Devil's Pet, Part III: Remembrance

By Ratwoman

Ratwoman@unicum.de

16.09.2002-17.10.02

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns everyone in this story.

Fandom: Harry Potter

Pairing: Severus Snape/Sirius Black

Category: Hurt/Comfort

Rating: R for very dark themes, mention of gang rape and description of nasty nightmares. If this is likely to traumatise you, don't read this.

Note: Ok, unlikely that Remus Lupin happens to live just in the same town where Voldemort had his comeback. But possible.

Sequel to "Devil's Pet" and "Back into Hell", which should be read first.

Inspired by "Der Torweg" by Illuminate, a German Gothic song about paralysing memories.

Summary: Remus Lupin and Sirius Black find Severus Snape, after Voldemort has put him through hell.

Ratwoman@unicum.de

It was the early morning hours when Remus left his working place as the night watch of a museum. This job fitted quite well to his nocturnal life style, and until now, none of his employers had suspected anything; of course, Muggles did not believe in werewolves anyway. He had this job for almost a year now, which was longer than any job he'd ever had in the wizard's world, except teaching at Hogwarts.

One morning, when Remus Lupin closed the door, he instinctively felt something big approaching. Turning around, he saw a huge black dog standing behind him.

"Hello Sirius" Remus said.

The dog turned into the form of a tall, dark-haired man who looked as if he'd gone through a lot in the past. Which was true.

"Hello Remus," Sirius said, looking sorrowful. Remus thought it amazing how different Sirius Black was to the careless boy he had been at school.

"Something terrible has happened." Sirius added.

"Harry...?" Remus asked alarmed.

"Harry is fine." Sirius said quickly. "Considering the fact, that you-know-who is back."

"Vol..." Remus started. Damn!

***

On the way to his small apartment, Remus got more and more alarmed about what Sirius told him. Voldemort really was back, with all his power, and his followers had gathered around him again. To make things worse, Fudge refused to believe it, and so refused to prepare against Voldemort's next strike. So it was up to Dumbledore and everyone he could trust. Could it be any worse?

Remus was pulled out of his thoughts when he saw a dark figure seemingly without orientation stumbling on the other side of the road.

"Oh, looks like he is sick," Remus said, and was about to cross the road when Sirius held him back.

"It could be a trap!" Sirius whispered.

"Come on, you're getting paranoid!" Remus answered. "Anyway, I won't let my fear of Voldemort keep me from helping people!" With these words, Remus determinedly crossed the road, just as the man at the other site doubled up and retched.

"Sir, can I help you?" Remus asked, suspecting that this was just another drunkard.

The man looked up at him through dark greasy hair.

"Snape?" Remus asked. What was Snape doing here, at that time and in that condition? Remus looked in confusion at Sirius, who had followed him and looked similarly surprised.

Remus was not sure whether Snape recognised them at all. The potions master pulled himself up on the wall and lurched on.

"Wait!" Remus said, reaching out for Snape's arm. "Are you ok?" Stupid question, Remus thought, obviously the potions master was not ok.

Snape did not answer, just holding on to the wall as if having difficulties to stand.

"You better come with us." Remus said gently. Snape did not even look at him. "Please let me help you."

***

While they were leading Snape to his flat, Remus was not sure what was most worrying about Snape's condition: the fact that he barely could walk without help, or the empty look on his face. He obviously was under shock; but what had happened?

"So, that's my home," Remus said to break the awkward silence, when they were leading Snape into his flat. Not even sure whether Snape could hear him, he asked: "Can I offer you something? Food, something to drink, a hot bath?"

"Bath." Snape answered. Or did he just repeat the last word?

"What a surprise from the one man who never washes his hair." Sirius Black threw in.

"Sirius!" Remus hissed. By God, could Sirius not once forget his enmity with Snape??? He ushered Snape into the bathroom and prepared him a hot tub, while Snape, looking pale and sick, was leaning against the wall, eyes closed.

Remus threw a brief glance at Sirius Black, who was watching Snape calmly. Wasn't Sirius at all shocked about seeing Snape like that? Could their childish grudge go that far?

"Your tub is ready, I hope the temperature is ok for you." Remus finally said. Snape opened his eyes, stepped to the tub and slid out of his robes, still that empty look on his face. The brief look Remus could cast at Snape's naked body before his sat down in the tub was a gruesome sight:

His legs and his behind were smeared with blood and something that looked like dried semen. Remus bit back a gasp and gathered the robes from the floor. He noticed now that they, too, were dirtied with the same fluids. And smelled terribly. "Scream if you need something." he said to Snape before he left the bathroom together with Sirius.

At least, Sirius looked a bit sick now. Quietly he said: "Last time I saw him, Dumbledore asked him to resume his old role as a spy."

"You mean, Voldemort did not believe him?" Remus replied.

Sirius laughed without humour. "If Voldemort did not believe him to be a loyal Death Eater, he would be dead now."

Of course, Sirius was right.

Remus looked at Snape's robes, feeling disgusted and depressed. "Why did they do that if not for his spying?"

Sirius shrugged. "Maybe something he said, maybe something he did, maybe you-know-who didn't like his nose..."

Remus looked sharply at Sirius Black. "I'm not fond of Snape either, but right now he needs our help, so behave yourself."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Do you have to interpret any remark as spiteful? I just meant to say that Voldemort doesn't need a good reason to... to torture people. He just does it. - And if you want to help Snape, you should first of all make sure that he is not going to drown himself in that tub; it

wouldn't surprise me if he did."

Alarmed by Sirius words, Remus opened the door and peaked in; but Snape was just lying in the tub with closed eyes.

***

After about fifteen minutes, Remus decided to ask Snape to come out of the tub. Snape did not answer, but meekly let himself be helped out, wrapped in a bathrobe and led into the bedroom. He fell asleep on the spot.

Remus yawned and turned to Sirius. "We have to share the couch, I guess."

Sirius frowned. "It's after dawn."

"I'm a night vigil, I usually sleep until noon." Remus replied.

Sirius nodded. "I'll keep guard now, I anyway couldn't sleep." Then he turned into a dog.

Remus shrugged and rolled up on the couch. He was dead tired.

***

The difference between werewolves and animagi was that animagi kept their reason in animal form. Lying on the floor, Sirius pondered the past events. It was disconcerting to see Snape in that condition; all the fire was gone.

His feelings about Snape, however, were confusing as ever. He had not told Remus or anyone, but in Azkaban he had come to some interesting conclusions about at least some aspects of his enmity to Severus Snape.

It had been hatred on first sight. From the minute they'd first laid eyes on each other, Sirius had been obsessed. There was something about Snape that made him want to jump at his throat any second. Was it the lanky looks, the too long nose, the sarcastic sneer? His arrogance, his

stubbornness, his interest in the Dark Arts, his self-imposed isolation? Or his intelligence, his boldness, his refusal to duck down for anyone? Sirius had not talked to James for a week when James had joked that they were quite similar in that respect.

Azkaban was the place that kept one's worst memories alive; it was no surprise that Sirius had most of the time been chased by the memory of James and Lilly dying, and of Peter's betrayal. But then, he had also quite often seen Snape on his inner eye; Snape looking hurt for the flicker of a second after some particular cruel jokes, before he hid his feelings behind a condescending sneer. Snape bleeding from werewolf's claws, and, most often Snape when he had chosen to simply ignore Sirius's pranks during most of the time in year six. Which was exactly the reason why Sirius had lured Snape through the tunnel to the shrieking shack where he would find Remus in his werewolf form: Snape had spend the last couple of months more and more with some new found friends, and simply didn't care about any of Sirius's attempts to play tricks on him. Sirius had wanted Snape's attention turned back on him, no matter to what price.

