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Something that never happened was never supposed to cause this much pain. But that didn't stop the pain in John's chest.
After Rodney had woken up John, and they had a beer out on the pier. After John walked Rodney back to his quarters, then sat with him until he fell asleep. And after John had walked back to his own quarters, the smell of Rodney heavy in the leather coat that he held in his arms, a sorry substitute for the presence of the man that John yearned for. Just one thing continued to echo through his mind, and no amount of distraction could change it.
What if he and Rodney had kissed?
His heart had ached for Rodney for months. It was like when they'd met in the chill of Antarctica, and Rodney's presence was a perfect ray of warmth that thawed John's heart. Now, he could feel the frostbite returning to his veins at even the thought of losing the man that meant so much to him. John had been aching for longer than he could remember, though that ache had changed to heartbreak when Rodney had been infected with the parasite, which led to his second childhood.
After the doors shut behind him, John collapsed on the bed, holding his jacket to his chest, his mind still racing. Maybe he would be lucky for once. Maybe Rodney's scent would follow him into slumber, and let him live out in dreams what he had been too scared to do in real life. Maybe that would be enough.
As he lied to himself, he turned over, and knew that it wouldn't be enough - but it would have to do. Because Rodney deserved his support and friendship more than John deserved happiness.