SquidgeWorld Archive

Drawing Life
by victoriaely

A short red haired woman guided John through endless corridors. He couldn't understand what it was with Earth hospitals. Everything was so complicated, so many people getting in the way... and the smell was awful. If the infirmary in Atlantis had been this way...

"You're quite lucky. He's usually at the university at this time of the day," the woman said.

"Does he have classes there?"

"Not officially, but he goes there quite often. Takes pity in the poor students."

John remembered with a smile how Carson used to help his nurses whenever Rodney was around. The infirmary hadn't been the same since he left. Atlantis hadn't been the same.

They stopped in front of a door. The little engraved piece of metal denoting the room's occupant read "Dr. Carson Beckett, M.D."

"He didn't want to have a secretary. He said he wasn't used to having one," the woman explained. "It's quite unusual for the hospital director not to have a secretary, but... who am I to judge?" She gently knocked on the door. After waiting for an answer for a few seconds, she explained, "He's usually very absorbed by what he's doing and doesn't answer." She knocked one more time and opened the door.

Carson was sitting at a large desk, reading something and taking notes. The six years that had passed had left no mark on him. Carson was just as John remembered him.

"Dr. Beckett, there's someone here to see you," the woman said.

Carson raised his eyes from the papers in front of him and saw John. He thanked the woman, who left the office, and then looked expectantly at John.

"Hello, Carson."

"Hullo." His voice was even, and John didn't know what to make of it. He carefully sat on the chair that was placed in front of Carson's desk, forming his next sentence. The cold reception wasn't what he had expected. He and Carson hadn't parted in the best conditions and they hadn't spoken for six years, but still...

"I came to Earth and I thought I might stop by."

Carson didn't answer, but John knew what he was thinking. They had only been together for a month, but he knew the Scot better than anybody else. "I... missed you."

Carson shook his head, "John, after all this time, you should have known -"

"Listen, I'm sorry. I don't know what I said that upset you. I didn't expect you to leave like that," John blurted.

"You told me to get the hell out of your life." Carson paused for a few seconds, looking at him. "Those were the exact words you used, John, and before you tell me about all the things you said without meaning them, know that I thought a lot about it. Before and after I decided to leave."

John slumped his shoulders and sighed. Time must have passed slower for Carson, without the Wraith and the Genii and everything else that the Pegasus galaxy threw at them, but John knew he couldn't have changed that much.

A beeping sound made both men look up. Carson mumbled something which John couldn't quite understand, but he was obviously about to leave, as he was picking up his coat.

"May I come?" John asked, rising from the chair.

Carson looked at him, weighing the options. "Where are you staying?"

"Um... nowhere. I left my case at the reception."

Carson shook his head and invited John to follow. As Carson was locking the office door, John studied him carefully. The doctor hadn't changed physically, but there were little things about the way he moved, his gestures, that worried him. There was nothing really wrong, but something was different.

John followed him through the corridors, trying to keep up with him. "Are we in a hurry?"

"Aye. Traffic's awful this time of the day." They stopped at the reception and John took his suitcase, listening to the conversation between Carson and the woman there. He told her what needed to be done with one of the medical scanners and she was listening carefully. Without shouting or being bossy, Carson managed to win the respect of everyone he came in contact with. The conversation ended and Carson smiled, waving goodbye to a doctor he spotted on the other side of the room. As stupid as it was, John was jealous. Carson hadn't smiled at him, and he... he had been his lover.

They quietly got into Carson's car and listened to the music playing in the radio. Glasgow seemed ok as far as Earth cities went. "How's your mom?" John asked, hoping that Carson would open up a bit.

The Scot opened his mouth to respond, but stopped. He looked at John and said with sadness in his voice, "She died. Two months after I came back."

"I'm sorry," John said. He wanted to touch him, to comfort him, but it was a bit too late.

John didn't say anything until Carson parked his car in front of a school... or a kindergarten. John looked expectantly at him.

"You can wait in the car if you want, but I don't know how long it will take." House call. John sighed, relieved. "May I come?"

"Sure. Just... nothing." Carson walked ahead of him, stopping under an old oak tree. They watched the kids get out of the small building. Some of them were running, others walking away sad. A few of them said 'Hi' to Carson and John knew this wasn't about Carson's job.

A small curly-haired girl came towards them, a wide smile on her face. She reached out with her right hand and Carson took it in his.

"Hullo, da'."

"Hullo, love. This is John." The small girl smiled at him and said simply, "I'm Alex. Alexandra Beckett."

