SquidgeWorld Archive

Blair Bashing #3
By Kris (Agentstarlight)

"When was it, Jim?" Blair asked his roommate again.

"I told you Chief, it was last year," Jim replied quietly, his brow creasing in concern. "Are you okay? Do you want me to take you-"

"No, Jim. I'm... I don't want to be there. Please?"

"Sandburg, I-I promised the doctor I would take you. They might be able to help," Jim argued. He tried his best to fight the tears that rose in his throat as he watched Blair fight to sit up on the bed.

"Jim... Didn't it ever occur to you that I don't want any more help? I mean, I can't fight this anymore. It isn't worth it to fight," Blair's voice was even growing weaker as he spoke, and it tore Jim up inside.

"Chief, they have medicine, they have chemo. Why don't you want to fight? Can't you see I need you? I can't do this without you. You're the only Guide."

"Jim, there are other guides. You have to look through my notes at Rainer, you'll see-"

"I don't want to look through your damn notes!" Jim interrupted, the helplessness rising in his voice. "If you aren't here to be my Guide, Chief... I can't be a Sentinel. I just can't go out and pick a replacement. Nothing and nobody can replace you."

"Jim..." Now the tears were revealed in Blair's voice as well, and the young man didn't have enough strength to sacrifice for fighting them.

"Don't do this, man. The city needs you. You could save so many people..."

"I could save a lot of people, but a lot of good it does when I can't even protect my own Guide. What kind of Blessed Protector am I? Chief, you are the other half of me. I can't go on living if you die. Don't leave me like this." It wasn't until the words escaped Jim's mouth that he knew the truth. He knew when he saw the pain and intense agony of focus on his partner's face. It was selfish to beg Blair to stay. It was like begging him to live longer in this tormented pain.

The cancer was eating him alive now. All the doctors on the West

Coast couldn't help him. Blair was diagnosed a year ago. His brilliant mind and teaching abilities diminished slowly, all the strongest pain medications available making his brain cells deteriorate along with his body. It had gotten to the point now where the young man had to ask questions all the time, his memory span only lasting minutes.

Jim Ellison watched his partner and best friend wither away under his care, and he couldn't do anything to help. He watched Blair shake and tremble just going into the bathroom. The once bouncy, joyful young man had turned into a helpless and fragile soul, with hardly a glint of what was left still shining through in those big blue eyes. Those eyes that were too often full of tears of pain, frustration, anger, confusion. The body that used to be strong and beautiful was now frail and thin, and far too pale to have any life left. The long brunette curls that were so loved by Jim and cherished by Blair were now nothing more than a few handfuls of short-cropped hair.

All the life and energy had left the loft that was only called a home since Blair had moved in. There was nothing left to do but wait. The always healthy and happy young man had already lived far beyond the six months the doctors had predicted. It tore Jim up inside more than anything ever had to sit and watch the man who had saved his life over and over just fade away.

"Jim... You know I'll always be there," Blair whispered now, his head resting wearily on a fluffy down pillow. "I'm right there, in all your dreams, in all your visions. I'll always be strong, the wolf that runs with the panther. I'll always be strong there, you know?"

"Chief, I..." Jim lowered his head to his hands and let the tears fall. They were too heavy to hold inside now. After a moment, he raised his head again, wanting- needing to see his Guide as long as he could.

"Jim, you have to be strong, man... You were always the strong one. I

was the one who broke down, not you. I just can't... I can't hold on to this anymore, big guy. Please understand that..."

"I do, Blair. I do understand," Jim whispered, brushing the tears off of the pale, weary face of his friend. "I'm so sorry I asked you to stay, Chief. If I could take all this pain, I would do it in a second."

"Jim, I wouldn't let you. What this does to a man... Only destroys. Only takes away, until there's nothing left. I don't have anything left, man. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Blair. You gave me more than I could have ever hoped for. You did nothing but give the best of yourself to everyone, Chief. You had a good life. You made only friends, and everyone you've ever met will miss you. Not just me. You spread happiness everywhere you went." Jim took the small, cool hand in his own large ones, and willed some warmth into the constantly cold body. His words were more than true. Even long after Blair had gotten sick from the cancer, he still was happy, always. He still managed to spread the legacy of his joy on to everyone who had been in his life. He had made the most of every day, every hour. He had taken risks, made promises, fulfilled dreams and goals.

