SquidgeWorld Archive

Healing Old Wounds
by Braycat
Tripzone1@earthlink.net

''So, Teyla, were you ever really, really in love?"

Aiden Ford couldn't help but wince. Sometimes he hated it when Major Sheppard got in a mood like this, all introspective and mushy. Ford knew the major didn't mean to pry, he simply used an opportunity like this, when they were all sitting around a campfire on a totally uninhabited world, to get to know his team a little bit better. Normally Ford wouldn't have a problem with that but sometimes... the young man shot a side way glance toward McKay... a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Fortunately Sheppard's attention was focused in on Teyla who was laughing at the major's impertinence, so he didn't notice that McKay was just quietly sitting there, staring intently at the flickering flames. It was the quiet part that was beginning to scare Ford, a lot.

The young Lieutenant turned his attention back to Teyla who was just beginning to answer Sheppard's question. "Not that it's any of your business, major..." the woman put a friendly emphasis on the rank. "But I have been too busy looking out for the well fare of my people to take interest in such matters."

Sheppard seemed to find that interesting. "Better watch out. All work and no play makes Teyla a dull girl."

Even though the Athosean had never specifically heard that saying before, she got the point. Teyla was about to inflict a comeback when Sheppard saw what was coming and hastily shifted targets. "Ford..."

"Sir?" While not anxious to come under Sheppard's spotlight, he was desperate to keep the major focused in on him and away from McKay.

Sheppard stared deeply at Ford for a second then said... "Nah... you're too young to really know what love is about." John shifted right. "McKay..."

Crap. Ford had to do something, fast. "Sir, its getting kind of late. Don't you think that we should get some rest..."

Sheppard wasn't going to have any of that. "Keep your pants on, Ford. You'll get your shut eye soon enough. I want to hear about McKay's romantic past." John once again turned toward the scientist. "Rodney, have you ever really been in love?"

It took forever for McKay to raise his head and when he did they could all see the glistening of unshed tears in his eyes. "Just once, came the anguished reply.

"Damn."

Sheppard could barely make out the muffled curse from Ford before McKay struggled to get to his feet. "Excuse me for a minute, will you..."

The others watched as McKay stumbled off in the darkness, unable to face his demons with them. He needed to be alone.

Sheppard couldn't believe his eyes. He had just been playing a game with his team. He never meant to hurt Rodney but apparently he had. John had to fix this but how was he going to do that when he had no intel to work with? Sheppard was at a loss for a moment then he remembered the Lieutenant's quiet curse. "Ford, do you know what that was all about?"

"Well, sir..." Ford stalled while he debated what to do. The second that Sheppard had opened his mouth Ford knew that Weir hadn't brought the major up to speed about Dr. McKay's past, and quite frankly Aiden didn't know if he should violate Rodney's privacy by talking out of turn, but the doctor had been so unhappy after the 'incident' until... come to think about it McKay hadn't really started to come out of his funk until after Sheppard assigned Rodney to their team.

Hmm. There were definitely vibes flowing through both of the men and Aiden couldn't help but wonder if maybe Sheppard could help Rodney in a way that no one else could.

All in all Aiden decided to take a chance. Telling Sheppard couldn't mess things up more than they were right now. "Well, sir..." Ford hesitated for one, final moment before taking that last, irrevocable step. "You know that Dr. McKay is gay, right?"

Sheppard took in a huge gulp of air. John had suspected, even hoped just a little that Rodney might swing his way, but he hadn't known for certain until that very moment, but there was no way that he was going to let Ford know that. "Sure."

Ford let out a sigh of relief. One hurdle overcome. "Well then, it all dates back to a day four years ago..."

It had all been brand new back then. Ford had only been at the SGC for a week and had still been struggling to comprehend the concept of inter planetary travel when it happened. Ford had been assigned to help secure the gate room. Basically he was one of the guys who pointed guns at every incoming wormhole in case some alien bad guy snuck through, real tough stuff. That day they were to greet SG5 who was returning from a mission along with Daniel Jackson who had been loaned to the team in order to study some sort of alien gizmo.

Anyway, Colonel O'Neill was there along with Major Carter and they were talking about some sort of bet and standing next to them was an air force lieutenant. Ford didn't find out his name until later but it was Barber. Lieutenant Michael Barber.

Ford liked to mentally pin down the location of every friendly in the room. If the bullets started flying the young officer didn't want to hit one of their own people by mistake.

