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2020-11-04
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Darkness and Dreams

Summary:

Summary: Severus says goodbye
Disclaimer: Harry Potter, Severus Snape and all associated characters from the Harry Potter universe are the property of J.K. Rowling. The author of this fic and the website maintainers are making no profit by this story or any of the site's contents.
Word Count: 1198
Beta: Thank you eventheodd for all your time and great advice

Work Text:

Darkness and Dreams
by jhgoddess

 

Harry took one look at the headmaster's face and knew it was over. The man who had taken him as an apprenticed and worked so diligently with; was the only man, he realized, he wanted to spend his life with. Professor Severus Snape was gone.

The headmaster offered a chair to his once pupil and gave him a scroll, sealed with the potion master's crest. Tears clouded Harry's eyes as he read the majestic swirls of Professor Snape's hand.

 

Harry,

As you know, I've never been one to express my feelings well, but after all we've been through, I believe you deserve to know why I've left and for this reason, I will not return. I once heard a Muggle song that I've never forgotten. I'm writing it here to help me express what otherwise I would be unable to.

 

New blood joins this Earth
And quickly he's subdued
To constant pain disgrace
The young boy learns their rules

From the day I was born, my family and high expectations of me. As early as I can remember I was forced to learn about power, control, and all means of attaining `their' goals. I quickly learned that if I were to survive my childhood, I would follow through on everything they wanted. I would obey and bring honor to them, or be killed.

 

With time the child draws in
This whipping boy does wrong
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man struggles on and on he's known

After a short time, I realized that what I may have wanted for my life would never come to pass. I had tried on a few occasions to express what I dreamed for my future before the whip and voice of my father corrected my thought of there being any choice in the matter. I slowly realized I could only depend on myself and I would follow orders, as my life was not mine to lead.

A vow unto his own
That never from this day
His will they'll take away

No matter how hard I tried to keep my desires and dreams deep within my soul, I couldn't help losing pieces of them, slowly, day by day.

I promised myself I would change when it was safe to do so, that I wouldn't become the monster my father tried so desperately tocreate.

What I've felt
What I've shown
Never shined through in what I've shown

I hid everything away, never expressing my heart to anyone again. I played my part well. No one knew there was ever more inside of me, dying to be released.

 

Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub thee Unforgiven

My life was filled with darkness and it soon took over my soul. Many times I wondered what would have happened if I had run away and renounced my family line, but I chose to hold on to the darkness and let it embrace me. It grabbed hold of my soul and it would never let go. I will never forgive myself for giving in and becoming what I most dreaded, yet again, I had no choice but to hold on, for it was my survival, my life.

 

They dedicate their lives
To running all of his
He tries to please them all
This bitter man he is

I then joined the dark lord, feeling he was the only possible entity my soul could connect with. He, like my father, made all my choices for me. He took over my life and threatened what was left of my soul if I chose to displease him. I fell deeper into despair. I came back to Hogwarts and begged Professor Dumbledore to help me. He was like the father I never had, and always wanted. He helped me search again for my dreams before he too asked more of my soul. I was given the choice of spying for the Order or hiding on my own. I knew Albus' intentions were honorable, but he was now another person directing the course of my life. I continued to follow a path that was not my dream.

 

Throughout his life the same
He's battled constantly
This fight he cannot win
A tired man they see no longer cares
The old man then prepares
To die regretfully
That old man there is me

For the next 20 years I continued living two lives, neither of them the one I had dreamed of. I can't go on like this. If I don't do this now, I'll never have the strength to turn from the darkness.

There is a small shimmering light, barely lingering deep within me and I want to expand it. If I don't find what I'm searching for, I will fully become my father's creation. I would rather die. You have shown me friendship, kindness, understanding and compassion. You've sparked hope in a man whose life had become black and empty.

 

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shine through in what I've shown

I've grown accustomed to your smile and I cherish the time we've spent though I know I've never so much as thanked you properly. You have given me the strength to finally search out my dream. There is no one standing in my way. You have given the wizarding world freedom from the dark lord; and for me, freedom from anyone's control or influence. For this, I do thank you Harry.

 

Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been

I know in many circles I will always be viewed a Death Eater; by some, just the greasy git who tortured his students. I wish we could have known each other under different circumstances, but that wasn't the case.

 

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shine through in what I've shown

I've cared deeply for you and wish you all the happiness in life.

Make your dreams a reality. Don't waste them as I have. I believe you may also have feelings for me. Please, do no waste your time on a greasy Death Eater who could never deserve someone as wonderful and full of love and compassion. You deserve the best in life Harry, and I truly hope you find it.

 

Never free
Never me
So I dub thee Unforgiven

The darkness will always loom above me. I don't deserve much after the life I've lived and the lives I've taken; the way I
treated so many children through the years, and especially the way I treated you. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I don't deserve any. I only want to thank you for helping me find a portion of my soul and giving me hope. You have helped me keep a promised I made long ago to myself. No one will control me again.

May you live in happiness and freedom. Remember and achieve your dreams; never let them go.

S.S.

 

Harry looked at the headmaster, wiping at the tears staining his cheeks, "But Severus was my dream."

 

end