SquidgeWorld Archive

When Bad Frannies Happen to Good Mounties
by ttrummer

"Geez...come on!" Every word was punctuated by the sound of booted-feet impacting the hard wood of the Inspector's door. "Enough already, huh?! Whatever I did, which by the way you STILL won't tell me, I've said I'm sorry!" A staccato volley of fist-thumps later... "Enough's enough! Open the door and just talk to me already!"

Before Benton Fraser of the RCMP could disgrace his uniform with a most undignified burst of tears, he finally heard the soft rumbling sounds of an indignant Renfield Turnbull steering his erstwhile partner firmly off of the premises. Sighing shakily, he sank down to the floor, his proud red serge crumpling above his waistline as he braced himself against the Inspector's desk. "Oh, God." He didn't even hear Diefenbaker's concerned whining from the other side of his makeshift barrier to the world outside. His mind was trapped - stuck in a seemingly unending loop, recalling the events that had led him to this untenable situation.

He just couldn't understand how he had let himself slip so badly. It was a day like any other; help vacationing Canadians via the telephone, stand guard duty until his replacement arrived, walk with Diefenbaker to the 27th, politely rebuff Mathilde at the front desk, kindly fend off Karen in records, patiently extricate himself from Francesca Vecchio's determined clutches..."I can't believe - " The tears would no longer be contained. "How could I be so reckless?"

"Vecchio! My office." Ray sighed as his co-workers cringed in sympathy. Even Dewey kept his smart-ass remarks to himself for a change, weird but true. He tossed his jacket over one shoulder and walked determinedly into the lion's den.

"Yes, sir?"

"Have a seat, son." He knew full well that this paternal act of Welsh's did not bode well. His boss was never this `sweet'. The concerned father approach always left him feeling like a lost little boy, unsure of his place in things and too confused about how to respond.

He forcibly shrugged off his nerves. "Sir, I was just going to ask if I could take some personal time. My head just isn't in the game today and you'd be better off-"

"Put a lid on it and park your ass." Great. Just that quickly, `Papa Welsh' was gone. At least Ray could deal with this attitude, as much as it sucked donkey-balls. The perfect topper to the perfect morning. He just wanted to go home and let off some steam, to try to figure out what he'd done that was so bad that his best friend was no longer speaking to him. He could only pray that Fraser hadn't figured out...he swallowed again. Reminding himself that Fraser suddenly catching wise to him, was as unlikely a scenario as anything else, didn't make him feel any less scared. In a blink of an eye, his entire life could be over. Blind panic was overtaking him - as usual it expressed itself in an almost irrational anger. All he wanted was a lousy couple of hours off of work, for which he had plenty of time saved up, and he was getting grief?

"No. I've got time to spare and I'm using some. You don't like it? Tough."

He had never seen his Lieutenant turn quite that shade of purple before. It was not at all flattering when contrasted against the fluorescent lighting from the overhead fixtures. Something about seeing Welsh's like that, drained him of all his pigment and sent him scurrying toward the chair being proffered. "Sit."

"Or I can just take a seat right here and you can tell me what's the deal?"

"Good thinking." Ray stared at the other man in silence, finally getting a good look at his eyes.

"Christ." He shuddered and looked away. "Who died?"

Mama Vecchio held the phone away from her head and stared at it, as if hoping it would grow wings and take flight. "You did what?!"

She shook her head, tears falling from her eyes. "How could you? What did I ever do to teach you to behave this way? Our poor Benton! That boy has been nothing but kind to this family, and you-" The words caught in her throat. "I cannot believe that you would do this; that you would behave this way. I am very disappointed in you."

Her hands shook with an anger matched only by her voice. "You most certainly will NOT! What you will do, young lady, is march home right this minute. This is not up for discussion - or it will be up for discussion as soon as you get your disgraceful self home. Now." She quietly hung up the receiver and reached for the lovely handcrafted leather address book that Benton had given her last Christmas. She had some calls to make.

"-So there's Frannie, in that black lace midriff and that slutty, little mini that she wears, pushing poor Fraser up against the filing cabinet." Karen paused to allow the scene she had described to sink in. "I swear, Maddie, you couldn't have fit a pencil between them. I felt so bad for him."