Ford thought that he had everyone placed when Dr. McKay entered the gate room from the opposite door. McKay had some sort of gizmo in his hand and Ford assumed that the scientist was there to monitor readings from the gate, or something like that.

The chevron's started to move and Ford moved into position, his eye to his weapon's sight. Ford was ready to repel any foreign intruder, he wasn't ready for Barber to run toward the unstable vortex of the wormhole. The energy wave washed over the man, vaporizing him instantly.

A stunned silence fell throughout the room that lasted for the eternity of a second, then it was broken by the loudest, most heart wrenching wail that Ford had ever heard.

The soldier was about to turn to see where the sound came from when he felt a blur go past him. Rodney McKay was running up the ramp TOWARD an incoming wormhole. Now, Ford's one week on the job didn't qualify him to be an expert on gate travel, not by a long shot, but even he knew that wormholes went in only one direction. If somebody was foolish enough to jump into a wormhole going the opposite way, well.. then he would end up vaporized, just like poor Barber.

This movement was so unexpected that Ford was caught short. He hesitated for only a second, but that was enough. McKay was past his position and out of reach, but fortunately Colonel O'Neill wasn't so hampered. Thinking on his feet O'Neill reached out and grabbed McKay by the middle, swinging the scientist around and dragging him away from the event horizon.

"Let me go!" McKay struggled to break free. "I've got to get to Michael!"

By now Carter had jumped into the fray and had latched onto Rodney's arm to try to hold him back. "It's too late!" She tried to reach the distraught man. "He's gone! You've got to let him go."

"Nooooo!" Rodney's scream was primal, his grief overwhelming. "Michael can't be dead! I've got to get to him!" McKay wrenched hard. "LET GO OF ME!"

Rodney summoned up all of his strength and actually was able to break free of O'Neill's grip. Before the air force officer could grab a hold again, McKay had gotten to his feet and was running toward the event horizon once again.

Ford's heart was in his throat. The soldier could do nothing but watch as another co-worker threw away his life for nothing, then fate intervened in the shape of one Daniel Jackson. The archaeologist had just stepped through the event horizon when McKay ran into the man full tilt! The pair fell to the ramp in a heap and Rodney wasn't able to extract himself from Jackson's limbs before the wormhole disengaged. The event horizon was gone leaving an empty ring in its wake.

When he saw that his avenue for escape from this mortal coil was gone all of the frantic energy that had been motivating the scientist seeped out of him like a leaky balloon. Rodney collapsed on the ramp and simply started to sob. Daniel Jackson didn't have a clue in hell as to what was going on, but he recognized pain when he saw it and instinctively gathered the distraught man into his arms, rocking Rodney gently until the man cried it all out....

A large crackle from the burning wood brought Ford from the past to the present. The lieutenant looked up to see how his companions had reacted to his story. Teyla was openly crying while Major Sheppard just held his head while he stared deeply into the fire. Ford saw that he still had their attention so he went ahead and finished off the tale.

"It turned out that Barber's brain had been damaged by some alien device, that's why he killed himself, but that didn't help Dr. McKay much.''

Teyla figured out what Ford had left unspoken. "Dr. McKay and this Lieutenant Barber had been lovers then?"

Ford nodded. "Apparently they had been seeing each other in secret for months. After Barber's suicide the SGC debated about dumping Dr. McKay from the program but ultimately General Hammond decided against it. First of all Dr. McKay was a civilian so 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' didn't apply, and there was the fact that Dr. McKay was simply too brilliant to let him wander the streets alone, but I don't think that's the real reason."

Sheppard had never met the legendary general, but he had heard enough about the man, even from Antarctica. "Let me guess. Hammond wanted to give Rodney something to live for."

Ford was relieved. Sheppard understood. Time to play the rest of his hunch. "Dr. McKay lost himself in his work for a good long while. It wasn't until recently that I noticed that he seemed to be perking up a bit."

"Really." Teyla found that interesting. "What do you think caused the change?"

"Well, I think we did." Ford told her. "Being a part of this team made him feel special because..." Ford shot Sheppard a pointed look... "I think Rodney finally has gotten the impression that someone really cares about him."

Taking the hint Sheppard got to his feet. "Well, I'd better make sure to turn Rodney's impression into a reality." He glanced at his remaining team. "I'll be back."

