SquidgeWorld Archive

BAD HAIR DAZE

"Uh, since when did Farrah Fawcett-Majors start working here?"

"Oh cool, it's one of Charlie's FUGLY angels!"

"Yeah, one that ya don't wanna see bouncing around in a string bikini."

"Would they make a bikini that small?"

"Nah, they'd just tape some kite string to a set of band-aids…"

"And not a regular band-aid either, it'd be one of those little dot band-aids because let's face it, there's not much to cover up, if ya know what I mean."

"Chet, don't go there, I'm warnin' you."

"Aw, you're repeating what you hear on your dates, how sweet."

"Nah, it's not 'don't go there', it's 'is that IT?'"

"Nah, it's 'get me some pepper and a magnifying glass!'"

"Nah, it's 'gee, Johnny, I knew you liked horses but I didn't realize you were into geldings.'"

"I hate you guys, you know that?"

"Roll call in fi…Gage, what the hell? Why are you wearing a dead muskrat on your head?"

"Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam…"

"Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land…"

"And they shimmy…"

"Johnny's so skinny."

"It's 'Sammy's so skinny', not 'Johnny's so…"

"I know it, I was improvising, you idiot."

"Well, I hope your improvisation isn't contagious."

"Yeah, keep your rockin' pneumonia and your boogie woogie flu to yourself, Kelly."

"Even scarier is the fact that we seem to know the lyrics to 'Muskrat Love'."

"Ugh, I hate that song, the muskrats sound like someone farting in a bathtub."

"Speaking from personal experience as far as farting in bathtubs, Chet?"

"Yeah, should we start calling you Mr. Bubble?"

"Oh come on, you mean to tell me none of you have ever farted in a bathtub while taking a bath?"

"Muskrats, bathtub farts, the size of Johnny's…eh…manhood, none of this explains why Gage looks like Vidal Sassoon attacked him with a curling iron."

"And won, too."

"Like that'd be hard to do…hell, look at Gage, he couldn't hold his own against my ninety year old grandma."

"Hell, he couldn't hold his own against a good stiff wind."

"His hair might, though. It looks pretty shellacked."

"Gage, you're not going to be flammable at a fire scene, are you?"

"Oh, wouldn't that be cool? Johnny the human torch."

"Hey, I'd pay to see that."

"Chet, you'd pay to see cockroaches mating…"

"Johnny, you shouldn't talk about your family that way."

"Gage, I'm serious. Do I need to worry about your hair catching on fire at a fire scene?"

"Better worry if he can even get his helmet on over that mess."

"Yeah, a fat head and fat hair don't mix too well."

"Neither does a fat lip, Kelly."

"Gage, I'm waiting."

"Nah, I'll be okay, Cap. This is just a new look I'm tryin' out, that's all. Guys wear their hair feathered nowadays, ya know."

"Only if you're David or Shaun Cassidy."

"Hey, can you sing 'Da Doo Ron Ron' or 'I Think I Love You'?"

"Better yet, do you have a psychedelic school bus or can you solve mysteries?"

"Yeah, solve THIS mystery…where did your Prince Valiant haircut go?"

"Nah, where did his good taste go?"

"Did he even ever HAVE good taste?"

"Yeah, let's not forget those horrible windowpane pants he wore."

"And this is coming from the man who invented Human Fly Shoes."

"Hey, at least my invention had promise, your pants were just sad examples of why men shouldn't shop on their own for their clothing."

"Wait, you're a guy, so who does YOUR shopping, Kelly?"

"His mommy, that's who."

"Hey, I DO have a girlfriend, ya know."

"Chet, I keep tellin' ya that Bonnie Snot and the Five Little Nosepickers are not your girlfriend."

"Yeah, you can't date your hand, Chet."

"Okay, enough jibber-jabber, you twits, get to roll call."

"Hey, look, one of the Bradys escaped and is working here at Station 51! Which one are you, Peter, Greg, or Mike?"

"Well, at least he's not Alice the housekeeper, right?"

"Yeah, I don't think he could pull off a beehive very well, his neck's too skinny and his head would be flopping all around."

"Man, Johnny, you're the first Native American I've seen with a full afro! Is it a political statement of some sort?"

