Work Text:
Faith Gives Us Sight
by Ladeevix
The feelings all swarmed around him. The loss, the pain the anger. Her death was on his hands. Okay so he hadn't outright killed her. The disease had killed her, but he felt no less responsible. Dr. Connor put him in charge. `You've been with these patients from the beginning, you know their status better than anyone, you make the decision.' It cut, he knew Connor was right, but it still hurt. His mind flashed back to the labored breathing, the dark patches on her beautiful twenty-six year old face as her body struggled for each breath. She didn't blame him, she told him that. Told him she was ready to die and that she understood the reasons for not giving her the drug. She was too far-gone, best to save the savable ones. A trooper, brave, young and beautiful. She had been a light in the darkness that had taken over the small Virginia town. And now that light was gone.
His mind raced as he fought back the tears he wanted so desperately to shed. His heart ached in his chest, his sides clenching at the thought of actually crying. He was Miles McCabe, Dr. Miles McCabe and he had to learn to separate those emotions from his work. But her death was so useless, so very useless and he wanted to weep for her. Connor would chastise him he knew it. Had to push those emotions down, be sterile and rigid like Connor himself. He took another swig of the beer in his hand and made a face as the warm liquid fizzed in his throat. Pushing himself from the floor he tossed it into the sink and snagged another from the fridge. The lid went sailing through the air and landed in the trashcan. `Two points.' He tried to smile. It didn't work.
The knock at the door was soft, so soft in fact that it wasn't until it was accompanied by a voice that he actually walked toward it. The next knock was louder, this time the voice was too and he almost recognized it. A glance at his watch told him it was after two am. Who would come by at this hour? The knock again.
"Miles, I know you're home."
Miles pulled open the door and blinked several times to clear his vision. "Dr. Connor?"
"We're not a work, you can call me Stephen." Miles just stared. "Can I come in?"
"Why?"
"I wanted to talk to you."
Miles thought about it a moment and the vision of him punching Connor in the nose made him smile. "Sure." He stepped aside and let the older man in, closing the door and locking it behind them.
"I was worried about you."
"Me?"
"Yes, when we landed you seemed very distant. I wanted to come earlier but this was the first chance I got. I'm sorry about the hour."
"Sokay, I'm not sleeping."
"I see that." Miles looked away as Connor stared at him. "Do you have another one of those?"
"Maybe."
Connor sighed. "Miles I know you're upset about Lilith..."
"No. You don't get to say her name. I killed her, me. I get to...say..." the tears stung his eyes and he swallowed hard, keeping them down.
"Miles."
No..no..no. He was too close. He'd see. Miles turned his head and walked away from Connor. "What?"
"What I said this afternoon, what happened. You have to understand it was necessary. We had to do it that way, you know that."
"So."
"I also said something. Miles." Miles didn't resist when Connor gripped his arms and turned him back around. "It's okay to feel it, you have to sometimes, just let it out. Don't keep it bottled up inside." Miles met his eyes. "You can let it out."
"Why?" Miles tore away from him half stumbling across the footstool. "So you can laugh at me? Poor little Miles, can't handle being a doctor, not grown up enough..." He said down hard on the couch and brought his knees up, wrapping his arms around them. "Not good enough....never good enough."
"Miles." Connor sat down beside him. "You're a good doctor, you know that. This decision was hard, I put it on your because you had to know it was the right one. Blame me if you want to..."
"Maybe I do." Miles looked up at him, the tears streaking down his cheeks. "Maybe I want to hurt you." Connor spread out his hands. "What?"
"Go ahead, if you think it'll help. Hit me."
"And get fired."
"No, we're not a work. Civilians, just us. Anything that happens tonight goes no further than this room. I promise you."
"Right"
"I'm serious. Beat the shit out of me, if that'll make you feel better."
Miles was up now, Connor right in front of him. His fists clenched and Connor just stood there. Even, solid. "Do you ever feel anything?" Connor's eyes slid closed for a moment and Miles thought he had touched a spot somewhere, but when the clear blue eyes opened he was level again. Damn the man, why didn't he feel anything? He'd make him. Miles reared back and swung with his right fist, landing on Connor's chin, snapping his head to the side. He went down on the couch and it took a minute before he looked back up at Miles. "Feel that?" A slight nod but he stood up again. "What, you want more?"
"Are you done?"
"Maybe."
"Spanish flu, Miles."
"What?"