"Jim, nobody really knows... You can't tell when life will end, you know? It could be tomorrow, or next week. It could be the next time you walk out the damn door," Blair's voice wavered, and the hand that was encased by Ellison's warm grasp twitched in pain. "But promise me something, Jim... Be careful. Be careful where you go, and how you act. Be careful on cases, and don't dial it up too far. Be careful what you say. Be careful what you wish for..." The tears were flowing freely down Blair's cheeks now, and Jim's face wasn't a whole lot dryer.

"I promise, Chief," Jim said softly, bringing the long, trembling fingers to his lips. He sat down beside his guide, as close as he could get, and drew the small body into a warm embrace. He allowed his senses to go, as high as they would. He listened to the weak, struggling beat of Blair's heart, the shallow breathing. He inhaled the scent of the lingering shampoo, and the unique smell of the candles that were lit throughout the room. His fingers tingled as he brushed them through the remaining strands of hair.

"Jim..."

"Yeah, Chief?"

"I know this is a corny way to go, but... I love you, man." Jim winced at the words, and the quivering tone in the small voice.

"I love you, too. Blair, I am so sorry."

"Don't be. It takes too much... Jim..."

"Yeah?"

"I better not... See you there, any time soon..."

"See me there?"

"You've still got... A good twenty years on me, man."

"Oh, Chief, I don't know about that. You don't want me to be an old wrinkly man when we meet again. Besides, I always wanted to go in the line of duty."

"There's no better way... Jim?"

"Yeah, Chief."

"Could you put on some music? It's too... Quiet."

"Sure." Jim stood reluctantly, draping the weakened young man back against the headboard and brushing the tears off again. He hurried over to the stereo and put on the first CD he could find. A sweet rainforest melody filled the air, with a harp and wind chimes drifting through the small, dim bedroom. Hurrying back to his partner, Jim's heart skipped when he saw the closed eyes.

"Chief?"

"It's okay, Jim. I haven't let go yet," Blair said in a raspy voice.

"Blair... Do you really want to? Right now?"

"What better time, man? We've said our good-byes... And it hurts so much, Jim... Don't be angry with me."

"Oh, Chief. I'm not angry. I would never be angry with you," Jim said, kneeling down beside his friend again.

"Good... What's left, Jim? What's left to say?"

"Everything. Everything that hasn't been said yet. Everything that could be said in the future..." Jim was crying again now, his hands shaking as he gently wiped a warm cloth over his guide's sweaty, cold face. Blair opened his eyes again, and ever so slowly brought one hand up to Jim's face. For a few eternal moments, the almost unrecognizable glazed over eyes studied the older man's features. Absorbing them like a cat would stretch out and absorb the sun's rays. There was only sadness and defeat mirrored through both sets of blue eyes.

"No regrets, Jim," Blair whispered, lowering his hand. The strength left him like a breath of air.

"No regrets. Sleep now, Chief." Jim squeezed the hand in his lightly and kissed Blair's forehead as the eyes drifted closed. The bigger man lay Blair down on the bed and spooned up behind him, keeping the warmth in between as long as he could. He kept only his sense of touch and smell dialed up for as long as he could, but as the life faded from his guide, so did the senses in the sentinel.

'A Sentinel can only be a Sentinel as long as he chooses to.'

The words of the Shaman came back into Jim's mind, and he knew then. It was his choosing. He could not live the life of a Sentinel when there was no more life for his Guide.

Jim listened to the heartbeat as it slowed, and the last breath left Blair like a small sigh of relief. Jim felt no remorse at that moment, only the peace in knowing his friend had finally left behind all the pain. His sensitive hearing did not magnify the small sigh that escaped his own lips. All the senses had returned to normal now.

Squeezing his eyes shut tight, he lay there with his Guide for a while, imagining the many times he had done this over the past year. The times he'd held Blair while the young man was sick, or crying in pain. The times he had comforted his friend during the radiation treatments and days spent in the hospital. The times when Jim had held the long, thick curls back while Blair lost his meager meals in the bathroom.

Slowly, ever so slowly, the memories changed to the happier times. The times that brought a smile to his face when he pictured them. It was what Blair would have wanted, to be remembered by the happy times. So it was those times that brought all the friends and even strangers to the cemetery on an early spring day. Countless people gathered around the open grave, but there was no open mourning. The tears had already been shed, and now it was the time of remembrance.

It is the sad and unfair truth that too many young people pass away in this world every day. That every person who leaves life has at least someone who will mourn them is a beautiful thing. For those who are left behind with only the memories, it is hard, sometimes too much so. But for those who have gone before us, they have left behind a legacy, a part of themselves, to every person they touched, spoke to, comforted, and even passed by in their lives. This is a tribute to them.

~The End