,Potter, Weasley, Draco,Miss Granger, Miss Weasley, Black and myself and no one have come to any harm.."Severus replied, he was interupted by another owl, who dropped a red envelope on his head."Shit, another howler, if that damn cat...."Severus growled, remembering the last howler that was sent to him.(A/N: In case you're wondering where Max had gone.)
"Max? He's off tormenting Peeves...."Remus replied,"Well open it..."
Severus' hands shook as he opened the envelope, A voice that sounded, very much like Severus yelled,"SEVERUS SALAZAR SNAPE, HOW DARE YOU IGNORE OUR LETTERS? WE HAD SENT YOU FIFTEEN LETTERS SO YOU CAN'T SAY YOU DIDN'T GET THEM, ANYWAY, YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THAT EVEN IF YOU IGNORE THEM, WE'RE COMING ANYWAY,YOUR DARLING BROTHERS ARE GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON IN THEIR LIVES. ALAN SAYS IF YOU DON'T SEND A REPLY, HE WILL TELL EVERYONE WHAT YOU WEAR UNDER YOUR ROBES AND SHAUN WILL DYE YOUR HAIR THE SAME COLOUR IT WAS WHEN YOU WERE FOURTEEN YEARS OLD.I WILL, ON THE OTHER HAND, SHOW EVERYONE BABY PHOTOS OF YOU, AND SAY ISN'T HE CUTE? YOU KNOW I WILL TOO, SEVVIEPOOS!" The howler burst into flames and disintergrated. Severus had gone pale.'How did he know about that? He better not..'
"So Snape, who was that?" Sirius asked.
"That was Steven,Black, surely you remember him?"
"Of course I do. You remember Steven and Shaun, don't you Remus?"
"Definatly...The trouble they caused.I remember one time...."
"Lupin, are you going to take the damn potion or are you going to stand there talking?"Snape growled, glaring at Remus."Unless of course, you dream so much about your girlfriend..."
"I'll take it.."Remus muttered."Stop glaring at me...How did you..."
"You have a girlfriend Remus, and you didn't tell me?" Sirius whined.."I'm your best friend.."
"Let's say a little snake told me..."
"WHAT?! That's it she's getting a serious talking to.."
"That's not all you do according to her.."
"Shut up Severus." Remus sighed and drank the potion in one."Urgh! That tastes like old socks..."
Chapter 9
**Remus' Dream**
(A hairdressing salon.Sirius, Severus and Remus are sitting in chairs next to each other. Sirius has curlers in his hair and is reading a woman's magazine, Remus is getting his hair wet cut by Ginny and Severus is having his hair washed by Hermione.Hermione and Ginny are wearing schoolgirl outfits.(Think Britney in her 'Baby,One More Time' video)and their hair is in pigtails.)
Severus(pratically purring): Mmmm Keep doing that. I like that.
Sirius(looking up from his magazine): Don't mind him, he's very sensitive there...Kinda like a big cat..
(looks back down and turns the page)Whoa!(His eyes grow as big as saucers)
Remus: What is it Snufffles?
Sirius: A naked picture of Jason Isaacs..Well almost naked..
Hermione(leans forward): Where? Ooh let me see.
Ginny: Yeah I fantisize about him.....
(Severus sits up suddenly,his wet hair spraying Hermione's front.)
Severus, Sirius and Remus: That was WAY to much info.
Hermione: It's the voice...
Remus: Ha, next thing you'll be telling me you fancy Severus' brothers, which everyone tickles your fancy....
Severus: We're identical in every way...(Lies back and relaxes)Go on please me..(Hermione continues to wash his hair.)
Sirius(singing along to radio as he's reading his magazine):Candy on the beach there's nothing better,but I like candy when it's wrapped up in leather,Someday soon I'll make you mine, Then I'll have candy all the time.
Remus: I love this song.....I must've fallen asleep with the radio on again..
Sirius: Want to dance?Ginny?
Ginny: Only if we're horizontal...
Sirius: I totally heard that.
(Remus and Severus look at each other and roll their eyes.)
Remus(quietly,to Severus): It's obvious they fancy each other. Why don't they get married?
Severus: Or at least shag on the carpet..
Remus(to Ginny,Re: Sirius): He fancies you.(Re: Hair)..Don't cut my hair too short...I don't want to look like Hans Gruber from Die Hard. He's a bad boy..
Severus: Don't insult 'The Voice' AKA Alan Rickman...
Hermione: Wrapped in leather...
Ginny: Wearing nothing but a big red bow...
Remus: And, judging by those photos on the net, a big boy...