Of course, back then Sirius had not seen through his own reasons for his behaviour. How could a sixteen year old boy guess how close hatred was to love?

Where was the Severus Snape he had been so obsessed with now? The apathetic, empty shell next door had nothing at all in common with the man he loved to hate.

One more reason to hate Voldemort: he had not just killed some of his best friends, now he had also broken his favourite enemy.

He wanted _ his_ Snape back. But he was quite convinced, if anyone could pull Snape out of his apathy, then it was him. He had always been able to drive him mad.

***

Sirius must have dozen off later; he woke up when he smelt sausages, scrambled eggs and baked beans. Sirius turned back into human form and stood up. Remus was in the small cooking corner of his flat, preparing breakfast. Or rather lunch. Or brunch.

"Morning Sirius." He said friendly, when he saw he was awake. "Breakfast is almost ready." With a worried frown he added. "Can you watch the food for a moment when I wake up our guest."

"Sure." Sirius said, looking after Remus, who quickly crossed the kitchen, which also served as living room, to get into the bedroom. He wondered if Snape was any better now after some hours of sleep.

A few minutes later Remus came back with Snape, dressed in Remus's green bathrobes. Snape was limping quite a bit, and his face was as blank as before. "Sit down here please, ok?" Remus spoke carefully to him, like to a mentally ill person.

If Snape felt any pain at sitting down, it didn't show on his face. Sirius sat down opposite Snape while Remus put the food onto the plates. It smelt delicious.

Sirius was hungry indeed; he couldn't eat regularly while on the run, so he greedily gorged down his food. It tasted delicious, too.

Snape, on the other hand, hardly took a forkful of eggs, before he put aside his fork and stood up.

"Where are you going?" Remus asked.

Without an answer Snape limped to the bathroom and shut the door. Soon Sirius could hear noises of water flowing into a tub.

Sirius reached out for Snape's plate. "Guess he won't eat that anymore." he said and took the plate, starting to eat that portion, too.

"Sirius!" Remus called disapproving.

Sirius looked at Remus, shrugging. "It won't help anyone if I let it spoil, will it?" Remus obviously believed he did not care at all about what had happened to Snape. How could he ever convince him otherwise? With a sigh, Sirius put down his fork, and glanced with annoyance at Remus:

"Remus, believe me, I too am totally shocked about his condition. I, too, want him to get better soon. And if you don't believe me that I want him better because I like him so much, then just remember that I know we need him. As a spy. For the information." He spoke slowly like to a small child.

"Spy?" Remus said doubtfully. "You expect him to go back?"

Sirius gazed earnestly at Remus: "The Snape we know wouldn't be scared off by any_ danger."

Remus smirked. "Wow, you're really talking rather positive about Snape for once."

Sirius smiled slightly. "I've grown up." he said.

Remus looked seriously at Sirius. "I guess we should bring Snape into a hospital or to a doctor."

Sirius sighed. "Snape is a proud man. If you bring him to a doctor, and it will get known beyond these doors what happened to him, and he will hate you for the rest of your life."

Remus shrugged. "He already hates me because I wanted to eat him some twenty years ago."

Something told Sirius a doctor would not be the best solution.

"I don't think he will die of his injuries." Sirius said. "It is more important to get him out of that goddamn apathy."

"That's why I think he needs a doctor." Remus replied.

"I could always drive him mad." Sirius said slowly. "I'm sure I can, let's say, wake him up."

Remus shook his head, full of doubt. "You could make things worse."

"Can Snape get any worse?" Sirius asked.

"Not really." Remus replied.

"Ok, I go to the bathroom now." Sirius said and stood up. Remus did not try to hold him back.

***

"Hello Severus," Sirius said, when he entered the bathroom.

Snape was lying in the tub like yesterday, just briefly looking up when Sirius entered the room. No sign of recognition was given.

"Do you know who I am?" Sirius asked insecurely. Severus Snape did not even look at him as an answer. All in all, he reminded Sirius much on the prisoners of Azkaban: all those depressed, haggard figures, each of them isolated even when they were in the same room, suspended in their own pain.

Sirius swallowed and turned to the mirror. He didn't want to think of Azkaban now. He didn't want to think of Azkaban ever again. But one look into the mirror reminded him that he had lost his best years to the prison. He was no longer the pretty young man, his face was thinner, his cheeks more hollow.

Sirius took off his shirt and started washing himself. Well, at least his ribs didn't stand out as much as a year before. Azkaban possibly would have killed him soon if he had not escaped.

Snape did not move while Sirius washed, either. It began to really worry Sirius. Maybe he should now try to provoke Snape somehow, say something that would make him angry and so pull him out of his apathy. But for once he did not have one single clue how to annoy Snape.

Finally, his lame question was: "Do you want to stay in there until you dissolve?"

No reply.

Sirius unplugged the tub. A slight frown, but no protest. Instead, Snape silently climbed out of the tub, took on the green bathrobe and left the bathroom.

Sirius sighed. Maybe Remus was right, maybe they should leave Snape to a professional. Then again, he did not really trust doctors. Doctors often visited Azkaban, when one of the prisoners stopped eating for days, or became totally cataclysmic. But they had only cured the symptoms, never removed the cause, the Dementors.

***

Remus was surprised when the bathroom door opened and Snape came out. But Snape still looked apathic, and just walked straight through the room and into the bedroom. Remus followed him and watched him lying down on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

So much pain, there was just so much pain in the world. James and Lily dead, Peter, first thought to be dead and then found out to be a traitor and mass murderer. And Sirius innocently in the worst prison of the world for thirteen years. Harry an orphan, the Longbottoms in St. Mungo's... and now Snape. Not that he liked Snape very much; he also did not really dislike Snape, except, of course, for ruining his career by telling that he was a werewolf. Distrust because of his lycantrophy was not new to him. Just one more disappointment, one more job lost.

Sirius joined him in the doorframe, frowning.

"All right, I have to do some cleaning up. And washing." Remus said. "His robes are really..." disgusting, horrifying, smeared with blood and other dried fluids.

"I'll keep an eye on him." Sirius answered.

Remus looked doubtfully at Sirius. Some sparks of his humour showed through when he answered: "Promise me not to hurt him, maim him, kill him or send dangerous beasts after him."

Sirius looked insulted for a moment, then he realised that Remus was joking.

***

Sirius stood a few feet away from the bed, and looked thoughtfully at Snape. Snape did not seem to notice him, just stared at the ceiling. His eyes, earlier in his life sparkling with fire, were dead. His face showed no expression whatsoever.

He indeed looked like a prisoner of Azkaban. Sirius tried to push back the memories of his time in prison, but in vain. Thirteen years of pain were not so easy to erase, thirteen years of sadness, of loneliness and fear. Not one single happy moment during those years.

***

Snape fought hard; fought to climb out of his inner dungeon of paralysing memories and to get back into life. He knew it was over, he was not beinggang-raped anymore. He was in some house, he knew not where, and some people were taking care of him, but he knew not who. It was over, but he still could feel their hands, feel their cocks, taste their semen, even smell them. He still felt the same pain and fear and humiliation, was haunted by the memory of their merciless, lecherous faces staring down at him.

Was not someone staring down at him now? Would it all start again? Would Lucius strip him bare, would they use him again?

He had to get them out of his head!

