Title: Fuzzy Pink Handcuffs

Author: Cristin

Pairing: Male + Female + Muppet

Category: Warped Humour

Rating: Anywhere from high PG-13 to low NC-17. You decide.

Archiving: Just take it, Damnit!

Warning: Don't leave the car running with the garage door closed.

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine... damnit. Really hope that lottery ticket comes through...

By Cristin

They were all in the galley arguing, as usual. Zhaan had not been there for the morning's adventure, and everyone was trying to explain it to her. D'Argo though, seemed exceedingly chipper.

"No Crichton, it was you who let the Warbo out in the first place," D'Argo giggled.

"No big buy, I think it was you who let Mr. Energizer Attack Bunny out for a homicidal killing spree," Crichton retorted.

"At least I, Rygel the XVI, Dominar of all Hyneria, found the handcuffs...."

"Excuse me!!" Crichton interrupted.

"John's right. It was me, not Mr. Short, Grey, and Handsome, that saved the...." Aeryn began.

"Since when do you call my little honeybunch 'John?' And it was I who saved..." D'Argo argued.

"I do *not* call Crichton 'John.' But since when do you call my hunka burin' love 'honeybunch?'" Aeryn retorted

"You too never did grasp the concept of pillow talk..." John murmured under his breath.

"He's mine!" Aeryn screamed.

"No, he's mine!" D'Argo reached for his Qualta Blade.

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!!"

"Mine!!!"

"Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!!!!!"

Zhaan stood up, and placed her hand between the two. "Everyone, please. I want to know what happened today," she spoke, attempting to bring sanity back into the room. "Rygel, baby, why don't you start?

"Yes, well, thank you Zhaan. It all started right after you left the ship. Crichton was being his annoying self as usual. He and Aeryn were blocking the food while they were having another one of their lover's quarrels..."

"We are NOT lovers!!" John and Aeryn cut in simultaneously "Yet today..." John slipped in quietly.

"Don't interrupt your Dominar. As I was saying, Aeryn and Crichton were having a LOVER'S QUARREL," John and Aeryn hid their grins and said nothing, "and I was trying to get some food, when Pilot interrupted us.

'D'Argo is screaming in Maintenance Bay 3,' Pilot told us. 'Perhaps it would be best if someone went to see if anything is amiss?'"

"Luxans scream for only one reason Hynerian... it is has nothing to do with fear or violence," D'Argo grinned saucily. "You should know that by now, Dominar."

"I'm only repeating what Pilot said," Rygel replied, tweaking his earbrows. "In fear for D'Argo's life, I ran gallantly down to the maintenance bay to see what was the problem."

"HA!!" Everyone but Zhaan chortled.

"You should all hold more respect for your sovereign. As I was saying, I raced down to the maintenance bay, only to find D'Argo cowering in a corner..."

"You shall suffer tonight Hynerian...." D'Argo said with husky promise.

"...scared of a small beast in the center of the room. Imagine my terror when I discovered it was a Warbo! Naturally, I called everyone to the maintenance bay.

'We have to find the fuzzy pink handcuffs!!' I told them urgently. Aeryn began to sob..."

"Hynerian...." Aeryn growled.

"...and Crichton started laughing hysterically. He really didn't seem to grasp the seriousness of the situation."

"One day I'll tell you what fuzzy pink handcuffs are used for on Earth - you'd be laughing too," John said, grinning at Aeryn who looked back at him with a saucy little smile on her face.

"STOP INTERRUPTING ME! As I was saying, everyone was going crazy. Except, of course, for me. And, to my complete surprise, Chiana, who had come immediately."

Chiana, who had remained silent up until now, smirked. "I'm so *reliable* . And I *always* come when asked...." she said, winking at, well, everyone.

"I looked at Chiana, and we agreed. No one else would be fit enough to use the handcuffs in their state of mind - especially John and Aeryn."

"And why would that be Spanky?" John said.

"Well, you were so busy looking at each other with bedroom eyes..."

Aeryn and John jumped up, grabbed Rygel, and dragged him out of the room. Several loud noises, muffled screams, and moans were heard before they returned. "I promise to never, ever do it again Master," Rygel murmured demurely. "Not!"

Zhaan managed to restrain John and Aeryn before they took out the whip... again.

"Anyways," Rygel continued, "while everyone else was seemingly... preoccupied... Chiana and I decided to go looking for the handcuffs. And, after searching long and hard, we finally found the handcuffs."

