'm still sitting on the floor where Sirius Black left me, trapped in my own thoughts. He broke into my quarters, obviously intent on raping me, and left the moment I gave up. Did he just want to see how far he can go? He should know by now that he can get away with everything, at least where I am concerned.
He could hurt me, maim me, break me to pieces and kill me and no one would mind. That's why I won't tell anyone about his attack. That's why I wouldn't have told anyone even if he brought to an end what he started.
I'm both scared and fascinated by the power he has over me. It's not just that he can do whatever he wants to me and no one would object, it's also that I lose my
composure whenever I see him. One glare of his is enough and the cold facade I show to the world shatters. My heartbeat fastens, my blood burns, and I either want to jump at him or run away, I'm not sure which. I shout, I scream, I tremble, nothing is left from the cold, calm, controlled Professor Snape the world knows me as. Not even Voldemort has that much power over me.
I can still feel Black's hands on me, ripping off my pyjamas, touching me everywhere, strong arms holding me down. His greedy lips tasting my skin, his tongue forcing its way into my mouth. The madness in his eyes. Just like in the fantasies I used to have.
I hear my hysteric laughter echoing from the walls. Oh yes, I indulged in a lot of fantasies about Black before tonight. Rape fantasies are so easy, especially if the
object of your desire is someone you despise. One can so easily shift the blame on the other while indulging in that kind of day-dreams. Until they come true.
Now I feel defiled, by his touch, by me giving up because I knew he was stronger anyway, but mostly because I had these fantasies before.
I still don't understand why Sirius Black did that; why he first tried to rape me but left as soon as he had broken my resistance. To show me that he can? Doesn't he
know that I learned 20 years ago that he can do whatever he wants to me and Dumbledore, everyone, will just shake their heads and tell him that his last prank was not funny? Did Black just want to remind me on his power?
It's cold, I should get up and take on some clothes, but there's not even enough energy left in my body to do that. All I can do is sit here, trapped in my thoughts, my inability to understand Black's motives.