***

Remus wondered whether the Muggle washing machine would be able to get the grime out of Snape's clothes. But one was not to underestimate Muggle technique, some of it worked better than the bewitched wizards' equivalent. So Remus just put an extra amount of washing powder into the machine and started it. The robes should be washable at sixty degrees, he hoped.

Remus left the bathroom and re-entered the kitchen in order to do the dishes. He had just filled the basin with water when he heard Sirius calling, his voice worryingly near to panic.

"What the hell..." Remus murmured, running towards the bedroom.

What he saw was... surprising. Shocking.

Severus Snape sat upright in his bed, rhythmically banging his head against the wall, while Sirius was trying to pull him away.

Remus woke from his momentary paralysis and helped Sirius to stop Snape from hurting himself. Together they succeeded to pull him off the bed and into the middle of the room, where no wall was nearby, but Snape grabbed Sirius's clothes and yelled: "Incendio!", whereupon his shirt started burning. Cursing, Sirius flung himself onto the floor to extinguish the flames. What surprised Remus most about it was that Snape did not even need a wand to do that. Which reminded him, his own wand was next to the cupboard. Remus quickly grabbed it, pointed it at

the raving wizard and called: "Stupefy!"

Snape crumbled to the floor on the spot.

Remus quickly stepped to Sirius: "Are you hurt?" he asked worriedly.

"No, just my shirt is ruined."

Now that he knew that his only living friend was out of danger, Remus had time for anger.

"What the hell did you DO?" Remus shouted.

Sirius looked at him, eyes wide in surprise. "Nothing!" he said defensive.

"Nothing?" Remus laughed hysterically. "He slammed his head against the wall for nothing?"

"Yes." Sirius just answered.

"Will you just be content when he is dead????" Remus screamed.

Sirius looked flabbergasted at him.

"You've spend all our school time teasing him, you almost killed him - worse, you almost made ME kill him! And now..." Remus was almost surprised how much repressed anger flew out of him. "What if James had not followed him? What if I had killed him? Or if I had BITTEN him and infected him with the same curse. Ever thought of that???"

Sirius looked as if he'd been enlightened. "So that's what it's all about, this stupid joke of mine."

"Joke? A joke is something people laugh about, Sirius, not something that gets people killed!" Remus hissed, his heart racing with anger.

"I didn't want him to die, I just wanted him to pay more attention to me!" Sirius said.

"Yeah, of course, the great Sirius Black couldn't stand not to be in the centre of everyone's attention! No matter for what price, even if the price is me killing someone."

"As I said, I didn't want to kill him." Sirius said, looking as if astonished about Remus's outbreak. "I didn't think about the consequences. I just wanted him to pay attention to me. Because HIS attention was important to me."

"Where the hell..." A sullen voice threw in. Both Remus and Sirius looked with surprise at Snape. He was just sitting up, shaking his head as if to shake off sleep.

"How long did you listen to us?" Sirius asked suspiciously.

Snape frowned as if trying to remember. "I just heard you talking about your attention-problem."

Remus squat down opposite Snape. All his anger for Sirius was gone, as if drained out. But he could hardly believe that Snape was talking to them. "How much do you remember from the last few hours?" he asked.

A painful look briefly crossed Snape's face. Then he said slowly: "I do not remember why I'm in a shabby room with my second-worst enemies."

"Because we found you after your worst enemies were through with you." Sirius answered cynically.

Remus rolled his eyes. Would that never stop?

To his concern Snape shook violently. "What do you know about that?" he asked.

Sirius looked at least a bit worried, when he answered: "Just what we could guess from the state you were in." Snape looked at Sirius as if waiting for a longer explanation. "You didn't recognise us, you didn't talk, your robes were dirtied with blood and..." Sirius stopped.

Snape looked at the bathrobe he was wearing and asked: "Where are my robes now?"

"In the washing machine." Remus replied.

"The what?" Snape frowned uncomprehending.

Remus sighed. "The Muggle equivalent of a house elf."

"Ah." Snape looked as if he almost understood. "Did you tell anyone how you found me?"

"No." Remus said. "We thought about consulting a doctor, but..."

Snape shook his head, almost looking scared: "No doctor." he said.

Sirius shot Remus a very annoying ''I told you''-look. Remus had an idea.

Now that Snape was awake again... "You must be in pain, maybe you want to brew yourself a healing potion?"

Snape nodded his head. Good, as long as Snape wanted to brew potions, he was the same old Snape they knew.

Remus handed him paper and a pen. "Write down the ingredients you need and I'll get them for you."

***

Sirius helped Remus do the dishes while Snape was sitting at the table, writing his list. He often changed position, as if having difficulties in finding a comfortable way to sit.

"I really didn't want to kill him twenty years ago." Sirius said under his breath to Remus.

"I know." Remus replied. "I was just upset because when I came in it looked as if you totally messed it up."

"I really didn't do anything." Sirius replied thoughtfully. "I neither know why he freaked out, nor why he's normal again."

Remus shook his head. "He's not normal. Look how his hands are shaking."

Sirius briefly looked at Snape and sighed. Remus was right, that pathetic wretch was not the normal Snape.

***

Snape heard them whispering. Where they talking about him? Severus sighed and tried to calm down. Very likely that they were indeed talking about him. No reason to become paranoid though, as long as they were not snickering behind his back.

Severus added also the ingredients for Wolfsbane to the list and on a second paper an authorisation for access to his account at Gringotts. He did not want to owe Lupin anything; by brewing him the Wolfsbane, he could pay for his stay here; unfortunately it was not advisable in his state to travel, else he would have already left.

What kind of sick joke was the universe playing on him, to let him be found by Remus Lupin and Sirius Black out of all people?

***

Sirius watched Snape stand up and limp over to Remus to give him the list. He wondered how often Snape had been raped, and by how many people, but he seriously doubted that Snape would answer if he asked him. A miracle that he was alive.

"Also get a rental owl." Snape said. "Dumbledore will be worried if I don't give him a life-sign."

As far as Sirius knew Snape, he probably was not going to tell Dumbledore much more than that he was alive. Quite typical for Snape, too, that he gave Remus access to his account to avoid owing him something. But Remus probably would anyway have great trouble with paying for all the ingredients on the list.

Before dis-apparating, Remus looked with worry at Sirius and Snape. "Can I leave the two of you alone without you killing one another?"

"I already promised you not to hurt him, maim him, kill him or send dangerous beasts after him." Sirius replied, noticing with satisfaction that Snape was glaring at him.

"I'll do my best." Snape replied darkly.

Remus obviously was not really satisfied with that, but left anyway.

***

Snape tried to limp as little as possible when he went to the window and stared out. He didn't want to give Sirius Black the satisfaction of seeing him in pain. Of course, Black was one of those bloody honourable Gryffindors, who would never take pleasure in seeing any creature in pain. At least, that's what was on the outside. Snape knew better; maybe Sirius Black had not really tried to kill him when he had send him after the werewolf, but that had just been the culmination of all his so-called pranks.

What had he heard Black saying when he had been waking up, that he had just done all that to get his attention? Typical Sirius, just happy when he was in the centre of everyone's admiration.

Or had he said something about wanting especially his attention?

Whatever.

Snape decided not to waste his thoughts on Black and looked out at the streets of Little Hangleton. Remus Lupin's shabby flat was in the fourth storey of a shabby house in a shabby street. Admittedly, it was all his fault that Lupin had to live in such a place; if he had not told the Slytherins that Lupin was a werewolf he would have kept his well-paid job at Hogwarts.

Yeah, and if Lupin had stayed as teacher of the Defence against the Dark Arts, Barty Crouch would not have taken the shape of Mad Eye Moody to get into Hogwarts.

