Chapter Text
Self Determination
By Scribe
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. PARKING LOT, DAY
High shot from roof of store into parking lot. A large oil puddle is visible off the curb, a little to the left of the doors. There is the sound of light traffic.
Ground level shot of the parking curb area, with the puddle glistening in close-up.
We hear an annoying electric buzz, and footsteps approaching. A pair of running shoes (THE CLERK) comes into view. They stop beside the puddle.
The gender of THE CLERK should never be clear. They are always filmed from behind, or with something such as a display or window poster blocking their face. THE CLERK wears all polyester, in screaming neon colors: lime green pants and hunter's orange work smock.
There is the sound of paper tearing open. Grainy stuff (kitty litter, but hopefully not immediately identifiable) begins to sift down onto the puddle. More is dropped as it begins to absorb the oil.
We can hear it rustle as it is shaken out of the sack.
THE CLERK gets a little too enthusiastic, and a large pile of litter lands on his/her shoe. They make sounds of disgust as they shake it clean. We hear paper being wadded as the sack is closed.
The wind blows an Almond Joy wrapper onto the pile of litter. There is a sigh, and knees come into view as The Clerk begins to squat. There is the sound of a car turning into the lot, and...
CUT TO:
INT. NICOLE'S CAR, DAY
...as they pull into the lot. The tape deck is playing Queen's 'Fat Bottomed Girls.' Through the windsheild we see The Clerk standing up, with the wrapper in one hand and the crumpled bag of Kitty Litter in the other. They step up on the curb as the car pulls up beside the oil puddle and parks.
LOUANNE, in the passenger seat, is grooving to the music. She is a pretty, but distinctly plump, young woman.
During NICOLE's and LOUANNE's dialogue, The Clerk shoves the wrapper in a trash can, the same colors as their uniform, beside the door. They pause at the doors to kick a turned up corner of the safty mat down, and pull a rag out of their pocket to rub away an invisible spot on the glass door. They enter, to the sound of the buzzer, and go behind the counter, where overhead displays obscure their face.
NICOLE is a slender, carefully put together young woman who wears more make up, hair care products, and jewelry than any two people need.
For a second or two she watches Louanne in disbelief, then shuts off the motor, ending the music abruptly.
NICOLE
Christ, Louanne, you act like you BELIEVE that song. Freddy Mercury was gay, he wasn't speaking for straight men.
LOUANNE
I just like the music, Nicole. Can't I even choose my music without it becoming a weight issue?
NICOLE
No. If you're going to lose that twenty pounds before you're married, you have to devote every particle of your being to it.
LOUANNE
And that's another thing. Don't you think twenty pounds in two weeks is unreasonable? My doctor said that more than two or three pounds a week was unhealthy.
NICOLE
Your doctor isn't marrying my brother. No sister-in-law of mine is going to float down the aisle like the Goodyear blimp.
Nicole doesn't see how much her remarks hurt, and would be surprised and irritated if she did.
Nicole opens her purse, and begins putting on even more lipstick, checking herself in the mirror.
NICOLE
It's bad enough that after all the trouble I went through to get you into the empowerment group you
embarrassed me. GAINING weight!
LOUANNE
Chuck took me out to dinner. He looked so worried when I ordered a plain salad and water that I didn't have the heart to turn down half his dessert. Anyway... (timidly) He says he likes me this
way. He calls me his sugar dumpling.
NICOLE
That's Chuck, thick as a frying pan.
She points the lipstick tube at Louanne.
NICOLE
Your name should be Pollyanna instead of Louanne. I don't care what he says. A man will always be looking for someone thinner, younger, or with bigger boobs. Trust me. I know from experience.
She throws the lipstick in the bag and snaps it shut viciously. There's history here.
A BIKERIDER rides in from the right. He dismounts and walks his bike up onto the parking curb and leans it against the wall.
The Bikerider is a very skinny man dressed in a spandex biking outfit, with a storage pack around his waist. He wears a white biking helmet. When he pulls it off, he is bald, and his naked skull is almost exactly the same color and shiny texture of the helmet.
