Work Text:
Your Kiss is A Drug
Author: Lucinda
main character: Angel thinking about Buffy
rating: pg, pg 13
disclaimer: I do not own Angel, Buffy, or anyone else from the series Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The song 'Bad Medicine' belongs to Bon Jovi - I don't own the song or the band, just a CD.
distribution: if you want it, ask. I'll probably say yes. SUF can have this, and Cat if she wants it.
note: set during late season 3.
summary: Angel ponders Buffy, his attraction to her, and the dangers it holds.
Angel sat on his bed, the rumpled crimson sheets taunting him with images of what he couldn't have. He could picture Buffy there, her skin looking golden, her hair like streams of sunshine spread over the bed as he... But he couldn't. They couldn't.
Oh, he was certainly capable, everything worked, but there was that horrible clause in the spell that anchored his soul. If he found a moment of perfect bliss, total contentment, his soul would be gone. So, while he and Buffy could... the cost would be far too high, too disastrous. They couldn't afford a repetition of that tragedy.
But that didn't stop his dreams, his wishful fantasies. Didn't stop the longing that filled him every time he thought of her, to touch her, to run his fingers through her hair, to kiss her... to join their bodies together in the most primal and passionate ways, the desire to taste her, to slip his fangs through her skin and drink her up, to keep her with him always...
I ain't got a fever got a permanent disease
It'll take more than a doctor to prescribe a remedy
I got lots of money but it isn't what I need
Gonna take more than a shot to get this poison out of me
I got all the symptoms count 'em 1,2,3
He'd tried not to fall for her. Tried to keep his distance, to let this glorious golden woman have as much happiness and sunlight as she could. But he'd always been there, lurking, watching her. He'd desired her even then, even knowing that he shouldn't, even knowing that it was her destiny to kill vampires. But he hadn't been able to stay away from her.
She'd tried to fight the attraction as well. There had been those boys that had flocked to her, Pike and Owen and Ford... The were drawn to her, for her vibrancy, her intensity, her passion for life. It was why she had been invited to that Frat party. But she'd kept coming back to him, no matter how many times she'd step away, glancing into the sunlight.
He couldn't have her, couldn't be with her the way he wanted. He couldn't hold her and comfort her after the big fights... that would lead to kissing her. He certainly couldn't be there for her during the day... he had problems with sunshine.
He had to find a way to stop loving her. He couldn't stand being so close to Buffy and not touching her, unable to have her. There had to be a way to stop the tormented longing, the desperate desires.
First I need
That's what you get for falling in love
Then you bleed
You get a little but it's never enough
On your knees
That's what you get for falling in love
And now this boy's addicted cause your kiss is the drug
In the beginning, he'd tried to convince himself that it was all about need. His need for redemption, her need for help in fighting the darkness. They'd needed someone to turn to, someone to watch their back, someone that understood how dangerous the night could be. He'd needed to help her.
He had ended up loving her.
Groaning, he allowed himself to fall backwards on the bed, remembering when his sheets had carried her scent. How could he stand to stay away? How could he remain in Sunnydale and not be with her? He needed her, needed to see her, to hear her voice, to delight in her smile.
Sometimes, he wondered how he'd survived the decades before Buffy. Before he'd met her, before she'd become the light in his darkness. He couldn't imagine life without her anymore.
Your love is like bad medicine
Bad medicine is what I need
Shake it up, just like bad medicine
There ain't no doctor that can
Cure my disease
Bad, bad medicine
Bad, bad medicine
More often, he wondered how he would survive now that he'd had her once and couldn't again. He'd tasted the pleasure of having her once, and craved having that pleasure again, craved her. Almost as if she was a drug that he was addicted to.
She'd thrown his life into confusion, making him feel more in the past few years than he'd felt in the decades before. She'd made him feel worry, jealousy, anger, love, passionate desire, acceptance, belonging... so many things. So many emotions and feelings. It was almost as if he hadn't truly been alive before he'd met her.
Not that he was quite alive now. If he had been, he would be with her now, holding her, kissing her. There would be no barriers between them and happiness.
But he wasn't mortal, wasn't human. He was a vampire. Not only that, but he had the most horrible curse that he could imagine... the key to happiness right before him, and if he ever reached out, ever claimed that happiness, everything would be ruined. He would be gone, his demon unleashed, his beloved devastated, her friends exposed to the fury of Angelus.
It was oh so easy to tell himself that he couldn't be with Buffy. He could even tell himself that he should avoid her, should stay away from his golden love. He just couldn't make himself stay away. He kept coming back, returning to her.
I don't need no needle
To be diving me a thrill
And I don't need no anesthesia
Or a nurse to bring a pill
I got a dirty down addition
It doesn't leave a track
I got a jone for your affection
Like a money on my back
There ain't no paramedic
Gonna save this heart attack
When he was with her, everything was so intense. It was as if every moment was etched into his memory, burrowing into him. Immortalizing her in his mind, in his memories. He could remember every moment they'd spent together, her clothing, the fall of her hair, the scent of her and that strawberry body wash...
She was his guilty pleasure. He craved time with her even as he tried to tell himself that he would be no good for her. Even as he tried to convince himself that he would only doom her and her friends. He just had to see her one more time. And then another time, and a 'last kiss', and another...
Buffy had slipped into his heart, and he would never be able to pry her out again. He couldn't forget her, couldn't leave her.
When you need
That's what you get for falling in love
Then you bleed
You get a little but it's never enough
On your knees
That's what you get for falling in love
Now I'm addicted and your kiss is the drug
Sometimes it was hard for him to believe how important she'd become to him. He'd risked his life... unlife... continued existence to help her, to keep her safe. He'd staked his own Sire to protect Buffy. She'd become that important to him.
In return... he had his memories of her, of that one, glorious perfect night, before... and he'd dreamed of her. She'd been there when he'd somehow been released from hell, she'd helped him. Kept him safe, fed him. If it hadn't been for her, he didn't know if he'd even still be here.
He wanted to kiss her, to drown in her eyes, the greenish blue of the ocean and surround himself in the sunlight of her hair. But he couldn't, didn't dare allow himself those pleasures.
Your love is like bad medicine
Bad medicine is what I need
Shake it up, just like bad medicine
So let's play doctor, baby
Cure my disease
Bad, bad medicine
Bad, bad medicine
He needed Buffy like mortals needed air, or water. But he couldn't have her. No matter how much he wanted her, no matter how much she wanted to be with him. He would have to break the habit... to find a way to stop loving and needing Buffy Summers.
Unfortunately, he had no idea how to do that. If he'd been capable of simply... cutting a feeling away, he would have far les trouble. But then, who could do that? Wouldn't that cause even more problems?
Perhaps this was some new form of penance for his sins. To know the perfect woman and be unable to have her. To look into the eyes of his beloved, to know how much she loved him, and have to push her away.
There was no cure for loving Buffy.
end Kiss is a Drug.