Sirius: Been at those slash fics again, Remus?Or was it the het ones. (Re: Magazine)Ooh there's Alan Rickman in here too..(Ginny and Hermione both look over his shoulder at the picture and start drooling)So who would you go for?
Ginny: The Voice.
Hermione: The Sex God, who should be cloned.....
Severus: Like I said, Identical in every way...
Remus: Both...I'm not fussed....(Severus, Sirius, Ginny and Hermione give Remus a look)as long as it's well written...
Hermione: Ok Severus, you're done.(wraps towel round his head and guides him to a chair in front of a mirror, dries his hair slightly) How short do you want it?(She starts combing his hair through to get rid of any knots) Well?
Severus: Short, I think.(indicates how short he wants it) to about there..
(Hermione starts cutting his hair)
Sirius: J-Lo so wants me...Good she broke up with Ben Affleck..
Remus: Are you sure?
Ginny(finished Remus' hair): Ok, how's that?
(Ginny hands Remus a mirror)
Remus(Closely examining his new do): I like it...
Hermione(Re: Severus' hair): God, your hair is so soft...Like a big cat...
Remus: If you scratch him behind the ears he purrs too.
(Hermione scratches Severus behind the ears and he purrs.)
Ginny: Would you like a colour too Remus?
Remus: Sure why not? I think I'll go blond...
(Ginny starts colouring his hair)
Hermione(Having finished cutting Severus' hair): There you go all done (Hands him a mirror)My god you look even more like Alan Rickman now... (She starts blow drying his hair)
Severus: Identical in every way...
(Severus starts pretending to be Alan Rickman to the mirror)
Severus:....Cut out your heart with a spoon...
(Ginny has finished bleaching Remus' hair)
Remus: Cool I look about 20 years younger...
(Hermione has finished blow drying Severus' hair and it has gone a nice shade of light brown, with red and blond streaks in it.)
Sirius and Remus: Nice hair.
Remus: Didn't you have that colour when you first came to Hogwart?
Sirius: Yeah and he changed his hair colour every year....
Severus: Until my horrible brother hexed my hair in my forth year.
Hermione(goes over to Sirius and takes out his curlers): Ah don't you look cute? Look Ginny.... It's Snuffles on a stick..
Ginny(takes one look at Sirius and pounces on him.): Come to me...
(Remus' girlfriend comes out of the shadows, wearing an outfit indentical to Christina Aguilera in her 'Dirrty' video and wearing a scarf around the lower part of her face.)
Remus(to his girlfriend): Hi, what do you think?
Remus' girlfriend pounces on Remus, without saying a word)
**End Remus' Dream**
Chapter 10
Remus looked around at everyone, who had very confused looks on their faces.. Severus broke the silence first."Why in a hair salon? Why was Black reading a *girls* magazine? Are you saying we need to have a change of hairstyle?"Severus said all of this without drawing a breath.
"It was a dream..."
"How did you know about my crush on......nevermind."Ginny piped up.
"Well, Ginny, you talk in your sleep...I mean, when you fell asleep on the sofa with your head in Sirius' lap.."Ginny gave him a look,"Don't worry, Ginny, he was asleep at the time."
Sirius looked at Ginny,"Am I missing something here?"
"Well....Duh!" Remus muttered.
"Who shall we do next?"Ginny asked, trying to get the conversation back to safer topics.
"Nice try Ginny....I know you're trying to avoid this path of conversation." Remus said.
"I wouldn't mind a bit of Snuffles on a stick."Sirius said. There was a long pause and everyone looked at Sirius strangely.Realization hit Sirius with full force."Oh that's right I AM Snuffles, why would I be on a stick?"
"Prehaps Lupin thinks you need a good poke."Severus said, deadpan. (A/N: This is real quote and it's by Snuffles and Beansprout.I think Beansprout is trying to tell Snuffles something.) Sirius Scowled at him but didn't say anything.
"Um... Professor how did you know about my...er...crush on Alan Rickman?" Hermione asked.
"Well seeing as you keep talking about him and that....um...naked picture you have hanging in your dorm.....Ginny told me.....Where on Earth did you get that picture from?"
Hermione turned to Ginny,"Traitor, you said you'd never tell..."
"Hermione....I didn't...It slipped out.."Ginny muttered.
"Miss Granger, where did you get a picture of a naked Alan?" Severus asked.'Oh my God,what was she thinking?'
Hermione blushed,"On the net."
Sirius piped up,"Why in God's name did you print out a picture of him and post it on your wall?Where did you get the web address from?"
Hermione blushed even more,"Well you see....I did it coz...."
"She fancies the pants off him..."Ginny piped up."Even more than me fancying...."She broke off blushing.