But at that time he had still believed that Black was guilty and that Lupin was protecting a murderer. He now had the proof that Black was innocent; he had seen Peter Pettigrew among the Death Eaters, and he had been quite alive.

No, he was not going to think about that now!

The town, yes. A typical English town with red brickstone houses. Muggles walking around or driving in their cars, a stray cat, the tower of a church.

Wasn't that the Church were the Death Eaters had met in the graveyard? Where Voldemort had tortured him, where Lucius had stripped him bare, where they all had raped him again and again and again and...

Snape gasped and turned away from the window. Hands, rough hands holding him down, hardness invading him, the taste of semen and blood, and the lecherous expression on their faces...

Snape clutched to the wall, tightly shutting his eyes, while the ground seemed to spin.

"Severus?" a concerned voice asked.

Snape opened his eyes, seeing Sirius Black standing before him, putting one hand on his shoulder. Why on earth did Black look so damned worried?

Severus's stomach turned and he ran into the bathroom.

***

Sirius Black watched Snape vomiting into the toilet. Amazing, that Snape still had something to throw up though he had not eaten his breakfast. (Which reminded him, mustn't he be hungry?)

Also amazing was how much it hurt to see Snape like that. It was like a hit into his own stomach.

Snape raised to his feet, shaking violently, and washed out his mouth at the basin. Then he looked sharply at Sirius. "Enjoying the view?" he barked.

"Not really." Sirius replied. "By the way, you didn't eat your breakfast, you must be starving. Do you think you can keep something?"

Snape just shrugged, so Sirius checked out Remus's fridge. It was not really a well stocked fridge, but bread, butter and cheese would do for now.

Snape ate without much appetite.

Sirius had about a thousand questions in mind, but he wasn't sure whether it was wise to ask them. But maybe it would even help Snape to talk about what had happened? Or maybe he was just searching for an excuse to ask his questions.

Then there also was the problem that Sirius did not know a considerate way to ask. So he finally decided to just do it. "What did Voldemort do that for?"

Snape glared at him darkly.

"He obviously didn't want to kill you, else you would be dead." Sirius added. "So why did he do that? Was it something you said? A disciplinary device?"

Snape's face contorted with hatred. "Bastard!" he hissed.

"No, I just wonder why." Sirius said.

"And I wonder why you don't go back to Azkaban and rot there; it seems the perfect place for you!" Snape replied.

Sirius held back the upcoming anger. Snape was doing this because he felt attacked and hurt, and he would probably feel the same in his shoes.

Sirius sat down opposite Snape and looked openly at him. "I don't go back to Azkaban because I haven't been caught yet. And I pray each night to every god I heard of that I will never have to return there, because it is simply hell." Sirius hoped his openness would make it easier for Snape to answer his question as well.

Indeed Snape looked as if he was about to answer when suddenly Remus re-apparated, with two big bags and an owl. "I've got everything!" he

called.

Sirius sighed. Why did Remus have to come back just now?

To his surprise Snape, looking at Sirius with a small malicious smile, said: "To answer your question, Black: I think he did that because I mentioned that I don't like the fact that he put me under some sexual spells fifteen years ago."

Remus stared at them with wide eyes, almost dropping his bags. "What?"

Ok, Snape really did seem to enjoy shocking them. Which was, all in all, a good sign.

***

After Snape had send the owl to Dumbledore - with the minimalist message that he was fine and would return in a few days - , Remus watched him spreading the ingredients for the potion on the table. His movements were slower, more strained than usual, but one could see that he was in his element. He was calmer and more relaxed than before.

"Can I help?" Remus asked. Sirius was not the only one with a lot of questions in his head. Maybe he could get some answers if he stayed close to Snape.

"Cut these." Snape answered shortly, pointing at some leaves of parsley.

Remus silently worked for a while, then he couldn't stay silent any longer.

"Did you see Peter?"

Snape looked at him, raising an eye-brow. "Pettigrew? Oh yes, I saw him."

Did he deliberately give non-satisfactory answers? Sirius was sitting nearby, drinking a cup of tea and listening with interest.

"Did he...?"

Did he do anything? Did he stand by and watch? Did he add rape to the list of his crimes?

Snape looked calmly at Remus. "Do you think Pettigrew has the guts to disobey the Lord's orders?"

A year ago he would have sworn on that. How could he have misjudged Peter that much?

Mentioning Peter did not seem to upset Snape half as much as Sirius, who was staring darkly into his cup. It somehow made sense; while Peter had committed the mass murder Sirius had been in Azkaban for, he was for Snape just one among many.

Traitor, murderer, rapist, and Remus would never have thought Peter capable of any of these crimes.

"You didn't know that Peter was the traitor fifteen years ago?" Sirius threw in.

"I knew there was a spy." Snape replied. "And it made perfectly sense to me when it looked as if you were the traitor."

"When did _you turn a spy?" Sirius asked.

Snape looked for a few seconds at Sirius before he replied: "Is this an interrogation?"

"No," Sirius said. "You are welcome to ask questions yourself. When did you turn a spy?"

Snape murmured something that sounded suspiciously like 'this is ridiculous', but then he answered: "He-who-must-not-be-named had put me under a variety of binding spells, love spells and sexual dependency spells. I turned a spy when I found out."

Remus could imagine that an independent-minded man like Snape would be quite angry when he found out that he was put under binding spells. He also could imagine that Snape did not like talking about it, and that he would return Sirius an uncomfortable question as well. And indeed, with a malicious smile Snape asked Sirius, what memories had most haunted him while in Azkaban. Remus shook his head; would the two ever grow up and stop trying to hurt each other? Judging from Sirius sarcastic smile, he had an unexpected answer in mind that would surprise Snape.

"Memories of you, Snape." he said, in faked cheer.

"Oh, was I so horrible to you at school?" Snape replied, his voice dripping with irony.

"Not more horrible than I was to you." Sirius answered. "but it totally freaked me out that you chose to ignore me in year six and seven."

"My apologies." Snape snarled. "I really should have given you all the attention you deserve."

This attention thing was a bit odd. Except if Sirius wanted to say.... Remus looked up, gazing surprised at the two men. Of course, how could he not have guessed earlier?

"You were in love with him!" he shouted.

Snape looked at Remus as if he had lost his mind.

"Bingo!" Sirius called.

Snape looked from Remus to Sirius and back. "You're sick!" he snarled.

"I didn't really know it at that time." Sirius said. "It was quite confusing."

Snape looked angrily away and concentrated silently on preparing the potion. Remus was not surprised that Snape did not believe them; even though it suddenly was quite obvious, now that he knew it.

***

That was enough, Severus would leave as soon as the potion showed its pain relieving effects. What kind of sick game were those Gryffindors playing now? Anger and hurt were running through his veins like poison. Why did they have to make fun of him even now?

"I need a cauldron!" he barked at Lupin.

"Sure," Remus said in his usual friendly way and put a cauldron over the fireplace. In his faked kindness beneath which a werewolf was lurking.

Snape limped over and started brewing his potion.

"I wasn't lying, you know." Black suddenly said.

Blood was rushing to Snape's head. "Yeah, sure." he snarled.

"You have a tendency to underestimate yourself." Sirius replied. "Half of the school agreed that you have a very fascinating personality."

Severus turned to Black and looked in faked calm at him. "Why don't you just stop talking nonsense, Black?"

"Because, if you don't believe me, your anger at me will only grow, and Dumbledore ordered us to get past our enmity."

"Why then don't you stop making fun of me?" Snape hissed.

