Chapter Text
Elvish Mary Sue
By Scribe
/as the final credits to The Two Towers rolled, Fannie fished in her popcorn bag for the last few kernels. She was convinced she'd left at least one or two. She had, but they were poor examples--little more than barely cracked shells. Still, they had salt-and-butter flavor, and she figured that if she'd eaten and enjoyed Cornuts, she could eat these. So she crunched them, then finished up the last of the ice left in her cup as she squinted at the cast list.
*Elijah Wood, Sean Astin... Frodo and Sam were such a cute couple. Is Sean John Astin's boy? Heh. Gomez's kid. He doesn't look much like Pugsly. Elijah has the most beautiful eyes. Billy Boyd, Dominic Monaghan... How do you pronounce that? Never mind. Pippin and Merry were SO doing it. I mean, they did everything ELSE together--why not? And I don't recall either of them mooning over a girl. Or even mentioning one. In fact, they got a hell of a lot more excited over beer than they did over women.*
*Viggo Mortensen... No. Nope. Too hairy. Can't go much for the facial hair.* *snicker* *Well, except on Ares, but that's a different mythos. Orlando Bloom. YESYESYES! Woof. Day-um, that boy is fine! And I ususally don't go all that much for blonds. But I have to admit that Legolas and Haldir are pretty, pretty, pretty. And Hugo Weaving. Boy, a short haircut and a pair of shades can really make a difference in someone's appearance. I wouldn't have recognized the guy playing Elrond as the same who played Agent Smith in Matrix unless my brother had pointed him out. Who played Eledan and Elrohir? I wonder if they got actual twins to play them? Heck, did I actually SEE them in either of the movies, or do I just know about them from fanfiction? Lines blur sometimes. Oh, well... Twins--yum.*
*And they had Karl Urban, too. Still with the facial hair, and it's funny seeing him without wings.*
She'd come to the movies with her uncle Dan. He'd already seen the latest in the Rings Trilogy, so he went to see something else. That was one of the good things about multiplexes. One of the bad things was that the floors in this section were quite steep, to allow them to fit in more seats with a clear view. She'd have preferred to sit at least in the back third of the theater, but she didn't dare risk climbing that high.
As the lights came up and other viewers began to move past her, she though, *Well, that was a good movie. It didn't go far enough, though, darn it. Now I have to wait at least a year before I find out what happens.* Fannie sighed to herself as she walked out into the lobby. That extra large diet Coke she'd had along with the popcorn was really talking to her, and she had to visit the ladies' before she went out to the main lobby to look for Uncle Dan.
*He might already be out in the truck. I wish I'd been able to go to an earlier show. It must be midnight by now. Sheesh, the place is almost deserted. I don't think there can be more than a dozen people in the theater.*
She went into the ladies and made her way to the last stall. She always preferred the handicapped stall, because of the extra room. And it wasn't as if there would be someone who'd want in.
She had to sit there for awhile ...and the lights went out.
She jerked in surprise, thinking, *Damn! Well, it isn't as bad as it was when the same thing happened right after I'd seen Night of the Living Dead, but it's still a good thing I was sitting down.* "Hey!," she called out. "There's someone in here, people. Give me a minute." The lights stayed off. "Darn it! All right, if I slip and break a leg or something, you've got a lawsuit on your hands." She lowered her voice to a mutter, "And I'll get Walter Humphries and OWN this place."
She finished her business and left the stall. It was still pitch black. She groped her way to the sinks, muttering under her breath, and did a sketchy wash. It was a lot of trouble, but her mother had raised her better than to leave a public restroom without washing. Once that was finished, she felt her way along the wall. *Crud, there should be at least a sliver of light coming under the door, shouldn't there? Don't they leave on the hall lights at night? I hope I'm not locked in. If I am, who the heck do I call?* Her hands left the tile and found the wood of the door. "Gotcha! I should tell the management to review their close-up procedure."
She pushed the door open. Her hair blew back. "Whoa! Serious air conditioning!" Something rustled past her feet. *What the hell? Did they spill a trash barrel?* Fannie stepped out. "Hey! You've still got..." Her voice trailed off as she looked around, blinking.
