Was Ben Browder a Gay Porn Star?
By Valdron
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Once again welcome to Philo's Soft Corner...

That is at Philo Bob's General store, the corner with the padded cushions.

I'm Jim Bob Turhok, and these are my bosom companions, Billy Bob Truckstop and Bob Bob Roberts.

How you doing, Jim Bob?

Splendid, Billy Bob.

Good to be here, Jim Bob.

The feeling is mutualized, Bob Bob.... Gennelmen!!! (clears throat) we is gathered here today on this most solum of occolasions to discuss the gay porno career of one Ben Browder, who otherwise goes by the name John Crichton on Farscape. Comments.

I would just like to say, Jim Bob, that jess because a man rotates the tires of another man on the recording medium of their choice, thet don't mean either of them men is of the homersimpson persuasion.

And how do you figure that, Billy Bob?

Et is all acting, is all. Don't got nothing to do with whut he is like in reel life. Heck, anyone might change a spark plug or two, it doesn't mean they're gonna start buying foreign models.

So you're saying that Browder might be operating an entire auto assembly plant on film, but when them cameras stop rolling his true hankering is to get on thet thar riding mower?

I am saying exactly that, Jim Bob.

Whell, we will keep that comment under advertisement. Whut have you got to say Bob Bob? We can always count on you to bring your own brand of mud to the waters.

Whell, Jim Bob, I got to say it is a virtual certainty. We must look at the facts.

Which is?

Browder, he is a california actor, and as we all know, California is the leading center of world hobomexicans.

That it is.

Secondly, he is an actor and it is common knowledge to everyone here at philo's thet any actor is by definition a notorious rhododendron. Why they live to till the fields of persons of adjacent anatomy, if you know what I mean.

I'm not sure I do, Bob Bob, but go on.

And he was a waiter, and waiters are well known for their erecreationalist tenancies.

Whud that include Dogkiller Joe Bob down at the Biker Bar, Bob Bob?

Well, fer every rule there is an exception, and I think that Dogkiller Joe Bob is fitting into that category, and I would surely appreciate not mentioning this conversation to him as I would not like my house burned down this month.

Don't worry, Bob Bob, we got you covered.

In a manly sense that is.

Which is to say, not that sort of manly, but a manly way.

Wait!!! Wuz Browder a waiter?

Well, he wuz an actor and all actors, apart from being homo erectile are also waiters.

Does this mean that all waiters are also actors?

I think that these things all go together like catchers mitts and peanut butter, Jim Bob.

....?

I'm sorry, Bob Bob, while you is making a persuasion case, it is not proven, it is all a matter of inn you end do, ifn you know what I mean.

Well, Jim Bob, I also gotta say that Browder, he has studied his self up good in England. And everyone knows that England is the world center of the onosexual conspiracy.

Hey!!! I thought that was California.

It is.

Well plumb my colon Bob Bob, you has stopped making sense. You keep this up and you will be singing Culture Club songs. How can there possibly be two world capitals of boo-boo- packery.

....

Hold on Gennelmen, I have got a complete list of English Perversities so we can verify this easily enough.

Jim Bob, check thet list.

I'm a checking, Billy Bob. Lessee "Lioncourt's Comprehensive Guide to English Perversions": caning, foot fetishims, toe buggering, cross dressing, budgy jumping, caning, knee licking, elbow tickling, child
photographing, royal worshipping, caning, public schooling, bloomer wearing, picnic bearing.... Gennelmen!!! It appears that the good lord did not destroy sodom and gomorrah as we wuz lead to believe, he has merely relocated it!!!

Praise the lord!!!

Praise the lord!!!

But as much as I am digestulated at the very site of these words squirming and filthying up my eyeballs, I am seeing no sign that rototilling he-man style is an English preversion.

Maybe they couldn't fit it in?

Maybe over there, they is so bad, that it passes for wholesome?

