Work Text:
The Delirium Threemen
April 2011, ©
Don't own the copyright to any of the characters depicted in Emergency they are the property of Mark VII/Universal Studios.
What could possibly go wrong with Roy and me a shout away? I know deep down that he didn't intend for something like this to happen. This dark cloud of misfortune seems to follow him around all the time. If Calamity Jane had a brother, his name would be John Gage.
Sometimes what starts out so seemingly innocent can take on a life all its own and leave one heck of a mess in its aftermath. It took a lot of scrubbing to get the stains out of the carpet, out of the furniture and off the walls I had to throw out the outfits that the children wore that day. Oh, and lest I forget about the horrible after effects on the baby's digestive system. Ewwww, those diapers were disgustingly toxic over the next couple of days.
It was common for Johnny to come to our house on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon when a big sports game was on TV whenever he and Roy had a weekend off for a 'sports afternoon.' The LA Rams were scheduled to play the Chicago Bears that Sunday afternoon. This particular day had started off rather nicely, with Chris and Roy spending some time in the yard tossing a ball around. Jennifer was in her high chair playing with some toys. She had just started walking a few weeks ago, so now whenever I had stuff to do in the kitchen I either had to put her in the playpen or highchair. I was fixing sandwiches for all of us to eat while we watched the game. This was the only time I allowed eating in the living room.
Johnny offered to bring some snack food and at the time I didn't see the harm in it. Boy, was I in for a rude awakening. Leave it to Johnny to bring something that would end up leaving a huge mess in my living room.
Roy and Chris entered the house where I ordered them to wash up. Roy sent Chris on ahead to the washroom while he stole a kiss from me.
"Meeee tooooo, me too," Jennifer called out from her high chair before tilting her head upwards and puckering up.
"Daddy always has kisses for little 'Nifer Me-Too," Roy said before placing a kiss on her pouty lips.
Jennifer's favorite two words lately have been 'me too' with 'No' a close second. Roy and Chris began moving the living room furniture around to make room for the TV trays. Jennifer's playpen was folded up and stored in her bedroom. It was common for her to cuddle up in Roy's arms and fall asleep an hour or so into the game. I would put her down in her crib afterwards.
Johnny arrived a few minutes before the game was to start and I put his grocery bag of 'goodies' in the kitchen for later on. Jennifer kept pointing at him and saying "Oooowwwwie." She ran over to him so he could pick her up.
"Awww, isn't she cute. She's trying to say Johnny," he smiled. His smile quickly melted as Jennifer started batting his nose and saying "Owie, need to kiss owie better."
"Awww, isn't she cute. She wants to kiss Uncle Owie's owie," Roy said as he greeted Johnny. Chris stifled a giggle at the new nickname Roy had just bestowed on Johnny.
"Hi, Uncle Owie," Chris piped up as he hugged Johnny's leg.
"Huh," Johnny pretending to be indignant towards Roy. "Some friend you are, having the kids call me Uncle Owie. Really Roy, is that how you treat your best friend?"
"You have to admit the name fits. Would you rather the kids call you Weird Harold?" Roy volleyed back.
"Ha, ha, you're just a regular Henny Youngman," Johnny snorted.
"Actually, I stole that from Bill Cosby. So now that we're done with the formalities here, can you satisfy my curiosity and tell me what happened to your nose, Junior?"
"Nothing much, just bumped it," Johnny answered as his face quickly flashed over in embarrassment.
"Looks a little bruised and you've scraped some skin off the bridge there. Something happen between you and Chet at the drive-in last night?"
"No, it happened this morning," Johnny sighed before filling Roy in on his injury. "I didn't close the medicine cabinet door properly and it swung back and hit me on the bridge of my nose."
Roy raised his eyebrows. "Satisfied? Now you got the whole story," Johnny added.
"So what trouble did you and Chet get into at the drive-in last night?" Roy couldn't resist asking.
Johnny narrowed his eyes at Roy suspiciously. "You just love living vicariously through me don'cha. Well, for your information nothing happened. Rather dull evening."
"Likely story. So what movie did you two end up seeing?"
"The Thing With Two Heads and what a waste of money that was," before Roy could say anything, Johnny went into one of his tirades. "I can't believe I let Chet pick out the movie. Oh man, was it awful. You know, Rosey Grier might have been part of the best defensive lines in football, but being one of the 'Fearsome Foursome' certainly doesn't qualify him for a starring role in a cheesy horror movie. I mean, that movie was so bad it wasn't even scary; it was funny, stupid funny. There ought to be a law against former football players getting into the acting business."
