Work Text:
Title: - Broken smile
Author: - Katt
Rating: - FRT
Feedback: - Like it or loathe it let me know
Archive: - Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive
Disclaimer: - I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX. The song "She Will Be Loved" is performed by Maroon 5 and was written by A Levine and J Valentine.
Broken Smile
"Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else
I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved."
Danny stood at the back of the squad room trying very hard to blend into the background. She seemed to be succeeding since people hurried past her seemingly completely oblivious to her presence, which suited her just fine. She was waiting for Julien to get a quick shower and a change of clothes. The drunk they'd brought in for aggressive begging had waited until Julien had hauled him out of the back of the patrol car before he'd puked all over him. While sympathetic, having been puked on more than a few times during her career, the look on Julien's face had been priceless, even now Danny felt the corners of her mouth turning up in a smile. Once they'd booked the beggar she'd made it perfectly clear that she wasn't gonna sit in the car with Julien while he stank of vomit, so here she was waiting for him to wash away the smell.
At least the projectile vomiting had stopped Julien from throwing those worried looks in her direction. He'd given up asking her what was wrong when she'd nearly bitten his head off, and had told him in no uncertain terms to keep his nose out of her business. She felt a little pang of guilt for the hurt look that had briefly passed over his face at her words. However, Danny knew it wasn't something she could discuss with him, she didn't think he'd really understand, she wasn't sure she totally understood it herself.
It had been a gradual process really, a gnawing emptiness that had crept up on her. She'd always been popular, at school she'd had plenty of friends, plenty of boyfriends, she'd gone to all the "right" parties, she'd had fun. As she'd moved through her twenties the fun had continued. She'd had relationships, nothing serious; but that had suited her just fine after all she'd had her career to think about. There'd been plenty of "bad boys" for her to have a good time with. Danny had always liked to walk the line; she'd always liked her men to have a dangerous edge to them. It made her feel more alive, daring, a little wild. As she'd entered her thirties nothing much had changed. Inside she'd still felt eighteen, like she had all the time in the world. She'd had her ill-fated fling with Vic - now there was a "bad boy"! It had been strictly no-strings, just sex, and she'd convinced herself that was fine, she'd convinced herself that was all she wanted. However, she'd gradually found it unsatisfying. It left her unfulfilled, and had only served to emphasis the feeling deep within her that maybe she really didn't have all the time in the world after all.
Her old friends from high school were mostly married with kids, a couple married and divorced it was true, but somehow Danny had found herself envying them. She never wanted to do the whole domesticated, Stepford-wife thing, but now... Maybe it was time she acknowledged to herself that she wasn't eighteen anymore, and that time was passing her by. Perhaps it was time she started looking at the "nice guys" instead. Without meaning to she found her gaze wandering across the room until it settled on Dutch.
"Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while
And she will be loved
She will be loved"
He didn't have to look up to know that she was watching him, he could feel the gaze of those clear blue eyes on him like a sixth sense. He'd seen her leaning against the wall, quickly drinking in every line of her body, from the curve of her cheek to the long tapering length of her legs. He'd quickly glanced away not wanting her to catch him looking, but not before he'd committed every detail to his memory. Now he felt her eyes upon him and Dutch was unable to suppress the slight shiver that ran down his spine at that thought.
He knew that people laughed at him behind his back for his feelings for Danny. He knew they thought he didn't have a chance, that he wasn't good enough for her --- and he knew they were right, but he couldn't help himself. He'd been attracted to her from the first time he'd seen her, and he'd hoped that maybe... However, that hope had been crushed when he'd seen Mackey with her at her house. He could still remember the pain that had caused, not a cataclysmic agony, more a short sharp fracture of something deep inside.
