TITLE: "CHAIN OF TEARS"

AUTHOR: Alison M. DOBELL

FANDOM: "Farscape"

PAIRING: John/Aeryn

RATING: NC-17

STATUS: New.

ARCHIVE: Yes. Just let me know where.

FEEDBACK: Welcomed

SERIES/SEQUEL: No. Standalone.

The usual disclaimers apply. No infringement of copyright is intended.

"CHAIN OF TEARS"
A "Farscape" story
Written by Alison M. DOBELL
* * * * *

I did not mean to push him away, really I didn't. It's just so much easier to react as if it doesn't mean anything. As if *he* doesn't mean anything. And he does. Too much for me to admit. Too much to let him know. I see the pain accrue in his eyes. A pain he tries to hide behind humour,
behind the meaningless babble that masks his drowning eyes. I put that hurt there. Took his innocence and used it as a weapon against him. Wounding him deeper than I knew. More than anyone has a right to feel. Why? Why do I keep pushing him away when I am keening for him so deep inside? Why do these strange emotions scare me so much so that I lash out and hurt the one I need the most? He is talking. Again I do not listen. Knowing many of his references will mean nothing to me I do not listen for the ones that will. He falls silent. Does he know? Can I let him suspect? I look up and our eyes meet.

"Aeryn...I....I'm sorry if I upset you...I...just....I just wanted..."

His words trail off, floundering. The pieces he would give me, broken. Lost.

"You just what?" I snap out.

I almost recoil at the lash of pain that hits him with my words. Another wound. He flinches, swallows, bows his head slightly. "Nothing, Aeryn......uh.....forget I said anything."

He goes and I let him. *I let him*. How masochistic is that? I can see the hurt in him as he walks away, trying to hide it from me. Not wanting me to know how much it defeats him. Eating away at his spirit a cruel mouthful at a time until it threatens to consume him. The sadness. The
sorrow. The emptiness. The pain. I gave him these. They are bitter gifts but for now they are all I have to give.

* * * * *

Boy, did I ever screw that up. I can't believe the stupid things I said. No wonder she looked at me as if I was some dren she had stepped in. Why can't I just come right out and say what's in my heart? Why does everything have to be like the "Krypton Factor" or that stupid Japanese game "Endurance"? Why all the pain and no gain? I feel as if I only open my mouth to change feet. I don't know how to reach her. How to show her the feelings I have without scaring her away. Maybe she's just not interested and I'm too thick and too dumb to see it. Unwilling to accept the truth before my eyes because I don't think my heart could take it. So I walk away
like the coward I am. Make lame excuses, anything, to retreat and lick my wounds in private.

She loved Velorek. Wanted Larraq. Got stuck with me.

Back in my quarters I put my head in my hands. Tears like bright pieces of shrapnel scrape my eyes. I pass away my sleep cycle like that then wash my face, try to make it look like I've slept. As if there's a peace in me that isn't there. That I'll never hold in my heart again. So I fake
it. Like I've been faking it for so long now.

D'Argo looks at me as I take over watch in command. A cool look that seems to check my soul before he takes his leave. I think he is about to say something but whether something in my eyes warns him off or he just gives up I don't know. Whatever the reason I am grateful he just nods and goes. A true friend if ever there was one.

* * * * *

I wish I could do something. Say something. But I can't. Chiana warned me but I didn't see it for the longest time. Hezmana. What am I going to do with those two? He looks like he hasn't slept in weekens. Like dren. I wanted to say something. Offer to take his watch, let him go back to sleep. Yet when I looked into his eyes I realised an unpalatable truth. He would
not have slept, just tortured himself with a pain of the heart I cannot heal. I am not the one he should be talking to. Not the one he should be with. At least on command he has the illusion of doing something. Being useful. I sigh and make my way to my quarters, at a loss to know how to help my friend.

Chiana is sleeping. For a microt or two I am content to watch her. Happy in the thoughts she inspires in my hearts, the joy of all that we have found together. She is a rare mix of child and ancient wisdom. A woman in so many ways yet so naive in others. She sees things I do not.
Instructs me when I would lumber into situations that a monen ago would have blown up in
my face. Now I tread with more care, my eyes able to take in more details. To watch, to listen and to finally understand. She gave me these gifts and I treasure them. As I treasure her. I smile and sit carefully upon the bed beside her. A hand gently describing the outline of her sleeping
form. Her face so relaxed and peaceful as she sleeps, her frenetic energy reined in dreams that I can never know. I just hope I can share them with her. Some day.