Black was a better actor than he had thought. The Gryffindor sighed and buried his head in his hands, as if losing patience.

"You've chosen a very bad time for your confession, Sirius." Remus threw in. "But your timing has always been bad."

Severus turned back to the cauldron, concentrating only on the potion.

***

Sirius had totally messed it up. How could he expect Snape to believe him, especially now, in his current fragile state of mind? Remus was right, he really had a bad timing. An extraordinarily bad timing.

Sirius felt a comforting hand on his shoulder. He looked up and saw Remus smiling encouragingly down at him. Sirius tried hard to smile back, but everything was so depressing at the moment. And he had thought everything would be good once he escaped Azkaban.

Looking at the table, Sirius saw a few bags that were still closed. "You forgot some ingredients." he said, and regretted it instantly. A potions master did not 'forget' ingredients, he must have good reasons not to have opened them yet.

"That's for the Wolfsbane." Snape replied shortly.

"Oh, thank you!" Remus answered with surprise.

"Nevermind." Snape said, not even looking at them.

***

Next full moon was in three days, Remus had taken off at that time, but it was good not to have to chain himself to a wall. His bedroom looked a bit like that of a pervert, with massive chains installed at one of the walls. He was surprised that his neighbours had not yet complained about the noise he made once a month; to avoid them hearing him howling he put heavy metal CDs into his stereo at high volume and pushed the repeat button - either his neighbours were deaf or really didn't mind being kept awake by Iron Maiden, Van Halen and Rammstein every four weeks.

And Snape put that away with a ill-spirited "Nevermind".

Now, after Sirius confession, Remus could comprehend the dimensions of their enmity better. He actually was quite optimistic that Snape would understand that this was not just a sick joke when he had time to think about it; a Slytherin should understand the closeness of love and hate.

Then again, Sirius was right, despite all his arrogance Snape had a tendency to underestimate himself.

***

Strange, how it made Snape already feel better to brew a potion. Why none of his students could see the fascination of the exact combination of the ingredients he really couldn't understand. In his first few years teaching at Hogwarts he had still tried all he could to inspire them, but now he didn't even try anymore.

Severus filled a cup with the potion and took a deep sip, leaning tiredly against the wall. Unfortunately it would take a few minutes before it started take effect, and Severus desperately craved relieve from the pain that he felt about everywhere in his abused body. Too bad that the potion wouldn't numb his mind, too, because it got harder and harder to keep his mind distracted from the events of last night.

***

They spend the rest of the day in awkward silence, so Remus put a few CDs in the player - no heavy metal - and read a book. Sirius kept himself similarly occupied while Snape drank cup after cup of that pain-relieving potion. Enough to make Remus worry that he might be getting an

overdose, but Snape probably knew better how much he could take. Snape ate a bit more for dinner than for breakfast, but still didn't seem to have much appetite.

Remus soon would have to go to work, but he was not as worried anymore to let the two alone than before. They hadn't killed each other yet, they wouldn't kill each other now. He hoped.

***

Snape wondered why he had not left yet. The pain-reliever was working well, his body was thoroughly numbed, so he could either disapparate or ask Remus Lupin for floo powder. Yet he had stayed, too tired and depressed to take the initiative to go. Tomorrow he would be better, then

he would brew Lupin his Wolfsbane and leave.

Soon after Lupin had gone to work he went to bed.

The dreams were horrifying. He was lying on the ground in the graveyard, surrounded by the Death Eaters, while Lucius was stripping him bare. The others were watching with lecherous faces, whispering and hissing to one another. Then they all turned to vultures and started picking at his flesh. Severus screamed and trashed out, but they pinned him down and kept on ripping out pieces of his flesh, not minding that he still was alive.

***

Sirius looked up from the newspaper he was reading when he heard Snape scream. Sirius sighed and stood up. No wonder that Severus had nightmares. He quickly entered the bedroom and squat down at the bedside. Severus was thrashing around in his dream, his face contorted in fear.

"Severus!" Sirius called, shaking him by the shoulder to wake him up. It took a while before Snape opened his eyes, looking totally horrified at Sirius. Then Snape clenched his fist and beat Sirius right into the face.

Sirius fell backwards, more from surprise than from the impact of the fist. Snape jumped into a crouching position, ready to attack.

"It's me, Sirius Black!" Sirius called.

Snape looked lopsided at him and asked: "And why should that be a reason not to beat you?"

"WAKE UP!" Sirius screamed.

Snape blinked and looked around the room. Then he sat down on the bed, shakingly pulling his legs to his chest.

"You dreamt of them, right?" Sirius asked.

Severus buried his head on his knees and started sobbing. It was the first time in all the years he knew him that Sirius saw Severus Snape crying.

Sirius sat down on the bed beside Severus.

"Get thee away!" the potions master hissed.

"No." Sirius calmly said and put an arm around Snape's shoulder. Snape stiffened and tried to move away. "It's ok, Severus." Sirius said. "Everybody hurts."

After awhile Severus relaxed and even leaned into Sirius's embrace. Sirius smiled in relief. Maybe he had not messed up everything after all.

But then, it also hurt so much to see Severus like that, to think that someone had given him so much pain. Sirius felt tears filling his eyes, and after a few minutes, he just let them go.

***

Remus Lupin was uncharacteristically nervous during the hours he spend in the museum. It still was awkward to leave Severus Snape and Sirius Black alone in a room, after all they had been best enemies for years. Plus, Sirius was not necessarily the most sensitive person he knew; he

might do or say something cruel simply out of ignorance.

Remus hurried home when his work was over, quickly climbed up the stairs to his flat and unlocked the door. Everything was quiet and dark in the kitchen. Where was Sirius?

Remus looked into the bedroom and found both men sleeping in his bed, Severus with his head on Sirius's shoulder, Sirius wrapping an arm protectively around Snape.

Remus smiled. That was definitively an improvement.

***

Severus Snape woke up later, wondering for a moment where he was. And why the hell was he sharing a bed with Sirius Black? One movement reminded him of the pain radiating from his behind to his legs, back and stomach. Then he remembered those dreadful hours, the hands holding him down, the hard cocks driving into him, seemingly never-ending in taking turns on him. No, stop, they should get out of his head!

Sirius, beside him, woke up and looked with worry at him. "Severus, are you ok?"

It wasn't fair, Sirius Black shouldn't see him like that! Black would secretly enjoy seeing him suffer.

He also remembered having had uncountable nightmares that night. In his dreams he had lived through the terror once again; or sometimes the Death Eaters had turned to vultures picking at his flesh, or into rats eating him alive. But he remembered, too, that Sirius Black had waken him up

from his nightmares, comforting him, holding him. Crying with him.

Ok, Sirius Black did _not enjoy seeing him suffer. Maybe he wasn't even lying when he had said that he had been in love with him at school.

Severus just wondered whether the universe would ever stop playing sick jokes on him.

***

Severus looked as if in great pain and fear and despair. Like he had looked all night when waking up from nightmares.

"Severus?" Sirius asked, gently touching his temple. Snape moved away as if burned. Sirius felt the sudden urge to strangle Voldemort. How dare he do that to HIS enemy? To his beloved, he corrected himself. It was obviously more than just a twisted school crush.

Sirius sat up, looking at the watch. Trying to be pragmatic, he said: "It's past eight, Remus will sleep until noon. I'm afraid I'm not as good a cook as he is, but I can get you something to eat from the fridge if you like."

Severus shook his head. "I'm not hungry." he said.

"You should eat from time to time." Sirius advised him half-jokingly. "It's what we mortals do to stay alive."