"In Crichton's quarters," Chiana broke in.

"And they were... *broken*!" Rygel sneered.

Aeryn and John blushed scarlet. "That was a *different* pair of handcuffs!"

Zhaan looked slightly surprised. "How did they break?"

"You, uh, don't want to know..." Aeryn said, looking down at floor shamelessly grinning.

"Don't you hate when that happens?," Zhaan said, sighing in sympathy. "Is that all Rygel?"

"No that is *not* all! We still have to tell you about how we had to go an evil Peacekeeper base just to get a new pair... and..."

"You never left Moya, Rygel." D'Argo smirked.

Rygel looked indignant at being found out. "Oh shut up, or I'll find someone else to eat." D'Argo looked scared. "Damn! Oh well.... Why don't I tell my side of the story now, Zhaan, sweetheart?"

Zhaan looked at him with adoration, "Oh anything you say, D'Argo..."

"That's right buddy, you're the next contestant on... The Price issssss Right!" John jumped in, and started doing a little dance.

"Ooh.... do that move again!" Aeryn whistled appreciatively.

"Take it off... take it all off..." Chiana murmured

"Not to interrupt your... hot damn you look good John," D'Argo's mouth fell to the floor.

"And don't I know it!" John preened into his compact, grinning. "Come on! Money? Food Cubes? Crackers? What'll y'all give me for the Full Monty?!?!" John waved his shirt around in the air. "WOOHOO!!"

Zhaan wiped off her drool, and exclaimed "Frell I need some light.... but what happened?"

"Well," D'Argo cleared his throat, and tore his eyes from John's... assets. "As you will all know, the Luxans are the mortal enemy of the Warbo. We have been trying to exterminate them for close to 8,000 cycles, and the only thing found ever to work, was to tie them to a bed with a pair of Fuzzy Pink Handcuffs, and...."

"Wow.... sado-masochistic bunny rabbits!" John squeaked from on top of the table. "Can I play with one??"

"John... uh... dear?" Aeryn nudged him. "Why don't you just play with me instead? Huh? Huuhhh? I WANNA PLAY EVIL PK COMMANDER!!!"

Chiana petted her. "Here baby," she purred, "I'll play if you want later...."

"I was talking, you tralks! The Great War of the Warbos is a very important part of a young Luxan's life! Many a great warrior has lost his life when he has forgotten his Fuzzy Pink Handcuffs...."

"Oh no..." John intoned. "The poor babies lost their handcuffs...."

"DAMNIT JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!!" Everyone stopped and stared at Zhaan as though she had just dropped her robes, which she in fact, had.

Chiana suddenly spoke up in superspeed "TherewasthisWarboanditwastakingovertheshipwehadtofindthesehandcuffsandcaptureit...."

"Chiana, s p e a k m o r e s l o w l y..... We can't understand you," Rygel hiccuped.

"There was this Warbo thing, right? And it was trying to take over the ship, right? And then we had to find these handcuffs, okay? And we found a pair broken in John's room, see? And then we had to find another pair, right? And we found them, okay? There were in D'Argo's room, right? And they were really disgusting. They were completely covered in...." Chiana repeated, sort of.

John covered Chiana's mouth. "Nope, weren't covered in nothing. Not a damn thing. Really. Nope, no-sirree. No essence of John, or D'Argo, or Aeryn. Not covered in a thing."

Chiana licked his hand, and started feeling him up, since he was still *quite* naked.

"Get off! Get off! Mine! MINE!!" Aeryn swatted Chiana's hands away, right as John fell to the floor. "Hey wait? Is he unconscious? Okay then, I guess I'll share...." Chiana grinned evilly as she and Aeryn began to do very evil things to John's body.

"Hey! That's not faaiir!" D'Argo whined. "I wanna play too!!"

Zhaan looked appreciatively up and down John's body, "There's more than enough of *him* to go around...."

Rygel watched the scene in front of him in fascination, and began to stoke his earbrows.

Pilot sat back in his den, watching the show with a bottle of fellip nectar in hand. "Have to love the free show," he told Blue. "I never knew Leviathan hormones could have such and effect on everyone. Damn, I'll have to remember that."

Hours later, when everyone was piled in a heap on the floor, hot, sticky, sweaty, and sedated, Zhaan suddenly sat up and screamed "BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WARBO????"

END