Work Text:
A Scout's Journal
Keep out. Strictly private and off-limits.
Any prying in said journal will result in loss of limbs. You have been warned ...
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Day 1
Argument with Arthur. How the hell's that man meant to command with only 2 braincells to rub together, beats the crap out of me. Went scouting.
Apples eaten: 6 (not so good).
Woads encountered on journey: 9 - wish there'd been more. Woads killed instantly: 7 (not bad, must try harder). Woads fatally wounded: 2 - have room for improvement ...
Amount of times Hawk crapped on Lancelot today: 1/5 ... Damn useless bird ! Aim well off, though it did manage to get a strike on Arthur's shoulder, so I can't really stay mad at it.
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Day 3
Still scouting - if I stay at the fort any longer, I will end up introducing Commander Dimwit to something extremely sharp 'n' pointy ! Uneventful patrol.
Apples eaten: 9 (better).
Woads encountered on journey: 5. Woads killed instantly: 5 - vast improvement. Yay, me !
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Day 8
Back at fort. Bored rigid. Ended up at the archery range. Attempted to improve Bors' skills with a bow. He could be very good, IF he concentrated more ... Unfortunately, his concentration's shot to pieces these days. Women trouble. Thank gods for Dagonet, I say ... Oh ! That reminds me ...
Times Dag & I snuck off for a "chat" today: 4 - could be better, but Bors kept making demands on Dag's time. That's my job, godsdammit ! Bloody Bors !
Times I've been able to wind up the Whelp today, without even trying: 8 - really quite pleased with that.
Amount of times Hawk has crapped on Lancelot today: 3/5 - much better ...
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Day 13
Still at fort. Had hoped for another patrol, but oh, no ... Arseorius thought Safir would be better off patrolling than yours truly. As if ! I sometimes wonder if Commander Clueless actually had a fully functioning brain, he'd be dangerous ... Huh ! We should be so godsdamned lucky !
Apples eaten: 3 ! Three, I ask you ... Almost as bad as going cold turkey. Will need to stock up on my beloved apples ASAP or I won't be responsible for my actions ...
Went off to the archery range for a bit of target practice.
Targets aimed for: 50. Targets struck: 50. Bullseye struck: 49.
Am seriously off my game, thanks to lack of concentration due to having to ration my daily apple intake. Definitely NOT happy ...
Amount of times Hawk has crapped on Lancelot today: 2.
Amount of times Hawk has crapped on innocent parties today (namely, me): 1
Amount of times I was sorely tempted to throttle said Hawk: 1 - soon stopped by Healer pointing out that said bird was poorly and that it'd been an accident. Dag did have a point as poor Hawk did look rather peaky. Must've had a couple of bad mice ...
Amount of times I managed to wind up Whelp today: 0/4 ! Must be losing my touch. Seriously need to get some more practice in ...
Amount of times said Whelp managed to piss me off today: 4/4 ... What the f*$- ...? Am definitely losing my touch ...
Amount of times I was sorely tempted to eviscerate said Whelp: 4/4
Amount of times Dag successfully "persuaded" me not to eviscerate said Whelp: 4/4. Well, what can I say ? The man's pretty damn good at "persuading" and has a talent for distraction !
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Day 15
Oh, the pain ... the agony ... the sheer torment of it ... In the end it got too much. Just couldn't hold on any longer. Was forced to eat my last apple this morning. Have no idea how I'm going to cope. Desperately need more. If I don't get any more apples soon, then ... then I'll just go mad ...
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Day 16
Second apple-less day.
Ye gods ! This is killing me ... If I don't get my hands on any apples soon, am going to be rather testy. Will try to have a scout around Van's kitchen at some point today. If I'm lucky, I may be able to pinch some - just to keep me going, until I'm able to get some more.
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Day 17
Third apple-less day.
Just been released from the valetudinarium. Bloody hell ! Van has a mean right hook ... That's the trouble when you're going through withdrawal. It makes you careless. Makes you obsessed. So obsessed that you fail to take note of your surroundings. No wonder Van was able to sneak up and knock me out as I filled up my saddlebags with apples ... Swear she dislocated my jaw ...
Anyway, we've come to an understanding. I keep her kitchen regularly stocked with fresh game in return for her silence and forgiveness. Sounds like a fair deal to me ... Think I may have got off lightly there ... and for that I'm truly grateful. Bors' woman can be one frightening wench when the mood strikes her - not that I'd ever admit it out loud, mind ...
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Day 23
Stupid, stupid, stupid Arseorius ... Swear that man's living on borrowed time. The way I feel right now, the idiot's damn lucky he has enough time left to borrow ! It beggars all belief that a man as intelligent as Uther P. ever spawned such a ... such a ... aagh ! Honestly, there are times I truly despair.
Am beginning to think maybe we would be better off with Bors in charge of the garrison. Minus Dag as his royal arse-kisser. If Dag's going to do any arse-kissing it's damn well going to be mine ... and mine alone. Godsdamnit !
Anyway, am seriously hacked off. Had a couple of days off and hoped for some quality time alone with Dag and what does Birdbrain of Britain decide ? He thinks now's a good time to send Dag and Bors off on patrol for a couple of days. It's not a good thing to come between an Aorsi Scout going through withdrawal and his apples, or his precious Healer ...