The Bikerider removes his helmet, hangs it on the bike, and goes inside. Buzzer sounds.
NICOLE
Don't you want to look good for Chuck in your bathing suit when you go on your honeymoon?
LOUANNE
We're going to Disneyworld, not Cancun.
NICOLE
Well, don't you want to impress him the first time he sees you in a skimpy nighty?
Louanne gives her a steady, disbelieving stare.
NICOLE
Oh. Yeah. Right.
It obviously never occured to her that they might have had sex.
Nicole opens her door.
NICOLE
Wait here while I go get the ritual sacrifice. No point in exposing yourself to all that junk food.
LOUANNE
You act like you expect me to start scarfing Goo Goo Clusters without bothering to unwrap them.
NICOLE
You've already proved you're too weak to resist temptation. You wouldn't need my help if you weren't.
She steps out of the car, and we hear kitty litter grit. She looks down.
NICOLE
God DAMMIT!
She slams the door shut.
EXT. PARKING LOT, DAY
Camera shoots through the driver's window as Nicole leans down to talk to LouAnne.
NICOLE
No one is going to call my brother's wife spineless.
She steps up on the curb, shaking her feet to dislodge kitty litter, and goes into the store. Sound of buzzer.
INT. NICOLE'S CAR, DAY
LOUANNE
No one but you.
Louanne peers through the windshield.
Reverse shot of windsheild from outside. The reflection is too blurred to be clear. Louanne leans forward, her face becoming more distinct.
Shot of what she's looking at. A large display of 12 packs of diet soda. The sign taped to it reads 'DIETER'S SPECIAL 2/5.00'.
Back to Louanne, studying it. She lifts her eyes higher.
Shot of poster on the window behind the display. 'ASSORTED CANDY BARS 3/1.00'.
Louanne pulls a women's magazine out from under her seat.
Close up on cover. OUR MOST LUSCIOUS DESSERTS', with picture of chocolate cake.
Close up on her eyes, reading.
Close up on magazine. 'DIET SECRETS OF THE SUPERMODELS'.
She flips open the magazine. It falls open to a section where an ad for premium ice cream is across from an ad for an exercize machine.
Louanne throws the book over her shoulder into the back seat.
Louanne turns on the radio. 'Sugar, Sugar' by the Archies starts playing, and she snaps it off violently.
EXT.PARKING LOT, DAY
The Bikerider comes out of the store. He drains the last of a bottle of water, and puts it in the trash. He straddles his bike, and walks it down off the curb, stopping just opposite Louanne's window.
Suspenceful music starts, and the next sequence runs in slow motion. It is in the style of a woman being assaulted, or witnessing an assault.
Shot from other side of Bikerider into car, to Louanne. She looks over and notices him.
Closeup on waist pack as Bikerider unzips.
Louanne's eyes widen in apprehension.
Bikerider reaches into pack and slowly pulls out...a giant Snickers bar.
Louanne's reaction. Her mouth drops open.
Close up on Snickers. He rips the paper half way off with one gesture. The sound is exaggerated.
Louanne reacts.
Close up of Snickers. It looks like a baseball bat. The camera makes love to it's sensouse waves of chocolate. The shot follows it as the Bikerider raises it slowly, till it's even with his face. His face is blurred in the background. There is a shock focus, bringing his face into clear detail with a stinger of music.
He looks mad and demonic, his pale face all planes and angles.
A shot of Louanne, wide eyed.
Back on the Bikerider's face. He bares huge, saliva glistening teeth.
Louanne, bracing in dread.
Close up of the Bikerider. With another musical stinger, he takes a HUGE bite of candy, ripping off a chunk. Chocolate crumbles, long strands of caramel spin out as he jerks his head back.
Close up of Louanne as she jerks and gasps, as if she's been shot. Or had an orgasm. She closes her eyes and throws her head back against the head rest with a distinct THUMP.
At the sound of the thump, everything goes back into regular speed and the music stops.
