Work Text:
The Night Before (He didnt see me)
By Wild
Sheppard had the ability (always Sheppard. He's always so damn special.) to manipulate his surroundings, bringing forth people who were dead. But he didnt bring me. Ford was there. Yeah, I know Teyla was there because she had no memory of earth, blah blah...
But I wasnt there. Sheppard even had his sixth grade teacher. But not me. So why does this bother me so badly? Why am I sitting seperated from all of them, all thoughts of Christine vanquished by the simple notion that I didnt come up in John Sheppard's perfect world.
I guess I shouldnt be surprised. I mean look at him. He's Sheppard. Perfect, and charming, and everything I'll never be, and I'll always envy so much that it makes my teeth hurt. (Not that I'll ever admit to *that*, thank you very much.) He's the calm within the storm, and my God, the man has the best hair I have ever laid eyes on.
And honestly, I shouldnt be stressing about not being a part of his little playboy fantasy romp. But it bothers me. John surrounded himself with all the people that made him feel good. Sure, Weir wasnt there either (cant say I blame him on that one, she can be a bit of a party pooper) but is that really saying much? Ford was there. I wasnt.
It makes me feel jealous and self conscious in a way I havent encountered since highschool. I mean my God, I'm a grown man. Why am I sitting here buttering myself up for a fall because Sheppard doesnt want me?
Doesnt want me around, I mean. Sheppard didnt want me around. In his fantasy. Not in...oh hell. Who am I kidding?
Everything about that man makes me crazy, and its the most persistant bout of insanity I've ever had. And trust me, I've had them before. I spent three weeks in an institution, because I let a college buddy talk me into taking acid, and I promptly went home and got naked, and began spraying the walls down with the garden hose.
But this...thing, I suppose with Sheppard, its...incredible. The type of incredible I didnt even think was possible until I stepped foot into the Pegasus Galaxy. Samantha is wonderful, and beautiful, and so damned smart, but even she didnt cause this. Carter made me want to argue, and bitch, and then have sex.
John makes me want to actually suceed, and help people.
Look at it this way. I have a very healthy sense of self preservation, and I walked into a giant gaseous energy swallowing entity. Not exactly what one would call prudent, but one look at John's face, and I knew I had to do it.
Not for Atlantis, hell not even for me. For him. I should have known right then and there, that I was so royally screwed, that nothing was going to unscrew me. But I just kept on, blundering into one insanely dangerous situation after another, just caught in the glow of him.
God, I must sound like some kind of love sick teenager. This is pathetic, really. I am capable of so much more than this.
Yet I keep getting stuck on that one fact.
He didnt see me.
END