"Yeah, it's called 'I'm with stupid.'"

"That's fitting because Chet, you ARE stupid."

"Hey, at least my curls are natural and not the result of a Toni manperm gone seriously wrong. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Wait, how did I think of a commercial tagline from in the future?"

"Chet's channeling that Freida chick from the Peanuts comic."

"Well, Johnny's channeling Woodstock, so that's cool."

"Wait, Woodstock the bird or Woodstock the groovy swinging concert?"

"Who uses the terms 'groovy' and 'swinging' nowadays?"

"Someone seriously out of touch with reality, that's who."

"Hey, hey, hey, it's Faaaat Johnny!"

"That's a really bad Cosby impression, Stoker."

"Yeah, one of the few times you actually speak and you come up with THAT?"

"Oh, you should hear his Scooby-Doo impression, it's much better. Stoker, do your Scooby impression."

"Rut roh."

"That's IT? Just 'rut roh'?"

"Hey, I don't have my cue cards today, so gimme a break!"

"Roll call in fi…Gage, NOW what's going on with your hair?"

"Johnny was flat until he went fluffy!"

"Brillo called, they want you to stop infringing on their copyright."

"Hey, can I use his head to clean the latrines today, Cap?"

"He looks kinda like the lambs at the petting zoo, ya know?"

"Well, that fits just fine, he's as dumb as a sheep."

"Smells like one, too."

"Chet, that's YOU that smells like a sheep."

"Nah, I smell like Irish Spring."

"Oh, don't get him started on the Irish stuff, next thing he'll be doing is…"

"Aye, they're after me lucky charms!"

"His Lucky the Leprechaun impression."

"Chet, no one wants your lucky charms, trust me."

"That's not what your momma said."

"You leave my mommy out of this!"

"Guys, ixnay on Marco's omma-may, remember how he tried to strangle Chet with his rosary beads when Chet did that 'your momma's so fat that when she sat on a penny, Lincoln screamed for mercy' joke."

"Those were his rosary beads? I thought it was just a really cool kick-ass necklace."

"Why did that Billy Joel song pop into my head just now?"

"What Billy Joel song, that one that sounds like a commercial for women's vitamins?"

"Nah, the one where he sings about counting on the rosary."

"Wait, I thought he was singing about counting on your ovaries."

"What do ovaries have to do with vitamins?"

"Better yet, what do ovaries have to do with Billy Joel?"

"Yeah, it's not like he actually HAS any, ya know?"

"Yeah, so why would he be singing about counting on them?"

"I think you need your hearing tested, Johnny. Over Christmas, you swore that in that song about the little drummer boy, the line went 'Mary farted', not 'Mary nodded'."

"Hey, if you think about it, it makes sense that Mary farted because of all that rum-pah-pum-pumming going on around her. Plus, they were in a BARN."

"Manger, they were in a manger."

"Barn, manger, tomato, tomah-to, same thing."

"Mangers are smaller."

"Yeah, but they had goats and sheep and donkeys around, and trust me, those animals can fart like crazy. It's a wonder they didn't blow Baby Jesus back to kingdom come."

"That's only if you light 'em, idiot."

"The animals? Why would you want to set the animals on fire?"

"No, you don't set the animals on fire, you set their farts on fire."

"I can tell ya I wouldn't wanna be standin' behind no donkey if it blew, that's for sure."

"Why does roll call always evolve into a discussion about farts? Why can't we discuss something more mature, like…"

"Billy Joel singing about ovaries?"

"No, something civilized, like…like…tea caddies or waltzes."

"Wait, you want to talk about…what the hell's a tea caddy?"

"I've heard of golf caddies, but yeah Cap, what's a tea caddy?"

"It's…oh, never mind. Gage, are you going to be able to wear a helmet over your…um…hairdo?"

"Yeah, it's just a little…uh…"

"Frizzy?"

"Fluffy?"

"Looks like he glued Fifi the wonder poodle to his head?"

"I was gonna go with frizzy, but Fifi the wonder poodle works just as well."

"Hey, can your hair play fetch?"

"Yeah, you're not gonna start chasing the fire engine and barking, are you?"

"Let's hope he's housebroken."

"I just hope he doesn't hump my leg or sniff my crotch."