She stirs and as her eyes open with liquid light, I kiss her gently on the lips. See my love reflected in her sleepy eyes. The smile that graces her lips and touches my hearts. I want this for me. I want this for John. For Aeryn. A tear touches my cheek. Chiana senses my sadness and
cradles my face in her hands. Wide awake now. Such knowing that I do not need to speak. She kisses me back and we slowly make love. The cares, the sorrows of the solar day, fall from me yet their mark leaves an echo in my eyes. An echo she sees and knows too well for me to hide. She lies in the circle of my arms, her touch light and thoughtful. Her eyes seeing more than I want her to see.

"It's John isn't it? You're worried about him?"

I cannot lie. "Yes. And Aeryn."

Chiana smiles sadly, I hug her closer. So dear to me I would make her my own.

"Maybe you should just tell him."

"Tell him?"

"Yeah, you know. Tell him."

"Chiana, John is not me. I do not wish to hurt him."

She half sat up at that remark. Her hand stroking my chin, soothing my troubled hearts. "Like he's not hurting now?" She says softly.

I know she has deep feelings for John. He is like a brother to her. Protected her from our rage when she first joined us. Stuck up for her when we would have set her adrift. Now I cannot imagine my presence on Moya without her. How much things can change.

"Yes," I say as I pull her down for another kiss. "Hurt him."

She sighs against me and I start to drift. Her head resting against my chest, my hearts beating with deep content to have her near. Another sigh and sleep finds me. I do not need to dream for mine lie in the circle of my two arms.

* * * * *

Chaina could not sleep. Wide awake now and sad. She looked at D'Argo, not raising her head, but tilting it so she could get a view of his face. She was worried about John. Was angry with Aeryn. At times she hated the Sebacean for hurting him. For being so dense. So afraid of opening her heart to the human when anyone with half a brain cell could see that he was
in love with her. Had probably fallen the moment his eyes had set light upon her raven beauty. The only one who did not know was Aeryn. She looked at D'Argo, watching him sleep with a gentle smile on her face. Sat up carefully, not wanting to disturb him, her hand stroking his hair gently. She cared about him so deeply. A rare and precious thing. But John. The strange gentle human. She loved him. Wasn't sure how it had happened but it was true. If he had flashed his blue eyes at her instead of Aeryn she would not have hesitated. Not for a microt. Even now her heart would beat to his song if he would only sing for her. But his heart belonged to Aeryn. Even if she chose to throw it away. Chiana bit back a soft sigh, her eyes becoming dark liquid pools where the tears threatened. She would give Aeryn a little longer. For his sake. Then. If she didn't do something about it, she would take a pulse rifle to the stubborn Sebacean's head and pull the pleeking trigger. The vehemence of her thought made her smile. She wouldn't
do that, of course she wouldn't. But it was a nice little fantasy.She lay her head back down on D'Argo's chest. Her thoughts as she drifted off, pacing the command deck.

* * * * *

Dominar Rygel XVI was hungry. No sooner had he finished filling his third stomach than the first one had woken up demanding sustenance. He grumbled as he angled his thronesled in a swift slalam to the mess hall. He had been having such good dreams. Erotic and full of cavorting
figures racing to do his bidding as was only right and proper. He was surprised to see Aeryn sitting at a table. She was staring off into space, literally thousands of metras away. What in Hezmana was she doing up? Spying on him? But no. She was not even looking in his direction. Did not seem aware of his presence. A tendril of concern slid across his mind. Was she sickening for something?

"Aeryn?"

No reaction. Rygel piled a plate with food cubes and sat opposite her, thinking eye contact would break the death stare but she looked right through him. He surpressed a shudder. "Aeryn! What the yotz is the matter with you?"

Aeryn shook herself out of her reverie and gradually realised Rygel was talking to her. "What was that? What did you say Rygel?"

"I said, what the yotz is the matter with you?"

She sighed, dragged a hand over her face. "Nothing, just couldn't sleep."