"That tramp! So, then what happened?" Mathilde leaned forward, not wanting to miss a detail.

"She wriggled right up to him and planted one right on him!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!

"YES...and he just stood there for a second, his eyes got as big as that belt-buckle of his..."

"Then what?!"

"He shoved her back so far, she twisted on those three inch heels of hers and fell right on her ass!"

They both took a moment to laugh at their rival's misfortune.

Mathilde gasped and took a drink of her, now cold, coffee. "Serves her right!"

Karen's face suddenly turned serious once again. "Yeah, but- "

"What? You don't think she deserves it? After the way that she acts around him? It's disgusting!"

"Maybe so, but Frannie can get kind of mean when she's mad." Both girls shuddered, each remembering an instance when they, themselves, had angered the other woman.

"Oh, no!" The inference had finally sunk in and Mathilde was visibly concerned. "What did she do?"

"Well, for starters, just about everyone had come over to see what the commotion was all about, so there must have been about sixty people just standing there - staring. You know how shy Fraser is...why he can barely stand still long enough to say `hello', much less be the focus of all that attention."

"Yeah, I know. You try to make polite conversation with the guy and he's all blushes and stammers - then it's like he can't get away fast enough."

"Exactly." Karen nodded, glad that the other girl understood about their Mountie's sensibilities. "So, there's our Fraser, as bright red as his uniform, apologizing like crazy."

"The poor guy!"

"I know. He's all, `I love you like a sister, Francesca.' And, `I'm sorry, Francesca.' But, it's all coming out at once, and he was mumbling something fierce, so it's really hard to understand him, and- "

"Take a breath, Karen, sheesh!" She waited until her friend had calmed down a bit. "Okay, so what did poor little Miss Frannie do to him?"

"Well, for starters...she started cursing at him in Italian. You couldn't understand a word of it, but you could just `tell', you know?" Mathilde nodded. They had both been on the receiving end of one of Frannie's famous diatribes. "Then, she switches to English. She starts broadcasting to anybody who would listen about what a loser he is and how he ain't got any friends on account of how he grew up and stuff."

"That bitch!"

"Just wait," Karen took another deep breath and held it for several seconds before continuing. "That wasn't good enough for her. Oh, no. Then she starts in about how the only woman he's ever slept with was a criminal and how desperate he was for love that her own brother had to shoot him to stop him from making a fool of himself."

"No way! That rumor has been around forever. But we all know better than to talk about it where he could hear, that's just not right! He must have been soooo hurt. I think that's just about the lowest-" Mathilde saw the expression on her friend's face. "What? Come on, what could be worse than that?"

"By this time, Fraser's just standing there staring straight ahead, like he's a statue or something...it was kind of creepy, I tell you. But, you know Frannie. She was just getting started. She got right up in his face, like it pissed her off that he wasn't saying anything anymore. She yelled at him at the top of her lungs, that he wouldn't know a good thing if jumped up and bit him on the ass and that what he knows about women wouldn't fit inside a thimble, seeing as he hasn't been seen out with anybody since some girl named Victoria, and since that was almost two years ago and all he does is hang around with her brother-"

"Christ. Just cut to the chase already. What- did- she- say?"

"Okay, okay! She said that since he obviously didn't know what to do with a woman and that since he spends every waking moment with her brother, he might as well just switch teams. She even offered to hook him up with her brother, if that's the way he wanted to swing."

"That's it? That's the big news that's got everybody all worked up? Frannie acting like a tramp is not news. Frannie being catty, also not exactly worth getting worked up over. I can see why people who know Fraser might be some kind of pissed at her, but really! So, Fraser just laughed his ass at her stupidity. That's no reason for everybody to spend the rest of the afternoon gabbing about it? So what?"

"Sweetie, you need to promise to be calm."

"Why do I need to be calm? Oh. Oh. Un-unh, no way!"