"Like anyone would wanna hump your leg or sniff your crotch, Chet."

"That's not what your momma sa…"

"ROLL CALL!"

"Aw man, I had a whole bunch of 'yo' momma' jokes."

"And not a single one of 'em any good, either."

"Yeah, Don Rickles called, he wants his schtick back. Wait, that's not Rickles who does that..."

"Oh yeah? Well, Phyllis Diller called and she wants her hair back."

"At least he's not channeling Jackie Mason."

"Or Jonathan Winters."

"Mork from Ork."

"Buddy Hackett singing Shipoopi."

"Wait, where does that fit in?"

"I dunno, I told you, I don't have my cue cards today."

"Of all the twits in the world that I get stuck working with, I get a combo of the Marx Brothers and the Three Stooges."

"Oh brother, now Johnny really IS channeling Woodstock."

"The bird or the..."

"The bird, not the concert."

"Hey, if he WAS channeling the concert, I wonder if we can get that Melanie chick to sing 'Lay Down' for us?"

"Lay down, lay down, lay it all down, let your white birds smile up, at the ones who stand and frown..."

"Thank you for that, now I'll have that annoying song going through my head for the rest of the day."

"Gage, why are you wearing a mohawk?"

"You look like Fred, Baretta's bird."

"Nah, Fred's much cuter."

"And way more intelligent, too."

"I'm betting if I threw bread on the ground, Johnny'd peck at it."

"Better hope he can't get up on a wire and poop on your windshield, Chet."

"Johnny, did you electrocute yourself or something? Your hair is standing on end."

"Uh, no, Cap, this is a mohawk. It's...um...a style worn by punk rockers."

"Punk rockers?"

"Yeah, like the Ramones, Iggy Pop and the Stooges, the Sex Pistols..."

"The Sex Pistols?"

"Yeah, what Johnny is definitely NOT."

"You know, I long for the good old days when Elvis and his pelvis were the only threats to music. And bands had normal names, like the Drifters and the Teddy Bears."

"Aw, I had a relevant Phil Spector joke to insert there but I forgot it."

"Cheer up, Cap, there's a Lawrence Welk marathon on public television tonight, we'll let you watch it."

"So Johnny, what are you using to hold that hairstyle up, Elmer's Glue?"

"Aw, I had a good 'There's Something About Mary' joke to make, but I forgot it."

"Actually it wasn't as much you forgot it as the writer is trying to keep this T-rated."

"That, too."

"Even more important, will it wash out? Because there is NO WAY IN HELL I am letting you out in uniform in THAT kind of hairstyle. You can't wear a helmet over that kind of hairdo and plus the fire department DOES have an image to uphold."

"That doesn't explain why they hired Chet, then."

"That doesn't explain why they hired someone who has to rely on cue cards all the time, too."

"Hey, I have to be on here, I'm the only one qualified to drive the fire engine."

"Oh, look at you, Mr. Big Shot Fire Engine Driver."

"Hey, he's Slow-Motion Walter, Fire Engine Guy."

"Wait, what?"

"You know, from that Deep Purple song about the fire engine guy? Sloooo motion Walter, fire engine guy..."

"I think you mean 'Smoke on the water, fire in the sky'."

"Johnny, you didn't answer me. Can you wash that junk out of your hair?"

"Yeah, it'll wash out. I think. If not, do we have any acetone or other solvents on hand?"

"Hey, I call dibs on him if he turns into the human barbecue at a fire scene!"

"Ugh, cannibal much?"

"Guys, stop using modern phrases, you're making my head hurt."

"And that's different from any other day how?"

"Oh my god, NOW what did you do to your hair? It's…it's…"

"BLONDE."

"Well, not as much blonde as it is…uh…"

"ORANGE."

"And not just any orange, Johnny looks like he could get a job as a traffic cone. Which fits, he's a Conehead, but just not as funny as one."

"And why don't you go play in traffic, Chet?"

"You know, this…this is not a good look for you, Junior. This color, it…"

"Washes you out. You're an Autumn and this shade clashes with your skin tone."

"Wait, what the hell? What's an Autumn? Furthermore, how do you know anything about skin tone and hair color, Chet?"

