SquidgeWorld Archive

The Candle Service
A Lion and the Lamb story
which follows  "A Lesson in the Art of Love".
by Alexis Rogers
3 March 1988

Lee glanced at Harry's sleeping form as he opened the door to Lloyd's soft knock.  

"I thought you'd like something to eat," Lloyd said, balancing a tray.

"We're not having dinner with you?"

"I need to see if I can get Charlie to eat and I thought Harry would feel more comfortable not having to face anyone until the candle service.  Please understand that Harry is more fragile than you have ever seen him."

"What's the candle service?"

"A ceremony Charlie has been thinking about for some time.  When Harry mentioned lighting candles for Bradley, Charlie decided this would work for tonight.  Do you understand the purpose?"

Lee shook his head as he helped Lloyd set the tray on the table.

"Not being Catholic, I'll explain the best way I can.  It's believed that a living person can help one who has died by lighting a candle.  In reality, it's a way for the living to release grief and express their love for a person who has died.  Or one who has left and is lost in the world.  I think it's an emotional release based on old pagan rites that dealt with psychic energy."

"Now I'm really confused."

"We want Harry to find emotional release by telling us about his young lover while lighting the candles.  We'll do this again after you finish your research and your papers in the hope that Harry can release his guilt."

"Is he guilty of driving that boy to kill himself?"

"You know Harry better than anyone, what do you think?"

"It would take a great deal of evidence to convince me, but after all these years, it's going to be difficult to find the truth."  Lee watched Harry, his chest gently rising and falling.

"You're not going to find the truth, you're going to wade through mounds of unpleasant events and hopefully draw the correct conclusion that sometimes people choose to end their lives.  Over the years we've had several boys die here.  Charlie assumes the guilt the same way Harry does.  Maybe he'll include that tonight."

"What should I do?"

"Dress comfortably and be prepared to sit for a while."  Lloyd kissed Lee, then left.

Lee sat on the bed and watched Harry for a few minutes before touching his shoulder.  "Harry?"

"Hmmmm?  What?" Harry mumbled.

"Wake up.  Lloyd brought dinner."  Lee kissed Harry's cheek.

"I told Kenneth I didn't want to sleep," Harry moaned.

"I don't think it was the medication.  I think it was the emotional trauma, the hot water, the massage, and the long, slow loving."

Harry chuckled.  "You could be right, I'm so relaxed I don't think I can stand."

"Then I'll feed you in bed.  Think you can sit up?" Lee went to the table for the plates.

Harry pushed himself into a sitting position.  "So what did Lloyd serve tonight?"

"Fresh fruits and vegetables with cheese and bread."

"Interesting choice.  Does it mean anything?"

"I don't know.  Lloyd said he was setting up for a candle service.  Have you done that before?"  Lee selected a strawberry and fed it to Harry.

"No," Harry managed through bites, "but I don't think it can hurt any worse than this afternoon."

"We'll do it together, with all the love and support this group can give, and we both know how much that can be.  I love you, and so does everyone else here.  Besides dealing with our problems, we've celebrated our wedding here, and a joyous Christmas, and many other happy times.  I always try to remember that when Charlie makes me do something that's difficult."

"You're right."

"Of course, I'm right.  I've had good teachers."
     
* * * * *
     
In the living room, the furniture had been rearranged, leaving a large open area in the middle of the room.  A table, covered in a white cloth, held candles of various sizes, shapes, and colors.  Another small table held a bottle of sherry and small crystal glasses.

Kenneth stepped close to Harry.  "I'd like a moment with you, doctor to patient."

"I'm fine," Harry replied.

"I'll be the judge of that.  Quite frankly, when it comes to behavior, I don't know who's worse, you or Charlie.  I'm thinking of adding a disciplinary routine to my bedside manner for dealing with stubborn patients like you."

Lee laughed.  "Harry, you better do as Kenneth says or Lloyd'll get out the paddle and Charlie will have us writing more reports."

"Let's go downstairs to the playroom.  It'll only take a minute."  Kenneth held Harry's arm and guided him out of the room.