Rygel munched on a food cube, not convinced. "How long is this going to go on for?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Crichton. John."

She straightened as if stung. "What about him?"

The Dominar sighed heavily, as if he was having to explain something any child of three cycles would know. "Why don't you just tell the plaking renki how you feel? You should know that in the lesser species you have to spell it out for them. They're far too simple to work it out for
themselves."

Aeryn bristled. "What are you talking about? I just came to get something to eat."

Rygel pointedly looked at the empty space on the table in front of her. No food cubes. No empty plate. No tell tale crumbs. "Yes and I'm a Troncan shrill singer! Just tell the human and we can all get some peace around here."

She glared at him but before she could say exactly what she'd like to do with him and his food cubes John walked in. For a moment he just froze. A look of some satisfaction stole across the Dominar's face but catching the threat of serious bodily harm on Aeryn's face he quickly grabbed his plate and started to beat a hasty retreat. "I think I will take these back to my
room..."

* * * * *

He did not know what to do. Had no idea why he had gone into the Mess Hall except that he had run out of space for pacing up and down in command. He was so on edge, so wired, and if he did not do something to relieve the stress he would snap. Now here he was, facing his numero uno problem and he was speechless. Incapable even of moving forward or back. Crap. Of all the people he should run into right now it had to be her.

Aeryn looked at him in shock. He looked terrible. Eyes red rimmed and sunken. Skin pale as if he had seen a ghost. She saw the pain and weariness in his eyes and felt a stab of guilt. He turned to walk out again, "I...I'll come back later."

Aeryn moved to block his exit. He frowned slightly at her, wondering why she bothered.

"Don't go."

He was sure he had not heard that right. Was the Miss Pissant Aeryn Sun asking him to stay? In the same room as him? Nah. Those translator microbes must be acting up again.

When he did not react she reached out a worried hand and touched his chest. His eyes gave her a quizzical look. Not understanding. All the breath in her body had evaporated. She could not breathe. He could not move. As if set in stone they stared at each other. At last he managed to
get his mouth to work. Sort of. But it was not an exact science. "Um...Aeryn...I...um..." His voice trailed off with nowhere to go. What the hell had he been going to say? Just looking at her was breaking his heart but he couldn't look away. <God, I can't take much more of this crap> Aeryn didn't want him and that was all there was to it. He should get over it. But he couldn't.

Her hand seemed to move of its' own volition, rising from his chest to touch his cheek. He closed his eyes. The pain was killing him. Her beautiful touch crucifying him. His heart ached. His body floundered, weak and boneless. A tear broke free and slid down his cheek.

Aeryn froze, watched his face, saw the pain dance daggers of light in the depths of his beautiful eyes. The blue cloudy with pain. Saw them close as if in self defence. His only armour against her. The single tear freed her of movement, her heart lurching, hesitation shot away in a microt.
Realisation making her want to heal all the hurt, all the sorrow she had put him through. The agony of daring to love her. She leaned in to him, her soft lips gently touching his. Electricity tingling along their lips touched him like an electric shock. He could not bear to open his eyes, to see the look in her own. Pity not love staring back at him. He could not bear it. The tears multiplied and Aeryn kissed them. Every one. To free him from this chain of tears. She pulled back and watched the struggle on his face, the tremors vibrating through her fingers where she touched him. Her heart cracking. Why wouldn't he open his eyes? She needed to see his eyes, to make contact with his soul, to know that he forgave her. Nothing else mattered.

She stroked his cheek gently. "John?"

He trembled. Wished she would just....go. But she didn't go. He felt her stroke his face, her lips caress his lips more urgently, her hands now sliding up around his neck to draw him near. Man, he could not stand this torture. If she didn't love him why the hell wouldn't she leave him alone?
His eyes open warily, ready to accuse her, to stand firm against the ridicule in her dark eyes. But there was no ridicule. Just eyes dark and lost and pain filled matching his own, sorrowing and sorry. He opened his mouth to speak, wonder creeping like a prayer of hope into his eyes.
Tentative, and scared of messing it up. The first step on a rocky road.

"Aeryn?"

She smiled. "I'm sorry."

He was confused. Aeryn never apologised for anything. "What for?"

