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~ Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you ~
I don't know what made me say it. God knows what possesses me when I get like that...I can't even begin to explain myself and that's what makes it so hard to rationalize. It wasn't your fault, and yet I hurt you anyway. I said the one thing I knew would hurt you the most, something that isn't, and has never been, true. Sometimes I feel like I must be the biggest fool ever born...how could I say something so hateful and cruel to someone I love so completely?
~ I heard the words come out
I felt like I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you ~
"You're nothin' but a slut, Rem. I'm sick and tired of all this shit!"
The words were out of my mouth before I could stop myself. I stood there, mouth wide open afterwards as the enormity of what I'd just said slowly sank in. How could I have just said something like that to you? You weren't to blame at all, and I said it anyway. How could it have been your fault? You can't help the fact that you're hopelessly beautiful...it's only natural that other people should want you. You didn't ask for it and you didn't encourage it, but I hurt you because I was jealous...because I was insecure and afraid of losing you.
~ Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken ~
When the fight started, you were angry, you yelled and glared and generally put up the kind of fight you're notorious for. You knew you were in the right and you couldn't believe I couldn't see it. But then I went and said those two sentences that I'd give anything to take back and everything changed.
You went from being feisty and offended to looking...crushed, there's just no other word for it. All the light went out of your eyes and you just kind of slumped down to the floor, tears running down your cheeks. I'd never seen you look so broken before and I knew with an absolute dreadful certainty that I'd gone too far this time. God, what I would have given to be able to go back and make that right...never say something so cruel and unjustified to you, to the person I said I would love no matter what.
~ I'd give anything now
To hear those words from you ~
I don't deserve to be forgiven, I know it and yet I hope...desperate, burning hope...that you'll say those three words to me again. I would do anything, ANYTHING to hear you say that, to know that I've been forgiven for my foolish cruelty. Praying that this wouldn't be the time I went too far...too far for you to put aside all reason and forgive me like you always had before.
~ Each time I say something I regret I cry "I don't want to lose you"
But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah ~
I don't know why I do the stupid things I do. Sometimes I think I'm just not meant to be happy...that I have to sabotage the one good thing I have. I'm terrified of losing you, Rem, without you I have nothing.
Every time I hurt you...hit you or say something so stupid it's inconceivable...I scream on the inside, screaming and pleading for you to give me another chance...to stick by this old fool. At the same time I know you won't leave; you'll stand by me no matter how many times I hurt you because you don't think you deserve any better.
~ -Cause you're made for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me ~
I know I do stupid things. I know I hurt you without provocation, without waiting for an explanation. You mean more to me than anything else in the world, it's just that I can't seem to stop screwing up. I'm working so God damn hard to show you how much you mean to me...I'm trying, Darlin'. I'm trying so God damn hard that it hurts...
~ I can't life this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive ~
I need you, Rem. I know with absolute certainty that I can't make it without you. You're the only thing that keeps me going. Without you I'm nothing. An empty shell. You're what makes me human...you're what keeps this old heart going.
~ So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry ~
I wait for endless moments that feel like hours as you stare blankly at the floor at my feet, tears running down your cheeks, terrified that this time I've pushed too far. Then slowly, you raise those beautiful ruby eyes to look at me. I know what you're doing; you're justifying it, telling yourself you deserved it, that you had it coming. I wish you could hear me, inside I'm screaming, pleading for your forgiveness. It breaks my heart to know you're justifying my actions, but at the same time, a part of me is telling me the ends justify the means. I can always make you understand later that you're not responsible, right now the simple fact that you'll forgive me is enough.
~ And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you ~
I can literally feel the tension break when you make up your mind. Looking up at me with haunted eyes, you hold out your arms and I immediately fall to my knees and grab you up in a crushing hug, thanking God for one more chance to start over again. This time, I promise myself, there aren't going to be any more screw ups. I'll never hurt you again, I'd rather die than see that pain on your face again, see those tears in those beautiful eyes and know that I'm the cause. This time, I'll show you that you're worth so much more than that.
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