"Hey Johnny, make yourself at home," I said carrying a couple of plates of sandwiches. The sight of food was enough to get him quiet him down.
"Can I sit near Uncle Owie?" Chris asked.
I bent my head downward so Johnny wouldn't see me trying not to laugh. I'm sure he's going to make Roy pay for coming up with that name. "As long as Uncle Owie doesn't mind," I answered him before a few giggles escaped me.
Everyone was settled in the living and the game was underway when I brought out a couple of plates of sandwiches and set them down on the TV trays. I joined Roy on the couch while he fed Jennifer some bites from a sandwich. Naturally, I made sure a face cloth was nearby for her just in case.
It didn't take long before I was treated to Roy and Johnny doing their rendition of Monday Night Football's Don Meredith, Howard Cosell and Frank Gifford. One man short and on a Sunday.
The Rams got off to a good start as they drove from their 40 yard line down to the Bears 28 yard line in eight plays where Dave Ray booted a 30-yarder. Roy and Johnny were giving their own play-by-play of the events that lead to the first touchdown by the Rams.
"Wow, John Hadl just nipped 24-yards to Bertlesen. Did you see McCutcheon rip 16 and then Bertlesen ran five to sweep in on the three. That's what I call football," Roy said excitedly.
"Man, do you believe that, Bertleson capped a 48-yard strike in four plays?"
I'm not exactly an expert in the language of football, but I was able to figure out was that Bertlesen got a touchdown. I do know the difference between a touchdown and a field goal, but that's about it. I just like watching 'em play. Besides, I have the hots for Fred Dryer. New York's loss is L.A.'s gain, all 6 foot and 6 groovin' inches.
"To bad for Chicago that Dick Butkus is off with his knee. What do ya' think? Think this might be his last season?"
Roy answered with his assessment on Butkus, "Hard to say. He had to be hurting when he walked off the field when the Bears were playing Atlanta. He can't play football with that bad knee."
"I felt bad for him sitting at the sidelines when the Bears got clobbered by the Lions last month."
"Both him and the mascot looked like a sad pair at that game. I actually felt sorry for The Maestro of Mayhem. Must be hard to watch and not play," Roy added.
At the end of first quarter ended with the LA Rams over the Chicago Bears 10-0. Roy was on the floor with Jennifer stacking up blocks while she knocked them down gleefully. Jennifer continued to play with her blocks on her own while Roy positioned himself in front of me while grabbing my foot and massaging it. I held out my other foot for him to massage when he finished and he automatically went to work on it. Jennifer toddled over to Roy and plopped her padded butt onto the floor before holding out one of her tiny feet.
"Meee tooo," she proclaimed.
Roy placed her on his lap and removed her socks and shoes handing them to me. He then laid her on the floor beside him as he took a foot in each hand. Pretty much he used his thumbs to massage her feet. She let out a exaggerated "Ooooooo" and then an "Ahhhh" as Roy rubbed her feet. I have to admit, she did a pretty good imitation of what I do when Roy's working out the aches in my feet.
Johnny needled Roy, "The ladies in this house run roughshod over you."
"Yeah, but I know which side my bread is buttered on," Roy said as he threw a wink my way.
The second quarter of the game was now under way. He picked up Jennifer and leaned back against the couch in a reclining position while she put her head on his shoulder. He swayed back and forth in a rocking motion until she was asleep.
"Can you believe it! Farmer fumbled that 47-yard pass from Huff only to have Elmendorf recover it. Man, Farmer just blew it!" Johnny shouted.
Jennifer opened her eyes for a moment before they drooped shut again. I put a finger to my lips and pointed to Roy and Jennifer and let out a sharp "Shhhhh."
"Way to go, Dave Ray," Roy said as he commented on the field goal Ray scored during the last 33 seconds of the second quarter.
The Rams led 13-0 at half-time. Roy got up and put Jennifer in her crib before helping himself to some more food. The third quarter neither team scored but the fourth quarter the Rams picked up again.
"Wow, did you…did you see that! Merlin Olsen just nailed Garrett," Johnny shouted over Roy.
"Olsen's also been a thorn in Gary Huff's side all day," Roy added gleefully.
I had to remind the guys to lower their voices so they wouldn't wake up Jennifer.
