TITLE: "DAMNED IF YOU DON'T"

AUTHOR: Alison M. DOBELL

FANDOM: "Farscape"

PAIRING: JOHN/CHIANA, JOHN/AERYN

RATING: NC-17

STATUS: New.

ARCHIVE: Yes. Just let me know where.

FEEDBACK: Welcomed

The usual disclaimers apply. No infringement of copyright is intended.

"DAMNED IF YOU DON'T"
A "Farscape" story
Written by Alison M. DOBELL
* * * * *

Chiana found him huddled into a ball in the corner of the shower room. At first he was oblivious of her. She hurried over and sat next to him, a hand touching his shoulder to let him know she was there. "Hey, old man. How you doing?"

His voice was hoarse, cracked. He had been crying again. "Not so good Chi, so what's new? What brings you to this crappy part of town?"

She put her head on his shoulder, sharing his pain but for different reasons. "I heard somebody needed me."

That made him look up. She raised her head and looked at him, his cloudy blue eyes startled into a microt of clarity. "You did, huh?"

She did not dare break eye contact with him in case he never raised his head again. "Yeah."

He considered her for a microt. "Nothing you can do, Pip."

Her voice softened slightly. "Says who?"

He was about to answer when she leaned in and kissed him, her hands sliding up around his neck to pull him closer. Startled, it took him a microt to push her back. "What are you doing?"

She did not smile, not this time. Did not try to paint a different picture on her face. Chiana had always loved him, even though deep in her foolish Nebari heart she knew he would never be hers. He had already lost his heart to Aeryn. In the first microt he had set eyes on the haughty Sebacean the human had been lost. Not only to himself but also to her. Now here he was so deep in pain that she could feel and taste it bouncing off the walls wherever she went on Moya. Aeryn had been driving Crichton crazy and Crichton in turn had been driving Chiana to distraction. Whether he knew it or not. True she had D'Argo and yes she really did love the dumb Luxan, but with Crichton she felt something more. Something deeper, more personal and enduring. In some ways more primordial. She also knew that if Crichton had once turned his attentions to her she would have taken him into her heart and never let him go. She would have done anything to keep him, to make him happy, to make him hers until the breath in her body was gone. Now here she was giving away what could not be purchased. Showering him with something he did not want because she saw his need, saw his raw desperation and could only reply in kind.

He felt her lips return to ravish him, slowly coaxing him though he tried to ease her off him without hurting her. Chiana wound herself around him, her hands framing his face as she deepened the kiss. Putting all her feelings into it, her body moulding so effortlessly to his, her hips gyrating so slowly that at first he did not realise what she was doing or that he was responding. Thought she was teasing him, would break away with an embarrassed laugh then apologise and leave him bemused. Just like she had done a hundred times before. But it did not happen. He felt her determination, the want in her body riding slowly up and down his own,
catching him with the inside of her thigh and increasing contact. His breath caught and he found any struggling just increased the rub inside his crotch. <Oh Lord, Chiana, what in Hezmana are you trying to do to me?>

The answer was painfully obvious and as upset as he was in his heart, as hurt as he felt, as empty and distraught as he was, his body was still alive. The moving parts still functioned. He still needed air to breathe, food to sustain him and the needs of his body were blocking out everything else. His thoughts shot to shit. He groaned and felt Chiana slide her tongue in his mouth, lap and caress his tongue then suck it slowly as her hand moved down to his crotch to mirror the rythym. He was aching now, the blood rushing through his ears, heart pumping with rising excitement as he throbbed beneath her touch. She could feel how hard he was as she slid her hand up and down his crotch rubbing him through his leathers while her whole body gyrated against him, egging him on. <Gawd Chiana, this can't be happening...>

