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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-05
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1,925
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1/1
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Our Little World

Summary:

Beliefs are questioned. If this subject is sensitive for you, please be warned.

Work Text:

"Hey Blair." I looked up to see that my partner Jim had an interesting look on his face. I mean I should know I put them there enough. It was a look that said I've wondered about something for a long time and I just now have put two and two together. Not to say that Jim Ellison is stupid, by no means is he dumb at all. It's just he's a bit behind on the social skills. He used to be worse, rigid I mean, like you could bounce quarters off of him, which you can....but I digress. I looked up again and this time noticed the look had morphed into impatience.

"Ah sorry man, sometimes it takes a minute to shift gears." I shrugged and Jim nodded with that half ass grin of his that kind of lights up a place. Not that I noticed or anything. I gulped to swallow down the rest of the internal commentary to listen.

"I've been meaning to ask you something for a while now Chief." Jim asked while cupping the back of his own neck as he walked back to the couch in front of the TV with another round of beers. He rubbed it, a sure sign that Jim didn't want to talk about what they were soon to be discussing.

"Ask away," I offered. Honestly, it's not like there's any secrets at all between us. Okay, okay other secrets but let's not open THAT can of worms.

Jim sighed and got comfortable in that easy sprawl for such a big guy, toasted his bottle to me and asked, "What do you believe in?"

"Huh?" Jim never asks about things like this unless he's forced or has to. "Did my mother call or something? She's not sick is she?" I felt a familiar old panic rise up in my gut. My mom was a weird modern hippie, but she's my mom man and I will always love her and why is he taking so long to answer?

"Whoa there Chief," Jim put his hands up to try to calm me down. "Don't go to pieces on me. This has nothing to do with Naomi, and I haven't talked to you since the last time she visited. She doesn't exactly go out of her way to talk to your cop room mate if she doesn't have to."

I nodded. Mom hates cops, even if she likes Jim and probably knows how I feel about him she still can't forgive him for being a cop and then getting me involved too. I ran a shaky hand through my hair. "So what gives?"

"Well, I mean, between your tribal culture studies, being raised Jewish and then �""

"Dealing with the perfect Catholic boy in the house?" I smirked and got rewarded with a pillow to the head. Really saw that coming though. I think he knew that 'cause he smiled at me and laughed.

I drank some of my beer when I saw the look on Jim's face; he really wanted to know. "Well, you know it's not a fair question."

"What do you mean by that?" Jim snapped.

"The fountain man, I've already been there and back so to speak. And let me tell you it's a pretty trippy place." And even as I said the words, I recalled the calm and it must have echoed in my voice.

"You make it sound like you want to go back." Jim's voice had changed again. I notice because its part and parcel of the whole Guide thing; that and living out of each others back pockets for the past couple of years. Oh who am I kidding? I wish!

Before I could stop it, my heart got to my mouth before my internal monologue filters did and I wound up saying, "Not without you Jim." My hands shot to my mouth to cover it and I felt my eyes go wide.

Jim kind of cocked his head to the side and then shook it as if to clear it. Then he cleared his throat. I'm glad he was so occupied doing whatever it was he was doing because it gave me time to rant at myself. How could I have said that? Taking a deep breath I removed my hands from my mouth and tried to pretend I'd never said it and he never heard it. After all, why should I be the first to mention it if he was going to ignore that comment, so would I. "So what about my beliefs are you so keen to know about?"

"Right, right that's what we were talking about." Jim moved so he was now facing the coffee table instead of being sprawled out. He was closing up because of what I said. How could I be so stupid?

"Well I like to think that there's something out there. I mean I've definitely seen some weird shit and some that could qualify for a miracle but having to go to church or synagogue on a regular basis? It's just not for me."

"Is that it?" Jim asked in disbelief. "Something?"

"Does it need to be more than that? What's in a name? I would have to say that I like to create my own sacred space and not have it dictated to me. And when I connect with the Universal Energy, Spirit, Yahweh, whatever - I want it to be on my terms, you know?"

"But doesn't it drive you crazy being so non-conventional? Look at what you're missing out by being so different. How can you know who you answer to?"

My own senses were going off. "Is there something you need to answer for Jim? Is it something that your religious beliefs don't approve of?"

Jim shot to his feet. "We are not having this conversation Chief. It's over. Want another beer?"