INT. NICOLE'S CAR, DAY
Louanne's head is back, eyes closed, and she's breathing heavily.
The Bikerider leans down and looks in. He looks perfectly bland now. His mouth is smeared with chocolate, and there is caramel on his chin. He hasn't quite finished chewing when he speaks.
BIKERIDER
Hey, lady. Lady? You alright in there?
Louanne opens her eyes, and rolls her head to look at him.
BIKERIDER
You need some water? 911?
Loueanne shakes her head. Her eyes fix on his candy bar.
He notices.
BIKERIDER
Are you having an insulin reaction? My cousin's a diabetic, and he acts like that when his sugar gets too low. Here.
He holds out the Snickers.
Louanne stares, eyes wide like a junkie who's just been offered a free hit of China White, unable to believe such luck. Then she shakes her head sadly.
LOUANNE
No,thank you.
BIKERIDER
You sure?
LOUANNE
Yes, I'm fine. Just pre wedding jitters, I guess.
BIKERIDER
(grins in understanding)
Oh! That's great. Tell him he's a lucky man.
He puts on his helmet and rides off as Nicole exits the store, carrying a small paper bag.
INT. NICOLE'S CAR, DAY
Nicole gets in, putting the sack on the seat between herself and Louanne. Louanne regards the bag as if it contains a rattlesnake.
NICOLE
I found the perfect symbolic sacrifice.
LOUANNE
Can't we forget this? It's bad enough when I have to stand up in front of a group of strangers and 'confess' my 'diet sins'.
NICOLE
All new phases of life are marked by cerimony: graduation, weddings, christenings, wakes. This
will symbolize your self empowerment. Now quit whining.
Nicole starts the car, and begins backing around.
EXT. PARKING LOT, DAY
As the car moves to the exit, and waits for traffic to break, the Clerk enters from behind the camera. Again, only the back is presented. They are carrying a broom and dustpan, and begin to sweep up the soaked kitty litter as Nicole pulls out into traffic.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
INT. KITCHEN, DAY
This is a clean, bright, cheerful room. A small round table is in the center. It is covered with a pristine white cloth. Two white candles in crystal holders are spaced in the center.
We hear a car drive up and stop, engine cutting off.
The back door opens, and Nicole and Louanne enter.
Nicole puts the paper bag on the counter, looking approvingly at the table.
NICOLE
Good. That looks perfect. Where's your good china?
Louanne points to a cabinet. Nicole opens it.
NICOLE
We'll do this in style.
She pulls out a china dinner plate that has a pretty pattern of roses around the rim. She regards it as if it were a dead rat.
NICOLE
What the hell is this?
LOUANNE
Chuck and I picked those out together. Aren't they pretty?
NICOLE
I wish you'd consulted me before you registered your china pattern. I might have saved you. Please tell me you got Danish Minimalist for the silver.
LOUANNE
(weakly)
Venetian Baroque.
Nicole rolls her eyes expressively.
NICOLE
Don't worry, you can exchange it if you kept the receipt. I suppose everything else you have is KMart blue light special, so this will have to do. Now, the sacrificial pit.
Nicole picks up a wastepaper basket and sets it beside the table, then puts the plate on the counter next to the sack.
NICOLE
Give me some matches.
LOUANNE
I don't have any.
At Nicole's disbelieving look she hastily explains
LOUANNE
My kitchen is all electric, and Chuck and I don't smoke...
NICOLE
Of course you don't. Never mind.
Nicole gets a lighter out of her bag and lights the candles.
She turns to the counter. Her back hides her actions, but we hear her remove something from the bag, and the rustle of celophane as she opens it.
Louanne is staring at the table.
CUT TO:
CAMERA IS AT TABLETOP LEVEL, ACROSS THE TABLE FROM LOUANNE.
We only see Louanne from upper thighs to a little above where her bellybutton should be, centered between the flickering candles.
Nicole's hands descend into view. She holds the plate.
There is a single Hostess cupcake (or clone) precisely in the middle of the plate.
Nicole sets the plate down gently, and her hands withdraw.