Her hands made quick work of his trousers, her tongue dancing with his as her hand slid down to hold him. He groaned again as she touched him, his hips jerking involuntarily as she took him fully in hand and squeezed, now sliding the foreskin up and down in long even strokes that ended with an increase in pressure every time her hand rode up to cradle the cap of his penis. He was flat on his back now, hungrily kissing her face, her neck, her lips. Peeling back her clothes as she deepened her caress and increased the building excitement fired in his loins. Her kisses were urgent, his needy, their hands all over each other, their lips and mouths working each other into a frenzy of sexual excitement. He could hardly breathe now, but what did he need air for anyway? Chiana brought him so close then urged him to work his fingers inside her until she was making his hand numb with the pressure of riding hard against him, head flung back as she came closer and closer to orgasm. Just before she was about to come she slowed his hand with difficulty, unable to speak she was that close. She wanted him inside her, even if this was the only time it would ever happen between them. He knew, complied willingly and allowed her to thrust herself onto him with such force that he shuddered as her moist walls gripped him inside her, both coming almost in the same microt, the explosion a percussive wave of merging fluids which carried them both on the wings of a rapture so complete not even thought could cling to it. Yet Chiana clung, wrapping her legs right around his waist and encouraging him to thrust as deep as he could, again and again her hips rising up to meet him and slide up and down his adamantine rod while he flooded her with sensations that rocked her core and ripped away every inhibition he had.

Afterwards he lay in the warm circle of her arms. Shattered but at peace for the first time in weekens. Chiana stroked his damp hair, kissed every square microdench of his face, loved him and held him as if he was infinitely precious to her. He spoke slowly, his voice husky and making her heart do little backflips as she listened to him. For this microt. This one precious microt he was hers.

"Chi, I'm sorry, we shouldn't have....*I* shouldn't have...."

"Ssshhh," Her soft hushing stilled his protests. She kissed his throat, adored him with the gentle motion of her hands, soothing him with lips that were never still but so gentle that their touch hardly stirred her breath against his damp skin. He sighed. Deep. Content. So sated that it
momentarily blocked his confusion that she was doing this at all. He did not want to think, to feel, to remember, to live even but Chiana had changed all that. She had made him feel again, on the most basic level a man could feel. As Rygel would have put it, *with his mivonks*. Right now that was alright, hell it was more than alright. For the first time in a long time he felt as if he would get through this day. Impossibly the youngest of Moya's crew had shown the greatest wisdom, using sex to force a release of tension and a renewal of the lifeforce that had been leaking away from him ever since Aeryn had left aboard Talyn with his other self. This would not heal anything, not alter all the myriad problems that still faced them but it was a start. He wanted to laugh, it seemed such an absurd answer and certainly one that Aeryn would rip his head off his shoulders for if she ever found out.

He sighed again, deeper this time. Starting to feel a great weariness settle over him. He was vaguely aware of Chiana gently stroking him with warm pulses of her tongue, her hands running over him so lightly, her kisses feather light and drifting over his skin with a memory of unearthly
paradise. He wanted to thank her, to apologise, to struggle with his feelings about what they had just done but she told him it did not matter. For now she wanted to love him and he needed to be loved. She roused him gently, guided him and loved him so tenderly. Drinking in his sweat, his heartache, the need inside that had been breaking him apart. She loved it all. Asked nothing in return except that he accept her love. Just this once. After all, he was damned if he did and damned if he didn't. He sighed as he kissed her and felt the curve of her lips lay languid ghosts to rest as she smiled into his mouth. Only when she had brought him to a slow gut-wrenching orgasm did she urge him to go to sleep. He did not need her to tell him again. As he drifted off her tongue washed him, so slowly and lovingly as if she did not want to stop. She felt him soften so sweetly in her mouth, her eyes flicking up to watch the tension ease from his face as she gently sucked and caressed him. Her tongue gently sliding between the soft creases of his flaccid penis. As she settled between his legs and worked, her hands brushed up the inside of his legs, taking pleasure in touching him and caressing him as he slept. Not wanting to disturb him but hoping to fill his dreams with something other than nightmares.

It no longer hurt her to look at him. A stir of satisfaction swelled within her as she carefully moved up his body to touch his face, brush her lips one last time against his slack mouth still fresh with the flavour of him on her shining lips. Then she covered him with her body to gently warm him while he slept.

* * * * *

Aeryn was filthy. Working up to her armpits in Moya's amnexus fluid was not her favourite past time but Moya needed the leaks fixed and the DRDs could not operate below water. D'Argo switched off the equipment and gave her a happy if dirty smile. Both of them needed a good scrubbing to be clean again but the manual labour felt good and it helped to ease some of the
tension.

"Thank you, Aeryn."

She nodded, the perspiration making her skin shine and adding a gloss to the oil and grime. "I suggest we both take a shower."