"Lupin, what is your facination with the school outfit?Do you fancy Miss Spears by any chance?"Severus interjected smoothly, obviously wanting to change the subject.'Actually I want to hear this story but not for the same reason as the others.'
"No,I don't really go for blondes."Remus answered."Anyway don't change the subject...Where did Hermione get the address from?"
"Yeah, Hermione.What's the address? I need my Alan Rickman dose..."Lavender piped up, startling everyone.
"Well,I got the address from one of the Slytherins.I had no idea she liked him as much as me until I saw a picture in her book...I asked her and she told me the addy."
"And her name was?"
"Ooh I know, remember Professor? When the potion exploded? She said about Alan Rickman and THAT picture...And you told her that he was....."Ginny broke off as Severus gave her a glare."Oh my GOD! No wonder! Holy crap!Wowsers! Holy Shatner!""
"No wonder what?"Hermione asked, and found she was echoed by all the girls in the classroom.
"I'll thank Miss Kirk for teaching you those sayings, Miss Weasley, and be careful about what you blurt out or I might tell them about what you told me..."Severus said in a low voice so only Ginny, Hermione,Sirius and Remus could hear.
"Well it's no secret now...They all know now."
"No not that one....The other one...I'm sure if you blurt out what Miss Kirk told you or what else I said, we might take a leaf out of Alan's book and cut your heart out with a spoon."Severus threatened.
"What other thing?"Remus asked.
"Yeah what have you been saying, Ginny?"
"No wonder what?What has she been telling you? What did you tell her? What has Jade been saying?"Hermione burst out without pausing for breath.
"Ah ha so it was Jade."Lavender exclaimed."I'll have to ask her the website."
"What's going on?"Ron asked looking confused.
"Nothing Ron."Ginny said,to Lavender she said,"Think she'll give it to you? She might be also posting pics of...I'm shutting up now..."
"That would be wise."Severus muttered.
"At the risk of repeating myself ,no wonder what? What has she been telling you? What did you tell her? What has Jade been saying?" Hermione asked.
Chapter 11
Harry smirked, but although he pretended not to care, he actually wanted to know what Ginny and Severus actually knew."So Ginny,"He started,"does that dream of yours mean you actually have a crush on Sirius and Malfoy?"Ginny blushed.
"This coming from the guy who names his Dragon, Draco."Draco muttered."Potter, does that actually mean you have a crush on me?"
Harry blushed,"You wish,anyway Draco is named after the dragon in Dragonheart."
Parvati sighed,"I love that film.I think Dennis Quaid is so cute."
"Nah, I like David Thewlis.He's so handsome. Kinda like Professor Lupin." Pansy said, earning a dark look from her felow Slytherins."What? That's not mentioning the fact that he spends most of his time on horseback.Looks like he'd be a good ride."
Remus, Sirius and Severus shared a secret look."Well Remus, looks like you have an admirer."Sirius teased.His voice took on a higher tone,"He's so handsome."
Remus blushed."It's not me. It's David Thewlis." Severus and Sirius shared a look that plainly said 'Sure it is but you're loving the fact you got described as handsome'.
"What about Jason Isaacs? He drops his trousers, in one scene, and you can see he's not small."Millicent replied.A few girls nodded their heads in agreement.
Severus shook his head."Are all females crushing after actors or is it just them?"He muttered to Remus and Sirius.
"Do you have a favourite actor, Ginny?"Hermione asked Ginny.
"Yes, you're all going to tease me but I like Gary Oldman. He's so mmm I can't find words to describe him..."
"Why should we tease you? He has his merits.Like in Dracula.Wish he'd bite my neck."Hermione sighed.
"Hang on, I thought you were crushing over Alan Rickman."Harry blurted out,to Hermione's surprise,"but I guess it's ok to have more than one favourte actor."
"I like Stephen Dorff.In Blade, I just wished I was the one who got his neck bitten."Piped up Erin Kirk, a very quiet Slytherin.
Dean burst out with,"Professors, If they made a movie about Harry, who would you like playing you?"
"Gary Oldman."
"Alan Rickman."
"Yeah only for the fact he's got a killer voice and he looks and sounds like you." Hermione muttered.
"Ooh I'd go to see it,if Gary was in it."Ginny muttered."AND of course if Alan was in it."
"Hmmm, maybe Dennis Quaid or David Thewlis."
"Pansy would go and see it just for that."Draco muttered."I can't really see David Thewlis as a Lupin but it's not up to me..."
"Shut up Draco."Pansy retorted."Go back to whipping other boys with wet towels."Everyone stared at her.
