Actions

Work Header

Something I Can Never Have

Summary:

Song fic; Logan begs Remy’s forgiveness. Inspired by "Something I Can Never Have" by Nine Inch Nails. Logan/Remy.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

~ I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore
~

I've never been one to apologize when I'm wrong, to admit that I'm capable of making mistakes, and I'm paying for my pride every day of my life now. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have pushed you away?

Looking back on it, I can't see why I thought that you would tolerate the way I was behaving, the way I was hurting you. I was so caught up in my own pain that I never considered the fact that you were hurting, too. I expected you to take it, I can admit that now. I expected you to let me hurt you. I was stupid and now I'm paying the price.

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't live without you.

~ You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
~

I know I deserve this pain. You were the one thing that saved me from myself...the one thing that chased away the fear, but I hurt you and now you're gone. Now I'm alone again and I don't know if I can make it on my own.

I would give anything, anything to have you back. I'm ready to swallow my pride. I'm ready to admit that I was wrong. I'm ready to throw myself on your mercy and beg your forgiveness. I know I hurt you, that I don't deserve to be taken back, but I have to try.

I didn't appreciate all that you did for me then, but I do now. I've been forced to face the truth about myself and I don't like what I see. You gave me security, you made me a better person, you chased away the fear that was eating me alive, but I didn't appreciate it then. I was selfish. I was more concerned with my own pride than with your happiness.

~ You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the color if I had a heart
Come on, tell me
~

I don't think most people realize everything that you've done for me...all the ways you've changed me for the better. I doubt they'd even believe it if I told them. They all have their prejudices and preconceived ideas about who we are and what we're capable of, and weakness just doesn't fit into their image of me any more than patience does in their image of you. I know better than they do, though. I know just how much you've done for me. I never thought I was capable of the things you've showed me - love, self-sacrifice, compassion - but now I know that I am and there's no denying it.

You always did have the patience of a saint; you stuck it out longer than most people would have. I just want you to know that I don't blame you for leaving. You had to; I know that now. I'm ready to admit I was wrong. I'm ready to accept responsibility for the way I hurt you.

I won't blame you if you won't have me back, but I have to try. I have to know that I at least tried to put right everything that I've done wrong. I won't be able to live with myself if I don't.

~ You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
~

I'm scared. More scared than I've ever been in my life and it's all because everything hangs on this moment, on whether or not you'll be able to forgive me for the way I've hurt you. I don't know why I was so stupid, why I never stopped to consider the fact that you had to have been hurting too, all I can say is that I'm selfish and ignorant...and that I was wrong.

I need you back, there's no way around it. I don't know how I'll make up for all the pain I've put you through, but I'll do anything it takes. Anything. I can't promise that I'll be perfect, but I can promise that I'll do anything humanly possible to make up for everything that I've put you through, that I'll do everything in my power never to hurt you again.

I can't believe how stupid I was...how selfish and callous. Looking back on it, I can't imagine knowingly treating someone I loved so cruelly, but I did. I have to face that fact if I'm going to be able to move past it. I'm not denying the things I did, I know I'm to blame and that I don't deserve your forgiveness, but hope is a powerful thing and I can't live without you.

~ In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now,
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
Come on tell me
~

Do you know what it's like to be haunted? That's how I feel each day without you; you're all I can think about, you're all I dream about...you're everything to me. I'm afraid of who I've become without you in my life. I'm afraid to even think about living the rest of my life without you in it.

~ You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
~

So please, darlin', give me another chance. I need this. I need you.

END

Notes:

This orphaned work was originally on Pejas WWOMB posted by author Xanax.
If this work is yours and you would like to reclaim ownership, you can click on the Technical Support and Feedback link at the bottom fo the page.