John looked at the small girl, too shocked to speak. He had expected to find Carson changed, but a daughter... For a few moments he had thought... hoped that she was adopted, but looking at the little girl, it was obvious that she was his - she had his eyes, his smile. They walked back to the car in silence, John looking at the two of them from time to time. It was obvious that this was a routine for them, that every day Carson came to pick her up and then go home.

Carson drove for about fifteen minutes before stopping in front of a medium-sized house. He took John's suitcase from the car trunk and gestured towards the entrance of the house. John walked in cautiously, waiting to see who would greet them. It was really odd, trying to imagine Carson's wife and her reaction when meeting him. Maybe Carson hadn’t mentioned him, not even as a friend.

When they were inside, Carson put the suitcase down and Alex rushed to her room upstairs.

"Is everything okay?" John asked, not knowing how to interpret the girl's actions.

"She doesn't like kindergarten that much... she's bored and the teachers don't try too hard. I'm trying to get her to another one, for gifted kids like her, but it takes time. Until then, I go pick her up after work as soon as I can. Come, the guestroom is upstairs."

John looked around, still expecting a woman's voice to welcome Carson home.
With a sad voice, Carson said, "There's no one else. Just Alex and I live here." John decided to ask about that later, when Carson was ready to talk about it, because right now he seemed too lost in painful memories.

After helping John settle in, Carson walked down the hall to Alex's room and John could hear them talking. Carson would ask something and Alex would answer, talking fast, clearly upset about what she was describing. A few minutes later, Carson left his daughter's room and knocked on John's door.

"Lunch will be ready in about ten minutes," he sad evenly, without looking at John.

"Carson, if I'm... intruding, I can leave. When I came here, I didn't expect to find you with... I can leave if you want me to."

Carson bowed his head and sat down on the bed. "I told you about the kindergarten... her teacher told her that she's a 'problem child'... in front of all the other kids." Carson was clearly upset about this, probably blaming himself for not being able to offer her more. "She's smart, John. She can read, write, she has an incredible memory. She's a wonderful kid and the teachers don't know how to treat her, so they leave her out. There's nothing I can do." He sighed, staring at the floor. "Lunch in ten minutes." Carson rose from the bed and left the room, heading for the kitchen downstairs.

The room was painfully silent and John wondered if staying was the best thing to do. Carson was a good dad, he was absolutely certain of it, but something was wrong. His thoughts were interrupted by someone rushing down the stairs. John smiled, following Alex to the kitchen.

Carson presented them with a rather strange looking soup, to which Alex objected, grumpily.

"Until you're fully recovered from that cold you had, you must eat healthy food," Carson gently admonished her. Seeing that John was about to complain as well, he added, "There's nothing else, John. If Alex has to eat it, we'll eat it as well. "

They started eating the soup in silence. It was quite interesting, John could distinguish every type of vegetable known to mankind in it, and then some he’d never seen before. It tasted a bit better than the de-frozen MREs he was used to eating.

"Do you like dad's soup?" Alex asked, looking at him with her bright blue eyes.

"Umm... it's okay. I've eaten worse things than this."

The little girl sighed, disappointed that she couldn't find an ally and continued moving the vegetables in her bowl. Carson stopped eating and glared at her, "It won't disappear, you know."

"I know. I like the way you cook, but did you really have to put *all* the vegetables you could find in here?" Alex asked, a pout on her face.

Unfortunately for him, John couldn't hold back his laughter and Carson's glare was directed at him this time.

"What will I do with the two of you?" Carson asked, feigning frustration.

Alex grinned and set her spoon in the bowl. "We had an early lunch at kindergarten. Mashed potatoes and meat... some meat." Carson sighed and took their bowls, piling them up in the sink. "What would you like to have for dinner?"

Alex considered the options for a few moments, then turned to John and asked, "Will you stay for dinner?"

John was amazed that she’d thought of asking him. Most of the grown-ups he knew wouldn't have shown that much consideration. "Yeah, I will."

"Then you should decide. You're our guest," she said, a smile on her face.

John looked from Alex to Carson, not knowing what to say. It had been so long since he had been part of a relationship, that he had forgotten what it was like to have someone ask you something like that. "I've never eaten something cooked by Carson, so I don't really know what to... decide."

"You haven't? Oh, you should try dad's steak, and his peas and..."

"I think I'll find something that both of you will like, if you don't have any preferences."

"I know! Pizza!" John was fascinated by the way the little calm girl he met at the kindergarten had become so lively. She was almost bouncing on her chair, just thinking about dinner.

"Pizza it is, then," Carson announced, taking a quick look in the fridge.

"I've been to every pizzeria in the city, but none had pizzas as good as the ones dad makes. You'll see," she happily told John.