"Problems?" Cary asked Lee.

"No.  I like to watch other people fuss over Harry."

"You haven't always felt that way."  Cary kissed Lee.

"No, but I'm learning."  Lee smiled and stroked Cary's face.  "How's school?"

"Rough.  And I get no sympathy from Kenneth.  He's a harder task master than Lloyd, if that's possible.  He drills me all the time, in the car, in the clinic, even in bed.  One night,
after he had me screaming for him, he wanted me to explain the biological response that produced the pleasure."

"What did you do?"

"I sucked his cock down my throat."

Lee chuckled.  "Did he ask any more foolish questions?"

"Not that night."  Cary touched Lee's face.  "Lloyd's upstairs with Charlie and Kenneth's downstairs with Harry, so I guess we better play host.  Lloyd has refreshments on the table: punch and nibbles."

Danny came in the front door, exchanged kisses, scanned the room, then asked, "How's Harry?"

"Downstairs with Kenneth and I'm not sure how he's going to be when the evening's over."  

"Where's Thom?" Lee asked.

"He had other things to do tonight."

"Is there something you're not telling me?" Lee asked.

"Not now, please."

Cary touched his lips to Danny's.  "You'd tell me if there was something wrong."

Danny nodded, then looked at Lee.

Lee took a moment, then changed the subject.  "Can you tell me what's going to happen, so I can be prepared?"

"Charlie wants Harry to release his guilt about the student.  We're going to use a candle service that we'll describe when everyone gets here," Danny explained.  "Ever since you and Harry were married, Charlie's been examining some of the things he believes.  This service could be as much of a challenge to Charlie as to Harry."

"Is there anything we can do to help?" Lee asked.

"You mean as in the student becomes the teacher?"

"I guess.  Charlie's so strong and sure of what he's doing all the time, it's hard for me to think of him with internal conflicts."

"He's a human being and he needs our love and support like we need his," Cary added.

"Lloyd needs us, too, because Charlie's sick," Danny said.  "Cary, is Charlie going to be all right?"

"Kenneth said that if Charlie stays in bed and takes his medication, he should be fine.  If he doesn't, he could develop pneumonia and end up in the hospital."

"Lloyd may have to tie him to the bed," Danny said with a smile.  "I've made arrangements to take Charlie's classes this week, but keeping him in bed could be a problem."

Michael and Jason joined the group.  Jason kissed Lee, then asked, "How's Harry?"

Before Lee could answer, Michael asked, "Where's Harry?"

"He's downstairs with Kenneth.  I want to thank you both for your support this afternoon, and for your understanding.  I think Harry may need you more than you needed us."

"Harry's very special.  Everyone here knows that, and now I know how special he can be."  Michael kissed Lee.  "Thank you for sharing him with me."

Jason took Lee's arm.  "Do you know Chris and Mark?  They both live here and go to school with Michael and me."

"They were both here for our wedding reception.  I remember dancing with each of them," Lee responded.

"Good evening, everyone," Mitchell said.  "It's good to see you again, Lee."

Lee touched his lips to Mitchell's, then embraced Scott and kissed him.  "It's good to see you both again.  Do you mind if I ask why you're here?"

"Lloyd called this afternoon and asked us to join the group," Mitchell explained.

"When I first met Mitchell," Scott told Lee, "I was dealing with my rape and Mitchell was seeing Charlie because his lover had committed suicide."

Lee embraced Mitchell.  "I'm sorry.  Did your work with Charlie help?"

"Yes, it did.  He made me do a lot of research and a paper."

"That sounds familiar," Lee smiled.

"Harry's assignment?" Mitchell asked.

"Actually, Charlie assigned us both to work on it."

"I can assure you it's very unpleasant work.  If I hadn't met Scott here, I might not have been able to handle all the ugly information about suicide.  I didn't really learn why my lover decided to kill himself, but I did learn that many people take their lives without any apparent reason and I've been working to understand that a person does have the right to end his own life.  But I would give a lot to know why Benjamin wanted to die."