D'Argo raised his eyebrows hopefully. Aeryn laughed, surprised by his expression and threw a torque spanner at him. "In your dreams, Luxan!"

"How do you know what I dream about, Aeryn?" He rumbled, deftly catching the spanner without taking his eyes off her. He had forgotten what a beautiful laugh she had, he saw it so rarely.

As if realising she had let down her guard Aeryn became solemn. D'Argo missed that flash of warmth. Would have worked five years in a nogelti mine without pay to see her smile again. "Aeryn..."

"I don't want to talk about it, D'Argo."

"I know but remember I am your friend. Losing one John is bad enough, I don't want to lose the other."

She fixed him with a keen glance. "What do you mean?"

His voice was soft, a deep rumble that told her he knew. "You know."

She fell silent and D'Argo made no move to leave the duct. She could not exit without him moving to one side to allow her to squeeze passed. She thought about the one thing she kept trying to forget. The pain trapping her like a caged animal and flaying her skin to the bone every time a stray thought set her memories in motion. "It hurts, D'Argo."

He did not pretend he did not understand. "I know."

She remembered that he had lost his one love, Lo'lann. Perhaps he understood after all. "I can't stand to see him, D'Argo. I know it's awful, I know I'm being cruel but I can't help it."

"It's called self preservation Aeryn and it's nothing to be ashamed of. You are hurting, in pain, unable to cope with the emotions ravaging your heart and mind but it is natural. It is not his fault. Not yours. To be any different at this time would be to live a lie."

Tears ran silent down her sorrowing face. "How do you know me so well?"

He smiled softly and tilted his head a little, a huge hand rising to gently wipe away the tears. "We care for you Aeryn. *I* care for you. I also care about John. I don't want to see either of you hurt, especially by each other."

She shook her head a little. "You ask too much."

"I ask nothing."

She looked at him and swallowed, trying to hold back the floodgates of emotion swamping her heart. "I don't know how to do this, D'Argo." Her voice trembled. "I've never loved - really loved - anyone before. I never knew it could hurt like this."

"When I lost Lo'lann I was so angry. I wanted to kill everyone who had ever done her any harm. I wanted to rip Macton apart, tear Crais into tiny little strips of weeping flesh and feed them to a Grilnark. For the longest time I never thought I could be whole again."

Her voice became very soft, so quiet he could only just make out the words. "And are you whole now?"

He shook his great head. "No, but I have learned to carry the past with me not lock it out. The memories are my treasure trove, Aeryn, and they are precious to me. Gifts that cannot be stolen."

He took out the crystal he carried next to his hearts and activated it. Aeryn watched the image of his family gently revolve and felt the tears in his eyes match the daggers of pain in her heart.

"I'm sorry for reminding you, D'Argo."

D'Argo put the crystal back. "I am not. Lo'lann is precious to me, she always will be Aeryn. Do not regret what you have had and spoil what remains. Learn from my mistakes. Do not repeat them with mistakes of your own."

"Mistakes?"

He nodded, a fleeting pain spasming across his face. "Jothee."

She nodded. "I'll try but it's so hard..."

"I know and it will get harder the longer we stay in this frelling duct."

Aeryn smiled and got ready to leave. "Thank you, D'Argo."

"I did nothing."

"Yes, you did. You were there for me even if I didn't know it."

"We are *all* there for you, Aeryn. If you wish to thank me remember
that."

She nodded, his emphasis on the word *all* not lost on her. He was including Crichton. What the yotz was she going to do about him?

* * * * *

He awoke alone. Back in his cell. Wondering if it had all been some weird erotic dream. <I'm losing it, Dad. Big time> He stretched and found he felt more rested that he had in a long time. In fact for the first time in solar days he felt hungry. Famished even. The thought of food did not make him want to throw up. He got up, washed and just finished dressing when Zhaan popped her head through the doorway. She was pleasantly surprised to see him up and about and looking refreshed.

"Hey, Zhaan!"

She smiled at him. "You managed to sleep?"

He scratched the back of his head and looked away from her for a microt. Deciding not to tell her that he had not taken any of the sleeping draught she had prepared for him. Then he stopped himself. <Woah, a microt. Rewind> If he had not taken the draught how did he get back to his room? Where was Chiana? And why the hell did he feel so damn good? He realised that Zhaan was watching him, patiently waiting for an answer.

"Um, yeah Zhaan. I had the best sleep I've had in weekens."