Dave Ray managed two more field goals and Les Josephson touched down after a nine-yard run on a fumble by the Bears. The final score was 26-0. I was hoping to see some action from Fred Dryer today, but was left a little disappointed.
"The Rams really clobbered the Bears," Roy said as he got up and stretched. He started to help me take the dirty plates to the kitchen before putting away all but one of TV trays.
"Staying for supper, Johnny?" I asked.
"Sure thing. Food always tastes better when you cook it," Johnny replied before staring pointedly at Roy. "Unlike somebody else's cooking."
"Would you rather eat Chet's cooking instead?" Roy said a bit too defensively. Yeah, he can get a little touchy about his cooking.
"I'd rather Joanne brought something in when it's your turn to cook," Johnny grinned while wagging his eyebrows at me.
"Come get meee." Jennifer called out from her crib shortly after the post game show ended. She'd gotten close to a good two hours worth of nap time in, which meant she'd be in a good mood. Roy headed down the hall to retrieve her.
Chris and Johnny had changed the television over to channel 13 to watch the comedy classic movie. 'Francis in the Navy' which was on that afternoon. Roy let Jennifer loose in the living room while Johnny got into some of the snack food he had brought. He had placed a bowl of cheese puffs on the TV table that was still setup beside the sofa chair. Chris had clambered up on Johnny's lap to enjoy the movie and some of the cheese puffs. Jennifer seemed content playing with her toys she had pulled out of the toy box in the corner of the living room.
I remember thinking, now, would be a great time to get Roy to move some of the rocks in the backyard garden. I know I get picky about my gardens, but I thought there would be no harm in leaving the children with Johnny while Roy and I stepped outside for a few moments.
"Hey Johnny, I'm dragging Roy outside for a few minutes. Think you can manage to keep the kids out of trouble?" I asked as Roy slouched his shoulders and followed me outside.
Who knew such a messy disaster could occur in such a short time frame. I stood in front of the garden admiring the work Roy had just finished for me. He had gone into the house ahead of me. I walked into the house to find Roy trying to untangle the vacuum hose and cord from Johnny.
"Uh-Honey, there's been a slight mishap," Roy said finally freeing Johnny from the clutches of the vacuum. "The kids are a little orangey…"
Roy never finished his sentence. I imagine it might have had something to do with the expression on my face. There in front of me, my 4 ½ year old son was picking up cheese puffs off the carpet and stuffing them into his orange-stained face while my one year old daughter was bent over with her head in the bowl of cheese puffs that was now on the floor.
Jennifer then popped her head out of the bowl. "Cheeeessssieeees," she shouted happily as she dropped to the floor and stuffed a couple into her orange face. I quickly grabbed her on her sides and held her at arm's length from me. "Me want Cheesieees," she said.
"Christopher! Stop eating the cheesies off the floor," I yelled at him a little louder than I had intended.
"'UT 'OHMM, MMM PIKENUMUP," he said from his overstuffed mouth. He resembled a mutant chipmunk.
I stared at my two pumpkin-faced children. Jennifer was the worse of the two. The orange mess was in her hair, all over her clothes, her hands and feet. The only thing recognizable on her face were the two blue eyes that peered out of an apricot goo. Chris mostly had the stuff on his hands and face.
Do you ever wish that sometimes you could freeze-frame a moment in your day, look at it and say 'this is not my life'? Well, that's exactly how I felt right then. Why me? I also wanted to run to the nearest store outlet and buy plastic furniture covers.
I managed to maintain my composure. "Chris, go to the bathroom and wait for me or your father to help clean you up," I managed to say in a calm voice.
"Just don't touch…," he put his hand on the couch to help himself up leaving a carrot-colored print before I could finish the sentence. "Just don't touch…," he began to scout down the hallway and left three palm prints on the wall before I could finish issuing that sentence as well.
I could feel a fury bubbling up inside of me; not only because I had yucky-yammy kids, but the area around the sofa chair looked like a bomb of orange exploded there. The carpet was sure to be stained from the ground-in cheese puffs. There were smears of orange on the chair. I opened and closed my mouth several times. I wanted to scream something! Anything!
The only words that finally came out were, "I was going to take them to Sears tomorrow get their portraits done. Now they look like a couple of nectarines." I stomped off to the bathroom with my jack-o-lantern-faced daughter in my hands, leaving Roy and Johnny in the orange war zone.
Once I had the tub filled with warm, soapy water I put both kids in the tub. Immediately, the foamy bubbles turned a light cantaloupe color. I scrubbed down Chris first while Jennifer played with some bath toys I had handed her. Roy walked into the bathroom a few moments later to see if I needed any help. I pointedly ignored him.
