title: Conversations 1

pairing: Simon/Jayne

rating: NC17

fandom: firefly

archive: sure! just let me know!

series: Subtle, Not! sequel to: Subtle as a Way of Life, Connections, Death of Me, Time- Out

summary: Simon asks a painful question and Jayne answers honestly.

disclaimers: not mine, never will be, not making any money from this.

Warnings: just bad language, which means it should probably be R. oh well. and there's no sex in this one, sorry. *grin*

Conversations 1

By Nancy

"Do you ever think about the future?"

Jayne hated conversations that started like that. Hated them with a passion. "Sure."

Surprised, Simon leaned up on his elbow. "You do?"

"Yep. I think about what kind of future positions we're going to use all the gorram time."

Simon slapped his chest hard enough to sting and exclaimed, with the hint of a smile, "That's not what I meant, and you know it."

With a sigh, Jayne nodded. "Yeah, I know. But Simon, I can't really think about the future. Not with my line of work."

"But, what if you made it to old age," Simon asked. "Or even middle age? What do you want to do?"

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them with, "Take care o'you `n River."

There was a pause as Simon digested his words, then said, "That's it? You don't have any plans of your own that don't involve us?"

Pulling Simon down against him, Jayne locked his arms around the slender shoulders and explained, "I'm a simple man, Simon, and I got four basic needs. To eat. To sleep. To make some money. And to love you. Now, the first three are pretty easy. The last one, though, that one alone makes m'life more complicated than I ever gorram thought it would. Now, I'm not complaining or anything, it's just a fact."

Hiding his face against Jayne's chest, Simon asked, muffled, "Complicated how?"

Jayne chuckled and replied, "Because you attract more trouble than Mal and Zoe put together on Unification Day. You're also fussy, ornery, stubborn, and too damn smart for your own good. Or mine, come to think on it. On top o'that is your crazy sister who still

gets that look in her eye that makes me hide sharp objects."

"She doesn't!" Simon exclaimed.

"Hush boy, I'm talking," Jayne ordered. When Simon subsided with a grumble, Jayne continued, "She does. Not around you, but it happens. Anyhow, what I'm saying here is that because of all that, you require some fierce lookin' after. That's my job and it's what I

want to do. Being a merc helps me do that, keeps me sharp. Problem comes where other people know I'm a merc, and a damn good one, and they're lookin' to prove themselves against me."

Obviously horrified, Simon asked, "You don't do some kind of duel, do you?"

Jayne shrugged and answered, "Highborn ain't the only ones that need to settle disputes in a final fashion. I eliminate threats, Simon. If someone is stupid enough to come up against me, and stupid enough to press me into actually drawin' steel, of any sort, I ain't going to waste time cryin' over them."

While Simon struggled to understand that, Jayne kissed him, long and sweet, distracting him from the all-too-real business of being a mercenary. It only partially worked because, while Simon didn't protest or start jabbering away about it, he was still plainly troubled from the furrow in his brow.

Resettling in the crook of Jayne's arms, Simon asked softly, "Would you walk away from a fight you knew you couldn't win?"

Jayne hesitated. "If I did, I wouldn't be worth anything to Mal or the rest. I'd never be able to protect you, Simon."

Cupping his face to turn it so they looked at each other, Simon pointed out seriously, "You can't protect me if you're dead, either."

And that was why Jayne hated conversations like this. They always ended on a bad fuckin' note. Sighing, he said, "But Mal would."

"I don't want Mal, I want you," Simon whispered, curling tight against him. "Want you with me, always. Please, Jayne, please don't leave me."

"Oh Simon," Jayne breathed, holding him even tighter. "I love you, too, boy. More `n I should, and that's a fact. But I can't promise you that."

Jayne sighed and reached over to flick off the lights, stopping the conversation, at least temporarily. The darkness in their quarters wasn't anything compared to the darkness holding both of their hearts and minds.

END