"I…uh…well, I was getting the oil changed in my car the other day and I'd already read the Field & Stream and Popular Mechanics magazines, so I kinda maybe mighta sorta picked up a Cosmopolitan and read it. Out of boredom, you know."

"Aw, you just wanted to know what colors are hot in eyeshadow this summer so that you don't clash with your lipstick, right?"

"Nah, he wants to learn what lengths skirts are this season, if they're minis or maxis."

"Ugh, can you imagine seeing Chet's hairy legs in a miniskirt? I'd have nightmares for years."

"Chet would need a gallon of Nair to get rid of that hair."

"Who wears short shorts?"

"Hopefully NOT Chet. I'd hate to see him in hotpants. Hey, are hotpants in this summer? I've got a really cool pair of 'em in electric blue satin and they have the term 'disco balls' stitched on the front of 'em in pink thread."

"Johnny mugged the roller derby girls for their clothing?"

"Nah, he was digging through Liberace's trash."

"Hey, don't knock it, those chick magazines have some good info in them, like fifty ways to please your man in bed and how to have stronger orgasms through macrobiotic cooking. Or was it macramè? Yogurt?"

"I can tell ya the best way you could please me in bed would be to leave it."

"Whaaaaat? Hey, Mr. Tangerine Man, I don't swing that way."

"Oh crap, I didn't mean that the way it came out."

"I think that bad dye job affected your brain, Gage."

"Wait, he has a brain? Where?"

"Yeah, what graveyard of idiots did he dig in to get it?"

"I dug in your family graveyard, Chet. I was after your Lucky Charms."

"Hey, that joke was a few sections ago, you need to catch up."

"I can't help it if I lost my script."

"You didn't lose it as much as you killed a big hairy spider with it."

"Does Jack Webb approve of you swatting arachnids with his scripts?"

"I dunno, why don't you go dig in the graveyard and ask him?"

"What, and risk getting busted for violation of code 517.89, sub section D.4, sub-sub section FW.13, sub-sub-sub section 918.08WDDA?"

"You mean you're afraid you'll get arrested for stripping naked in a drinking fountain and singing 'Paloma Blanca' to midget tourists?"

"Is that even POSSIBLE?"

"Honestly? I don't want to imagine it if it is."

"Psst, ya think if Chet read Cosmo, he might be able to give Cap some good advice on how to pluck his eyebrows. I swear to god they look like woolly caterpillars trying to hijack his forehead to Cuba."

"I HEARD THAT! And whoever said it is getting latrine duty today!"

"Cap's PMSing, did that woman's magazine give you any tips on how to deal with that?"

"Chocolate and foot rubs, that's what works for Joanne."

"I've found that leaving the state helps, too."

"That's what ALL women tell you to do, Gage, leave the state so they don't have to see you any longer."

"Let's hope Cap doesn't say anything about cramps or his boobs being tender."

"And let's hope he doesn't cry at that Kodak commercial featuring James Garner and Mariette Hartley."

"Or that commerical where Mr. Whipple warns you not to squeeze the Charmin."

"I'm PMSing if it stands for 'permanent moron stupidity'."

"That's…pretty lame, Cap."

"Damn it, the writer didn't give me good lines in this section, so complain to her."

"I have. She doesn't listen. Pete Malloy and Jim Reed have the same problem with her."

"Be careful that you don't piss her off. Look what she's doing to Johnny, after all."

"Nah, that's not her doing that, it's Johnny himself."

"Hey, who let Lucille Ball into the station?"

"Man, you mean you're just now noticing Johnny's blazing hairdo, Lopez?"

"I didn't get written in until just now."

"Oh Ricky, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, oh Ricky…wait, how is it possible that I'm channeling a song from 1982 when it isn't even 1982 yet?"

"And Toni Basil and Weird Al Yankovic haven't even been invented yet."

"And wasn't it Mickey instead of Ricky?"

"Man, that's one annoying future song to get stuck in your head for a few good decades."

"Yeah, I think I'd rather listen to the muskrats farting in a bathtub."

"And here we are, back at farts again…WHY?"

"Uh, 'cuz the writer has the humor of a ten year old boy?"

"Yeah, but she's a WOMAN, you'd think she'd be grossed out by crap like that."

