TITLE: "EQUILIBRIUM"

AUTHOR: Alison M. DOBELL

FANDOM: "Farscape"

PAIRING: JOHN/CHIANA

RATING: PG-13

STATUS: New. FINALE in the "Hearts in Chaos" series.

ARCHIVE: Yes. Just let me know where.

FEEDBACK: Welcomed

SERIES/SEQUEL: SEQUEL to "SEEING THE LIGHT".

The usual disclaimers apply. No infringement of copyright is intended.

"EQUILIBRIUM"
A "Farcape" story
Written by Alison M. DOBELL

Aeryn found it hard to move as if her muscles were no longer responding to impulses from her brain. What the yotz was the matter with her? Thinking became an exercise in determinatation and stamina as each thought had to be squeezed out of her mind with incredible effort. By the time she had strung several of them together she was tired out and slipped back into unconsciousness. When at last her strength began to return she opened her eyes to see Crichton looking straight back at her. The shock of seeing him sitting in a chair next to her bed almost blotted out the sea of faces crowded into Zhaan's apothecary. She noticed one cheek was swollen and there were what looked like burn marks on his face but otherwise he looked well. Her throat constricted painfully, memories trading glancing blows with the tears forming in her eyes. She had missed him so much but realised he was not for her any more than she was for him. Why did she have to ruin everything she touched? Hurt everyone she loved? And she had hurt him most of all.

Chiana stood just behind him, D'Argo on the other side with Stark and Nerri smiling at her from the head of the bed. She blinked back tears. "What happened?"

D'Argo smiled gently, moving over so the Hynerian could get close enough to see her. The only one missing was Zhaan. "You ingested some of the alien organism."

Aeryn made a face then panic siezed her. D'Argo hurried on to reassure her. "It is alright, Aeryn. Stark used his light to clense you."

"Stark?" Her surprise was comical. Crichton watched her look for Stark, her eyes focusing on him with such an intense gaze that he thought the former Banik slave would leave. Instead he smiled slowly back at her, his look so calm and gentle that it made him proud.

"You are free, Aeryn."

She blinked hard. "Free?"

How much that one word meant to her now. Chiana patted her shoulder. "Hey, you were right? You know?"

She looked puzzled. "About what?"

Crichton tried to smile but it hurt too much so he satisfied himself with a happy mumble. "About the baby."

Aeryn grinned. D'Argo looked suspiciously at Crichton from the other side of Aeryn's bed. "What is wrong with your face?"

"Nothing." Mumbled Crichton trying to tilt his face so D'Argo would not be able to see the extent of the swelling.

D'Argo started to move around the bed. "You have toothache, don't you?"

Panic flashed in Crichton's eyes. Chiana looked at Nerri. Her brother smiled and intervened. "No, Ka D'Argo, just bruising from a fight with Scorpius."

D'Argo calmed down immediately. "Oh. Sorry."

Aeryn looked from one to the other, baffled. "Scorpius?"

"Yeah." Chiana patted her again as if she were one of the children. It was starting to really get on Aeryn's nerves. Best behaviour or not she was tempted to throttle the girl. Chiana did not notice. "While we were trying to figure out the best way to save you and the Sebacean colonists our favourite nightmare turned up."

Aeryn looked at Crichton, not flinching from the sight of him now. Her look seemed to be asking him if he was alright. How he was bearing up. Needing to know he was okay.

"We beat him, Aeryn." He mumbled quietly.

Chiana touched his arm and he turned and gave her a look of such love that Aeryn felt her heart ache but funnily enough not with pain. The familiar stab of jealousy had been replaced with relief. He was whole, he had survived so much and now he had a family who would love him as he needed to be loved. A family he could endow with his generous heart. She could have given him the *things* but not the emotions that went with them. It was not within her gift. She had come a long way, still had a long way to go, and she *did* love him in her way. Always would. Just not in the way that was the quest of the human soul. So now she smiled at them both and this time she meant it. After a quarter arn of general conversation Stark urged everyone to let Aeryn get some rest. One by one they started to leave. As Chiana and Crichton turned to go Aeryn raised a hand to touch Chiana's sleeve. They paused and let the others file out. Lingering behind. Aeryn looked at Chiana. "I am glad about the baby, Chiana."

Chiana beamed with joy. Aeryn rarely gave her compliments, hardly even deigned to notice her unless she did something wrong or accidentally annoyed the volatile Sebacean. Now she was practically glowing in the tiniest spark of goodwill from Aeryn. The Sebacean swallowed when she saw it and felt shamed that she had not been more generous to Chiana before. "I'm glad you and John are happy and I think you make a great mother."