"As I was saying, Fraser was just standing there in all his statue- like glory, for like the entire time, while Frannie's throwing shit at him faster than she can wink...and that's saying something. He doesn't move at all, I swear that you couldn't even see his lips move or nothing, but there's this soft voice saying, `I'm not in love with your brother.' That riled her up even more, because she started yelling again about how she's noticed that he didn't deny being gay. Then she gets all serious and I could swear you could see the wheels turning in her head...but I don't exactly understand it, because he just denied it and everything, but so she repeats herself, `I get it! You're in love with Ray! You're a big stupid gay Mountie and you're in love with Ray! You're gay for Ray! Gay, gay gay!"

"- And?" Mathilde had a pinched look around her eyes, like she knew what was coming.

"And Fraser, who has been one of the dearest friends that I could ever ask for, leaned down and yelled back." Frannie's voice floated quietly over the table.

"God, Frannie!"

"It's okay. I deserve it, I know. But Fraser didn't and doesn't. So, please, for his sake, Karen, please don't repeat what happened anymore, okay?" Francesca Vecchio burst into tears. "I've done enough. Please don't make it worse for him."

"I promise you that I do understand how important this work is. I'm telling you that this is a family emergency. Now, are you going to get a message to him or not?" Mama's smile was small, but grateful. "Thank you!"

"- With me, Detective?" Welsh snapped his fingers repeatedly.

"Wh-huh?"

Detective Raymond Kowalski stared at his commanding officer without one iota of comprehension.

"Christ, Ray, don't make me repeat that all again, please?" He sounded weary. Ray could only presume that after the third attempt to communicate today's events in the bullpen, he had become somewhat impatient at his continued inability to make sense of the explanation.

"So...he really said that?"

"Yes, Detective. He really said that." Welsh grimaced. "Well, yelled it really. I didn't know that he even knew how to yell. It was...disconcerting to say the least. He probably picked it up from hanging around you too much."

"Well. Huh. I never really thought that...and you think he really meant it?" As he received a positive nod, his blank stare was dissolving into a small smile. "So, what's the department's position on..."

"And so surely, you can see, Inspector, why it is so important that you grant my transfer request or discharge me from my service here post-haste. I have disgraced our great country and this uniform."

The `Ice-Queen', as Ray had dubbed her, was in full-frigid form. Not an expression crossed her face as she calmly assessed her emotionally fragile charge. "Patience, Constable. Can you reiterate the outcome of this incident again for Turnbull? I do believe that he neglected to notate the last bit on his report."

Truly, Turnbull looked like a stunned deer. Only by sharply clapping her hands in front of the shocked man's face was she able to direct him back to the task at hand. "Er, quite. Shall I?"

"Please do."

He flipped pages back and forth furiously until he finally gave up on the intestinal fortitude necessary to repeat the last portion of the conversation verbatim. "Um...I appear to have lost the thread right after your rather, if I may say, unfortunate, outburst."

"Sir-?"

"Yes, what is it, Constable Fraser?" She appeared quite put out by the whole situation, especially the condition of her door, which she had mentioned repeatedly.

"Must I...?" He looked at his supervisor in what approximated a whipped puppy expression.

"Yes, I'm afraid so." Fraser looked at her in obvious distress. "I know that this is embarrassing personally to you Constable. However, you surely see the necessity of accuracy in this instance. You have made a request of this Consulate, which is by no means to be taken lightly. We must have full documentation."

Turnbull looked as if he wanted to run as far as his feet would carry him, but his duty held him steadfast.

Fraser sighed dramatically. "Very well." He poured himself a glass of water from the pitcher on his superior's desk, helping himself to a rather significant amount before attempting to continue forward from the point in which his co-worker had unfortunately left off. "Detective Vecchio arrived momentarily after `the incident' I advised him of my intention to seek a transfer, as it is obviously untenable to continue on as his partner. He was, I believe `shocked', is a fair description. He was quite vociferous in voicing his refusal to accept my decision. When I endeavored to walk back here, to the Consulate, he attempted to follow me by automobile, debating my sanity in a loud and aggressive manner. He said that it
wasn't `buddies', that he thought we were friends and friends don't do this to one another. At which point-"

"At which point, this idiot screams that he can't be friends, that he doesn't want to be friends anymore, and to leave him the hell alone. Only, see, I can't do that."

"Ray!"