*Okay. The restroom should NOT open directly outside.* She looked around again. *And this isn't the right OUTSIDE, even if it did. Shit--trees. Lots and lots of trees, and no cement. No street lights. I better go check..."
She turned around, and the door wasn't there. The wall of the lobby wasn't there, either. What there WAS, was a small cave. She blinked at it for several moments, beginning to feel chilled for more than one reason. Faintly from inside the cave she heard a voice saying, "Nah, I thought there was one in the restroom, but I guess she left. How'd she get our? I thought ya had the doors locked."
Fannie normally would NOT have entered a strange cave. There was too many chances of encountering something a)tiny, with eight legs, b)large and furry, with big pointy teeth, or c)small and scaly, with fangs and a bad attitude. In this case, though, she went right on in.
It was even blacker in the cave than it had been in the restroom. She felt her way around the wall, making a complete circuit. It wasn't big, and there wasn't any other opening than the one she'd come in. There wasn't anything to do--she went back out.
She saw now that she was under moonlight, and she was most definitely in a forest. *A BIG forest. What is going ON here?I Her mind went blank for a moment, and then she shook her head. *I doubt it's going to come to me in a blinding revelation. Okay, let's consider. I seem to have gotten trapped in some sort of... of fantasy story. I'm going to say fantasy because I sure as hell don't want it to be horror, and in science-fiction there's too often ookie monsters, waiting to eat lone females. I could have screaming hysterics, which wouldn't be very constructive. Or I could do what anyone lost in any sort of woods might do. That means I'd better start trying to find some sort of civilization.*
She stopped, looked, and listened. Was she mistaken, or was there a sound coming from the distance over there? She squinted in concentration. Yes, it sounded like music. Pipes? Guitars? No--mandolins? Lutes? *What is this, New Age? No, it's more like that music I heard at the Renaissance Festival, but not quite. Man, it's beautiful. If I get out of this I want to get a tape of that. If... WHEN I get out of this.*
Suddenly she knew that she wasn't alone in the woods. She wasn't entirely sure how she knew, but she did. It was more of a feeling than anything else--she couldn't really pinpoint any single sight or sound to base the conviction on. *They're following me, and they don't want me to know it, and it IS they instead of he. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, and there's nowhere to run. Maybe if I confront them...*
She stopped and called, "Come out, come out, wherever you are! Olly, olly, oxen-free." She caught a glimpse of movement out of the corner of her eye and called, "Peek-a-boo! I see you!"
A cool voice behind her said, "You are very aware--for a human."
She closed her eyes. *Human? Crap, what kind of psychos am I up against?* "If I turn around and look at you, are you going to shoot me in the head?"
"As long as you draw no weapon--no."
She turned slowly--to find the point of an arrow about an inch from her nose. "ARROW? What is this? Am I being held up by the Society for Creative Anachronism?"
There was another voice behind her. "This one speaks even more strangely than most."
She turned again, and there was another arrow at approximately the same distance. "Damn. You guys are smooth." Another look showed a circle of arrows. There were at least five men surrounding her, perhaps more behind them, and all with drawn bows. "Say, guys, how about putting those things away? They're totally unnecessary." None of the arrows wavered. "Okay, maybe not."
"What is your business here in Rivendell?" asked one.
"Is that where I am? Is it anywhere near Beumont? No? How about Winnie? High Island? Sabine Pass?"
"We know none of these places. Again I ask you--why do you invade our forest?"
"I'd hardly call one lost woman an invasion. And that's what I'm doing here--I'm lost. Just direct me back to Tinseltown and I'll get out of your hair."
"She speaks riddles," said one of the men.
"Best not kill her here," answered another.
"Yes, listen to him," she said quickly. "Best all around not to kill me."
"She should be taken to our lord."
"When you say 'our lord', you mean, like, the guy in charge, right?" she said nervously. "Because if you mean 'lord' as in 'God', I can wait for that, really I can."
"I think she's mad," said one who hadn't yet spoken.