"For the things I said. The things I *didn*t say."

He spent a microt taking that in. She kissed him again, her lips parting so that she could flick out gently with her tongue to seek a response.

"Um...what things, Aeryn?"

She took the opening and inserted her tongue in his mouth. Little exploratory pulses tasting him and urging him to respond. To open up to her.

Man, he wasn't strong enough for this. Could deny her nothing. His hunger for her broke and suddenly they were clawing at each, the kiss deepening with their desperation and sparking off emotions kept behind walls of steel for too long. His body filled with the fire and the need for her. His lips worshipping her, his heart scattered at the touch of her hand, the whisper she gave up to express her need for him as her tongue sang his name with a breathy passion. This frightened, emotional tide that burst like a damn in her and could no longer be denied. Her words stormed his ears, broke down what little resistance he had.

She had no recollection of how they got to her room, or when they had removed each others clothes. All she knew was that she wanted him and only him and she wanted him *now*. Moya could fall into the maw of a gas giant for all she cared, just so long as this one sweet precious microt in time was not denied them. She felt the heat pool between her legs, the rhythm of her
heart racing as she deep throated him. Her hands everywhere, touching, caressing, exploring with delicious intent. Loving how he responded to her touch, the way he moved so sensuously against her as if she had somehow known it would always be like this. He could not believe he was holding her in his arms. That she was the equal of his passion. They were the alpha and the
omega, the closed circle of life joining in a union that breathed fire in his loins and made her cry for him as she devoured his sweet touch. She slid her hand down and found his shaft throbbing hard and hot against her moist warmth, a smile of possession gracing her lips. Her hands drifting
back up to guide his to her breasts, before returning to caress him and luxuriate in the feel of his blood pulsing hot and strong beneath the flexing rhythm of her fingertips. His breath was catching as he licked and nipped her breast, sucking and flicking her nipple up against the clamour of his teeth, his fingers teasing the other nipple into rigid awakening as he rolled the nub between his fingers. Her body rubbing up against his in needy response urging him on.

He felt as if he were dying. She drew him so deeply inside her, excited him so much with her touch, her tongue delving into his ear, warm, wet and moist. The pulsing rhythm of her tongue matched by strong hips riding him as her thighs gripped him tight against her urging him to thrust deeper and deeper, harder and harder to quench her passion. She could not get enough of him, wanting him touching every inch of her with his sex, her ribbed walls gripping his penis and drawing him in deep, the undulating walls flexing and squeezing him so hard that he could barely hang on let alone breathe. Wanting to bring her orgasm into collision with his own but he was
losing it. His thoughts fragmented and exploding as he approached his climax, his fingers dipping into her sex to increase the tempo and bring her to coitus. She flung back her head, the stimulation increasing as his fingers picked up speed and she rocked hard against him. Her cries of passion echoing in his ears like the waves beating on a storm ravaged shore. She was his ocean, he was her rocks, together they crashed in waves that carried every feeling exploding into sensations that swamped them as they came. He rocked inside her and she clung to him, drawing every last drop of passion from his release until spent and sated they collapsed against each other.

They lay there for many microts. Hot, sweaty, deliriously happy. She stirred softly against him, a hand gently tracing her passion in the shining surface of his sweat. She loved the way he glistened, like a jewel saturated from love making. He rolled on to his back with Aeryn on top of him, a hand around her waist to keep them close, the other brushing back the dark curtain
of hair that hid her from his loving eyes. He was surprised to see tears in them. His heart ached. "Hon, don't cry. I'm sorry, sunshine..." His voice broke.

She smiled through the tears, anxious to reassure him that her tears were of joy. Of happiness. And most of all of love. She bathed in the wonder in his eyes as her words slowly sank in. The hope of his heart made manifest was almost too much for him to take in. "You really love me?" He whispered in slow awe.

She laughed, her voice merry with a joy he had not heard in her before. It was a light musical sound that his ears would never tire of. It made his heart flip over. Made him feel humble and moved to tears.

"Yes, I love you. I think I always have..."

He kissed her gently, his disbelieving eyes slowly acknowleging her truth. "Oh Aeryn, I have loved you for so long...."

A mischievous look danced in her eyes as he papered her with kisses. "I know."