"Spanish flu killed Lilith, not me and not you." Miles slapped him hard. "She was a sweet girl but you can't emotionally involved." Another slap. "You're a good doctor and your bedside manner is admirable, but you have to think with your head not your dick." Another slap. "You can't save them all." Another slap, this time weaker and Miles felt his heart crumbling. "I'm here for you, what ever you need."
It fell away, his tough guy act. His heart ached for Lilith and all the others that died during that time, but she had been special. Touched him, maybe that was it, touch. His hand, his heart, with her smile and kindness. It had been so long since anyone had just held him. He melted. Caught in the strong arms and brought down into the couch cushions, the tears started then and he was cradled against the strong chest, his hair wiped from his eyes, words of comfort said and heard. He cried.
Somehow he'd fallen asleep. The first thing he realized was that he was warm and his ear was nestled against someone firm, the breathing even, and heartbeat steady. His head jerked up then, realization setting in. He was in the arms of someone alive and oh so warm. Dr. Connor blinked a couple of times and cleared his throat and Miles grew stiff and just laid there. He gasped when a knee that was between his legs shifted, rubbing against his erection. Okay it was bad enough he was there in Connor's arms, he noted the bruise very visible on Connor's chin and now he had a hard on, that one he wouldn't live down. He laid his head back down pretending to be asleep and waited to see what Connor would do.
"Everything okay?"
Miles looked up as the subtle tones put him at ease. "I don't know."
"You got some sleep."
"Did you?"
"Little, been watching you."
Miles blushed and shifted his body. Bad mistake his left knee bumped against Connor erection and the older man gasped too. "Oh God."
"I'm sorry."
"No, I am. This is...awkward."
"Yeah, it is."
"Why are we, lying here like this?"
"You were crying, I was holding you, comforting you. We ended up...like this." Connor brought his left hand up and caressed the back of Miles' head.
"Uhhh, little problem."
Connor smiled. "I don't think it's little."
This time it was Miles' turn to groan as Connor shifted, bringing him flat on top, their clothed erections coming into contact. "So ahhh. What are we suppose to do about this?"
"What do you want to do?"
"You said anything that happened here tonight, stayed here, right?"
"Yeah, I did."
"Good." Miles slid up and pressed his lips against the blonde's making him jump in surprise. He broke off the kiss and leaned up on his elbow. "I'm sorry about that." As gently as he could he caressed the bruise on Connor's chin.
"I'm not. It made you feel better."
"Is that important to you?"
"Of course."
"Show me." Miles ground his hips down into Connor's forcing their cocks together.
"I don't think sex will show you how important your feelings are to me."
"But we have this little problem." He rubbed against Connor, enjoying the sight of the older man tossing his head back in pleasure. Strong hands gripped head and pulled him in for a kiss. This time heated, passionate and very demanding. When they parted, Connor just stared in his eyes. "What's wrong?"
"I'm still married."
It burned and he crawled back like Connor was contagious. "I'm sorry."
"No." Connor followed him. "I just wanted to be honest with you. The marriage is over, we've separated and she's filed, but it's not final."
"And? You come here and seduce me and then tell me no."
"I did not come here to seduce you. It just...we just..." Connor climbed off the couch and walked toward the door.
"Wait." Miles followed. "I wasn't imagining that, you were as turned on as I was..."
"I never said I wasn't. I just need...Miles this is so complicated." Connor sighed and hung his head.
"You forgot about something."
"What?"
"It didn't happen, remember. Nothing leaves this apartment."
"Miles."
"What, are you going back on what you said?"
"No, course not." Connor stepped close and caressed his cheek. "But if we did this, I'd want more than just tonight."
"So, we cross that bridge when we come to it." He gripped the older man's hand and tried pulling him into the bedroom
"Miles."
"Stephen, please. I don't want to be alone. We've already started this, this chance...this happening...this attraction. It's there, fight it or not. I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to explore it, explore you." Connor stepped close and kissed him tenderly on the lips. "Take me to bed. Make me forget today."
"Sweetheart." Connor hugged him close. "I'm scared."
"You?" Miles laughed and pushed against the strong chest, breaking Connor's hold. "You're scared. Of what?"
"You, this, us. What I'm feeling right now. What I might feel tomorrow if we do this."
"What about me, my feelings."
"Miles, I wouldn't do anything to hurt you."
"So don't. Don't leave." Miles felt the tears well up again and Connor stepped in rubbing his arms. "Please." Connor nodded and Miles wrapped his arms around the older man's waist and held tight. Tomorrow would come with enough questions and not enough answers. Tomorrow would come...like it or not and they'd go on with their lives. Pieces fall where they may.
end