"Detective Vecchio, thank God. I don't think I could have kept him occupied much longer." With a pointed look to Turnbull, they vacated her office as quickly as humanly possible. She peeked her head back around the corner to call out a parting volley. "Oh, and Detective? I expect full reimbursement to the Canadian government for the repair of the gouges and scuff marks on my door, understood?"

"Sure. Whatever." Ray spun around as said door closed firmly behind them. "Sooooo..." He glared at his partner. "Got somethin' you want to share with the class there, Frase?"

"Wh-?"

"Sure! You run your yap all morning and you don't got two words to string together for me. But let me ask you something. You ever think that maybe you should share important stuff like that with your partner? That ain't buddies Fraser. That ain't even close."

"I don't think...Ray, I think you might be suffering from some...I don't think you know...Hell."

"FRASER! I ought to wash your mouth out with soap. Look, I know you're all, whatchacallit, discomboozled over this whole thing here, so I'm gonna make it easy for ya'."

"Discombobulated." Fraser corrected automatically. "But that's not really-"

"Shut up already, will ya'? Didn't I just say I was going to make it easy? Wasn't that me? Am I just talking to hear myself talk here or what? No! Don't answer that, it's `er...rhetorical or whatsit, so you just keep your trap shut `til I say different. Nod if you understand." Nodding was all that Fraser could accomplish with Ray's hand planted firmly over his mouth.

"Good. So, like I was sayin'. Easy. We're going to stick to `true' or `false' here. You are going to answer me true or false to some questions, just like on the stand, get it?" Frantic nodding. "Let me put it to you this way. I'm not asking you to cooperate here, I'm telling you. You answer true or false. You do that and you don't get kicked in the head." Fraser's eyes were comically wide as he reluctantly acquiesced. "Good to see you've still got a lick of sense, anyway." The hand was removed, damp palm swiped over black denim. "Here goes - "

"Ray-"

"I ain't asked nothin' yet, and that doesn't sound like true or false to me. Don't push your luck here, Frase, I mean it."

Fraser was obviously uncomfortable, shifting left and right as if trying to figure the distance to the nearest exit.

"Stand at attention, there buddy and answer me this." The Mountie locked his muscles into his `guard stance' and stared straight forward, a perfect parody of a toy soldier, if he weren't shaking so badly that his hat was in danger of toppling to the ground. "You had a, whosit, an altercation with a certain Frannie Vecchio today. True or false?"

Swallowing as if tasting bile, he managed to whisper his reply. "True."

"Okay, take it easy, Frase. That's real interesting. I heard that Frannie kissed you open-mouth, spit swapping right on the lips. True or false."

"True" They both shared a shiver of dismay.

"Jesus, that must have been bad...'er...uncomfortable for you I mean-"

"True."

"That wasn't a question, but I'm glad to see you're getting the groove here." Ray gave a small chuckle, before schooling his features. "Sometime after this `kiss' and the time I got there, Frannie accused you of being in love with her brother."

"Ray-" A dark look. A deep sigh. "True."

"Okay. So far so good. Here's the first biggie...are you in love with her brother?"

"Not per se..."

"Fraser..."

"All right. Fine then. False." Fraser's smile was grim.

"Frannie asked you in front of God and everybody if you were gay."

"That's not exactly-" He sighed and gave in gracelessly. "True."

"You agreed that you were." Fraser went back to staring sightlessly ahead, thus completely missed the hopeful expression on his partner's face.

"False."

"False?!" Ray spun to face the door, confusion and dismay warring for control of his features.

"True."

"Goddamn it, Fraser, which is it? Did you tell her that you are gay or not?!" He clenched his hands into tight fists, clearly avoiding having to face the answer to his question, if his partner had been inclined to glance at him.

"It's true that the answer to your question is `false', Ray." He sounded anything but sorry. He sounded just shy of triumphant. "I can categorically deny telling Francesca Vecchio or anyone else, for that matter, that I am gay."

"Oh." His shoulders seemed to crumple. "That's it then." He reached for the doorknob, turning it slowly. "Good luck to you, Fraser. You...I'll miss you."

