Work Text:
So you wanted a PeaceKeeper for Christmas
by Laura Folden
You mailed your letter to Santa Claus, took extra special care to be extra good, and sat and waited. Would Santa get you your heart's desire? Would *you* be the lucky one on your block to get a Peacekeeper for Christmas?
Then at long last the Magical Day comes and you rush downstairs at dawn to open your presents. You go through all the packages, hoping that you will get a glimpse of that glistening gun, those platform boots, or that shiny leather outfit. Nothing. You start to pout...and there, in the back corner, you see him. Your very own Peacekeeper all wrapped up with a little red bow.
It's true! Santa does exist! You got your very own Peacekeeper for Christmas! You hop up and down for joy then dive toward those shiny leather boots. As you start to unwrap him a little piece of paper falls out. You pick it up, curious, and see...
"10 Easy Rules for Care and Feeding of Your PeaceKeeper"*
*Please note that these rule apply to male PeaceKeepers, but can easily be adapted for female PeaceKeepers.
Hmmm, you decide you'd better look at this. You want to keep your PeaceKeeper healthy and happy, don't you? You sit on the floor and start to read.
Warning: PeaceKeepers are *not* toys suitable for Children under 17.
Double Warning: If your PeaceKeeper ever says his name is "Durka" or "Crais" return him immediately for full refund. He has had one too many Happy Meals and is considered a defective product.
And now, on to the rules:
#1 Whenever possible, keep him unclothed except for his Calvin Kleins. He can't hide any weapons that way. Also, please be sure to have a large supply of Calvins on hand at all times--PK's are notorious underwear thieves.
#2: Don't store him in a sauna, unless the water's only lukewarm, you have some champagne and oops, you forgot your *own* bathing suit, never mind his.
#3: When possible, especially if living with Mom, keep your PK in the basement near the washing machine. It's nice and cool, has lots of privacy, and he can try to make a Marauder (tm) out of the washing machine if he gets bored.
#4: NO phone calls. Rescue attempts do *not* impress the neighbors (PK phone hooooome). The only exception is a phone call to you at work for some scheduled heavy breathing.
#5: Your PK should never, ever pick out clothes for you. Especially dresses in Australia. Flowers and chocolate are acceptable purchases though.
#6: Never ever kick your PK out of bed for eating crackers. And yes, we mean even the dry crumbly crackers.
#6a: However, if he's gone out and scared the neighbors again with your new "Marauder class" (tm) washing machine, don't let him in the bed in the first place.
#6b: Unless he apologizes first OR makes puppy-dog eyes. Then, honey, he can do whatever he wants.
#7: Manners should be taught right away, starting with apologies and "What else can I get for you, dear?"; working right on up to sheer flattery. ("No, my darling love," says your PK, "you do *not* look fat in that dress. How could you *ever* look fat, sugarlump?")
#8: Backrubs are essential. Your back--his back--what*ever*, just start rubbing.
#9: TV watching should be done only with extreme caution and supervision. For example, during Superman be sure to take your PK aside and explain firmly that the yellow sun does *not* give him special powers, and he *can't* fly, even with a silly cape on.
#9a: No home shopping network, no WWF. Especially the last one. Lots of romance classics and AMC, but go easy on Lifetime less you want to find your PK on the couch with a spatula in one hand, an apron in the other and tears in both eyes.
#9b: The Food Network is also a good channel. Just be sure to supervise the ingredients he puts in his spinach quiche--the goal of cooking is definitely *not* to create new and better incendiary devices. Above all, no tannot root goes in anything. Ever.
#10: Never ever ever ever let your Peacekeeper drive a car. Repeat never. Even after puppy-dog eyes.
#10a: If he's just watched "Back to the Future", don't "Just Say No" to driving the car. Hide the keys. Hide them well.
Now, enjoy your PeaceKeeper.
**Manufacturer's Note: Manufacturer of PeaceKeeper brand toys does not assume *any* responsibility for damage caused by your PeaceKeeper or his Marauder brand (tm) washing machine. No matter how clean your clothes get.
end
Note: This was submitted some years back. I missed it first round through but thought you all might enjoy.