After that he'd tried to be strictly professional. He'd tried to view Danny as a colleague and nothing else, and for a long time he'd fooled himself into thinking he'd been successful. She'd even helped with a case, they'd worked well together, and he'd managed to keep his distance. It had come of something of a shock then when she'd made the first move, leaning in to kiss him. He'd been completely taken off guard, confused and conflicted. He'd sounded like a flustered schoolboy as he'd mumbled about Kim and had distanced himself from her. Of course he couldn't have cheated on Kim, but it had been his chance and he'd let it slip through his fingers. Well at least that's what he'd thought for a while until he'd realised that Danny hadn't been attracted to him, not really. She'd been happy, on a bit of a high, and had projected her feelings onto him because he'd helped her that day, that was all. When he'd realised that he'd tried to convince himself otherwise, but hadn't been able to keep up the pretense, not matter how much he'd wanted to.
Danny was out of his league. Guys like him never got women like her. No, macho assholes like Vic Mackey always swaggered in and swept them off their feet with some smooth talk and empty promises. If he was lucky Dutch knew the best he could hope for was to be her friend, but if that was all he could get he knew he'd settle for it. It would be better than nothing, and at least that way he'd see her smile directed at him sometimes.
Still though he could feel her eyes on him. He was tempted to turn around, meet her gaze, but then the image of catching her looking at him with pity flashed through his mind, and he merely hunched over his paperwork a little more and tried not to feel the sinking feeling that image provided him with.
"I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye"
Yep no doubt about it Dutch was a nice guy. Danny felt a slight blush colour her face as she thought about the time she'd tried to kiss him. She'd known that he had a crush on her, the poor guy's longing looks had been rather obvious, so she'd been somewhat surprised when he'd pulled away from her, spluttering about his girlfriend and looking embarrassed. Yep he was a nice guy, despite the fact she'd been offering him exactly what he'd wanted for so long he'd turned her down because he was already in a relationship. When she thought about it Vic's cavalier attitude towards his marriage vows looked very shabby, she didn't like to look too closely at her role in his infidelity.
There were other things she knew about Dutch, or at least suspected. Darker things from his past that she didn't think even Claudette knew about. The night she'd found him waiting on her doorstep full of apologies about his behaviour still crossed her mind sometimes. Not the stuttered out, sincere apology he'd given her, or even the laughter they'd shared over those grilled cheese sandwiches. The words that echoed in her mind were a little innocuous really, but their hidden meaning was ominous... "When I was a kid...". Suddenly Dutch's drive to catch Sally's killer had taken on a personal slant, the sadness she caught sight of in his eyes sometimes took on a meaning that made her shudder. What had she done when she'd realised that Dutch carried a darkness deep inside of him? Nothing. She'd turned away from him and never mentioned it again. She'd been scared, not wanting to become involved in what could become an emotionally draining situation.
Danny didn't feel particularly proud of herself for that, especially after Dutch had been so supportive of her when she'd lost her job. He'd been one of the few people from the precinct who'd kept in touch with her after she'd been fired, even Julien, her partner, had begun to avoid her. Dutch had never believed she'd been to blame for Armadillo's death, he'd supported her and had even approached Aceveda to help her get her job back. He'd been a true friend.
Danny sighed wondering where her train of thought was heading. Was she really considering Dutch as a boyfriend? Well even if she was it was a pretty pointless thought, as far as she knew he was still involved with Kim, and she'd had ample proof that he wasn't the type to cheat. Besides she didn't want to be "the other woman" anymore anyway. If she was being honest with herself she wasn't sure what she really wanted. Maybe she was having a mid-life crisis she thought to herself with a snort.
"You okay there?" Julien's concerned voice shook her out of her reverie.
Pulling herself upright Danny turned to him and plastered a smile on her face. It felt a little false, and reminded her of the plastic smiles Dutch sometimes wore, and she felt it fade. Clearing her voice Danny replied,
"Yeah, yeah fine. How about you?"
Julien scowled and brushed his hands down over his clean uniform,
"Yeah I'm finally feeling clean. Vanessa isn't gonna be too pleased when I bring that uniform home tonight."
"Well that's the one of the joys of the job. Come on lets get back out there."
Following Julien out towards the car park Danny couldn't resist one last glance across at Dutch, and wondered if maybe, just maybe, she'd missed out on something wonderful and fulfilling.