Work Text:
Past Tense [or Sometimes History Just Bites You on the Ass]
Story Seven in the True Adventures of Batman and Superman
By J.C.
I think it's safe to say that my past haunts me, drives me...made me what I am. Starting, of course, with my parents. The reason Batman lives. Everything that has come after has been touched by that...some would even say 'tainted'. I don't expect that to change. I don't expect *me* to change. I don't regret doing what needs to be done, despite once having a brief lapse in judgment.
I can't undo my past...can't outrun it. I can only keep it at bay.
But sometimes, it's even possible to get the drop on Batman.
Dick came to see me tonight. Walked into the Cave in denim and leather, his long hair loose and wind-blown--some wild version of the boy I used to know.
It was a rare quiet night in Gotham, but I was forcing myself to keep up surveillance, even if it was only through the vast computerized network glowing brightly on the huge monitor in front of me. Better to be there and focused, I had decided, than out on a dead patrol where all of that quiet might draw me far from home.
I wasn't surprised that Dick had shown up. In fact, I had expected him sooner. Not too long ago, Batman and Nightwing had had their hands full with some of Gotham's more unsavory element, and as a result, Nightwing had been hurt, and one of his bikes damaged. I had thought he would be by the next day to fuss over it and tinker with it...not weeks later in
the middle of the night.
But I didn't question him. I just went on scanning Gotham's activities, and let him get to work with his tools, filtering out his presence as I kept watch. Almost an hour later, I heard a soft curse from behind me, the clang of metal being thrown against metal, and then his voice.
"Bruce."
And I froze.
It was a quiet night, and I was just keeping tabs on the city from a chair in the bowels of Wayne Manor, not seeing or expecting any action, but I was still in costume. Full Bat gear. And Dick hadn't called me 'Batman'. That alone was enough to put me on alert.
And I still managed to be caught off guard.
"I know," he said. "I *saw*."
Immediately, I flashed back to a rooftop near Dick's apartment building. A sense of being watched while I was in an intimate clinch with Superman.
"You and Superman," he continued in a very calm voice. "The other night near my place, after you dropped me off."
I didn't answer. I couldn't. I don't pretend to understand the situation that I've found myself in with Superman. I don't think of it in terms of being involved, just a string of encounters that have happened. One day, they, too, will be part of the fabric of my past.
Like what happened between Dick and I.
"I...I was surprised," he said, "that you...allowed it. I guess it's too late now for some things that I could have said, but I was never sure how to approach you. So, now I guess I'll just say that even
though things were still tense when I came back as Nightwing, we seemed to have gotten past that, and I'm glad that we're okay."
I hadn't turned around, and I kept waiting for him to get angry about talking to my back, but maybe it was easier on him, as well. I know I didn't want to have the conversation at all.
"It's probably too much to ask that you actually be happy, but whatever's going on with you and him...don't screw it up too much."
My mind tried to process that...it was so far from what I would have imagined he would say under those circumstances. So different from what I thought he might do.
Years ago, right before his senior year at the university, not long after his twenty-first birthday, I overstepped my bounds with him. I still don't know how it happened, except that I didn't stop it. And it hadn't stemmed from any of the various scenarios that I had fought to keep from flashing through my head that year. No near death experience to push us together, no tending of an injury to make us look twice, not even a heated moment brought on by one of the arguments that had been flaring up more frequently between us.
One peaceful night, one hot, but peaceful, night, Dick Grayson and Bruce Wayne were having a discussion. Dick was explaining why he wanted to take a year off for traveling after graduation. He was pacing by my chair as he presented his side, and I just watched him moving back and forth in the polo shirt and khakis that he wore then, silently acknowledging that he was coming into his own, growing in mind, body...spirit. When he was done, he stopped in front of me. 'I love you, Bruce, but I have to do this.' I opened my mouth to say that he couldn't go, there was work to be done, but instead I said, 'I don't want you to leave.' And quickly, quietly I found myself over the line
without realizing that I had crossed it. I had a tight grip on his wrist, and my heart stopped.
It was only the fact that he kissed me that got me breathing again.
For four weeks it was heaven and hell. Three days before I could breathe on my own again. Two weeks of pretending that Dick and Bruce could make a place next to Batman and Robin. Two more weeks before I finally came to my senses. Forced myself to face what my role in his life should be...no matter his age. It wasn't as if I had to look far to come up with a multitude of reasons. So, I executed a clean break, handling it before it could get much more complicated.
But it never occurred to me that he might actually still leave. I thought he would settle into things once college was done. And I suppose he tried. In the end, he didn't leave Gotham for exactly the
same reasons that he had first thought. My clean break did nothing but pave the way for his messy exit a year later.
I won't deny the thrill I felt when, after three years, he returned. My life as Batman had gone on... with Batgirl and a new Robin fighting alongside me. No time for dwelling on things past. But I had missed him, even if I only acknowledged it when he was back in Gotham. It was good to have him at the Manor again...in my life again. Though it was different to see that altered version of him, that Nightwing.
I had never been able to bring myself to tell him that I didn't love him, but I had been able to exert more discipline over my actions and put certain issues to rest. So, it was unnerving to hear him standing there, speaking of it as if it might not have been settled for him. Even more of a shock to hear him wish me luck with Superman, as if we had a true social life in the making.
This state of affairs with Superman serves a purpose, fulfills a need. It's simple in a complicated way. Safe in a way that my relationship with Dick can never be. Lacking in that one major factor that made me insane for four weeks.
The sudden roar of a motorcycle coming to life finally made me turn around. He was astride the bike, and had changed into his Nightwing suit. With a wave, he took off, exiting the Cave with me staring after him.
Grown up and moving on. Despite the seeming ease with which he had accepted his discovery about me and Superman, it had warning bells ringing in my head. I just didn't like it. And that left me with just one course of action.
I learned a long time ago that the past is past, an unchanging shadow behind you. And the future is dependent on taking care of business in the present. I can see that I've been distracted from that by constantly crossing paths with the Man of Steel. If a quiet night in Gotham means a quiet night in Metropolis, maybe I can rectify that situation right away. The time has come to ensure that I stay on track.
Being Batman is a full time job. Being Batman is a *lifetime* job.
THE END