Scott smiled at Mitchell.  "We were both basket cases and ended up leaning on each other as much as we leaned on Charlie and Lloyd."  Scott moved until he was touching his lover.

"Does everyone here have a connection to suicide?" Lee asked, taking a glass of punch from Mark.

"Let's see."  Cary looked around the room.  "Charlie and Lloyd do, of course.  Kenneth's a doctor, so he's seen a few.  Christopher and Mark lost a straight friend to suicide a few months ago.  David is a cop, so he deals with it in his work.  Michael and Jason are here because of their new bond with you and Harry."

"Cary," Kenneth called as he and Harry returned to the room.  "I'm going to check on Charlie and then we'll be down.  Lloyd wants you to light the candles around the room, but not the ones on the altar."

"Okay," Cary waved his hand.

Michael ran over to Harry and embraced him, then kissed him.

"You don't mind?" Cary asked Lee.

"I've matured a little.  I know Harry loves me, being married has helped with that, and I've matured as a result of the time we've spent here.  I don't regret any of our time together and I don't worry about Harry while he's here.  Well, I don't worry too much."

"I better get Kenneth to look at you," Cary laughed, "you're obviously not feeling well."

Lee smiled as he watched Harry and Michael.  "I've learned to love all the aspects of Harry, and now I must explore his attraction to the young men here, and their obvious attraction to him.  And how he separates his love for me from his sexual attraction to boys like Michael and Jason, who seem to love each other."  Lee helped Cary light the candles.

"It may be the same thing that attracted me to Charlie and Lloyd.  And I can't begin to explain that."  Cary watched as Kenneth and Lloyd helped Charlie down the stairs.

"Charlie looks terrible," Lee whispered.  "We better make sure he's up to this."

When Charlie was seated in a large chair, Kenneth sat on one side and Lloyd on the other.  "Gentlemen, would you please take a seat on the floor?  Danny, can you turn out the lights please?"

"Charlie," Kenneth warned, "before you begin, I want the men here to understand that you're ill and if I feel you're doing too much, I'll take you upstairs and Danny will continue in your place."

"Yes, Kenneth, I understand.  Danny and I have made arrangements, if necessary, but I need to do this, so please be patient with me."  Charlie took Lloyd's hand.  "Harry, I want you to sit close to Kenneth, facing Lee.  Michael has asked to hold you while we do this.  Lee, is that okay with you?"

"Yes, Michael, you may hold my lover.  I think your young strength may help him more than anything I can do."  Lee squeezed Michael's hand.

"Danny," Charlie said, "Please tell the group what we're going to do and why."  He leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes.

"This is a group session with a different atmosphere.  We're trying a new approach in that we want to use some of the rituals from the Church as a focus for the problem we want to address."

"Church rituals, Charlie?" Harry asked, holding Lee's hands.

Without opening his eyes, Charlie explained, "Lloyd tells you over and over what a disruptive force you've been in *his* life and *our* life.  What he hasn't said, because I haven't told him, is what a disruption you've been in *my* life."

"Charlie?" Lloyd patted Charlie's hand.

"It's all right, Tiger.  I've been working through it with Danny."  Turning his attention to Harry, Charlie continued, "Ever since you and Lee got married, I've been re-examining my views of the church and the role it plays in our lives, and what I've discovered is that I threw out the good with the bad.  Some people need the structure and rituals of religion and my own biases have stopped those of you who needed it from seeking it.  Danny's helping me to examine all the aspects to determine what will work.  And for those of you keeping score, Danny works me as hard as I work any of you."

"I only use what my teacher taught me works the best," Danny replied with a warm smile for Charlie.

"So you plan to use my disruptive force against me?" Harry aimed at Charlie.

"Sometimes, I need rougher methods for someone as difficult as you, my friend."  Charlie coughed until he was gasping for air.

"If you pass out, Charlie, you'll wake up in the hospital," Kenneth warned.

Charlie nodded, then drank water.

