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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-05
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2,072
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1/1
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12
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1,276

Insanity Clause

Summary:

A silly Christmas story for Betty.

Work Text:

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author.  The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.  No copyright infringement is intended.

Insanity Claus
by (Oh, come on! I'm still not crazy enough to own up to this one.) 

Disclaimer: Didn't you read the above comment?
Category: Insane, Silly, Stupid...
Rating: What part of insanity didn't you understand? Lets go with 'maybe there's smut and maybe there isn't', shall we?
Pairing: Starbuck/Sheba/Cain ... LOL! Just kidding! ... Starbuck/Apollo
Feedback: For the love of God! Please don't! Haven't I suffered enough?!

Summary: Geez, either read the story or don't. Next you'll be asking me to wipe your nose for you.

Okay, its an emergency snippet for Betty. Betty, I'm pretty sure after you read this you'll be insane again. If you're not, then maybe you were never sane in the first place.


er.br@sympatico.ca wrote:

Something awful has happened. I can`t write slash, I can`t comment on
slash, I can`t even think slash.............Christmas has driven
me,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,SANE!!!!!!!!!!

*****FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP ME PLEASE*****

Betty

*****

Hold on, Betty! Hold on! Insanity Claus is on the way! I have an idea that is so stupid it couldn't be described as anything but utter lunacy. You'll be insane again before you know it! Well, you won't know it because you'll be insane again... why am I bothering to explain this to a looney?

Sincerely Nuts,
Insanity Claus' Little Helper

*****


Apollo walked into the duty office and was surprised to find his friend and wingmate sitting quietly at the desk filling out a report. He was further puzzled when he realized that Starbuck wasn't due to start his duty shift for another fifteen centons.

"Starbuck? What are you doing here so early?"

The blond stood up, saluted smartly, and replied crisply, "Just finishing up the last of my overdue reports, Sir."

Apollo's eyebrows shot up so far that they almost reached his hairline. "Uhh..."

"Permission to return to my duty, Sir," Starbuck requested.

"Uhhh..." Apollo shook his head as if to clear it. "Sure... umm... okay. Go ahead." He looked at the thing that looked almost exactly like his long time friend, except something was different. Something that he couldn't quite put his finger on. The alien being that was inhabiting his friend's body remained standing and was looking at him as if he was waiting for him to say something else. He searched his mind for what that could possibly be and then tentatively said, "Permission granted... er... at ease, Lieutenant."

The Starbuck-like creature saluted, sat down and began diligently working on the report again. Apollo narrowed his eyes suspiciously and went over to the desk to get a look at this so-called report. Clearly it had to be something other than a report he was working on. He just knew it *had* to be. The alternative was too unspeakably horrible to contemplate. Obviously this was an extremely vivid nightmare or the ship and its fleet had passed through some space anomoly without his knowledge or... Nah! It couldn't be! He forced himself to look at the alleged report and...

"Ahhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhh!" He stumbled away from the desk in horror! The thing that Starbuck was working on was a... a... a... report! Not just a report but a clear and precisely written one at that by the looks of it. Dropping his head into his hands and sobbing, he cried, "Why God? Why?!"

The Starbuck-thing looked up and calmly replied, "Are you alright, Captain?"

"Nooooo! Please God, take me instead!" Apollo wailed to the heavens. Then an idea slowly formed in his mind. He took a calming breath, walked over to the desk, gripped the object of his forbidden fantasies by the shoulders and said as calmly as he could, "Starbuck, you've gone sane."

"What?!"

"I know! I know! It's horrible!" The Captain took another deep calming breath before continuing. "I have a plan. Not only do I have a plan but I have a family and it is the holiday season. You wait right here... and for the love of God, try to smoke a fumerello, or drink on duty, or gamble or something! I can't stand seeing you like this. I'll be back as soon as I can!" Beautiful green eyes filled with tears and he turned and left the office hurriedly before the moisture began to run down his face. This was no time for tears. He was a man on a mission!

He returned several centars later with an idiotic grin on his face and an insane look in his eyes. The Lieutant, who was still sitting at the desk diligently filling out reports, stood up and saluted smartly again, only this time there was a desperate, yet hopeful look in his eyes.

Apollo ran over to the waking wet dream that was his best friend, looked into those trusting, and yet horribly sane blue eyes, hugged him and said, "Everythings going to be okay."

The Lieutenant let out a sigh of relief and asked, "What did you do?"

"I spent time with my dad and my sister, went holiday shopping, and then I spent time with my son and was patient with him. Not only that, I sent holiday messages to all the squadron members and the council of twelve, then I was *nice* to Sheba. Everything is gonna be okay now baby. I'm completely insane now and after today I can safely say that going sane will never be a problem for either of us again."

"But... but... how...? What? How? Huh? I don't understand..." 

