Work Text:
Angel
by Kel aka Kelex
//....// denote song lyrics
//Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day//
I wonder why he did it; I have to wonder, because he's never said he cares. He made it clear he didn't need me, didn't trust me, didn't want me. But he's selfish; Jim is selfish and he couldn't let me go. He should have been happy; I was gone, out of his way, and it wasn't enough for him. He had to save my life only to torture me more for not being what he thought I should be.
And it is torture, torture to be such a part of him and know that I'm still not good enough, that he still won't take the step with me... won't walk that path with me. And I don't know that I'm strong enough to walk it alone anymore.
//I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight//
Every sound outside my door and I hope it's him coming to visit me again. But I know it isn't, inside I know it isn't because I don't feel him close to me. And I know I never will.
My mind keeps going back to the last instant, before Alex sucked that last breath of life out of me. I was floating, so calm and so quiet, floating in the water and then a blissful nothingness... no more pain. I wish I could find that feeling again; maybe when I sleep I'll dream of it.
//In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie//
Jim looked into the room and saw Blair asleep in the darkness. He rested his hand on the cold glass of the window. Could he let the man inside know how much he was needed? Not with words; words always caused such problems. But maybe someday.
Knowing he was not supposed to, Jim slipped silently into Blair's room, looking at the narrow bed. If he turned onto his side, there would be enough room for them both, and Jim needed to know that he was not alone.
Waiting and watching, Blair turned onto his side soon enough, and Jim slipped into the bed beside him, cradling his Guide--his heart-- tenderly against him.
//you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there//
I hear him in the room; I know it's him. If I wake up I will scare him off; what is he waiting for? He's watching and waiting for something, but for what? I know I should not hope, but I can't help myself; I need him tonight. If I move over, maybe... maybe he will sit beside me and hold my hand. He's... in bed with me. More than I'd hoped for. Hold me, Jim... yes... hold me and let me pretend that just for one night, you love me as I love you.
//So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack//
When I woke up in the morning he was gone, but not long ago; it is still warm where he slept. I can't believe he stayed with me; maybe he needed me as much as I need him. God please let that be true. I can't live if he doesn't need me. I can lie to myself, I can keep pretending that we have a future together if he still needs me. I have to have that lie, God. I have to, or else, I don't have a reason to be here. Please, God... let him need me.
//it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees//
Jim didn't want to get out of bed. Blair was soft and warm in his arms, precious and safe. Even the smells and sounds of the hospital did not drown out the breathing and the heartbeat of the man in his arms or fill his nose like Blair did. He had thrown his leg over Blair's legs in the night, and his left arm was under Blair's head as his right wrapped around the Guide's waist. *God, if only I could wake like this every morning; sleep so sound and guard him every night and wake with him in my arms every morning; I would give all I had to protect him.* Jim didn't think of himself as a praying man, and yet he offered up that prayer.
//in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie//
As Jim lay there quietly thinking and watching, Blair shifted in his sleep and turned to face Jim, wrapping his arms around Jim's waist. Jim caught his lip between his teeth before giving himself away and whispering. He pulled Blair closer, nestling the Guide against him, tucking Blair's head under his chin and tangling their legs together. Then, composition deserting him, Jim quickly pulled away and fled to the bathroom, before he could soil Blair with his tears.
//you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here.//
Blair rolled over into the warm spot left by Jim, lost in his own thoughts until the sound of crying filtered through the bathroom door. Rolling out of bed, he slowly made his way over and knocked on the door. "Hello?"
"Go back to bed, Chief," came a choked command.
"Jim?" Blair reached down and rattled the knob; it was locked. "Jim, open up, man, what's wrong?" He rattled it again. Jim would not be crying unless something were terribly wrong and perhaps not even then. If Jim were crying; the world would certainly be ending. Or he was terribly, terribly ill. "Jim, open and let me in before I call someone to let me in."
There was a long pause, then a soft click as the door was unlocked, but not opened. Blair opened it without hesitation, steadying himself on the door as he stepped inside the bathroom and then closed the door again. Jim was standing over the sink, his back to Blair as his fingers gripped the ceramic fixture tightly so that his knuckles were almost as white as the sink. "Go back to bed, Blair, I'm fine."
"No you're not." He walked over to Jim, putting his hand on his friend's back. "Let me help you, Jim... how can I help you?"
"Hold me," Jim said softly. "You can hold me... hold me and let me feel for a few more minutes what it's like to be with you before I have to open that door and pretend again," he said hoarsely.
Blair went immediately to Jim and wrapped his arms around his partner's waist. "Jim... come on, man, talk to me. You're scaring me." As soon as he touched Jim, he oofed slightly as Jim crushed him. "Jim?"
"Sssh," Jim pled. "Just for a few minutes. Then I'll tell you everything." As Blair held him, Jim felt everything he knew he'd ever want in his life; love, acceptance, friendship, caring, comfort, and respect. He pressed Blair's cheek into his shoulder, caressing his shoulder and face softly. "I am so sorry I failed you, Blair... I didn't protect you from her, and I should have known. I knew everything else, I just didn't think she'd go after you like that; it wasn't until... I couldn't put a name to it until I saw you there and I knew I couldn't survive without you. Please... give me another chance. I will walk that path with you, I will do anything that it takes to keep you safe forever. I can't lose you, Blair... you're my soul now and I can't function without my soul."
//you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here.//
As soon as Jim started talking, Blair trembled. He couldn't believe Jim was saying the words he'd been waiting years to hear. Jim, asking to be held, shaking in his arms as he said that he needed Blair. His prayers had been answered. He rubbed Jim's back, trying to soothe and comfort the distraught Sentinel. "Jim... Sssh. You couldn't have known everything she did. Your visions weren't that complete. You're my guardian angel, man. You've saved my life a hundred times over, and it belongs to you... just like my heart. No no, let me finish. I love you too, Jim. I know all the things you can't say. You won't have to worry about ever being without me because with you is the only place I belong." He felt Jim press his cheek against his shoulder again, and didn't fight it, instead drinking in the comfort and the love that Jim's arms offered him.
He looked up when he heard the Sentinel singing softly with the radio in someone else's room. "In the arms of an angel fly away from here..." Blair smiled. Jim was his angel. His guardian angel, his avenging angel. He would take care of Alex. Jim would lay down his life to protect Blair, and both men knew it. "Blair... I love you," Jim whispered. "My angel." His guiding star.
From someone else's room, the song slowly faded into quiet.
END