"Oh, you oughta hear her telling some of the dirty jokes out of her collection, like the one about the two guys that go into the whorehouse and…"

"Moving right along, Gage, how in the world did you turn your hair ORANGE?"

"Um…I'd rather not say, Cap. But rest assured, it won't affect my job performance."

"Except for when the kids start calling you Ronald McDonald."

"Oh, shut up, Grimace."

"All I'm sayin' is if the floppy clown shoes and big red nose fits, wear 'em."

"How about if we see if that fat lip fits you, Chet?"

"My station for an extra-large bottle of Excedrin..."

"Oh. My. GAWD! Guys! Guys! C'mere, you GOTTA see this!"

"Oh holy crap."

"What the hell?"

"Who let Kojak into the station?"

"Who loves ya, baby?"

"Oh, go suck a lollipop, Chet."

"Johnny, you're…you're…bald."

"No, really? God, you think I don't know? I DO have a mirror."

"The question is, is it still intact or did you break it when you looked into it?"

"EEEK, it's Uncle Fester! Hey, can you stick a lightbulb in your mouth and turn it on?"

"I'll stick a lightbulb up your…"

"Johnny, what in the WORLD? You're balder than ROY!"

"Hey! I'm not bald, I'm just follicly-challenged!"

"And your follicles are losing, too."

"Yeah, that comb-over isn't working too well."

"Neither is the Ronco Hair-In-A-Can."

"Ooh, Ronco products, I love them!"

"They make some awesome record albums. Or is that K-Tel that I'm thinking of?"

"Ronco makes Mr. Microphone and the Pocket Fisherman."

"Hey, Chet should get that, he likes playing pocket pool."

"I do not!"

"And with his girlfriend-slash-hand, no less."

"Yeah, someday he's gonna put a ring on that hand and ask her to marry him."

"Senor Wences could be his best man."

"I think I'd pay to see that."

"You'd pay to see Johnny strip naked in a drinking fountain and sing Paloma Blanca to midget tourists, too, Stoker."

"Well, only if he can carry a tune."

"Wait, Stoker had lines in this section?"

"At least it's not his horrible Cosby impression."

"His cue card guy must be back from vacation."

"Hey Johnny, you should read Chet's Cosmo and get some plucking tips and pluck Cap's eyebrows for some spare hair."

"Only if it'd hijack his head to Cuba."

"I guess I should be happy you guys aren't comparing me to Abe Lincoln."

"Damn it, I knew we were forgetting a good joke!"

"So Johnny, do we get to hear the story of how you got turned into a cue ball or not?"

"Well…I've been dating this chick…"

"Well, at least he's not dating his hand any longer."

"Wait until it gets jealous, though, then we'll see some fireworks."

"Nah, all we'd see would be those crappy little black snakes, you know, the ones that come in tablet form and you gotta light 'em? And they go for about an inch and then fizzle out?"

"Since when did we start talking about your sex life, Chet? Going an inch and fizzling out?"

"At least I'm not in tablet form. Plop, plop, fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is."

"Johnny…your hair?"

"Oh yeah. Anyway, I'm dating this girl named Flora…"

"Does she have a twin sister named Fauna?"

"What does Bambi have to do with this?"

"Not 'fawn-a' as in a baby deer, fauna as in shrubs and trees."

"Why did I suddenly think of Julie Andrews right then?"

"Ooh, is she singing about the lonely goatherd?"

"Chet, you ARE a lonely goatherd. Smell like one, too."

"Hey, if I had a goat as ugly as you…"

"I'd shave its butt and make it walk backwards. Yeah, you stole that joke from Klinger and you paraphrased it badly."

"Wait, when did we switch to talking about skydiving?"

"Para-phrased, not para-CHUTE. God, I wonder why I even try sometimes."

"Yeah, so do we, Roy, so do we. But it's fun to watch you try to be the smart one of the dynamic paramedic duo."

"Yeah, in fact, we've got a betting pool going as to when you'll finally snap and defib Johnny in his sleep some night, then shoot his ass full of morphine and dump him out on Skid Row."

"I thought we were betting on when he'd snap and strangle Johnny with the stethoscope."

