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Dean never really worried about himself dying. Not even the shock to the heart that should have killed him got him down. The face he'd put on for Sam might've been braver than he felt, but it was true enough at the essence. He wasn't afraid to die; he was afraid to die *alone.* Afraid to *be* alone.
That was why he'd showed up at the hotel room; Sammy was at the hotel, looking desperately for a way to save him and Dean was scaredafraidterrified of closing his eyes in that sterile room and never opening them again.
So he came to Sam, content to collapse on the hotel room bed and let his heart give out there or in the front seat of the Impala with Sammy driving to the next hunt.
But he couldn't live with the thought of Sam dying. Couldn't live with the thought that Sam's life, the life he wanted so desperately to be normal, might end in a flare of flame and blood. So he fought. Even when he was ready to die, he fought. Sam never believed for a second that Dean was ready to die, but Dean kept up the bravado while Sam fought to save him.
And Dean stopped fighting being saved, because it meant he got to stay.
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When Dean didn't want to die, Sam wouldn't give up on him. Even though Dean was comatose and unresponsive, the spirit board let them communicate. A Reaper was there for Dean, and Sam would've done anything to stop it, even though there was nothing to be done. You can't fight or kill Death, in the end.
But then the miracle happened; Sam didn't know what or how, but Dean was awake, and healthy, but now Dad was gone.
Neither of them were dealing well, Sam less so than Dean. It wasn't just Dad being gone; it was Dad being gone after so long and leaving them alone to deal with the Demon.
Sam'd always thought it'd be better that way, they'd be better off alone, but now he was just lost.
-=-=-
John had expected a trick. If the Demon could supercede a Reaper, then his death was the least of what he could expect.
He knew he'd never go to Heaven; men like him never did.
He knew he'd never go to Hell; whatever malevolent entity was in charge would refuse to have him.
He expected to be *nothing,* to lose awareness and memory of everything and everyone he'd ever loved, formless, shapeless, nothing.
But he found himself in a special corner of Hell, saved for the souls the Demon had harvested. And he wasn't alone, there were others there. Meg Masters was there--the real girl from Amherst who hadn't been able to fight the demon but had a crush on Sam anyway, Caleb and Jim were there, countless others. Mothers, sisters, girlfriends. Jessica was there, and he was proud to meet the girl his son had chosen for his own, and then...
There was Mary.
It might've been hell, but John wasn't alone any more, and really, that's all that mattered.
The End