Am off to the tavern to share a pitcher or two with Gawain and to get seriously bladdered - before I start convincing myself that Artie'd look vastly improved with his innards wrapped around his neck like a scarf !
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Day 24
Have the hangover from hell this morning !
What really ticks me off is that Gawain drank the same amount and is none the worse ... Lucky sod ! My head feels like a bloody bucket. What would I give for one of Dag's "kill or cure" hangover remedies right now ... Hell ! What am I thinking ? Must be bad if I'm considering taking one of those ... No offence, Dag ...
The good thing about last night's piss-up with Gawain, is that he mentioned he knew of a new apple supplier at the fort. So, once my head's stopped thumping and I'm able to string some words together coherently, like "How much for a standing order of your finest apples ?" I'll be there faster than a stoat down a rabbit hole.
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Day 25
Apple eaten: 8. And it isn't even mid-morning yet. Feel almost like my old self now. Almost, but not quite ...
Amount of times I managed to wind up the Whelp so far today: 3/3. Damn ! Even if I do say so myself, I'm good ... Bloody good, in fact. Shows what you can do when you have the right motivation.
Number of rabbits caught for Van's pot: 6. Number of pheasants caught: 5 braces. Sundries caught:1 boar; 5 trout ...
Well, what can I say ? Gawain and I got bored hanging around for Arthur to pull his head out of his arse, so we sneaked off and got a bit of fishing done ... Result ? One rather feisty, yet happy, Vanora.
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Day 27
Bored. Bored. Bored. BORED !
Stupid, incompetent Roman nitwit ! Still won't give me patrol duty. Am slowly going off my head and not in a good way. If I don't get to patrol soon, will end up doing some serious damage. It doesn't help that Dag and Bors are off enjoying themselves in the great outdoors and I'm stuck here, bored out of my frigging skull ! Why can't the blasted fool see that a bored Scout is an unpredictable Scout ? And a dangerous one ? Oh, I forgot ... It's because the man's a blind, Roman IMBECILE !
Alright, if that's how Arthur wants to play it, looks like I'll have to make my own amusement ...
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Day 28
It's amazing what you'll do when you're bored and want something to pass the time. If Commander Piously Perfect hadn't been so ... er, pigheaded about patrol duty yesterday, then I wouldn't have been left to my own devices. He only had himself to blame ... Not my fault if I got slightly carried away, is it ?
Anyway, ended up rather too busy to enter everything I did yesterday, so will enter it here for posterity and so that I can have a damn good laugh whenever I fancy one:
Apples eaten: 14. I know, got carried away, rather like Bor- er ... sorry, a boar at a trough !
Amount of times Gawain and I managed to successfully sneak out of fort to go fishing: 2. Successfully caught Van a couple more large trout. Think she may be softening towards me now, after that unfortunate "incident" over those apples ...
Woads encountered on journey: 7. Woads killed outright on journey: 7
Woads killed by me: 7 - thanks to Gawain's bowstring snapping. Had warned him to keep it regularly waxed, but would the daft prat listen to me ? Did he buggery !
Amount of times I managed to wind up the Whelp today: 3/3. Little sod's been avoiding me ! No matter, there's always tomorrow ...
Amount of times I succeeded in making Gawain jealous of my hair: 1/1. All those unnecessary products he insists on wasting his coin on and my mane's still in better condition than his. Although, what he doesn't know and I'm not about to tell him, is that my Dag's made this really good hair "thing" that I use twice a week. Really brings out the shine and removes all tangles ...
Inventory of weapons arsenal made: 1
Total of weapons owned:1 dao; 2 boot knives (plus 2 spares); 2 daggers; 4 hunting knives; 3 whetstones - vital, you can never have too many of them; 2 bows (one horse bow and one long bow); 2 quivers containing 50 arrows each - will need to stock up as running pretty low of them.
Gawain claims my arsenal is rather like overkill. Me ? I call it being prepared for all eventualities ...
Managed to spend some time training Hawk some useful manoeuvres. It picked them up very quickly, which really goes to prove that the only Birdbrain at our fort is our "esteemed" leader !
Amount of times Hawk crapped on certain not-so-bright fort leaders today: 4/4. Clever, clever bird. Am so proud of my little, flying devil right now, that I could smile ...
Amount of times Hawk crapped on arrogantly vain, SIC, Lancelot today: 9/9. Result !
Will have to find some method to reward my beautiful, bright, precious Hawk for making me and Gawain smirk continuously for most of the day ... I love my Hawk. Probably more than I love apples and scouting. Though not half as much as I love my Healer ...
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Would write a bit more, but just heard my Dag's arrived back safe and well, with Bors in tow.
Somehow, the Gobby One's managed to get himself shot in the arse with an arrow and is cursing up a storm. This, I've got to see as I could do with a good laugh ... Am surprized it's not happened before now really. After all, considering the size of Bors' ample backside, how could anyone easily miss it ? Anyway, going to track the pair of them down, so I'll be able to write a true account of our prize-fighter's arse being used as a bullseye !
Later !
T.