Danny watched Charlie until he quieted and leaned back in his chair.  "We've done some research about religions that use rituals, like the Catholics, and those that don't, like the Southern Baptists.  We've included Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, some of the ancient pagan religions, and modern metaphysics.  We found the use of candles, incense, and music to be almost universal, so we're going to try a combination of rituals tonight."

Danny turned on a record player, filling the room with the soft tinkling of bells, then lit several sticks of incense.  Taking a thin white candle from the table, Danny lit it, then used it  to light a large white candle in the center of the table serving as an altar.  "This candle, blessed by a local priest, represents, in the Catholic Church, the presence of God.  We have chosen to use the burning candle to represent the presence of a superior being.  Oddly enough, Charlie and I are most comfortable with the candle representing Mother Nature or Mother Earth, but definitely a female figure.  However, we ask each of you to search inside yourself and find a presence that provides you with guidance and support.

"The candle represents all four of the natural elements: Earth, air, water and fire.  Unlit, it represents the Earth.  When touched by fire, the candle melts, producing liquid wax, the element of water, and smoke, the element of air.  The white candle is for protection, purification and strength.  It is linked with the moon and its energies."

The men in the room were silent.  Lee stroked Harry's hands and wondered what thoughts raced behind his blue eyes.

Danny returned his attention to the group.  "The focus of tonight's session is Harry, so I want him to start this by lighting a candle for Bradley.  Then I want each of you to light a candle, of whatever color suits you, for someone you want to think about tonight.  In some traditions, it's believed that while the candle burns, the spirit of the person is present.  That's what we want tonight."  Danny offered the burning candle to Harry.

Harry kissed Lee, then climbed to his feet.  He looked at Charlie for long minutes before he took the white tapir and lit a light blue candle.  "This is for Bradley Covington, a life lost much too young."  After replacing the tapir in it's holder, Harry knelt and crossed himself.

Lee selected a pink candle.  "This is for my mother who died saving my life."

Cary took the candle from Lee, who moved to stand next to Harry.  Cary lit a red candle.  "This is for Rod, who will always have a place in our home and our hearts."  He smiled at Kenneth.

"Cary," Charlie said, "before you pass the flame, will you choose a white candle and light it for me?  I would like this flame to represent Chip Morton's brother, Robert.  Perhaps he'll lead us down a path that will show us how to help some men before it's too late."

Scott took the white taper next and chose a purple candle.  "I light this candle for  Benjamin, Mitchell's lover.  May his spirit be strong enough to help us comfort Harry."

Michael and Jason rose together and took the taper.  Michael explained.  "We've had a special experience with Lee and Harry and we want to do what we can to support them both, but tonight especially Harry."  Together, they lit a green candle.  "We want this to represent John Kennedy.  He was our President, he was a friend of Harry's, and he was Catholic.  We need his leadership, his love of life, and his special charisma."

After looking at Harry, Michael offered his hand to Christopher.  "Will you and Mark join us?  Together we'll light the candle for Shawn, in the hopes that we can understand his pain and guide others into less painful paths."  The yellow candle burned brightly as the four boys held hands in silence.

Lloyd took the flame and stared at it for a moment, then selected a blue candle.  "When Charlie and I first started here, we lacked experience and understanding.  We didn't see the signs of suicide in a few of our first house guests.  One in particular, Marshall, gave us no indication that his pain was strong enough to drive him to take his own life.  I hope he has forgiven us for our mistakes."

Kenneth took the flame from Lloyd.  "Working in the ER, I saw too many young people who had taken their own lives.  I've steered as many troubled boys as possible to Charlie and Lloyd, but sometimes it was too late.  More times than I care to count, the dead or dying boy was labeled *John Doe*.  I would lose them without ever learning their names, but I'll never forget even one of them and I light this green candle for all the *Joe Doe*s.  Our Heavenly Father knows who they are."  Kenneth held out his hand to Cary and together they knelt in silence.