Her face lit up into such a beautiful expression of joy that he could not help smiling back at her. "Was I *that* bad?"

Humour danced across the contours of her lovely face. "Worse."

He flinched. That sobered him up. "I guess I put everybody through the mill, huh?"

"You were not yourself, John."

"No. No, I am not going there Zhaan. Not doing that whole *not my fault* routine. No excuses."

She looked at the firm set of his jaw and marvelled at his human resilience. Just when she thought he had reached breaking point and would surely snap he would come bouncing back and confound them all. She inclined her head in agreement. Reluctant for any word of implied criticism to pass her lips. He nodded.

"I thought so. I'm sorry Zhaan."

"We were worried about you."

"I know and I appreciate it." He broke off for a microt. "What about Aeryn?"

She would not meet his eyes. Her hands became restless things giving away her anxiety. Gently he took her hands in his and looked at her. "Hey. It's okay Zhaan and you're not telling tales out of school. I know there are no quick fixes. Maybe Aeryn will come to accept my being here and maybe she won't but I'm not going anywhere."

He was touched to see unshed tears brighten her eyes. He raised his right hand and cradled her cheek then rested his forehead against hers. The action steadied them both. "We'll get through this, Zhaan, I promise."

"I hope you are right, John." <I hope your promise does not come back to haunt you>

He could not hear what she was thinking but the same thought was going through his mind.

* * * * *

Rygel was in the mess hall eating when Crichton appeared. He was so surprised to see him he froze and forgot all about the diminishing pile of food cubes on his plate. Crichton raised a hand in greeting as he walked passed him to get some food. "Hi, Rygel. Leave anything for me?"

The Dominar smiled, happy to see the human looking better than he had done for weekens. When he did not reply Crichton looked back at him. "What's up, Fluffy? You never seen a human eat before?"

"I....ah...um...I...." He could not form words. It was stupid, but suddenly the air in his lungs would not circulate. Crichton realised something was wrong and hurried over to him just as Chiana and D'Argo came into the canteen.

Chiana looked amused as Crichton went behind the Dominar and picked him up in a bear hug. D'Argo frowned. "What are you doing?"

"It's okay D'Argo, I think some food cubes went down the wrong way."

He flexed his arms squashing Rygel's diaphram and forcing out all the air. He gasped and began to breathe normally again. Crichton carefully settled him back into his thronesled as Aeryn and Zhaan appeared. Crichton looked at Rygel anxiously. "You okay now, Buckwheat?"

"Of course. Thank you for your assistance."

"What's the matter with Rygel?"

Crichton replied automatically before realising that it was the first time Aeryn had spoken to him. "Food went down the wrong way."

She smiled. <Oh God, Dad, she's smiling!> "I didn't think there was a *wrong* way for a Hynerian. After all, they are all stomachs."

"No we are not!" Said Rygel indignantly, secretly pleased to be the reason the two of them were talking.

Crichton chuckled lightly, a small sound but one they had not heard for so long that everyone but Aeryn held their collective breaths. If the two of them noticed they did not show any sign. "I think you hurt his feelings, Aeryn."

"Impossible!" She said crisply. "Hynerians don't have feelings."

"Yes we do!" Said Rygel.

But nobody was listening to him now and D'Argo, Zhaan and Chiana were making quietly for the door. Taking the hint Rygel picked up his plate and followed them out. Aeryn looked down at the plate Crichton was piling with food cubes. "Are you intending to eat all those yourself?"

"Depends on how nice you are to me."

She raised her eyebrows as he stuffed a food cube in his mouth, surprised to find him gently teasing her. Almost like old times. The thought hurt and it showed on her face. She saw his expression reflect her pain, a sorrow awakening that could destroy them both. She remembered D'Argo's words and swallowed, pushing back the temptation to turn her back on him. He was here. She was here. And the memories she had shared with the other John would be with her forever. Precious. A treasure trove no one could ever steal from her. This John needed her too. "I hope you aren't expecting me to beg?"

His eyes widened slightly but he bit back the flippant remark on the tip of his tongue. He held the plate out to her like a peace offering and slowly sat at a table. Aeryn took a foodcube and sat down opposite him. A tentative smile hovering on her lips as if trying it on for size. A peace
offering? She liked the idea of that.

* * * * *
END PART 2