Apollo smiled, then realized he hadn't heard a word the golden-haired vision of lovliness standing before him had said because he had simply been staring at his mouth... watching the way his lips moved. The tongue snaking out to lick them. The delicious way those lips quivered under the gentle caress of that tongue. How he wished he were those lips... Ooh! How he wished he was that tongue! His smile grew even wider.

Things were definately going according to his plan.

He shook himself. He *had* to focus. There was a purpose to his being here. He knew there was something he was supposed to do. 'Curses! I knew there had to be a drawback to being insane! Obviously, you keep forgetting... uh...'

His eyes wandered down the muscular chest and came to rest directly on the groin of, 'Um, the really hot guy standing in front of me. Yeah, that's it. His name is 'that really hot, oh my, oh my, oh my'.

Apollo shook himself again. Not to clear his head but just because it felt really good, especially when his achingly hard cock jiggled against the fabric of his... those things you wear to cover the bottom half of your body or something like that... 'Who cares?' he thought to himself as he continued to drink in the sight before him.

His musings were interrupted by a voice.

"Apollo? Are you okay? You've been standing there staring at me for at least fifteen centons with a really weird look on your face."

"Take off your clothes."

"Are you crazy?"

"Yep, and your coming with me. Its a very simple plan you see. You get naked. I get naked. We have the type of sex that most people would be arrested for, etc. You get it?"

Apollo got lost again somewhere and somehow in the play of expressions that crossed his... 'the hot guy in the room with him's' face for... Ah! Who knows? Who cares how long? He lost the  ability to think completely when suddenly his eyes were graced with the sight of such a wonderfully sculpted body that the gods themselves would surely turn green with envy... such a... 'Damn! I where did my mind go again! Hmmm... something about holidays, family, shopping and losing it somewhere... ah, well, couldn't have been that important.' He would have thought to himself if he still had a mind to think it.

The Starbuck-ish being stood staring mindlessly at his... well, he was pretty sure it was some sort of military guy and it might begin with a C or maybe not... Who cares? He just couldn't stop staring at those enchanting green eyes... that lusterous hair... the beads of sweat that were just, but not quite, about to travel down across...

Then, with an almost audible 'pop' sound, everything went dark for a moment and the 'true'  Starbuck found himself standing naked in the duty office with a very naked and aroused Apollo. He looked, then looked some more, then some more. He forgot what he was thinking so he decided he'd look at a very delicious naked Apollo. After that he figured he may as well look some more.

"Oh my Lords! Apollo is standing naked in front of me and I'm just standing here *looking*! Great Sagan! I must be insane! Did I just say that outloud?!"

Apollo's face lit up with a huge, relieved smile. He laughed the way only the truly insane can and said, "Oh yeah! And I plan to make sure you never go sane again!"

Six centars and a damaged-beyond-repair doorlock later, a full complement of security officers were finally able to storm into the duty office.

Starbuck and Apollo didn't even notice them. They were lost in their perfect little world on their own special planet called 'Insanity'.

*****

If you're still sane after reading this story, then I just can't help you. Maybe a cattle prod...?

*****

Note from Jen:

I didn't do anything! This was *so* not my fault!

Here's what happened... I was sitting on my sofa with my feet propped up watching a scrumptiously sweaty and naked Starbuck. Well, he was almost naked, he was wearing this pair of ruby red boots that he currently had resting on Apollo's shoulders. Just as he clicked his heels together three times and said, 'Bring it home! Bring it home! Bring it home!' I was rudely interuppted by a loud clatter.

Not curious, I stayed right there and kept watching. Well, wouldn't you?

Then the elf from hell poked his head out of my bathroom and started bitching until I finally went in to shut him up. The sight that greeted my eyes was so *not* Santa. Not that I could have cared anyway. Appy and SB having sex in my livingroom... or a hairy fat man in a red suit... how could I ever choose? As if!

Then this creepy skinny little elf-guy, who just won't shut up starts moaning and complaining about how the fat guy in the red suit gets all the glory, blah, blah, blah...What-ever! He wouldn't even take the quarter I offered him to call someone who cares.

Appy and SB are doing the wild thing in my livingroom and I'm really, *really*  focussed on them right now but I wanna make sure the creepy elf-guy doesn't trash my bathroom or anything and I've still got a great view of the boys from where I'm standing in the bathroom doorway.

The elf-guy just keeps going on and on like the Energizer bunny. 'Just because I land in the sewer and slither up your plumbing then pop out of a toilet instead of landing on your rooftop and sliding down your chimney doesn't mean I don't deserve the same amount of respect as Fatboy!' Blah, blah, blah...

Can't the little creep see that I'm busy?

'No one ever thanks *me* for the presents I leave for them beneath the toilet.' Whine, whine, whine...

Did I mention I was preoccupied with something else? The whining was getting on my nerves so I finally snapped. I grabbed the plunger and threatened him with serious bodily harm.

The little creep may have been crazy but apparently he wasn't as stupid as he looked. He shut up and left. At least I'd thought he'd left, that was until I found out he'd been amusing himself on my computer. He is in *sooo* much trouble when I get my hands on him!