"Jo," Roy said quietly as he knelt down beside me. All I could do was glare angrily at Roy. "Hey, we've been through worse, haven't we?"
"Not only do we have glowing, orange kids, but what about the stains in the carpet, the chair and the trail of handprints in the hallway," I spewed the list of things covered in orange pasty gunk.
"Johnny's working on getting the stains out of the carpet and chair. I was able to scrub the handprints off the wall," he reassured me. "How about when I get off shift in a couple of days we get that family portrait you want at Sears along with getting portraits of the kids."
You know, I've been after Roy for several months now to get a family portrait done. He hates getting his picture taken. I realized he was offering this to make me feel better, but I'm gonna hold him to it.
"Promise not to weasel out of the family portrait?"
He let out a defeated sigh. "I promise. You'll have a family portrait to hang up on the wall."
The great thing about Roy is when he promises me something, he doesn't go back on his word.
"Johnny can thank his lucky stars that this stuff came off the kids," I huffed.
"It isn't like the kids haven't made messes when we're around," he said in his friend's defense.
I glowered at him. Yes, he had a point. We certainly had cleaned up our share of icky stuff as a result of our children getting into things they weren't supposed to.
"I'll get Chris dressed while you work on Jennifer," he offered as I helped Chris out of the tub and into the towel Roy held out for him. He gathered Chris up into his arms and carried him off to his bedroom to dress him into some clean clothes.
I looked down at Jennifer who happily splashed around with her toys in the mucky, rust-colored bath water. I pulled the plug out of the tub and tried to remove as much of the gummy ring around the tub as I could while the water drained. I added more bubbles and fresh warm water as I began to wash her down. I washed her hair twice and managed to get orange color out of it. She wasn't too happy when I scrubbed her down the first time. The second time came the protests and squalling.
We both turned our attention to the splashing mermaid in the tub. "How's Daddy's little 'Nifer," Roy teased.
She answered with a tooting noise from her butt that was amplified by the tub. This resulted in some fresh bubbles squishing out from behind her in the tub. Roy laughed and gave her a "that's my little fart-blossom." I also couldn't help laughing at the merry, gassy little girl playing in the tub. Trust me, she gets it from Roy, NOT ME. I do have to admit, something about those fart bubbles seemed to lighten my mood and take the edge off of my anger.
Roy picked her up out of the tub and handed her into the towel I held out. I carried her into her bedroom and put her on the change table. Roy had already picked out a clean outfit for her to wear and had left it beside the table.
Roy had pulled out the playpen and set it up in the living where I set Jennifer into it before inspecting the carpet and couch. Johnny was on his hands and knees scouring out the stain in the carpet. He looked up at me as I furrowed my brow.
"I'm so, so sorry about this Jo. I vacuumed everything up really good first," Johnny said apologetically. "I just turned my head for a moment to try to explain to Chris how a mule can talk and he wondered if Francis and the talking horse Mister Ed were related. So I began to explain to him that horses and mules were distant cousins and what the differences between a mule and a horse were. Before I knew it Jennifer had grabbed the bowl of cheese puffs and dumped it. I-I asked Chris to pick them up off the floor while I went to grab the vacuum and then got tangled up in it…"
I was afraid he was going to pass out from rattling all that off without taking a breath so I held up my hand to indicate I had heard enough.
"Johnny, relax, I'm not going to forbid from ever setting foot into this house," I said to him as I watched the relief settle into his face. "However, if you ever bring cheese puffs here again, I might reconsider that," I said, wagging my finger at him.
"It looks like I pretty much got out the stains," he said pointing the newly clean spot.
I carefully inspected the rug and chair. I have to admit, I didn't find any traces of cheese puff residue remaining. "Hmmm, it does look pretty good."
"Yeah, well I had some practice getting these stains out when Chet mushed a better part of a bag of cheese puffs in my couch a few weeks ago when he was over," he admitted.
I made a comment about it being time for me to start supper and that he was welcomed to stay. Still feeling guilty and responsible over the orange mayhem, he offered to buy us pizza.
"It's the least I could do for all the trouble I caused this afternoon," he offered.
"You know, Roy picked up Kentucky Fried Chicken last week over the milk fiasco in the kitchen."
"This isn't the first time something like this has happened?" Johnny asked incredulously.
"Probably won't be the last either," I added dryly.