Extreme close up on cupcake. Camera caresses every dark crumb, every drip of chocolate, it follows the sensual swoops of the white icing. This is the most desireable cupcake in the history of the universe.
NICOLE (OS)
(solemnly)
Are you ready?
LOUANNE (OS)
I am.
NICOLE (OS)
Face your enemy.
Louanne squats down. Now her face is centered between the candles, behind the cupcake, visible from the nose up. Her eyes fix on the cupcake. We don't see her lips move as she speaks. As se goes on, her tone moves from indecisive to firm. Nicole's voice gradually rises in pitch and volume as she goads Louanne on.
LOUANNE
I will face my enemy.
NICOLE (OS)
Face your weakness.
LOUANNE
I will face my weakness.
NICOLE (OS)
You don't HAVE to eat that cupcake. You don't have to do it!
LOUANNE
I don't have to do it!
NICOLE (OS)
You will take control of your life!
LOUANNE
I will take control of my life!
NICOLE (OS)
Nothing can rule you unless you let it!
LOUANNE
Nothing can rule me unless I let it!
NICOLE (OS)
Now stand up tall, take your life into your own hands, and throw out your enemy!
Louanne stands up straight. The brief glimpse we get of her face shows us an expression of determination and zeal.
Louanne's hand reaches down into the frame, seizes the cupcake, and lifts it out of frame.
There is a pause. We're waiting for the sound of the cupcake hitting the wastepaper basket.
After a moment, we hear Nicole groan.
NICOLE
Louanne!
The cupcake is set back on the plate. There is a big bite taken out of it.
We return to a medium shot of the kitchen.
Nicole, hands on hips, glares angrily at Louanne, who is chewing, eyes downcast. If it's possible for a human being to flounce while standing still, Nicole is doing that now.
NICOLE
That was absolutely disgusting. After all I've tried to do for you, to just...just...FLAUNT your appetite like that!
Louanne won't look at Nicole as Louanne sinks into a chair at the table. She props her elbow on the table and rests her forehead in her hand.
Nicole snatches up the cupcake and slams it into the wastebasket. Her movements stiff and angry, she gets the other cupcake out of the sack and slaps it down on the plate.
NICOLE
Now. Do it again, and do it RIGHT this time.
Louanne tilts her head and eyes the cupcake morosely.
LOUANNE
(her voice is lifeless )
I am ready.
She says the rest of the monologue slowly, with pauses between each line, thinking. As it goes on, she sounds as if she is realizing something. Her voice grows firmer, more determined. She sits up with a resolved look on her face.
LOUANNE
I will face my enemy. I will face my weakness. I don't have to do it!
Her face is glowing with revelation.
LOUANNE
I will take control of my life!
Suspicious at first, Nicole has moved to jubilation, and triumph.
NICOLE
Yes, yes! That's it, Louanne! You can do it!
LOUANNE
I CAN do it! Nothing can rule me unless I let it. I will stand up tall...
She stands up.
NICOLE
YES!
LOUANNE
(her voice is rising into a glorious shout)
I will take my life into my own hands...AND I WILL THROW OUT MY ENEMY!
Louanne turns suddenly, grabs Nicole's arm, rips the door open, shoves her out, slams it, and locks it.
We see Nicole through the door window. Shocked, outraged, she pounds on the door and shouts to be let back in, raining abuse and guilt on Louanne.
Louanne wilts a little. As she opens the door, Nicole nods in satisfaction and prepares to let her have it.
But Louanne just grabs Nicole's purse off the counter and tosses it at her, then shuts and locks the door again. Nicole looks on, stunned, as Louanne pops the rod at her in a ladylike manner, then draws the shade on the door.
The kicking and yelling recommence as Louanne goes back to the table, pulls up her chair and sits down.
She picks up the cupcake and studies it for a moment. She runs one finger admiringly over the flowers around the rim of the plate, totally ignoring the ruckus outside. Then she blows out the candles, one by one, and with great satisfaction begins to eat the cupcake.
FADE OUT.