Work Text:
The Kibble Song
by Pirate Turner
Hot water poured down on Ace Ventura's body as he sang, belting out the words to a song he was making up at the top of his lungs. He was preparing for a party he really didn't want to go to but had to attend. His top suspect for the case he was currently working would be there, bringing who knew what for his dish, and Ace hoped he would let slip something that might lead him to the whereabouts of his ex-boyfriend's albino tiger.
"Make sure you bring plenty of kibble because you know it'll be far better than anything they have to offer!" he sang and then picked the chorus back up as he rinsed. "Oh the power of kibble! The might of kibble! Oh, how we love our kibble!"
He turned the water off, but it continued to drip slowly. He knew he should probably fix the broken faucet, but his animal friends loved licking the dripping water so much that he simply didn't have the heart to take it away from them. "Oh, the might of kibble!" he sang again, drawing the last word out a full minute as he tossed the shower curtain to the side.
His best friend, Spike, tossed him a dry towel, and Ace caught it deftly. He grinned down at the animals who were standing on their hind legs with their front paws resting on the tub. Each wore a very attentive face, and he continued his song as he stepped carefully out amongst their clustering numbers.
"Oh, no, don't forget the kibble! You must remember the kibble for it's your one chance of maybe -- just maybe, possibly -- getting satiated!" He glanced at the dog who was digging in the trashcan. "Whatever they bring isn't even enough to make the dog wag his tail . . . " The long-haired, spotted dog looked up at him with a grin that clearly said he didn't know what was happening but was glad to hear his species' name.
He wagged his tail as Ace turned his gaze to the young, white cat who wound in and out of his wet legs. " . . . let alone make the cat meow! Oh, don't forget the kibble! Don't forget the kibble or you'll starve!"
The sound of scampering feet made Ace look up just in time to see one of his penguin buddies waddling his way. He ducked to the side as the flightless bird jumped into the air, dove at the shower curtain, and then slid happily against the sleek wetness to the bottom of the tub.
"Humans don't know how to eat! They think that just because they've had it their whole lives, it's good, but we know better! Our taste buds are far superior! Give us the kibble! Give us the kibble! Give us the kibble!"
He was now almost fully dry. He gave his brown hair another patting down, then slung what few water droplets remained in his bangs out around the bathroom. Some animals skittered out of the way; others tried their best to catch the drops in their furry paws. Ace stepped out of the way again as a raccoon, cat, and another penguin headed for the tub.
Spike's chittering sent a few of the animals to working. Ace took his shirt from Spike and pulled it on followed by his striped pants that a goat wore over his horns. A second raccoon tossed him a sock. He slipped it on, then looked around for the other one only to find a garden snake slowly pushing it to him. As he had taken each of his articles from one of his friends, Ace had paused to pet them as thanks. He stroked the snake, telling him, "Thanks, buddy," then retrieved his other sock.
Ace padded to the sink and brushed his teeth, his toothpaste and brush being handed to him from the tails of opossums, while he waited for the delivery of his shoes. He hummed the chorus of his song again as he brushed and had no sooner finished gargling than two of his canine friends arrived in the doorway of the small bathroom. Ace handed his toothbrush and paste back to the opossums, who put them up, then turned to meet the dogs.
One dog was gigantic, the size of Marmaduke from the comics Ace always enjoyed reading with his morning kibble. The other was no bigger than a small chihuahua, was some sort of odd mix that Ace had yet to be able to deduce, and stood between his enormous bud's front paws. Ace took his shoes from their mouths and then yodeled out the last words of his song. "Never forget the mighty, mighty kibble!"
Animals ran to him from all over the house except for those in the bathroom. They scampered out as the others came to the door, each holding a handful of dry kibble pieces up to their human savior. Ace petted every head in turn and took only some of the offered kibble from each little paw, slipping it into his pockets. The animals who had shared the bathroom with him while he was getting ready to go out returned. Each one who had paws held a paw full of kibble, and Ace treated them the same as he had the others.
Then came the goat, the snakes, and a few others who had no paws. Some one -- Ace was sure it had to be Spike -- had hooked a small bag of kibble loosely around one of the goat's horns. The snake held three pieces of kibble on his tiny head. Each of the pawless animals had found a way to bring Ace some kibble, even if it was but only one piece. Ace thanked them all profusely, petting each in turn, until the line finally dissipated.
Spike came last, swinging on the door. His face fell when he saw that every pocket Ace had was stuffed to overflowing. Ace grinned at his friend and held his mouth open. Spike screeched his joy as he put his kibble in Ace's mouth. Ace rubbed his head against the monkey's and stroked his back. "Thank you," he said through the kibble. "Keep everybody safe."
He left smiling and was humming The Kibble Song again before he got into his car. He didn't know what the night would bring, but there was one thing Ace was certain of. There was no way he was going to starve tonight!
The End