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I'm an expert in the human mind. I've spent years studying behaviors and the reason for them. I'm especially knowledgeable with sexual behaviors. I can identify a million reasons for someone having a sexual dysfunction, and the implications of that dysfunction. I know all about the human mind.
So why can't I understand my own mind?
I give off a deceptive appearance of self-confidence. Everyone I work with thinks I'm supremely confident, arrogant even. But... I'm not. Not even close. I know I have skills to analyze others. But that's it.
Years ago, that wasn't the case. I thought I was average. Well, not entirely; an FBI profiler isn't exactly normal. But, I thought I was close enough.
I was in love with a woman I met in medical school, I was sure of it. Sara and I shared a lot of interests and beliefs. And I did think she was pretty. I ignored my feelings when I found myself more attracted to men walking by us than her. It's odd, really; I'm a psychiatrist, but I tried to change my own sexual orientation.
Eventually, we got married. It never occurred to me that I might be repressing myself, subconsciously or otherwise.
We hadn't had sex yet, and on our first night together after being married, she wanted to. I agreed and we started kissing and undressing. We laid down on the bed... and that's when it hit me.
I didn't find her sexually attractive, or any women at all for that matter. Even if I did, my body certainly didn't.
How could I have failed to notice? I hadn't bothered to think about anything but being straight, even though they encouraged self-exploration in my psychology classes.
I managed to pretend, though, but it only made it worse for me. Because the only way I was able to get hard... was by thinking about a man. Jake. We'd met in medical school, too, and he had even asked me out once. I'd vehemently denied being attracted to men, and I told him no... but he was attractive. I couldn't stop thinking about him.
Feeling more conflicted than I had in my life, I had sex with Sara... pretending that it was Jake's. Jake's tongue dancing with mine, Jake's voice moaning and pleading and shouting, Jake's body tensing and shuddering beneath mine.
I could have stopped pretending there. I should have stopped there. But I didn't. I pretended to spoon up with Jake and pictured what it would be like to hug a masculine body instead of a feminine one.
The former was a much more appealing option.
I swallowed nervously as the thought occurred to me. I'd just gotten married! How could I just be finding out I was gay now? I thought briefly that maybe I was bisexual, but I knew... I wasn't attracted to women. I'd only been pretending.
I was soon called to the Special Victims Unit. Fortunately, none of the people I worked with cared about my personal life.
Years passed. I tried, against all the knowledge I'd gained while getting my degree, to make myself attracted to her. I knew I liked her personality, but I just never got aroused by her.
I almost breathed a sigh of relief when she filed for divorce first. We cited irreconcilable differences; our hours prevented us from having much time together, and we loved our work too much to change it. We're still on good terms, though I still haven't told her about what I realized.
The night our divorce was finalized, I went to Jake and talked to him. I told him everything. He listened patiently and informed me that it had been a lot like that for him, though without having actually gotten married first. But we both knew that it happens like that for a lot of people. I still was upset, though. I thanked him and left.
We started getting closer during the weeks after that, talking over dinner as I gradually began to accept my orientation.
And then, one night after dinner, he leaned forward and ever-so-gently kissed me. My breath hitched in my throat. I wanted the kiss so badly, but doing this would make it so.. final.
He waited. And waited. He started to pull away, and then I made up my mind and pulled him in, deepening the kiss.
Jake and I have been together for several years now. I feel comfortable with him and the relationship, which is a definite relief. Still, I'm baffled that I've spent my whole life getting inside people's heads, but I missed something so important about myself.
Jake always points out that doctors are notoriously bad at analyzing themselves, and that extends to the mind. I suppose he's right.
I'm upset that it took me so long to figure out that I'm gay. Jake is worth it, and I know that I love him and he's my match... but I can't help but wish that I knew as much about myself as I did about others, that I was as confident as others thought I was.
Still, I'm only human, I guess.