They nodded in return then Ford crossed his fingers as he watched his CO disappear into the dark. Will his biggest of gambles pay off? Only time would tell.

**************

It took Sheppard a few minutes, but finally he was able to spot the outline of his missing team mate sitting on a fallen log, a few feet ahead. Rodney's shoulders were slumped and his head was bowed. For one moment John was loath to disturb the man, but that impulse quickly passed. Rodney needed help and John was determined to supply it. Not that John did all that much at first. He simply sat next to McKay and let the distraught man soak up all the quiet support that he could. After they sat that way for a good ten minutes John decided that it was time to speak up. "I'm so sorry, Rodney."

McKay's eyes closed of his own accord when he heard that. "Ford told you, I suppose."

"Yeah. He was worried about you..." Sheppard paused before he had the courage to add... "We all were."

That brought a small smile to Rodney's face. "That's nice to hear.'' The scientist stared out into the darkness. "It's a dull pain now, most of the time, but occasionally it flares up again."

"Like now." Sheppard immediately felt guilty. "Rodney..."

"No!" McKay interrupted that thought before it got any further. "Its not your fault, you didn't know." Rodney sighed. "I shouldn't even let it bother me anymore, its just that..."

"What..."

Rodney faced Sheppard for the first time. "Sometimes I feel that I'll never find anyone who will love me like that again."

Sheppard's protest was instinctive. ''Rodney! Don't even think that way."

"Oh come on, Major. We both know that my personality runs on the abrasive side most of the time." Now Rodney couldn't face the man sitting beside him. "I guess its some sort of protective instinct I guess... and it works, better than I'd like most of the time. I spent most of my life alone... until Michael."

''Tell me about him." Sheppard ordered, sensing Rodney's need to talk.

McKay smiled as his thoughts went back in time. "Michael was handsome, smart and once he set his sights on me he had battered his way through my defenses and had captured my heart in no time. Michael and I were lovers for almost six wonderful months and while the sex was great..." Rodney shot a glance at John. "You know what the best part was?"

"No, what?"

"Michael didn't love me for my mind or didn't try to use me to get into the good graces of the SGC. Michael loved me for me." Rodney turned back and stared into the darkness once again. "That's why I freaked out in the gate room when I saw Michael disintegrate right before my very eyes. I knew at that moment that I was destined to spend the rest of my life alone. No one was ever going to love me the way Michael did. Ever."

The pair just sat there in silence for awhile before John finally whispered... "That's not true."

That caught Rodney by surprise. The scientist turned to get a look at the man sitting next to him and when he did he saw something unexpected shining out of John's eyes.

Sheppard didn't waste this opportunity that he'd been given. "You don't need to give up, Rodney. There's somebody else who all ready loves you."

"There is?" McKay was captivated by those eyes. He could oh, so easily drown in them and maybe if he was right, he'd get that chance, but he had to be sure. "Who is that?"

In an answer John leaned in and captured Rodney's lips with his own. The scientist moaned and deepened the kiss. It had been so long.

The couple continued this exchange for several more minutes, then suddenly John was hit with a burst of nerves and reared back. "I'm not moving too fast for you, Rodney, am I?

The scientist shook his head. "I've been wanting this for a long time, I just didn't realize it until now." Rodney was about to kiss Sheppard again when he was stopped by his own doubts. "I won't lie to you John, Michael made a huge impact in my life and I'm never going to be totally over him, but Michael's dead..." Rodney stumbled a little over the word. It was hard to say, even now. "And it's time for me to move on. I really want to start over with you, John, if you'll have me."

"If I'll have you?" John snorted. "Rodney, I've wanted you for weeks."

Rodney's supernova smile warmed every corner of John's cold and lonely heart and the air force officer reached for his new love once more.

Across the way Ford smiled. He wasn't close enough to the couple to overhear anything they said, so technically he wasn't spying, but Ford became concerned when Sheppard hadn't come back right away and the Lieutenant began to fear that he had made things worse for his friends rather than better, but when he saw the couple kiss Aiden could finally relax. His long shot had paid off.

John and Rodney were the winners of that particular gamble and Aiden couldn't be happier for them. Ford hated to see the innocent suffer, and that's what Rodney was when it came right down to it, an innocent, but now all that pain that been inflicted on McKay's poor, battered soul oh, so long ago had been erased.

Yes, Ford thought as he headed back to join Teyla, everything was going to be just fine now.

Fini