"I'm not mortal." Snape replied earnestly.

"Typical Slytherin arrogance." Sirius said, gazing with interest at Severus, who was half-sitting, half lying on the bed. What was it that made him so obsessed with him?

"What?" Snape hissed sharply, returning his gaze.

"I just thought..." Sirius didn't finish his sentence. Severus had reacted quite bad to his confession yesterday, would it be any difference today?

"Thought what?" Snape followed it up.

Sirius sighed. Snape didn't leave him any choice. "I thought what a pity that you will never sleep with me now that I finally admitted to myself the true nature of my feelings." Sirius expected Snape to get angry again, but he just stared in a scrutinising manner at Sirius. Eventually he looked away, whispering: "I've been raped, not castrated."

Sirius was not sure whether he had heard right.

Avoiding to meet Sirius's gaze, Snape added: "Certainly not now, but maybe in a few months..."

Sirius wanted to hug and kiss Snape, but he doubted that he would appreciate that. Instead he simply said: "Thank you."

Severus looked at him darkly: "No need to say thank you; I don't intend to let them win and spoil my life."

"Now you sound like a brave-hearted Gryffindor." Sirius realised that he had made a mistake when Snape's hands shot out and closed tightly around his throat.

"Err, I meant that as a compliment!" he croaked.

***

Snape decided not to strangle Sirius Black. First of all, he wouldn't succeed anyway - Black was physically stronger than he. Besides, he was curious to find out in what new direction his relationship with Black was developing. Black lusting after him was frightening, especially now that... [black-clad figures surrounding him, leaving no chance to escape]

On the other hand, he indeed had always found Black quite alluring. Not as much as Tom Riddle - there really had been times when he would have gone through hell and back for Tom. That was before he had found out that his love was just a lie. Long before his ex-lover had put him through

hell at the hands of his followers.

And Sirius Black he had found alluring without thinking it possible that he felt the same about him. It still made little sense. He could understand what Tom Riddle alias Voldemort had seen in him - his magical abilities and his family fortune. What did Sirius Black see in him?

***

Remus Lupin woke up at high noon, yawning and stretching on his couch. It was not as comfortable as his bed, but he had slept on worse. Remus stood up and cast a glance into his bedroom. Severus Snape was lying on his stomach reading one of Remus's books, but no trace of Sirius.

On Remus's question where he was Snape looked up and said: "He is taking himself for a walk."

Remus had a weird picture on his inner eye of Sirius in dog-form being led on a leash by Sirius in human form.

As if smelling the food Sirius came back just as he had finished making breakfast. As yesterday Sirius hungrily gorged down his food, while Snape (in his cleaned and dried robes) only ate a few bits and pieces.

"That won't work." Sirius suddenly said.

Both Snape an Remus looked uncomprehendingly at him.

"You won't get invisible just because you don't eat." Sirius explained.

Remus was a bit worried how Snape would react, but he just answered: "That's what my house-elves keep telling me, too, but I'm trying to proof them wrong."

Remus looked from Snape to Sirius and back. They were _almost_ smiling at each other. What the hell had happened while he was at work?

***

Snape was eager to brew the Wolfsbane right after breakfast. As soon as Remus and Sirius had started to clear the table, he asked where the ingredients were. Sirius almost forgot drying the dishes so occupied was he with watching Severus preparing the potion. He was working with such an intense concentration. And with such a calmness. He actually looked peaceful.

"At school you thought potions were dull." Remus said under his breath to Sirius.

"Yeah, and I used to tell everyone how abnormal I thought it was for Snape to love them." Sirius replied.

"Yet you spend most of the time each lesson watching him." Remus smirked. "I wonder that I didn't realise then what was up."

Snape finally noticed that they were watching him and looked up, rising a questioning eye-brow: "What?" he asked.

Sirius turned back to his dishes, feeling weirdly embarrassed.

***

Remus kept himself amused by watching Sirius and Severus all afternoon. Sirius had turned to intensely watching Snape while brewing the Wolfsbane, undisturbed by Snape's snide remarks about Sirius having nothing better to do than being an annoyance. Sirius then just shrugged and said, yes, he enjoyed being a nuisance. Their quarrelling was just like at school - no, it was not, it had a more friendly undertone. It was more like the quarrels of an old married couple. Remus giggled at the thought.

"What?" Sirius and Snape asked in perfect synchrony.

"Nothing." Remus answered innocently. Snape's eyes narrowed suspiciously, Sirius looked curious. "I want to laugh, too!" he demanded.

Remus was not sure whether they'd find his thoughts so funny, especially Severus Snape. So he said: "This potion brewing just reminded me on something at school," which was almost true, "you remember, when James had accidentally dropped his wand into his cauldron, and it exploded..."

"I do remember," Snape snarled, "most of his dissolution potion had hid my robes. Unfortunately, for once Potter's potion worked."

Sirius was laughing almost as loud as back then, when Snape's robes had fallen apart in little pieces. "And you were so angry with James that you hexed him with an ulcus curse."

"It was worth the detention I got." Snape gnarled.

"Oh yes, it told everyone not to mess with Snape even when he's just wearing a pair of black underpants." Sirius replied earnestly. "By the way, your briefs were cute."

Grumbling Snape returned to his cauldron.

Remus sighed. Funny as this story was, it was always painful to remember James.

***

Remus might be surprised if he knew that Severus, too, found thoughts of James Potter painful. It always reminded him on a talk he had had with Voldemort right after he had found out that his Lord had put him under several dependence spells. His Lord had noticed that he was upset, red eyes watching him scrutinising, suspiciously. To shake off his suspicion, Severus had told him that he'd met James Potter in town and that it had upset him >You know how much I hate him.<

Since hatred was something Voldemort could understand, it had sufficed to shake off his suspicion. >I'll take care off Potter soon, Darkling.< he had promised, before tying him to the bed and drowning his mind and body in waves of ecstasy.

Telling himself that Voldemort would have killed the Potters anyway did not help. He should have tried to find out more about his Lord's plans. He should have tried to find out who the traitor was. That would also have spared Sirius Black the years in Azkaban.

And maybe he shouldn't have been so foolish to believe that Voldemort loved him in the first place.

So many things he regretted.

***

The day passed rather quietly, Snape, from time to time drinking a cup of the pain-reliever he had made yesterday, continued brewing the Wolfsbane, which all in all took a few hours, Remus went to town to re-stock his fridge, Sirius finally got bored from watching Snape and listened through Remus's CD collection instead.

Night fell, Remus drank the freshly-brewed Wolfsbane. He'd have to drink another cup of that awful-tasting potion tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow. Remus went to work for the last time before the full moon.

Since Snape, being waken up by nightmares every few hours, had hardly slept last night, he was dead tired and went to bed right after taking another bath. (In a mean moment Sirius thought that this incident at least had some positive effect on Snape's personal hygiene.)

Sirius staid awake a bit longer, being prepared to join Severus as soon as his first nightmare would arrive. He did not have to wait for long.

***

They were like demons, their faces contorting into grotesque grimaces, their clawed fingers tearing his skin, ripping his flesh, while they were almost fighting to be the next to pound into him. Severus was begging for mercy and one of them crouched down in front of him, spidery hands passing through his hair, caressing his cheek. Severus looked up and into a pair of wide brown eyes in a handsome face framed by brown hair. The face changed into the parody of a human face, red eyes glowing like coals in a pale, scaly skin. "You're mine." it hissed. "Now and forever."

