Is Chiana a Hooker?

By Valdron
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Hi, I'm Jim Bob, and this is my pals, Billy Bob and Bob Bob, here at Philo's Soft Corner.

That's at Philo Bob's General store, the corner with the padded seats, ain't that right?

Right you are, Billy Bob. Gennelmen, the topic for today is Chianna. Speficisifilly, whether Chianna is... er....

What Jim Bob is trying to say, folks, is we is here to discuss whether Chianna bites the wax tadpole for negotiable remuneration.

Thank you, Bob Bob. We can always count on you to put it in that certain way you have.

I thank you Jim Bob.

Well, gennelmen, I think the only way to settle this fer sure is to look for proof. Now, I notice thet thar ain't a single scene in Farscape whar she actually cleans the windshield wipers, let alone takes money for it.

Now hold on, I say, hold on Billy Bob, there is thet there scene in Nerve where it sounds suspiciously like she is discussing terms, that is to say financial statements, with that PK commander. He is talking about balancing her books but good for her, and she is responding that while she likes a good audit, she gotta look after her bottom line.

But that don't prove nothing, Bob Bob. You is dumber than than a frog in a slingshot. D'nt you reelize she was jus' playin'. Thet ware a role! She was D&D'ing him, and by thet, I don't mean she was inviting him into her dungeon to wield his staff of light.

Thet point goes to Billy Bob, Gennelmen. Bob Bob, what else you got?

She is blue, Jim Bob, Blue as a Georgia sky after a hurricane!!!

So? I'm, I say, I'm not following you down this creek, Bob Bob. I'm going to wait to see if you'n got yourself a paddle.

Well, Jim Bob, I see it this way. She is blue. Now, you know who else is blue? It is all them hindu gods. You wanna know what them heathen deities do, they for-by-eight on the walls of their temples. That's right, them heathen graven images cannot even get themselves inside their temples before they is going at it like Jazz Musicians at a Mardi Gras. It is cause they are coloured.

Whoa!!! Just stop right there, Bob Bob. I have to remind you of all the trouble we got in over your, interpopiated comments before, and I for one, do not want any more trouble with the SPCA!

I think you're meaning NAACP, Jim Bob.

Them too, Billy Bob.

Let me clear this up, fellers. I am not accusing, by which I mean waving any part of my body in that direction, any terrestrial earth style babe of any colour of any desire whutsoever for the company of the opposing sex in a naked fashion.

Just see that you don't. It is a well known fact that earth type womens have no sexual desire whatsoever. Many have told me so themselves.

Then that's gotta be true, Billy Bob, cause you is a fine specimen of southron manhood.

Thank you Jim Bob, and let me just say that if you was a woman, my baby jesus would rise up for you in a minute.

Why thank you, Billy Bob, and if you was even a mite more feminine, I would let you sermon on my mount, no questions asked.

Well Jim Bob, ifn' ever you wanna sing to my choir...

Gennelmen!!!!!

Oh right, thank you, Bob Bob. Back to topic. I think we can all agree that if there is actual monkey wrangling taking place, us fine Southron Gennelmen will have to go into space to find it.

Thank you. I'm saying it's them space babes that have the hunger to make the sign of the dancing pythons. It's like them Orion Slave Babes. They could not wait to polish Captain Kirk's hood ornaments.

But wait, I say, wait just a minute thar. Them Orion Babes is green. The parts we could see, anyhow.

That is true, Jim Bob, but green is the colour of plants, who I might add are notorious sluts well known for the practices of bee-stiality. And Zhaan is a plant. And Zhaan is blue.

Now just hold on there, Bob Bob. If that were true, we would expect Zhaan, who is as blue as a 57 buick to be a real firehose wrangler, we wuld expect her to be takin' off her clothes fer complete strangers, and looking for afrodisyaks and being all touchy feely all the time and... and... and...

Billy Bob?

Uh, Jim Bob, I'm a going to have to ask you to strike that last statement off the record, as I think my foot has been lodged somewhere it ain't supposed to go.

Done Billy Bob. But Gennelmen, I think we are getting off topic. There be plenty of evidence that Chianna likes to unseal her tupperware, and she has even offered Crichton an opportunity to deliver her groceries. But the question is, will she rearrange the furniture for the cold hard variety.

Whull, I would jest like to point out that her leapoard skin outfit probably don't come cheep. But them women who wear it do.

That there is probably a fake leapoard skin, Bob Bob, and she got so little of it, it must stretch real tight to cover her.

That there is my point, Jim Bob. You think it is easy to get fake leopaord skin on earth? It got to be impossible out thar in space. And from what we have seen of the Knoberry people what she comes from, it don't seem to be part of the, shall i say, standard wardrobe.

Well, I for my part, think that this discussion is speculative and unprovenlike. Has she ever delivered a hummer? Sung the song of the dancing wildebeest? We don't even know that for sure. So how can we say that she has ever chosen to amortize her assets.

You got yourself a point, Billy Bob. We cannot know for sure. But at the same time, thet thar gurl has some unknown hisitory behind her, and I mean possibly in a biblical way. So she may well have pitched a few tents for fun and profit.

Gennelmen, Gennelmen, there is only one way to settle this dispute. AHEM: This is an open message to Chianna, wherever she might be.

My name is Jim Bob Hurok, of the Carolina Jackhammer-Huroks, and I am about the finest example of southron mans hood you are likely to find. Now, we have been wondring like, if you are inclined to the art of currency speculation with various bodily fluids. So let me make you an offer of four billion confederate dollars...

Accept no substitutes!

Thank you, Bob Bob. ...four billion confederate dollars for the congress of an organ of mine, to be disclosed later, and the orificiary of yours mutually beneficial to both.

Ahem... how was that boys?

Jim Bob, you is going to get laid. You are my hero.

Thank you very much. From Philo's Soft Corner, this is Jim Bob, Billy Bob and Bob Bob saying that if you gotta take one, make sure it isn't a wooden one.

Wizer words were never metriculated, Jim Bob.

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The End