Tears welled up in the Nebari's eyes and Aeryn felt a stab of irritation. "Don't you dare cry, Chiana!" She said sternly. Crichton watched with awe as Aeryn wiped her own face. The two women then looked at each other and laughed. He shook his head gently. He would *never* understand women. After all the things he had seen, witnessed, been a part of, the strangest
most alien thing of all was definitely the female of the species. ANY species. After cycles of rivalry and tiptoing around each other, the two women had finally made their peace.

"We'll let you get some rest now, Aeryn." Said Chiana softly.

Aeryn looked at Crichton. "I need to talk to you, John."

"Later. Sleep now."

She shook her head. "No. There is only now, John. All our laters become could have beens."

Chiana started to frown but Aeryn smiled at her. "It's okay, Chiana. I need to speak to John alone, clear up a few things so we can leave all the dren behind us. Trust me. Most of it is mine."

That made her smile and chuckle. She nodded and surprised Aeryn by kissing her lightly on the forehead. It made Aeryn feel about six cycles old but she did not complain. "I'll go and check on the children."

Aeryn nodded her thanks and Crichton squeezed Chiana's hand, his eyes saying thank you for him. Once they were alone Aeryn looked at him for some time before speaking. "I really made a mess of things, didn't I?"

He started to shake his head.

"No, I know I did but it's alright John. I know who I am now and where I'm going. I've finally sorted out my feelings and yes, I love you. As a friend. I need space, I need to be whatever I want when I want. I can't handle your human emotions because it sparks off things in me that push the self destruct button. If you were Sebacean it would be different. Not because of our genetic make up John but because of the way we think. Feel. React to each other. We would only be happy in patches, the rest of the time we would be slowly driving each other fahrbot. Love would just become another weapon in our arsenal. I can see that now." She paused. "I understand and it's finally alright, I actually feel better coming to terms with how I feel."

Crichton reached out and took her hand in his. His expression thoughtful, gentle. So much in that look that she marvelled at how complex this simple human could be. Constantly surprising her with his wisdom. "I made mistakes too Aeryn." He said quietly. "You weren't one of them, I need you to know that. But I was so intent on trying to get you to love me the way I wanted you to love me that I didn't pay attention to letting you find your own way. I pushed, I cajoled, I teased, I kept putting you in emotional corners you had no way out of. You did not have the emotional skills and I used mine to try to get what I wanted." He paused a microt. She held her breath. "I'm sorry, Aeryn. I fell for your beauty, your mix of alien glamour and the illusion of looking so damn human. I tried to mould the way you felt, the way you thought, so you could occupy my universe."

They just looked at each other for a while, each ruminating on all the things they had shared, the incidents that littered their frantic lives aboard Moya with more angst than most people faced in a whole lifetime. It was a sobering journey. Crichton tilted his head and the movement reminded Aeryn of Chiana. She smiled and waited to hear what else he would say. "You know Aeryn there is a saying we have on earth. The bird and the fish may fall in love but where do they build their nest?"

She frowned. What the yotz was a bird? She knew what a fish was because Crichton had explained the meaning of the word on Aquarra.

"A bird is an earth animal with feathered wings, it flies through the air and builds its' home in the branches of a tree. A fish as you know is aquatic, swims in the water. Air and water, Aeryn. You and me."

She smiled at his explanation then looked at him hard. "You *do* have toothache, don't you?"

Mischief danced in his eyes. "Yeah, but if you tell D'Argo I may have to kill you."

"You'd never get away with it."

He chuckled. "Oh I don't know, I'd just say some slimeball got you."

* * * * *

True to his promise, when the Peace Keeper Command Carrier was several StarBursts away from Rydex the control collar on Scorpius's neck clicked open. With a mix of relief and fury he threw it off him and glared at Lt Braca. Wisely, his second in command stayed silent. He watched his Commander fume then rant, pacing the command deck before flopping thoughtfully into his red chair. A calm descended over him. He looked over to where the collar had landed. "Pass me the collar, Lt."

Lt Braca quickly picked it up and handed it to him. Scorpius turned it over in his hands looking carefully at it from every angle as if it held some secret other than the infliction of pain. "The planet Rydex, Lt. You were there, tell me about it."

"It is a disgusting swamp of a planet. Small, insignificant and miserable. We found no sentient lifeforms. What dren exists on that squag hole should be fired into the nearest sun!"

