Work Text:
Not Yet, But Soon
By kelex
Blair looked around the room he was tied up in. Pictures of himself littered the walls. In the corner he saw a metal rack that held articles of his clothing; shirts, jackets, pants, even socks and shoes were on the shelf above the rack. A couple of his belts were on the rack as well, along with one of Jim's cable knit sweaters that Blair had "appropriated" out of Jim's truck one cold night and never returned. His eyes wandered back to the pictures on the wall.
Most were taken by camera; all sizes, full body and close up. He shivered as he recognized some of the pictures as being taken in the warehouse he'd rented as an apartment/office, and he felt a second cold chill as he realized just how deeply his privacy had been invaded. Some of the pictures had been cut out of magazines or other publications he'd been featured in; in the newspaper pictures he'd been in with Jim, the other man had been carefully excised from every shot. Somehow that frightened Blair. He found himself caught between the wish for Jim to come and sweep him away, and the fear that Jim would be just as carefully excised from Blair's life as he had been from the photographs.
He turned on the wheeled chair to look at the wall behind him. Documents plastered the wall; photocopies of Blair's birth certificate, his driver's license, his university ID, his Social Security card. Newspaper articles, scholarly publication articles, even gossip column clippings about him
adorned the wall. He even saw a copy of his Cascade PD credentials on the wall. It was almost a macabre case of "Blair Sandburg, This Is Your Life!" He clapped a lid on the hysterical giggles that almost bubbled up over that thought. He needed to keep his head.
* * * * *
Blair woke up screaming. He was screaming, panting hard, and doubled over on himself. And someone was shaking him--hard. He looked up to see Jim shaking him. "Jim?"
Jim nodded. At least Blair recognized him this time. "You were having a nightmare," Jim said softly, putting his hand on Blair's shoulder. "You're okay now." Jim didn't mention the clamminess of Blair's skin, the sheen of sweat on him. This is why Ellison had demanded that Sandburg stay with him, at least for the first few days. Then when the nightmares had started, he'd had a legitimate reason to keep the Guide near him, where he could watch over him and Protect when needed.
Blair didn't say anything as Jim wrapped one of the bedsheets around his shoulders, but he did pull it tightly around him. "The same dream again," he said quietly. "It's like someone was trying to steal my life out from under me."
Psychopath David Lash had only been dead for a few weeks, but his last victim--Blair--was still having nightmares about him. He no longer saw Lash's face, but felt the fearful presence in his sleep. He no longer saw the room of trophies, with the wheelchair hanging from the ceiling, but an exaggerated version of Lash's changing room, where he could take on the identity of the person he'd just killed.
Jim sat down on the side of the bed beside Blair. "He's not coming back to get you, Blair. He's gone, forever. And he didn't take over your life, I wouldn't let him."
"You really mean that, Jim?" Huddled in the sheets and blankets of the bed, Blair looked like a kid to the Sentinel.
"Yeah, Chief, I really mean it. Now just close your eyes and try to relax. It's two in the morning, and you need your sleep."
Blair nodded. He was almost afraid to fall asleep without the big man by his side. "Jim... you're not going to leave me?" He phrased it as a question instead of the fervent hope that it actually was.
"No, Chief... I'm not going to leave you." He sighed, and rolled into bed with Blair. "It's a good thing nobody can see us like this, or people would talk."
Blair curled into Jim's safe presence. "And would that be such a bad thing?" Blair's voice was muffled, and he barely heard himself speak. Jim, on the other hand, heard him loud and clear.
* * * * *
Blair woke up in the morning to find Jim still sleeping beside him. He looked at the alarm clock and it was only five thirty. Jim wouldn't be up for another half hour. He raised a hand to run through his hair and found it matted down with night sweats. He turned onto his side, and met Jim's watchful eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."
Jim shook his head. "It's okay, you didn't wake me. I felt you moving around and I woke up to check on you. It's early; what are you doing up?"
"I couldn't sleep."
Jim gave him a small grin. "Isn't that an understatement, Chief? That's a little like me saying I've got good eyesight."
Blair tried to smile back, but he couldn't quite manage it. "Sorry, Jim. I just don't feel like smiling."
Jim sighed and sat up beside Blair. "Chief, listen. I've been meaning to ask you this, and now seems like a good time; why don't you move into the loft with me, permanently? It would make me feel better to know you are close, and if you need me, I'm right upstairs. Besides, it will be a lot easier for you to help me if you're here with me and can see what I'm doing all the time."