Severus screamed and closed his eyes, feeling someone shaking his shoulder and calling him by his name. When he opened his eyes again he was in a dim shabby room in a bed, with someone sitting at his bedside, shaking his shoulder. Severus recognised the haggard but handsome features in the almost full moon: Sirius Black.

Severus noticed that he was bathed in sweat and breathing heavily.

"It's ok." Sirius said softly. "Cry if you want to."

As if these words had loosened a lump in his throat, Severus felt tears welling up and floating out like of a run-over bucket.

Sirius moved in closer and laid his arms around Severus. After a few minutes Severus relaxed and cried on Sirius's shoulder.

***

Sirius held Severus until his tears had dried, feeling the same anger and pain like yesterday. Finally, Severus fell asleep in his exhaustion. Being tired, too, Sirius lied down beside him, ready to hold him when his next nightmare would torment him.

Yet, this time, Sirius was the one to have nightmares.

It was a dream similar to others that kept haunting him. Actually, it was just his memories turning up again. He stood in a street that looked like after a bomb attack, with about a dozen dead people lying on the broken asphalt, while rats came crawling from the underworld and running away, leaving the sinking ship. Sirius tried to distinguish the rat Peter had turned into, but there was no chance. Peter had escaped his wrath.

Peter, one of his best friends, Peter, the boy whose admiration he had secretly enjoyed immensely. The fourth of the Marauders. Sirius started laughing hysterically. One of his best friends had just turned traitor, left two other of his best friends to die, and now he had killed twelve Muggles. And it had been Sirius himself who had suggested that Peter should be the

secret-keeper, the only one who knew where the Potters were hiding.

Sirius was still laughing when the Aurors came and took him away. He was even laughing before court.

"He is mad, the right place for him would be St. Mungo's." he heard Dumbledore say. Sirius did not listen to what the other people at court said. Shaken by giggles again, he called: "Yes, I killed them." He had, by trusting Peter, killed James and Lily.

Then it got all dark and cold. Tall thin figures, clad in dark clothes, their faces, if they had any, hidden completely by their hoods. They came closer, closer, surrounding him, taking him away to dwell with them forever, sucking out all his joy and luck and peace, suspending him in pain and fear and loneliness.

***

Snape woke up from another nightmare. It had been a mere repetition of what had happened at the graveyard this time, without the addition of the Death Eaters turning in rats or vultures or demons. Yet it was terrible enough. Trembling Severus looked around. Sirius Black was lying next to him, fast asleep. It sounded as if he was laughing in his sleep. Or was he crying? Severus was not sure.

Watching Sirius's face, he got rather sure that he was crying. He looked rather desperate, and was murmuring something like 'Let me out.'

Snape found it strangely comforting to know that he was not the only one having nightmares. Yet he should not leave Sirius like that; after all he had helped him, too. Shaking his shoulder, he called him by the name.

Sirius shrieked up, looking fearfully at him. Then he looked around, recognising where he was.

"Gods," he whispered. "I'm out."

"Azkaban?" Snape guessed.

Sirius shivered and buried his head and his hands. Looked like he was shaken by silent sobs.

Severus felt rather helpless; he was not used to comforting people and did not know what to say. To do something, he carefully placed an arm around Sirius's shoulder. It seemed to be the right thing, because Sirius leaned in close and cried on his shoulder. Feeling more confident with the situation now, Severus embraced Sirius silently. No need for words.

***

Even in this one year after he had left Azkaban, Sirius had no one he could turn to; of course he had been sending owls to Remus and to Dumbledore; and not to forget, Harry. But of course his nightmares were not really something he would mention in letters to Dumbledore or Harry. It was a great help that he could at least tell Remus about his troubles and fears - the only one of his friends who was not dead or turned traitor.

Yet it was something entirely different to be held by someone. It was far more comforting to know that someone was there who cared, that someone was there to comfort him and share his pain.

Sirius snuggled closer to Snape, clinging to him like a drowning man to a life-buoy, breathing in his slightly herb scent. Over night Snape was only wearing a T-shirt he had borrowed from Remus; Sirius could almost feel his skin through it. While his fear and pain subsided, Sirius slowly became aroused. Without thinking about what he was doing, Sirius turned his head to kiss Severus's throat. Since Snape did not react negatively, Sirius moved his hand along Snape's side, under his T-shirt and along the smooth, warm skin.

***

Severus felt panic arising when Sirius moved his hand beneath his shirt. He had differences to breath while he tried to convince himself that there was nothing to fear; Sirius would not abuse and rape him. But disgust and fear won, he uttered a small cry and pushed Sirius away.

Sirius Black almost fell off the bed. He first looked surprised at Severus, who noticed with annoyance that he was shivering violently. Sirius's expression changed into one of guilt. "I'm sorry, Severus, I shouldn't..." Sirius did not finish the sentence.

Snape hugged himself, trying to stop the shivering. Damn, why had he so much lost control over his body? Why could he not hold back the memories that were pushing to the surface now, memories of hands on his skin, of hard cocks drilling into him, the taste of sperm on his tongue, the

sounds of their grunts...

Severus put his hands over his ears and screamed loudly, trying to chase them all out of his head.

***

Sirius slipped off the bed and stared in shock at Snape. Damn, what had he done? And what should he do now?

Sirius did not dare to touch Severus, afraid that it would just make things worse, but he could also not just sit by and watch Severus having some kind of fit.

In order to do something, he run into the kitchen to take a bottle of the pain-relieving potion Snape had brewed yesterday; maybe it also had sedative effects.

Sirius almost force-fed the potion to Snape, but at least it helped; Severus stopped screaming and was shaking less violently.

"I'm sorry." Sirius repeated, feeling miserable. Why did he always do such stupid things?

Severus was staring angrily into thin air.

"I'm really sorry..." Sirius said weakly.

Then Severus snarled: "I behave like such a sissy."

Sirius blinked, realising that Snape was not scolding him, but himself.

"You behave like anyone would who has gone through that much." Sirius stated slowly.

"Do I?" Snape said, staring straight ahead, voice dripping with irony. "It was only a few hours with pain, while you were in Azkaban for thirteen years and still you bear up better than I."

"You should have seen me a year ago." Sirius replied. "Oh, I remember, you did see me a year ago."

Snape seemed to relax a bit at the thought the wreck Sirius had been a year ago.

Again anger at Voldemort welled up in Sirius. "I'm going to kill him!" he murmured.

"Whom?" Snape asked.

"You-know-who." Sirius replied.

To his surprise Severus glared darkly at him and hissed: "Don't you dare kill Voldemort! That's my job!"

"Ok." Sirius said after a few seconds. Then he added with a small smile: "May I kill Peter?"

"Yeah, sure." Severus answered indifferently.

***

The next day passed without much happening; as usually Remus prepared a late breakfast, and in the afternoon they spent most of the time reading, watching Muggle TV (Snape had some difficulties with understanding the Al Bundy humour) or listening to music. Again Snape drank cup after cup of his pain relieving potion and Remus one cup of the Wolfsbane. Then night fell.

Remus straightened up and went into the bedroom, closing the door behind him; he could not stand the thought of them watching his transformation.

It always was painful; unfortunately the potion did not prevent that. And it was a steady reminder of that night when he had walked alone into the forest at night as a child. Out of sheer curiosity he had looked behind a bush to check out what strange noises there were. Dark fur, a pair of gleaming yellow eyes, a snap, a sharp pain piercing his arm. Then a loud bang: his father had come to search for him and shot the werewolf. He had not understood at first why his father was crying so much when he examined his arm. It was only one bite, it hurt, but it was not life-threatening.

He understood soon that it was far worse.