"What was THAT about?"Remus asked, Sirius, who shrugged,"I thought Draco was strictly into..."He broke off, shrugging,"Prehaps I'm better off not knowing..."
Severus sat down."God.Only five more minutes to go."He addressed the class."Well pack up your stuff,as you only have a few more minutes left, I'm not going to bother with starting doing a new student."
Sirius laughed and turned to Ginny."So Ginny, are you going to tell us everything?Or am I going to have to tickle it out of you?"
Ginny gulped, because she hated being tickled."Okay."She began, ignoring Severus' glare,blurting it out in one breath and really fast so everyone only caught a few words."JadehasahugecrushonProfessorLupinandshe'sbeensecretlydatinghimf orthelastmonthIhaveacrushonDracoMalfoyandyouSiriusandI'vefantasizedabo uthavingathreesomeinthekitchenscompletewitminthchocolatechipicecreamPr ofessorSnapelikesHermioneandhisbrotherisfamousinfacthisbrotherisAlanRi ckmanandhealsolikeschocolatechipcookiesandIwasfullyawareofmyheadinSirius'lapbecauseIwantedhimtonoticemebutitdidn'twork."
A long silence greeted these words.Sirius was the first to break the silence,"Did anyone get all that?"Everyone shook their heads."Can you repeat that? And this time slow it down to 33 and a third."
Chapter 12
Ginny grinned."No I said it and I won't repeat it."She paused."How much did you hear of it anyway?"
"Something about Draco Malfoy and myself and mint chocolate chip icecream. Alan Rickman came into that garbled sentance somehow.I didn't catch the rest though."
"Prehaps she wanted him covered in icecream too."Remus muttered, for he had caught a different part of it."I could've sworn that cookies
came into somewhere."
"Mmm cookies."Ron muttered."I'm hungry."
"Ron, honestly."Hermione scolded.She turned to Ginny,"What was that about Snape's brother?"She leaned towards her threateningly."Did you say that....?"
"Miss Granger,Please don't threaten my students."Severus cut in.
"But Professor....."Hermione protested.
"Getting back to Ginny,"Remus cut in."Please repeat what you said and this time do it more slowly."
"Oh I like it slow."Ginny retorted."But I'm afraid I won't be getting my 'Snuffles On A Stick' today."She added, so only Remus,Severus and Hermione heard her.
Remus looked taken aback."Ginny, where did you hear that?"
"From your dream, idiot."Severus muttered.
"0h sorry."
"I think I speak for everyone here, when I say huh?"Sirius said.
"Shut up you mangy dog or I'll have to hit you over the head with a rolled up newpaper."Severus growled.
"Ooh touchy...I'll get Alan to sort you out when he gets here."Sirius growled back."After all he is an expert on being evil..."
"Yeah?I'll make Steven and Shaun turn your hair bright pink."
"You mean like they did to you when you were fourteen?Just let 'em try."
"GUYS!Please!"Remus yelled,making everyone jump,as no one has heard him yell before,and causing Severus to knock over on of his potion bottles, which spilled all over him,staining the front of his robes bright orange.
Severus put his finger in his ear and wiggled it arround (Kinda like Metatron at the end of Dogma)then looked down at himself and sighed."It never ends."
"Jeeze Moony, did you have to yell in my ear?I mean we are just standing right next to you."Sirius whined, but he yelped when Severus grabbed the Daily Prophet, that was on his desk, rolled it up and whacked Sirius on the nose."Oww! What was that for?"Severus just smirked.
"Sorry."Remus muttered, looking sheepish.
"I have a couple of things to tell all of you,"Severus said, sounding serious,"First of all what I tell you mustn't leave these four walls. Agreed?" Everyone nods."Hmmm lets see...Second of all..."he broke off as the bell rang for lunch time, but all the students, hung around waiting to hear what he has to say but Severus just growled,"I'll have to tell you later.DISMISSED!"He growled the last word and all the students scuttled out like scared rabbits.He watched them go, an evil smirk on his face,'Saved by the bell.'he thought to himself.
Outside the classroom,"Can you believe the bell rang just as Snape was going to spill the secrets?"Ron grounched to Harry and Hermione as they walked down to lunch.
"I know.When have we got potions next?"Harry asked.
"Tommorow first thing."
"Well I guess we'll have to ask him then." Harry griped.
"Yeah I can't believe Alan Rickman is Professor Snape's older brother."Hermione muttered loudly.She walked on leaving the rest of the sudents looking stunned.
Harry and Ron looked at each other and then burst out in unison with,"WHAT?!"
The End.
A/N:I can't believe I've finished it.More adventures with them in my sequel 'Snape's Brothers') Read and review or I'll cut your heart out with a spoon.