"You sure about this, Jim? I mean, I can be a horrible roommate at times, and right now.... well, you can see, I'm a mess."
"I'm positive, Chief, and that's why now is the perfect time! Especially now with your nightmares, it's even better that you move in here where I can always be close. Then, when I get called out for work, I don't have to go out and get you; you're right with me from the start."
"You're not just feeling sorry for me, are you?" Blair closed his eyes; he wasn't sure he could stand pity from Jim. Not now, or ever.
Blair was surprised to feel to long arms wrap around him from behind, and he found himself cradled against Jim's chest. "I'm not feeling sorry for you, Chief, I'm being selfish. I want you to be with me, and I'm using this as an excuse to ask you to be with me, so if you turn me down, I don't look like a fool." Jim's voice was soft but it echoed in the early morning silence.
Blair made no move to pull away from Jim's comforting embrace. "Jim... I know what you're asking, and it sounds like you're asking for a lot more than just a roommate."
Jim sighed again. "That's up to you, Blair. I won't mention it again, but just know... I'm asking this because I want you to be with me." He did not know why, but he felt much freer to touch and embrace Blair than any other person he'd ever known. Blair made him feel alive, and not just because of his Guidance. Being with Blair made Jim feel more alive than he'd ever felt before in his life, and he didn't want to lose that feeling. Or Blair. "Just know... I'm not asking this out of pity, or anything else other than selfish desire."
Blair had not yet opened his eyes; he was afraid that if he did, Jim would be compelled to move his arms and take back his words. But so long as Blair didn't have to look at Jim's gentle face, didn't have to break the spell of security that Jim's voice had woven with his words, he kept his eyes closed. "And just what are you asking, Jim? Are you asking me to be your roommate or your lover?"
Jim sighed, long and deep. "Which do you want to be, Blair?"
Blair gripped Jim's hands tightly where they met around his waist. His nails dug into Jim's larger hands, but the large man didn't flinch. He seemed to realize Blair was in the midst of a hard decision, and he didn't move. Jim just kept holding Blair against his chest until Blair spoke. "I want to be both, Jim."
Only then did Jim's arms tighten around Blair. "Then say yes, Blair. Say yes, you will move in with me, and I promise you, you won't regret it. We will go at your speed; there is a spare bedroom that is all yours until you're ready for the next--"
"Jim, we're already sleeping together at least half the night. Let's just leave it at that for right now, and then when we've got our feet back under us... then we can worry about the other part of the equation." For the first time, Blair opened his eyes and tilted his head back to look at Jim.
"Whenever you're ready, Chief," Jim said softly. Jim's eyes were bright and unblinking. A gentle tenderness shone in them as he looked down at Blair.
The silence was broken by the alarm blaring out. Six AM. Jim reached over and shut it off. "It's your day off, right Jim?"
"That's right, Chief. I got the whole day to devote to helping you move in. That is, if you say yes."
"Yes, Jim... of course, yes." He turned and wrapped his arms around Jim's waist.
Jim turned into Blair and pulled him close, resting his head on the soft cushion of Blair's hair. "I was so afraid you were going to turn me down, Chief. We're supposed to be together, Blair, I just feel it. I'm going to protect you now."
Blair was close to exhausted. "I just want to sleep, Jim."
Jim stretched out, bringing Blair down to lie beside him. "Then sleep, Chief." He wrapped his arms around Blair's waist and started rocking gently. Blair's eyes closed, and his hands slipped down to cover Jim's. Jim kept rocking, until Blair's even breathing told him that the exhausted Guide was finally sleeping. Then, Jim let his own breathing slow as he dropped into a light doze.
Blair woke with a slight start, not remembering falling asleep. Jim was already awake, watching him. "Jim--how long did you let me sleep?"
"As long as you could--a few hours. It's nine now."
"Three hours." Blair paused. "Three hours untroubled," he amended.
Jim smiled. "True. Three hours with not one bad dream."
Blair turned over to face Jim. "Thank you," he said softly.
Jim blushed. "You're welcome, Chief... it's what I'm here for. Anything else I can do, I will. You mean the world to me, Blair."
"You mean a lot to me too, Jim." Both were avoiding using the big declaration, because the time wasn't right yet. Maybe when Blair's nightmares were over, and he could think clearly, maybe then. Until then, Jim would wait.
He'd take care of Blair through whatever nightmares came, and wait until Blair was ready.
Not yet.
But soon.
The End