He paused. "You knew?"

She nodded, not caring that she had torn down all her defences for him. Not caring that she now had nowhere left to hide. He knew and she was glad of it. "Now," She said when he had caught his breath. "I believe we have many monens to catch up on..."

His eyes widened, then she dipped her head and suckled a nipple. His smile was jerked off his face when she nipped him. Hard. At the surprise on his face she laughed, deep and throaty and so very sexy that he forgot she had bitten him. Pulled her down into his arms as she started to kiss him more roughly. "Now," She said. "*This* is the Peace Keeper way..."

"The Peace Keeper way?" He mumbled, his mouth full as his kisses deepened, his hands already knowing what she wanted.

"Uh hm," She paused then broke away from his kiss, sliding down his chest to take him in her mouth. He went to raise her back up to him, to tell her she did not need to do that but she shook her head. He lay back at her urging and watched her face, his fingers brushing through the silk of her hair so that he could see her more clearly. He watched the joy in her eyes as she started to suck on him, his shaft quickly hardening with desire for her again, filling her mouth as the tissues of the muscle engorged with blood. He sucked in a sharp breath as she flicked the sensitive head with her tongue, a groan easing up out of his throat as his shaft throbbed hot and heavy between her moist lips. As she teased her teeth under his cap and varied the suction, the head slowly started to leak precum. Her tongue licking across the slit of the sensitive head to taste him to the full as she carefully built up the sensations that were slowly driving him crazy. She did not want him to come too soon.

"Oh God, Aeryn..." He sighed, his body trembling out of his control. "What the hezmana are you doing to me sunshine?"

"Sssh, John. Didn't you know, Peace Keepers don't take prisoners?"

He opened his mouth to say something but her actions made him jerk. He closed his eyes. Her hand caressing the delicate sacs of his testicles while she licked, sucked and drew on him gently with her teeth. Slowing everything down so she could draw out the sensations. Enjoying the control she had over him, the opportunity to thank him for all the times he had loved her when she had been either unable or unwilling to love him back. She could feel him throbbing in her mouth as he continued to leak, getting so close now. Making his hips jerk as she squeezed and fondled his testicles, learning how much pressure to apply to increase the feeling without quite killing him. He took a breast in his mouth, his other hand working contently, eyes closing in
bliss. She waited until she had lulled him into a false sense of security. Her gentle suction giving him an easy rhythm to work to before she increased her pressure on him, her hand sliding his foreskin up and down his shaft picking up speed until his control was completely in tatters, then
taking him back in her mouth to finish him off. The groan from his throat deepened her smile as he came. The force of his ejaculation like a fountain in her mouth. She drank down his sweet juices, the milky cum a flavour that was new to her but coated her throat with the taste of him as she swallowed. His moans and sighs made her happy and encouraged her to milk every last drop out of him. She took her time licking him clean afterwards, knowing how sensitive he was.
Loving the way the pressure of her tongue made him jerk as she lapped at him. When she was done to her satisfaction she crawled up his body and kissed him all the way up. He trembled, his eyes so full of love that she thought she would drown in them. If she had ever doubted how much he loved her, she did not doubt now.

* * * * *

Zhaan was surprised to find Rygel in command. She had gone looking for John. "Where is John?"

Rygel cleared his throat, an oddly content look on his face. "I believe he is with Aeryn."

She narrowed her eyes slightly. Suspicious. "What are you doing here?"

"Taking my watch."

"But this is John's watch. He relieved D'Argo."

"Well I'm relieving him."

She shook her head and started to walk out of command. Rygel's words stopped her. They were softer than usual, but every word carried straight to her heart. "I wouldn't disturb them if I were you, Zhaan. Not unless you wish to undo the last few monens..."

She looked at him with disbelief. "Surely you don't mean....?"

Rygel was smiling. "That's exactly what I do mean, Zhaan, and if you ruin it I will never forgive your blue ass."

A smile broke out on her face. "I wouldn't dream of ruining anything."

He grumped and faced the front again, as if dismissing her. Zhaan stepped up to him, grabbed him and gave him an unexpected kiss before he could escape. She ignored his splutters as she stepped back. Her face happy and serene. "Thank you, Rygel. From all of us."


********** T H E E N D **********