"Oh, for pity's sake!" The door burst open to admit motley, looking bunch of eavesdroppers who wasted no time in shoving Ray back into the room and into a melancholy Mountie. "Ma, tell me that this is not the idiot that they sent in to replace me. Huh, tell me that would you? Christ on the cross, I swear that man couldn't pretend to be me if I were laying brain-damaged in the hospital."

"Uh, Detective Vecchio, is it?" The receding hairline tracked a finely coiffed woman from head to toe.

"Yes, Ms. Kowalski, the real Detective Ray Vecchio at your service."

"Call me Stella, please." She smiled openly at the well-dressed Italian. "If possible, could you refrain from speaking about the aindamagebray, okay? Stanley's a little sensitive about his learning disability and-"

"Just fuckin' shoot me now. Somebody. Anybody. Jeez, Stell. I may be damaged, but even I know fucking Pig Latin! Do you gotta talk about it like that? And what the freak is up with the `Stanley' bit? You know I hate that! Oh, that's probably because that's the real Vecchio there that you're making cow-eyes at, right? Why in the holy hell is he here? What are you all doing here? I swear I oughta fuc-"

"Stanley Raymond Kowalski! Watch your mouth, there's ladies present."

"Yes, ma'am." Ray's spiked head bobbed up and down in automatic agreement. "Wait a minute...MA?!"

"Ray, we decided to..." Francesca Vecchio attempt to cut in unfortunately caught the attention of the Mountie she had offended so badly earlier.

"Frannie? Oh, God. Please, everybody - please just leave me alone. Go!" The red serge was wobbling unsteadily; it looked to take its owner down for the count at any moment. The only one who took pity on him was Diefenbaker, but that could have something to do with the timely delivery of Turnbull's pizza at the main entry to the Consulate.

"Fraser. I don't have words for how sorry I am. But, I'm trying to make it better, I swear. Just give me a chance, please?" His face was cut from stone and Kowalski wasn't looking any too receptive either.

"We knew that you two would somehow manage to screw this up. So, we did what any sensible officer does when the situation is bound for hell in a hand-basket. We called for back-up."

"Et tu, Lieutenant?"

"Yes, Constable, me, too. When Ma Vecchio called and suggested that we-" He waved an arm indicating the collected troops, only to be cut short by his irate insubordinate.

"Lieutenant Welsh, sir, all due respect, but I think you all just need to but the f-, I mean heck out now, okay?" Ray shot his mother an apologetic look.

"Detective, and I can honestly say that at this point, I am not sure how you came to be a detective at all. Please refrain from speaking any more right now. Ma Vecchio?" He clapped his hands once to ensure that he had everyone's silence and cooperation. "If you would like to proceed?"

"Thank you, Lieutenant Welsh. It is my pleasure and also my shame. I will explain. I ask, Benton, that you trust me please, and do not interrupt. I know that a member of our family has treated you shamefully, but can you grant me that one request, please?"

"I suppose, if I must."

"Yes, I think that it is most necessary, thank you. Today my Francesca behaved very poorly. She has brought embarrassment and shame to our name. She has something to say now in front of everyone here. Isn't that right, Francesca?"

"Yes, Mama." She stared down at her shoes, her hair carefully shading her reddened face. "I've been feeling very bad about myself lately. I flirted with Fraser to the point of embarrassing him in public...because I feel like I'm not attractive to anyone. This is my problem. Not anybody else's. When he..." Soft sobbing broke her train of thought and her brother, who had been far from her grasp for so long, reached to embrace her, lending her his strength. "When he didn't want me either, I felt so bad. I struck out at him. I said terrible things. Hurtful things. I am so sorry, Fraser. I know that I don't deserve it, but I hope that you can forgive me someday."

Benton clearly weighed her words carefully, and while obviously still unhappy, he managed a small smile. "That was a lovely apology, Frannie. And while, right this moment, I am still endeavoring to deal with the consequences of your behavior, I do feel that I can forgive you. After all, you are like my surrogate sister. That's what I was trying to tell you earlier, when you-" He stopped himself from delving back into her transgressions. "In any case, I sincerely doubt that I could stay angry with you forever. You are much too charming to allow that."

"That's it, Ma! That's where we went wrong. We should have sent her to charm school!."

