A Kiss Away

Fanny Adams

Disclaimers - Not my characters, thank god, and if there's any money to be made it's not me who's gonna be making it so let's just not worry about it, okay?

This one is for Paulle, Tami and Kat who all told me how much I'd like this film. They were right.

A Kiss Away
Fanny Adams

Before this last tour, before every fuckin’ morning started to feel like practice for being road kill, and way before I named myself for the one thing that always seemed to work for me, was me and Billy. Before there were razorblades in my blood, Billy and I were brothers, man, we were like fuckin’ Chang and Eng, joined at the mind. I mean we saw everything the same way, the exact fuckin’ same way. There’s nothing else like it. What else could matter beside that? Not Bucky Haight, not fucking Jenifur, that cunt band that was turning Billy into Mister Rockstar.

Before he walked out and left us…

Okay, so before all that we were a team and I figured we could be one again. The others, Jezus, it could have been anyone, any pair of assholes off the street, it didn’t matter so long as Billy and me were back together again, so long as there was that connection. Chang and Eng; we could get there again. But he wouldn’t just come back because he wanted to suck my blood for what he says I did to him.

Like he never wanted it. Like he wasn’t always hot for it even if he pretended he wasn’t. Hey, I was there…. Y’know? I was fucking there, it was me he came to when he wanted it hot, when he wanted it rough and not just some bitch spreading her legs like "Oh Billy fuck me, gimme some rockstar cum." I was the only one angrier than Billy and he knew it. And he fucking loved it. He needed it like a drug. My anger. He loved it. He sucked my anger the way he sucked my dick. So what if that last time he said he didn’t want to anymore? You don’t want to, you don’t toss down a bottle of tequila and pass out in front of someone who wants your ass, baby.

Fuckin’ bitch. Fuckin’ lying whore. And he says it’s my fault? Shit…ya gotta love that in a guy, right?

So I figure out that he’ll come back if it looks like he’s not doing it for himself. But just to make sure, just to be real fuckin’ sure that we don’t both know why he’s coming back, I make it a benefit for Bucky Haight. I know Billy can’t stand being in the same room with the guy, because he’s jealous of Bucky. Man it is so completely fuckin’ perfect I’m creaming myself on the phone with Billy, telling him about Bucky being shot. Right on the spot I make up the amputation thing. I know it’s gonna get to Billy when I say "Man, he’s lost both legs! Right up over the knee; he’ll be in a wheelchair for the rest of his goddamn life, man and you’re fuckin’ hesitating?" I gotta say it was almost better than sex, screwing with Billy’s mind like that. "Can’t you just do something for someone else once in a while?" I ask him.

God, I love making him squirm.

He says yes. We hang up. Something strange, something so deep inside me I don’t know where the fuck it’s coming from. I don’t know what the fuck it is, I don’t. It hurts. Goddamnit, goddamnit…he’s coming back and I should be happy, but I have this deep hurting in me like someone put a long, thin knife through my heart and it’s like one of those pictures of the sacred fucking heart with all the flame and blood and shit. I know the inside of my chest looks like that.

He shows up and sure, we’re gonna dance around a bit, of course we are. He can’t come rushing at me with his arms open and I can’t pretend I care. But I know that when I get him on stage and the music is hot and the fans are screaming for our blood, he’ll come alive to me and it’ll be like every great…goddamn great fuck ever. Making music with him is what it’s about. Feeling that raw power in him, pouring off his body, and spilling down onto the audience where they eat it up. Sometimes I think that if we threw ourselves into the crowd they’d tear us to pieces and eat us. I told that to Billy once and Jezus, the sex was great! It was like…it was like oblivion.

So we’re on the tour and it’s okay between us, but not great, not more than that little "We’re both okay so just don’t push it." thing that happens with people who have been together a long time. My parents used to do that; fuckin’ log jam, lines drawn so hard you can see them, but everybody pretending nothing’s wrong. And then John breaks the news that the Jenifur gig isn’t gonna happen, and I watch Billy falling out of the sky like that guy who flew too close to the sun, falling, falling. Should I try to catch him? Fuck that, let him fall. He’ll be even more grateful for someone to come pick up the pieces, won’t he?

Splat. Total meltdown at Bucky’s farm. I take him there to rub his nose in what he already knows, what he has to know; that I did it to get him back. I told the biggest fucking lie I could think of just to get him back and he came. He lied about why he came, but who the hell cares about that now? I’ve got him. I have fucking got him! A little finesse, a little alcohol and he’s mine, and we’re doing it in the back of the van, telling Pipe to pay attention to the road not us.

He’s so hot for it, so angry it’s like I can’t hurt him enough or him, me y’know? We say things…I don’t even know where they come from, call each other whore and cunt and whatever because it turns us on so much, because I love to see that beautiful face twisted with anger and pain that’s just like my own, just like what I carry around inside of me like the plague. Love the feel of his body hard on mine, cock rubbing against my belly, him promising to fuck my ass so hard I’ll have cum shooting out of my nose, and suddenly it’s funny and we’re both screaming with laughter, naked and ready to fuck and losing it totally because it’s such a joke, man, such a fucking joke. What we do with our dicks is like nothing when we own each other’s soul.

But his is the last move, and I never saw it coming. Never. He stands there on the stage, blood running out of his nose and mouth, and the look on his face is pure triumph because he has fucked me, and we are just over…I never saw it coming, I swear. I thought I owned him, thought I had him back. And for the first time I see Billy as something apart from me and I am fucking scared.

God, it’s cold here. I’d rather be inside, but I’m letting the film crew get me sitting here getting shit-faced because they think it’s good fucking cinema. I know what good fucking cinema is.

I’m ready for my close-up.

END