He wondered if she was this open with everyone she came in contact with, but considering what Carson had told him about her teachers, it was quite unlikely. She obviously loved Carson a lot, and trusted him completely.

"Off to bed now, love."

"Okay. Bye, John."

John smiled and waved goodbye, looking questioningly at Carson.

"It's her afternoon nap. She needs rest after all the energy she spends doing... everything," Carson said, washing the dishes.

"Can I help?"

"No, it'll be just a minute."

"She's a great kid. Is she usually happy like this?" John knew that maybe it was the wrong thing to ask, or the wrong time, but if anyone could graciously avoid answering a question, it was Carson.

"No," Carson answered, sitting down at the table. "We're not very... we don't have many friends. A man and a five year old girl can't socialize that well. You're the first person to stay over in a long time. Too long." Carson obviously felt guilty about it. "Most people treat her like she's a small, silly kid, and I can't stand it. I know that she should know ore people, but she should know people who deserve to know her." He looked up at John and asked quietly, "Does this make any sense?"

"Yes, it does." John took Carson's hands in his own and enjoyed the warmth of Carson's skin on his.

"John, I..." Carson looked at him pleading, and John let go of his hands.

"I just want to help. If I can do anything..."

"I don't suppose you can turn back time..." Carson smiled sadly and rose from the table. "Come, I'll tell you the story."

John followed him to the living room, curious and afraid at the same time. Alex's mother wasn't part of their lives and he didn't want Carson to relive the pain of the break-up.

"When I came back, I used to go out, to different concerts, to pass the time and feel like a social being again. One day, I met an amazing woman - Sheryl. She played the piano and she was... amazing." He smiled, remembering. "We talked for a while and I asked her out. Still can’t believe I had the guts to do it, but I did, and it was wonderful. It was like I knew her so well, we understood each other so well..." Carson stopped for a few moments, trying to gather up the strength to go on. "I was working here and couldn't quit my job to follow her in her concert tour, so we were apart for a while. One day, when she was supposed to be in Sydney, she knocked on my door, came in, dropped her bags and kissed me. I was so shocked, I couldn't say a thing. She said that music didn't mean a thing if you didn't have someone to play it for. We got married two months after that and Alex was born a few months later." Carson stopped, went to the cupboard and took two glasses and a bottle of whiskey. He poured some of the clear liquid in both glasses and offered one to John. "Alex was a happy baby. She would look at something and giggle, and we would sometimes just sit by her side and look at her. But there were times when she cried, and her little body shook and... The only thing that could calm her was me holding her." Carson stopped again, his words shakier as he relived that night's events. "We were supposed to visit Sheryl's parents, we were already late, it was raining and Alex was crying, so I took her in my arms and... Sheryl drove, I was holding Alex on the back seat, and another driver didn't see us... he was drunk." Carson bowed his head, tears slowly falling on his cheeks.

"I'm sorry." John heard his words as if spoken by someone else. He was sorry, Carson deserved to be happy, and as much as he would have despised any woman for leaving Carson behind, unhappy, it would have been so much better than death. He took Carson in his arms, trying to comfort him, but the man was too far away to register anything.

After a few minutes, Carson’s crying eased and he continued, "I'm sorry. I never spoke about this to anyone... always left it to others to explain what happened."

"It's okay, just calm down." John held him close, waiting for the trembling to stop.

"I woke up three days afterwards. Alex was unharmed. Considering the way the car looked, it was quite a miracle."

"How were you?" John asked gently.

"Well... physiotherapy helped, and some stubborn friends." Carson looked at him, as if trying to make up his mind. "One stubborn friend. Rodney came to Earth a week after the crash. He didn't know anything about it, of course, but when he came to Scotland to visit, he found out." John felt betrayed by both of them for not telling him anything, but so much time had passed, now wasn't the time for reproaches. "He was the only one who could stand me. Rodney took care of Alex when I was too tired to move, kept me going through physio..."

"It must have been tough on you," John said. Carson's voice was calmer now and John knew the Scot would never complain, always the brave one for the others around him.

"We managed."

"How does Rodney get along with Alex?"

"Oh, great." Carson smiled, and for the first time in six years, John saw his warm, full-hearted smile. "They talk a lot. She even rendered him speechless a few times." John tried to imagine Rodney and Alex together. The girl was smart, funny, probably the smartest kid Rodney had ever met. John wished it had been him instead of Rodney, that he had been there to help Carson and his daughter, that he had played with her and maybe taught her how to swim, or ride the bicycle, that Carson's daughter didn't love Rodney more than him.