"Wait, I thought we were betting on when he'd finally get sick of Johnny and shove him out of the squad at 55 miles per hour on the 405."

"Nah, that's Roy vs. Brice for that bet."

"Guys, can I get back to my hairy story? My scalp is starting to get cold."

"Proceed."

"So anyway, this Flora chick is a student hairdresser, right?"

"You mean she dresses students' hair? Hey, we never had THAT in school when I was a kid."

"They also didn't have intelligence in school when you were a kid, Chet."

"Yeah, Chet shoved a periwinkle crayon up his nose back in second grade and he's never been the same since."

"I don't think periwinkle was invented yet at that time, was it?"

"Well…it's a color, I know that."

"I figure Chet was one that used to eat paste. A lot of paste. A TON of paste."

"Not to mention the tempura paints."

"Hey, I once painted a copy of the Moaning Lisa."

"You mean the Mona Lisa?"

"Nah, Moaning Lisa. I dated her in high school."

"No wonder she was moaning, she dated YOU, Kelly."

"Yeah, I made her moan all night long with my pleasure rod."

"That wasn't moaning, she was complaining because she couldn't find it."

"Wait...pleasure rod?"

"It's...uh..."

"His happy stick, Cap. His wangdangdoodle."

"His wee-wee. His..."

"I GET it, I'm NOT stupid, otherwise I wouldn't be Captain, you idiots."

"I thought you got it because you looked pretty with the insignia on your collar."

"I thought you got it because you sold the most Girl Scout cookies."

"Hey, I could go for some Thin Mints right about now..."

"Guys…my hair?"

"Just as long as you don't use the term 'pleasure rod' in ANY reference to it."

"So okay, Flora is training to be a hairdresser, so she asks me if I'd help her out by being her live model, ya know?"

"Ugh, that's one model I wouldn't want to see in a string bikini."

"That joke was several sections ago, don't recycle it."

"Why did the term 'banana hammock' just pop into my mind?"

"What is WITH you and crap popping into your mind, Roy?"

"It's his follicles trying to escape."

"Nah, he's just having a nervous breakdown from being tied to Johnny 24/7. He requires more babysitting than Roy's kids."

"Yeah, speaking of babysitting, don't ask Johnny to take care of your sea monkeys."

"Oh no, what happened to your sea monkeys, Chet?"

"He drank 'em. All of 'em. Even the little itty bitty castle they had in the bowl. Murdered 'em all without just cause. So now I gotta order more from the back of my comic books."

"Aw, you oughta seen what he did to my sock puppet one night. He...he...violated her in unspeakable terms."

"Hey, if I ask you after this story, will you tell me what they are?"

"Only if you finish telling me the joke about the two guys and the whorehouse."

"GUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYS!"

"Sorry, Johnny, we forgot how you like to be the center of attention. Go ahead."

"So I'm Flora's live model and the first thing she has to learn to do is how to style someone's hair using a curling iron. That's why I came to work with feathered hair. Then she had to learn how to give someone a perm, so that's how I got a perm, the same goes for the mohawk, it's a hot hairstyle right now. Then she had to learn how to do dye jobs, so she first tried to do highlights in my hair, then she tried to dye it all blonde. That's why I had orange hair because we found that you gotta strip the natural haircolor out first, especially if it's dark like mine is. Then she tried to dye it back to the darker shade and well, it all fell out. I think I'm gonna hafta break up with her too, next week she learns how to do facials and…"

"Facials?"

"Chet, don't go there, remember, the writer is trying to keep this a T-rater."

"Tell me, Johnny, what beauty school is this Flora going to?"

"Oh, she's not going to beauty school, she's learning this through the mail."

"Wait, you can learn hairstyling through the mail?"

"Oh, you can learn ANYTHING through the mail nowadays. How do you think I learned how to drive the fire engine?"

"Hey, you think you can also learn how to read the cue cards without moving your head?"

"Only if you learn how to get a better sense of humor, Chet."

"Well, I guess you should look on the bright side, Gage, at least now your hair is within regulations."

"Uh...thanks, Cap. I think. And if you'll excuse me now, I'm gonna go kill the writer-lady for ruining my gorgeous hair, not to mention my dignity."

"Wait, you had dignity? When?"

"Chet, shut UP!