Oh, I must have hit close to the mark on that one. What could it be? As I watched Jim dig for beers, my mind went to work. What does the Church not believe that would have Jim so upset, he believes he'd have to answer for it? Adultery? Jim's not married anymore, thank god. I mean his ex is okay but too stiff for Jim. Murder? Not likely. There hadn't been a big shoot out in awhile and Jim was a Ranger for cripes sake? Stealing? Gluttony? Envy? Lust?

I froze. I couldn't breathe. Jim wanted someone that the Church wouldn't approve of. But why question my beliefs unless it had to do with me? Could it be that this was about me? No, Jim was straight. How many times do I have to tell myself that before this stupid grain of hope that keeps killing me dies?

"I'm sure that whatever you did isn't that bad Jim. You're getting all worked up about nothing, Besides, doesn't the Church also teach that God loves you, no matter your sins that you are always forgiven? Wouldn't God want you to be happy?"

Jim stopped halfway back, listened and then sat down as he absorbed the words. When he looked back up I could see some hope. In a near whisper he said something that came out of left field, conversation-wise. "When I was with the Chopec it was considered a great honor to be with a warrior after battle."

What was Jim getting at? Sure the Chopec warriors had sex after battle, even spiritual battle or for celebrations they were a very loving and close people. But that was the practice in many civilizations. "Yeah, even in Rome it was common and sometimes they even had male lovers on the field to �""

Ding! Ding! Ding Blair! We have a winner and by the puppy dog hopeful, embarrassed blushing sex on legs in front of my face I may have my dream come true by the end of the night if I play this right.

"You know Jim; many would consider it an honor to be a mate of a Sentinel, male or female. I would." I tossed the last bit in so quietly that only he could have heard it. And I wanted him to hear it, now if I could just convince my stomach of that. I smiled hopefully. If he doesn't say something real soon I think I'll just hurl. Maybe I should go on a beer run �"

"Blair." Oh no. He's using his listen and look at me voice. But if I look up he's going to know how badly I just want to fuck his brains out. Or he can have the honors at this point! I don't really care who does what, as long as something gets done around here!

I raised my eyes to his piercing mine, searching I could see it in the depths of his blue eyes. They look stormy and gray when he's like this with just a reminder of blue all around. Beautiful really. I bit my tongue so I didn't sigh like some blushing school girl. "Jim?"

"Can a Guide be a mate?" Jim just asked the million dollar question. Now if I can just grab a hold of some and think of the right answers to say. My hand ran through my hair again while I tried to think. I could hear myself stuttering and bit my tongue a bit harder. Taking a deep breath he then said, "I want that."

My eyes must have been like saucers. This is why Jim's been beating himself up because gays aren't allowed in his definition of religion? "You do?" But Jim is straight! "Oh, you mean like Alex but not all evil right?" I chuckled nervously. I'm bad that way. Don't even take me to a funeral.

"Not Alex. You Chief. I think you want this too, unless my sense of smell has gone offline and I don't smell testosterones every time I'm near you?" Jim smiled sadly. "But you see my problem don't you?"

"You want me and your religion forbids it," I summed up in a nervous whisper as it all clicked into place. Would Jim dump us before we even start?

"In a nutshell." Jim shrugged. "Sorry to have freaked you out Chief."

"No!" I put a hand out and grabbed his shoulder. Jim looked at it and hesitantly put his hand up, clasping my elbow. Both of us looked at that. The weird thing is we've touched like a zillion times and now it was different, electric and forbidden. "Your senses are working fine and I'm not freaked out. Surprised sure. Surprised as shit actually, I thought you were like the walking role model of all things heterosexual."

Jim laughed and slowly moved a bit closer to me. And then even closer. A moment frozen in time where one Jim Ellison weighed his faith against his heart:

Santana was playing in the kitchen from when Jim left it on.

The basketball game was playing on the tube with the sound down so we didn't have to hear the announcers but the action still flickered at the corner of my eyes.

I could smell the taste of dinner in the air.

Jim's shoulder was like heated metal beneath my hand, searing me.

And his lips branded mine with the taste of Jim's sin and his desire. Maybe I was evil, a sinner to him too.

But in our hearts we were one, giving birth to new ideas, new futures and love, at least in our little world of two.