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Derek was almost there. He was down to just his pants and he was almost safe in the bathroom. He should’ve just ignored his phone ringing. He should’ve just listened to his gut and left it on the night stand next to the bed.
However, to be fair, the caller ID did show his mother. “Hi, Mom,” he said cheerfully, although he was bouncing impatiently on the balls of his feet. “Happy Valentines Day. Did you get the roses?”
“Happy Valentines Day, Sweetie,” a sweet, elderly voice answered. “And she did, a lovely arrangement of pink and white.”
Derek’s eyes widened for a split second in panic but his voice hardly changed. “Auntie Minerva.”
Minerva cackled in amusement. “Yes. It’s Auntie Minerva. You never call. You never write.”
Derek rubbed the back of his neck and sighed. “I know. I’m sorry about that.”
Minerva clicked her tongue between her teeth and her voice had a teasing edge to it. “I’m waiting for Fran to finish getting ready and I thought I’d take this opportunity to borrow her phone to call you.”
Derek glanced from the clock to the doorway to the bathroom and back again. “Oh, are you guys doing something tonight?”
“A double date.” Minerva paused and laughed again. “You know that your mom has a new friend. His name is August.”
“What?” Derek squeaked in surprise.
“Oh,” Minerva drawled. “So, the big, bad profiler doesn’t know everything. Maybe he should call his Auntie Minerva for all the latest dirt.”
“I…” Derek stuttered.
“Anyway,” Minerva continued over him. “He’s very nice. Up until he retired last year, he was a high school history teacher and football coach.”
“How long’s this been going on?” Derek asked flatly.
If Minerva noticed his tone, she didn’t let on. “Almost five months now,” she answered pleasantly. “And my date is Jacob. I met him at the senior center. He’s still got all his hair, perfect eyesight, and he can still drive. He takes me to plays and art shows. We even went to the zoo. And everything works in the bedroom department. I think I’m in love.”
Derek covered his mouth to cover his gag. He shook his head to clear it. “That’s great,” he said with forced lightness. “And I’m sorry. I have to go. I have to get ready.”
“Have to get ready to meet Savannah?”
Derek shifted his weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other. “Ummmm.”
“You followed my advice and called her, right? You have to treat her right. She’s bright and beautiful. She can always take me to church when your mom can’t.”
“I…” Derek’s voice trailed off at a loss. He sank down onto the edge of the bed and shut his eyes. He took a deep, calming breath.
“She’s special,” Minerva continued. “Where are you taking her, Derek?”
Derek rubbed the back of his neck. “Auntie, I’ve already told you.”
“Told me what?” Minerva asked blankly.
Derek rolled his eyes and barely refrained from snapping at her. “I’m already seeing someone.”
“Is it serious?”
“Yeah, five years serious.”
Minerva hummed under her breath. “Have I met her?”
Derek ground his teeth. “Yes, you’ve met him many times.”
“Him?”
“Yes,” Derek hissed.
“You’re with another man?” Minerva asked, clearly puzzled.
“Yes,” Derek snapped. “I’ve heard the old stories about your wild days. Do I really need to draw you a diagram?”
There was a thud on the other end as if the phone had been dropped. Derek swallowed. “Auntie Minerva, are you there?” He pressed the phone tighter to his ear. “Come on. Talk to me.”
There was no answer. Derek’s voice rose in pitch. “Auntie Minerva, answer me! Please! Look, I’m sorry for snapping at you. You have to talk to me!”
Again, there was no answer. Derek stared at his phone in horror. “Oh, my God. I killed her!”
Suddenly, Minerva laughed loudly and gleefully. “Gotcha!”
Derek inhaled sharply. “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine, Derek. Really. I just couldn’t resist.”
“That was cold.”
Minerva giggled. “It wasn’t my idea, but I’m glad I went along with it. That was fun.”
“It was fun trying to give me a heart attack?” Derek grumbled.
Minerva took a deep breath but she was still trying to talk through her fit of giggles. “Thank your friend Penelope.”
Derek’s heart sank. “You know Garcia?”
Minerva sighed deeply and happily. “Fran enlisted her help to convince me that you are indeed in a loving, committed relationship. I remember meeting Dave. I remember the way you two acted around each other, but I admit that I was willfully blind. Then I realized how uncomfortable I made you. For that, I’m sorry. I never meant to drive you away. We had such fun when you were a little boy.”
Derek gave a small smile. “We did and it’s okay. Just don’t push any more women in my direction. I’m happy with Dave.”
“I know and I won’t,” Minerva promised solemnly. “I’ll let you go so you can get ready.”
Derek stood. “Thanks.”
“We wouldn’t want a repeat of last year,” Minerva said off handedly.
“What do you mean?” Derek asked, despite himself.
“Penelope said that you guys didn’t even make it out of the house last year,” Minerva answered dryly. She tried for an innocent tone but failed miserably. “She said something about you having Italian at home that night. That’s why you guys are meeting at the restaurant.”
Derek didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He let out an exasperated huff. “Woman, get off this phone.”