Work Text:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Couple's Counseling
By Jen lmr
Date: Feb 2001
Fandom: Battlestar Galactica
Rating: PG
Category: Slash
Pairing: Starbuck/Apollo
Feedback: jennylmr@yahoo.com
Summary: Adama orders the boys to undergo couple's counseling.
Author's Note: This is irredeemably silly. My apologies in advance.
From: Commander Adama
To: Cpt. Apollo and Lt. Starbuck
RE: Couple's Counseling
It has come to my attention that the two of you have engaged in multiple public spats and inappropriate activities in communal areas. This behavior is unacceptable and an embarrassment both to yourselves and to the entire fleet.
I am hereby ordering you both to undergo couple's counseling. Effective today. I trust that the two of you will be able to work out your differences without further intervention on the part of the command staff.
"Apollo! I don't believe this! He can't be serious!" Starbuck stormed indignantly.
"I'm afraid he is."
"This is all your fault you know."
"My fault?! It's your fault! You're the reason he's making us do this!"
"Me? Don't be ridiculous. He's making us do this because you keep being an unreasonable pain in the astrum."
"Ha! What a hoot! You're the one who tried to explain away your tawdry little affairs by saying 'writers made me do it'. Its a wonder he didn't decide to have you committed."
"They did make me do it! You never believe me!"
"Oh, please! Don't give me that! You're just upset that you got caught, you slut!"
"Slut! How dare you! I have never been so insulted in my entire life!"
"Sure you have. Lots."
"I can't believe I've wasted the best years of my life with you!"
"Ha! If those were your best years, I shudder to think what the worst years will be like!"
"Oh, yeah ... well ... shut up!"
"Good comeback. Glad to see all those years of education at the academy weren't wasted on you." Apollo sneered as he walked out the door.
*****
Betina sat in her office finishing up her notes from the session she had just finished. She was startled from her thoughts by a loud commotion coming from the outer office. Getting up from her seat she strode to the door, opened it, and groaned.
Commander Adama had warned her that these two would be showing up.
"Gentlemen," she said loudly. "If you will please step into my office."
The two warriors angrily entered and plopped into the chairs in front of her desk, both adopting a mulish posture.
"Now I understand that the two of you have been having some problems," Betina looked at both of them intently.
"*I* don't have a problem. He's the problem," Apollo said tersely.
"Oh, really. Look who's talking. I know better than anybody else how less than wonderful *you* are."
"Gentlemen. We're here to calmly discuss and hopefully work out your differences," the counselor admonished.
"Okay," Apollo agreed. "How about we start by going over the last fifteen yahrens *broken promise by broken promise*." He glared at his lover.
"My God. Could you possibly beat that subject to death a little more? So I've made a few mistakes. Get over it."
"A *few* mistakes?" the Captain gaped at his Lieutenant incredulously.
"You've made your fair share too!" Starbuck snapped angrily. "Don't even make me start naming them. We'd be here for sectons."
"Unlike you. If I started naming yours we'd be here for yahrens."
"Oh, you're so competitive. You always have to one up me."
"Gentlemen! Please!" The counselor interjected. "This is getting us nowhere. You need to get past these recriminations."
"I'll tell you what's getting me nowhere, him!" Apollo growled.
"Boray," Starbuck snapped in response.
"Tramp!"
"Prude!"
"Degenerate!"
"Daddy's boy!"
"Gentlemen!" The counselor took a deep breath. "Perhaps ... perhaps the two of you should consider a parting of the ways."
"What?" They both gaped at her in unison.
"What I'm saying is that some differences are too great to be able to work out. Perhaps you shouldn't be together," the counselor explained.
"Not be together?" Starbuck gasped. "But I love him!"
"I love you, too!" Apollo took him in his arms for a breathless kiss that went on and on and on.
"Gentlemen!" The counselor tried to interrupt without success. "Gentlemen! Please!"
The two warriors were too wrapped up in each other to pay her any mind. Tugging at clothing, clutching at each other.
"You'd never leave me, would you?" Apollo gasped between kisses.
"Never!" Starbuck vowed as they tumbled to the floor.
Betina rolled her eyes and left the office. Days like this were enough to make her consider another line of work.
The End