Carson moved, gently removing himself from John's embrace and went to the small table on the other side of the room. He picked up a small photo album and gave it to John, "We don't have too many pictures, Sheryl said they can't capture a moment as well as memories can." He sat down beside John and opened the album. "It's strange, how I can remember every thing about her, not just moments. When I look at a woman walking, I remember how she used to walk, when I see someone sign a paper I remember how she used to write, sign autographs."

There was something in the way Carson spoke that made John know he felt guilty. "Carson, it's not your fault. Of all the things in the world, you can't blame yourself for this."

"I know. It's just that sometimes I feel I stole something from her. She was brilliant... she could have been so much more -"

"She chose you." John paused, looking into Carson's blue eyes.

"I can't stop thinking that I should have been the one to drive."

"You can't know for sure you would've avoided the accident."

"Even so." John suddenly understood. Carson felt guilty for being the one to survive. He had seen it before, in so many situations, but the thought that Carson, his Carson felt that way angered him.

"Don't ever think that, Carson." He grabbed his shoulders and gently shook him. "You were happy, with Alex, in the kitchen. Or was that just an act?"

"No," Carson said defensively and tried to move away from him. "I just... I don't know what to do. I can't go on like this, working all day and falling apart at night. It's just... too much for me."

"Carson, you've done great so far. Alex is happy, I'm sure she is, and..." There was so much sadness in Carson's face, that he felt no words could comfort him.

"I'm not suicidal or anything, just... don't know why it had to go so terribly wrong. I'll be okay, I'll just need a moment." The man in front of him was, more than anything, alone.

"Carson, if you've felt this way -"

"Of course I have, it's just that there wasn't anybody around to listen to me and... just leave it."

"No, please. I'm here. Don't dismiss me like I'm just some acquaintance. I know you Carson, I know how much you're willing to give for others and I know you're strong enough to get through this. I think you already did, but you're too caught up in the past to realize it." Carson just stared at him, not understanding what John's point was. "Remember Hoff? It haunted you until Michael came along. There's always something haunting you, Carson, and if you don't let go... You can't fix everything. You're only human, Carson." John stopped, letting his words sink in.

"That's exactly what Rodney said."

"You should have listened to him," John said simply. "You're the best man I have ever known, Carson, and it hurts to see you put yourself through this." Carson looked at him, confused. John knew he should have said these words the night after their fight. He never should have asked Carson to leave, he probably shouldn't have asked him out in the first place. Carson was just fine before he came along to ruin his life.

Carson rose and went to a big armchair by the window. There was a small table by its side, full of books and medical journals. He sat down, braced his knees and stared out of the window. It was strange to see him like that, but he wasn't running away. He was still fighting.

John looked at the pictures, one by one revealing the story that Carson had already unfolded. Carson's wife had been a beautiful woman, not only through her physical features, but also the warmth that seemed to be a part of her. In every picture they were together, Carson seemed incredibly happy. All the worries, the pain, the tragedies that had marked his stay in the Pegasus were erased, his bright smile mirrored her own.

One second and it was all gone. John wondered how Rodney had managed to keep it inside him, how he managed to help Carson through what must have been the hardest time of his life. Despite all his social flaws and mistakes, Rodney was a better friend than himself. Carson looked so lonely, curled up in that armchair, he looked almost abandoned. John knew he should comfort him, but he couldn't find the right words, couldn't find the right gestures.

They sat in silence, each on his side of the room, on his side of pain.

~*~

John heard Alex's footsteps on the stairs and looked at Carson. He slowly rose from the armchair and greeted the girl at the living room's entrance.

"Slept well?"

"Aye." John remembered fondly how that one word meant more to him than any other approval word ever spoken. Carson kissed Alex and she joined John in the living room, while Carson went to the kitchen. Alex hopped up in the armchair previously occupied by Carson and took one of his medicine books, searching for something inside it.

After a few moments, she took a sheet of paper and asked John, almost whispering, "Can you draw?"

John took one of the chairs and moved it by the armchair and nodded. "A little. What have you got there?"

Alex handed the paper and he was amazed to see the perfect drawing of a little Teddy-bear. He looked at her puzzled, "Did you do this?"

"Aye, but there's something missing. See, his nose... it's not right."

John stared at it, still amazed at the precision of the drawing. "I think it's perfect."

She twitched her nose in the funniest way and said, "Dad will understand." From that moment, John loved Alex unconditionally. Those three words made him realise that Carson was okay and he was going to be okay. He watched her go to the kitchen, heard her ask Carson if he had a few minutes and saw her coming back holding two glasses of juice.

Carson came in and John gave up his seat, leaving the two to work on the Teddy-bear drawing, slowly sipping the orange juice Alex had offered.

end