His father's duty would have been to bring him to the ministry for the disposal of dangerous creatures; instead he had kept his son's lycanthrophy secret and locked him into a cage each month. It was Remus's luck that his father was a friend of Dumbledore; else he could hardly have visited Hogwarts, without a headmaster who provided a solution for the other children's safety. There had been only one time when the security measures had not sufficed and one boy had found the way, or rather had been lured, to his secret hiding place at full moon. Thanks to James he had not become a murderer that night.

From the moment the sun sank beneath the horizon Remus could watch his body-hair growing into a light-brown fur. At the same time the more painful changes were led in: Remus felt his bones change size, some growing, others shrinking, some getting thicker, some thinner. Remus howled in pain and got on all four, which were changing into paws, sharp claws sprouting, scratching the floor. It took a few minutes until the transformation was complete. Panting through his wolf's snout, Remus lay on the floor and waited until he felt recovered enough to stand up.

Remus looked around, feeling an immense thankfulness to Snape for brewing him the Wolfsbane. Normally, at this time, he would be chained to the wall, howling and trying desperately to break free and to get out and kill. Thanks to Snape's potion, he could enjoy his extended Wolf's senses without being disturbed by his thirst for blood. He could only see black and white, but he could smell and hear so much more.

Sadly he noticed that the bed where Severus Snape and Sirius had slept smelt of fear and despair; but then he should be glad that Snape's condition had improved so much since two days ago.

Remus heard them talking next door, and he could understand every word:

"You turned Animagus for HIM?" Obviously Sirius had just told Snape that they had learned that to be able to be with him at full moon.

"People do things like that for their friends, Severus." Sirius said.

Yes, Remus thought, and Snape's 'friends' had raped him a few days ago. Snape didn't seem to have much experience in true friendship.

"What kind of animal can Pettigrew turn into?" Severus asked.

"A rat."

"How adequate."

Remus grinned inwardly. He had not told his friends, but he had always liked Snape's sarcasm.

Getting on his hinds, Remus opened the door with his front paw and entered the kitchen. The two men were sitting at the table, Sirius looking as if every day a werewolf came into his kitchen. Severus on the other hand watched him warily.

Giggling inwardly with mischief, Remus tapped over to Snape, who drew up his legs onto the couch as if afraid to be bitten.

"Don't you trust your own potion?" Sirius said mockingly.

"I don't trust him." Severus replied. Remus wondered whether he had forgotten that he understood everything they said. Then Remus padded closer until he sat down right in front of Snape. The potion master still looked suspiciously at him. Next to him, Sirius turned into a dog and jumped off the couch, barking loudly. Another advantage of Sirius being an animagus was that Remus, when in wolf's form, could understand his barking.

>>What are you doing?<< Sirius asked.

Remus made a small unsure noise. >>Not sure. I want him to get over his fear of me.<<

>>Wish you luck.<< Sirius barked sarcastically.

Remus gazed back up to Snape. He could smell his fear, knowing that he was thinking about the same moment as Remus, twenty years ago in the shrieking shack. >>I didn't want to kill you.<< Remus silently said. Well, back then he did, but hours later he would have been devastated at

knowing what he'd done. Indeed, he had been devastated when he was told how close he had come to killing another boy.

Remus hopped onto the couch next to Snape, who quickly jumped up, staring at him. Remus sighed and laid down, trying to look as harmless as possible.

Next to Snape, Sirius turned back to human form. "I was just talking to him." Sirius said. "Your potion is working, he is quite reasonable."

"What's he trying to do then?" Snape snarled.

"He wants you to get over your fear." Sirius replied gently.

Snape looked as if he wanted nothing more than run away. Yet he straightened up and slowly walked over to the couch and sat down next to Remus. Remus looked up but didn't move so that he would not scare Snape off.

Sirius sat down at the table and tried to draw Snape into talking about the Al Bundy-episode they had watched this afternoon to take his mind off the werewolf beside him.

Remus did not listen to them, just following his own thoughts. He had almost fallen asleep when Snape carefully reached out his hand and stroked him behind the ears. Remus smiled inwardly. Bet Severus would not do that when Remus was in his human form.

It was a pleasant feeling, so Remus moved closer and closed his eyes. Too bad that he was not a cat; he would have liked to purr now. So Remus just snuggled to Snape, felt him stiffen and waited patiently until Severus relaxed again, and let his fur be ruffled.

***

Sirius sat down on the couch next to Remus when they decided to watch TV. It was a hilarious Muggle production about three witches fighting demons. Even Severus had to laugh about the Muggles' naive picture of magic.

Yet Severus was tired enough to fall asleep before the end of the episode. Not really a surprise, Severus had gone through a lot lately.

Sirius looked fondly at the wizard who slept with his head resting on his shoulder. Remus, too, was fast asleep, with his head on Severus lap. If anyone who knew them from school saw them like that, he certainly wouldn't believe his eyes.

Not tired yet, Sirius watched the next programme, which was about a small blond girl slaying vampires. Amazing, what ideas those Muggles came up with.

It was also no surprise, that after a while Severus started to jerk in his dream, making small frightened noises. Sirius sighed, wondering if Snape would be very angry if he would kill Voldemort himself instead of leaving it to the potions master.

Remus woke up, raising his wolf's head. Sirius met his gaze, seeing the concern in Remus's yellow eyes.

Severus woke up with a start, looking around as if not knowing where he was. He shrieked back another time when he saw the werewolf beside him.

"That's just Remus." Sirius said calmly. "He's harmless, you gave him his Wolfsbane."

Severus was trembling slightly, but sat back on the couch.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Sirius asked.

"No." Snape replied shortly, then looked at the TV. "Did the girls already kill the demon?" he asked.

"Oh yes, and now we're watching a show about a small blonde killing vampires." Sirius replied earnestly.

Snape looked at him as if he was doubting the truth of his words. "Ok, who's that guy?"

"The good-looking one? A vampire who is in love with the Slayer." Sirius answered. Judging from Snape's interested look, he wouldn't be surprised if he would buy a TV when he left.

***

The following two days were similar to the last. Snape was, so to speak, licking his wounds, Remus drinking Wolfsbane and waiting anxiously for the night, and Sirius was just there.

Now that Remus was at home at night, though in Wolf's form, he couldn't help noticing how often Snape, and also Sirius, were having nightmares. It made Remus feel quite helpless, but there was not anything he could do to help them. Maybe it anyway was best to let them help each other.

Or maybe he was already helping by providing a safe quiet place.

Then, one day...

It was the day after full moon, Remus planned on going to work again tomorrow, when Snape suddenly gasped, holding his arm as if in pain.

"Severus?" Sirius asked in concern.

Snape pulled back the sleeves of his robes and stared at a red glowing tattoo on his underarm. Then Remus realised that it was not a tattoo; it was the Dark Mark.

"He's calling." Severus whispered, even paler than usually.

"But..." Sirius hastened towards Snape, looking all worried. Remus slowly stepped closer to them. "You can't go back to him!" Sirius said.

"I have to." Snape replied gloomily.

"But..." Sirius looked searching for support at Remus. Remus shook his head. Snape was right, he could not dare not to come.

"I just wish he'd leave me more time." Severus said surprisingly composed, while Sirius looked at him outright desperate. Remus watched Snape gazing curiously at Sirius. Then, to his surprise, Severus grasped Sirius by the hair, pulled him close and kissed him almost violently. Without a word, Snape stepped back and disapparated.

Remus smiled at the utter confusion on Sirius face. Yet, he also was worried. Who knew whether they'd see Snape alive again.

The End