"I've been accused of it," Fannie said agreeably. "But I'm harmless. Look, I don't want to go anywhere with you guys, and if you think about it for a minute, you'll understand why. I was in the restroom, the lights went out, I went out, and here I am. I turn back around to go in, and no door, just a little cave. So I go back in the cave and..."
A few of the arrows lowered. She heard the men talking to each other quietly in a strange, musical language. What with the port and the airport nearby, she'd heard a great variety of foreign languages and accents, but this was something new. A couple of the men moved away, and she knew that they were going back to the cave. She raised her voice, "If you find that door, let me know!"
The first one spoke to her again. "Did you come through The Passage?"
"I told you--I just walked through the door. Okay, guys," she hooked the purse off her shoulder and offered it to one of them. "I only have a little cash. I think I have a ten, but that's it. No credit cards. Let me keep my ID, and you run along like good guys, and I don't say anything to anybody, okay?"
One of the young men scowled at her. "You think we are thieves?"
"Good God, I HOPE you're thieves, because I don't like the alternative."
"Woman!" The voice was outraged. "You dare suggest that we would...?"
"What do you EXPECT me to think? I'm glad I'm wrong."
"We are guarding our lands."
"Oh, geez. Do I LOOK dangerous?" She might have been wrong, but she thought that she saw the faint hint of a smile on one of the young men's face. "The last thing I want is to be caught in a turf war. I SWEAR that I didn't mean to trespass."
Some of them came back. "Someone has come through--the power trace is there, and it is strong."
"It is decided--we take her to Elrond." The arrow came up again. "Come, woman."
"I told you, I'm not going anywhere. If I'm going to be killed I want it somewhere where they can find my body and give me a decent burial."
"We do not wish to kill you."
"Can't prove that by me."
"Aren't you afraid?" The voice was curious.
"Hell, yeah, I'm petrified. But I'm more afraid of what might happen if I go off somewhere with a bunch of guys armed with bows and arrows who jump innocent people at night. If you're going to kill me, go ahead and do it. If not, go away and leave me alone."
One of them stepped closer and said, in a quiet, reasonable voice. "We cannot do that. We cannot allow you to roam our lands without permission from our lord. Besides," he smiled faintly.
*Ooo. Damn, he's good looking.*
He continued, "you are very lost. There are other dangers in the wood. You will be safer coming with us."
"No." She crossed her arms. "You try and take me, I'll just go limp, and I promise you that I will be difficult to move. I am NOT Calista Flockhart."
"I know not this Moss, but we WILL move you if we must."
She looked at him more closely. Then she looked at the others more closely. She took in the odd clothes--not a name brand anywhere. The shoes were all boots, but they looked handmade. All of them had long hair, hanging over their shoulders. And they all had slightly pointed ears. "No." She shook her head. "No, no, no, absoLUTEly not."
"What?"
She pointed. "Those. This isn't a Trekkie convention, and they aren't shooting a fantasy movie anywhere around here. What gives?"
Now he frowned. "I do not understand."
He stood still in surprise as she reached out and gently touched his ear with one fingertip. "This. I mean, it's cute and all, but it isn't foam Laytex, and you ALL have them."
"Yes," he said agreeably. "As do all elves."
"No, no, no." She shook her head. "Not gonna have any of that." She glanced up, then did a double take. "Uh..." The moon was as large as a basketball, and had a faint lavender tinge. "Oh, that's not good. Not good at all." She looked at the young man *fuck, give it up. Elf--young elf*, said, "Excuse me," and fainted.
If he hadn't been holding his bow, Legolas would have been able to catch her. As it was, the elves found themselves staring down at her crumpled form. Haldir murmured. "Why? She seemed robust enough."
One of the others shrugged. "These humans can be frail. We'd best take her to the healers."
Legolas looked up at the sky, frowning. "She was looking at the moon. I believe she did not use The Passage knowingly, and she just realized it. That would be a shock. Still, you are right--she must be taken to Rivendell." He slung his bow back over his shoulder. "She was right about one thing--it will not be easy to move her."
TBC