"Shut up, Raimondo." Frannie smacked her brother on the arm and glared. "Frannie, you have finished your apology, now go sit down someplace and let the grown-ups talk." Ma Vecchio was obviously not as forgiving as Benton Fraser. "Now, I understand that Francesca accused you of being a homosexual and of being in love with my son. You denied this rather loudly, yes?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Thank God." Ma spun and whacked her son along side his well-groomed head. "I told you that I didn't have anything to do with this disaster. As soon as this farce is over with, I've got to get back to-"

"Last warning, Raimondo. I too, thought it doubtful, but if it were true...you must see why I requested you be here. Besides, it is clear, is it not, that your sister in need of her brother's guidance."

"Yes, Ma." Ray Vecchio the sore spot and backed out of the way quickly.

"As I was saying...you denied being gay or loving my son, but you also admitted to being in love with Ray. Correct?"

"You can't! Please...don't." His words were soft and pained.

"This is very important, Benton, or I would not ask it of you. Are you in love with the Ray who is not my son?"

A small tract of tears trailed down his chiseled face. "Yes, ma'am."

"Lieutenant Welsh, can you please tell us what Ray Kowalksi had to say about this earlier today?"

"I can speak for myself." The blonde detective looked indignant.

Ray's father chose that moment to speak up. "Son, you need to be quiet now."

"Yes, Stanley. You both had your chance to do this right and you screwed it all up. It took forever to put this together, now you-"

"Forever, Mom?! It's only 7:30. On what planet does six and a half hours equal forever?"

"Stanley. You will not address your mother like that again. Are we clear?"

"Yes, Dad. As Waterbury."

"Um...Ray, I assume you were intending to reference a company that manufactures crystal. That's Waterford, Ray. Waterbury is a small t-"

"Whatever, Fraser, just shut up about it already."

"Stanley!"

"Sorry, Mom." Ray Vecchio snickered loudly. "That's enough out of you!"

"Stanley! Where are your manners?"

"I said that I'm sorry. What more do you people want from me?" Ray was clearly frightened and striking out aimlessly in an attempt to mask his fear.

"Just ignore him and go on, Lieutenant."

"Thank you, Barbara. Detective Kowalski asked me about departmental policy regarding same-sex couples. Now Constable, why do you suppose he would have been asking about that...such a short time after you admitted that you were in love with him?" Fraser looked at him dumbly. "Oh for the love of God, man! I know that you are a better investigator than this. Use your head."

"But, Sir, Ray's not-"

"And neither are you, but you do-"

"I see. I think, Sir, if it is all right with you, I'd rather think with my heart this time. My head does not seem to be working very well as of late." Benton Fraser of the RCMP smiled a smile that knocked everyone (Francesca Vecchio included) practically of the room.

"Good. Not you, Kowalski, you stay right where you are. Everybody else...OUT." Lieutenant Walsh escorted everyone neatly from the Inspector's office, but left the door guarded by a stern looking Ma Vecchio.

"I'll be right outside if you need me, Benton."

"Thank you, Mother Vecchio. For everything."

"Just straighten this out...I mean...Oh, nuts, just work things out, okay?"

"Yes, Mama." By the time the door had closed, Ray Kowalski, no slouch in the detecting department, finally pieced together the truth from the events of the day and Fraser's slight obfuscations. Fraser found himself standing less than a foot away from a seriously jittery, smiling partner.

"So, uh, do you really..."

"Yes, Ray, I do. And you...?"

"Yep." He made the `p' pop, sounding like the cork from a bottle of champagne. "What now?"

"I think...this." Benton reached over to gently caress a stubbled cheek with the back of his hand.

"Oh. Okay. Well, then. Pitter-patter." Ray lunged, gorging himself on the generous mouth in front of him, running his hands up and down every scrap of Fraser that he could lay claim to.

Several breathless minutes later...

"So, since you're not- does that mean that you've never-?"

"No, Ray, never."

"Me neither." He dove back in and licked Fraser's neck suggestively. "You wanna?"

"Maybe we should do some research first. You know, `Proper preparation-"

"Ben, if you finish that sentence, I swear I'm gonna kick you in the head."

"Understood."

Mother Vecchio smiled and gave her entourage a `thumbs up'.

That's it. Thanks!