Gennelmen (slams the book shut) be that as it may, we cannot in all conscience attribute an English background to Browder as a source of manly sweat recycling. Bob Bob, your case is, as they say, unproven. Why, you could not lynch a coloured man with grounds like this, unless he was from Russia.

Gennelmen, I have a suggestion...

Thank you Billy Bob, I hope that it is a constructive one, and by that, I mean not constructive in the sense of inserting your leggo into my erector set.

Fear not, Jim Bob, I have brought sophisticated, that is to say, really smart, techno typeology to bear on this problem.

How's that, Billy Bob.

Well, first I have been accumulating all of Ben Browder's film appearances and carefully freeze framing all the shots where his, shall we say, center of gravity, is in the frame.

You got his center of gravity on tape!!! Hoo hee, my momma tole me I couldn't even look at my center of gravity until I was 21 on accounta it would disrupt my physics!!!

Well, it is, as they say, a clothed center of gravity. But by analysing and collating all them shots, and the application of sophies state educative algorithmic program, we is able to come up with a mathemtatical reconstruction of Browder's warp drive engine.

I am most impressed, Billy Bob. How long did all this take?

A mere six months, Jim Bob.

So you was anticipating this discussion?

I likes to be prepared, Jim Bob.

So whats next, once you have isolated Browder's tractor trailor rig, it is interesting and gratifying, but it does not answer our question.

Ah but Jim Bob, my work has a second, that is to say, following portion. I have also accessed the worlds largest that is to say by volume and not throbbingness, collection of pornography of the, shall we say, matching appliance category.

And how did you come by such a collection?

Purely scientific reasons, Bob Bob, and I will shoot any man who says otherwise.

Go on, Billy Bob, I am interested, but in a purely plutonic way.

Yessir, now, if we feed the computer model of Browder's shuttlecraft into the computer, and then run the entire collection of excessively happy hairdresser based porn through, it will tell us if there are any anatomical matches, thus giving us scientifical proof one way or the other.

Billy Bob, my faith in you is justiciable!!! Let us proceed in a forthright manly way.

I am starting the program, Gennelmen...

...

...

Hmmm, thet thar gennelmen in 'Black to the Fubar' he sure look like you, Billy Bob.

That thar, Bob Bob, is what we in the scion typifical community do call a coinkydink or as them godless baptists say, a coincidence.

I see...

...

...

Hmmm, thet thar gennelan in 'Bar Wars: A New Soap' he sure do look like you, Jim Bob.

Like Billy Bob said, it is merely a coinkydink.

Thet is some coinkydink, why that gennelman, he even has the same scar you do from dirt bike riding, and look, he has a tattoo just like yours reading-

SHET YOUR MOUTH BOB BOB!!!!!

...Sorry gennelmen. There sure are a lot of coincidences though.

(swallowing) Yes, there seem to be.

(swallowing) It is downright remarkable... although, I do believe none of us should ever be remarking on this again.

...

...

Whell, that's it. No Browder matches.

I guess that settles it, Ben Browder has not done gay porn.

Hold on Jim Bob, Billy Bob, your logic is fellatious. You cannot disprove a negative. All we can clearly say is that Browder has not done a gay porn that we have seen. We cannot rule it out entirely.

Hey! I just had a thought. Isn't Browder a Carolina boy?

North Carolina, Jim Bob, but thet is close enough. His name is really Ben Bob Browder.

Whell then, this whole discussion, it is moot, and by that I mean pointless in a purely non-biblical sense!!!

How you mean, Jim Bob?

Well, Ben Browder is a fine southron gennelmen, and I think it is clear to us all that no southron gennelmen could possibly eat of a wedding cake with two grooms on it.

You have us there, Jim Bob.

I got to say, thet is irrefutable in its clarity.

Well then, thet matter is settled.

And if a film turns up, in which Mr. Browder is engaging in the manly art of appliance repair?

Thet would jest be a coinkydink sesemblance as you have rightly pointed out happens all the time, Jim Bob.

>From Philo's Soft Corner, this is Jim Bob, Billy Bob and Bob Bob saying... have a good one, but don't have one of mine.