Roy cleared his throat, "Oh, you'd be surprised what a zoo it gets to be around here."
"Oh yeah, Roy happened to be getting Jennifer out of her crib while Christopher decided he was big enough to pour himself a glass of milk. A lake of white covered my kitchen floor. Poor Roy had to move the refrigerator to clean up the milk from underneath it."
After Johnny put away the cleaning supplies, he headed out the door to run home to change, promising to return with a fresh, hot pizza for supper.
I wish I could say that the rest of the afternoon and evening went without incident, but it didn't. There were a couple of minor little glitches that occurred. Johnny returned with a piping hot pizza and we all gathered around the kitchen table. He was the first one to take a bite out of the pizza, a rather large bite I might add. I had just taken a gulp of pop myself when Johnny quickly scrambled for his drink.
Yep, he ended up with a nice case of pizza burn on the roof of his mouth. I ended up almost choking on my drink as pop squirted out my nose with some of the spray landing on Roy. Another memorable scene at the DeSoto household. Johnny making an "Ah-ah, owwww" noise trying to cool his burning mouth with his hand flapping in front of his face like a deranged chicken. Roy was looking a little put out from getting sprayed by second-hand pop and me, well I lost it and began laughing hysterically.
All I could say at that moment was, "Uncle Owie strikes again."
Johnny talked like Mushmouth for the next couple of days according to Roy.
You know, the funny thing about these little disasters that occur in life is you don't always find them all that funny the moment they occur. The interesting thing is, these are the things we have good laughs over when we are reminiscing. Our 'Remember the time when…' moments. These are the memories freeze-framed in time that you never forget. Snapshots etched in our mind of kids coated in cheese dust, laughing liquid out your nose while finding something funny about a friend getting the roof of his mouth pizza-burned.
Authors Notes:
Rosey Grier was part of the LA Rams defensive line know as "Fearsome Foursome" along, Lamar Lundy(retired 1969, Lundy died on February 24, 2007)., Merlin Olsen (retired 1976) and Deacon Jones (left LA Rams in 1972). Dick Butkus referred to them "the most dominant line in football history." A torn Achilles tendon ended his football career during the 1967-68 season. He also stared in the movie " The Thing With Two Heads " in 1972 along with many guest appearances on various shows during the 70s and 80s.
Dick Butkus of the Chicago Bears guest starred on Emergency as Dave "The Animal" in the Season Three episode The Hard Hours . His nicknames included The Animal, The Robot of Destruction, The Maestro of Mayhem and the Enforcer. He was a two time All-American line backer and a first round draft choice for the Chicago Bears. He played for them between 1965-1973 and was named All-Pro linebacker seven times. He was considered to be the 'meanest' linebacker to every play football. He appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated in 1970 with the caption " The Most Feared Man in the Game. " Due to a knee injury in he was forced to retire in 1973. That year he limped off the field when the Bears played the Atlanta Falcons because the pain was too unbearable. Elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1979. Uniform number 51 retired by the Bears. Used to be seen frequently seen in Miller Lite commercials along side Bubba Smith.
Merlin Olsen only missed two games in his 15 seasons with the NFL. He played defensive tackle for the LA Rams between 1962-1976 and was part of the defensive line known as the "Fearsome Foursome." He was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1982. He is equally famous for his television roles as Jonathan Garvey on Little House on The Prairie and Father Murphy . He was a long time spokesperson for FTD florists appearing or doing voice overs for their commercials. He died March 11, 2010 of malignant pleural mesothelioma.
Fred Dryer played defensive end for the New York Giants as a first round draft choice in 1969 playing three seasons with them before finishing his 13 year football career with the L.A. Rams (1972-1981). He is a member of the College Football Hall of Fame. One of his college football teammates at San Diego State was Carl Weathers (Apollo Creed in Rocky ). He also holds the NFL record for most safeties in a single game (2). Equally well-known for his role of Rick Hunter on the television series Hunter (1984-1991) . He almost won the role of Sam Malone on Cheers but lost out to Ted Danson.
Just FYI Larry Csonka (Miami Dolphins) is another football player who appeared on Emergency in the episode " The Screenwriter " as Al , a worker exposed to some chemicals who roughed up all our 51 boys a bit. He wasn't mentioned in this story.
OHHHH, and Kevin Tighe did a guest appearance on the Cos (Bill Cosby) show in the 1976 episode called Neighbor, which is the reason for the Fat Albert references.