Scorpius smiled thinly at the Lt's barely disguised hatred of the place. The smile vanished. "Why is it so important to Crichton?" He wondered aloud.

"It probably reminds him of his home, sir." He scathed with heavy sarcasm.

"I think not, Lt." He paused a microt. "Consider. He was free of me. I did not know where he was. I have not known for five cycles. Then he is spotted taking his module down to that *insignificant squag hole*. Risks capture by us, then turns up with three Nebari Capital Ships and delivers an ultimatum. Does any of this make sense to you, Lt?"

"Nothing Crichton does makes sense to me, sir."

Scorpius smiled and gave a tiny nod, conceding the pooint. "And yet I confess to being curious. What is on that planet that is so important he would risk his life to protect it from us? And why are the Nebari interested?"

Lt Braca was silent. He did not like the way his Commander's thoughts were turning.

"Lt Braca, take us back to Rydex. I want to find out what he is hiding from us if I have to tear the planet apart with my bare hands."

His second in command nodded crisply and went to change the course of the Carrier. Annoyed with Crichton. Fearful of Scorpius. And with a deep rooted feeling in his gut that going back would be a mistake.

* * * * *

Stark was leaving. Crichton did not want him to go but the others accepted his pronouncement. Aeryn thanked him for his help, Chiana hugged him. She felt a strange bond with him, if only because of everything he had done for Crichton. D'Argo wished him well and Rygel managed a grudging goodbye of his own. Stark then went to see Pilot and thank him and Moya. When he went to the landing bay to board his craft he was not surprised to find Crichton waiting for him. No one else was there. He had not expected them to be but he was touched to see the human.

"Stark, you don't have to go. You could..."

Stark smiled gently. "No, my friend. It is time for me to move on. As *you* have done."

The meaning was not lost on Crichton. "I have so much to thank you and Zhaan for."

"You are welcome and Zhaan already knows, John. You carry a piece of her inside you."

"I was meaning to ask you about that."

"Zhaan will always be there when you need her." Whispered Stark in a soft voice. "As will I."

He could not speak. So many emotions welling up in him.

"I am curious about one thing though, my friend."

"What's that?"

"Scorpius."

"What about him?"

"Why didn't you kill him when you had the chance?"

For a moment Crichton said nothing. So many memories, so much pain, suffering, loss, grief. The road had been a long one. A hard path to walk but he had done it. It was friends like Stark that had kept him sane. He owed him an honest answer at the very least. "I can't kill him, Stark."

Stark said nothing. He waited.

"He did something to me. When he had that damn neural clone wired into my brain it was fused with some kind of command code which effectively stops me from harming him. Don't ask me how it works. I can rant and rave, hell I can get in a physical fight with him, I just can't give the coupe de grace. So I had to find another way to pay him back."

Stark watched his solemn face break into a slow smile, interrupted by a sudden spasm of pain. Crichton winced and cradled his swollen cheek in one hand.

"You should do something about that tooth."

"I will, Stark, I promise. I'm going up to Nerri's ship once I see you off. His people will remove the tooth - the *right* tooth this time - using that well known earth novelty, pain killers."

"How are you intending to pay back Scorpius?"

"I made a stipulation for the removal of his control collar, that he not go anywhere near Rydex. Effectively told him it was off limits to him and all his little Peace Keeper friends."

Stark raised his eyebrows. "What is on Rydex?"

Crichton chuckled. "Mud, rock, filthy water and the expended waste of a thousand worlds."

"It is a waste planet?" Asked Stark in surprise.

"Oh yeah, dumping ground of the Uncharted Territories Stark and it looks and smells like it."

"Scorpius will not be fooled for a microt, John."

Crichton laughed. "Oh he'll suspect a set up, Stark, but I've taken care of that. Nerri and his people have planted a biotransmitter deep inside one of the caves. The cave will mask its' signature, make accurate scans impossible. They'll spend weekens, monens - hezamana, they could spend CYCLES tearing that planet apart and never find it!" He had tears in his eyes as he kept laughing, the motion setting off his tooth again and plying his humour with agony.

"Get the tooth fixed, John." Said Stark.

Crichton nodded. "Take care, my friend. Come back and see us some time and give my love to Zhaan."

Stark nodded and the two men embraced. For a moment Crichton just wanted to stay there in the warmth and safety of his friend's arms, the presence of Zhaan suddenly so strong in his heart and mind that he wanted to cling to Stark and keep him with him always. But he knew he could not do that. They each had their own paths to walk. With luck those paths would cross and recross again and again...

* * * * *
end