Mitchell accepted the tapir.  "Scott, I love you.  I have no words for the way I felt when you lit the candle for Benny.  It makes me so proud that you can care about that part of my life.  In his short life,  Benny's grandmother was the only one of his family to support our love for each other.  I light this candle for her in the hopes that her unbiased love can be a reality in this world."  Mitchell waited for Scott, then they knelt before the altar.

David took the flame.  "As a police officer, I see the same kind of death and destruction that Kenneth has seen.  When I was a rookie, I was partnered with an older man who was a bigot and had no tolerance for homosexuality.  Fag bashing was one of his favorite sport.  One night, on patrol, we stopped a fight where a gang of thugs was beating a defenseless man.  When my partner jumped in the middle of the fight, he would have been killed except that the man being beaten threw his body in such a way that he caught the bullet aimed at my partner.  At the sound of the shot, the thugs ran.  The injured man was dying in my partner's arms, but before he took his last breath, he told my partner that the person who saves anther's life is responsible for that life, but since he was dying, the man said all I can do is give you some advice.  He said: 'There is something terribly  wrong in your life.  Fix it before it destroys your young partner.'  I light this candle for that man who had foresight and wisdom."

He handed the light to Stephen.  "My homelife was ugly.  My mother was an alcoholic drug user who brought a different man home every night.  I hated her and I loved her, as only a son can love his mother.  I have no idea who my father was and I've never cared.  Charlie and Lloyd and the people in this house are my family.  Lee and Cary are my brothers, our bond formed that morning I woke up here.  Over the years I've learned that my mother was driven by demons I had no way of understanding.  She died from an overdose.  I don't know if it was an accident or suicide.  Tonight I light this candle for her in the hope that she has gained wisdom and peace in death that she never had in life."

Charlie held his hands out to Kenneth on one side and Lloyd on the other.  "Please join hands in a circle."  When the circle was formed, Charlie drew a deep breath.  "We are a family, bonded by pain and love.  It's my hope that tonight we can replace pain with love and make tomorrow a little easier.  Lloyd and I love each of you and our lives are richer for your being here.  I'd like you to hug each other, then return to your places on the floor."

When everyone was seated, Harry, inside the circle of Michael's arms, faced Lee, Charlie looked at Harry.  "I know how painful this is for you but I have surrounded you with as much love and support as I can.  We've been friends for a long time and I know many of the facets of your mind and heart, probably because we are so much alike.  Tonight, you must pull the memories of your relationship with Bradley from the recesses of your mind and examine them."  He paused and took a long drink of water.

"Suicide is a terrible thing, and that's based on more than the teachings of the church.  Lloyd and I have lost several boys over the years but none of them were our sexual partners.  You loved Bradley and that makes the pain of his death much stronger.  You buried your pain with layers of guilt and we have to peal those layers away."

"Charlie, I don't think I can do this."

"Do you love Lee?" Charlie asked.

"You know I do."

"Then draw on the strength of that love, the way Lee does, to be able to do what needs to be done."

"I don't understand."  Harry looked at Lee.

"Explain it to him," Charlie ordered Lee, then leaned back and closed his eyes.

Lee leaned forward, touching his lips to Harry's, then pushed his tongue gently into Harry's mouth.  He maintained the gentle contact until he needed oxygen.  Looking into Harry's bright blue eyes, Lee said, "Every time I have to face a difficult session, Charlie promises me that solving the problem will free me to love you more."

"Does it work?"

Squeezing Harry's hands, Lee stared into Harry's eyes.  "Yes, old man, it works.  As crazy as it sounds, working through my problems has allowed me to love you to a level I didn't know was possible and allowed me to love you enough to explore all the aspects of your sexual needs."

"You've grown and matured since we've been coming here," Harry smiled at Lee.

"I'd take your pain if I could."

"I know, laddie,"  Harry stroked Lee's face, then took his hands.  "I love you."

"I love you, too."  Lee looked at Charlie.  "Now what?"

"Harry, I want you to tell us about the first time you knew you had strong feelings for Brad."

"I taught him chemistry and marine biology.  I think he was a junior when you were a freshman."

"How old was he?" Lee asked quietly.

"He turned twenty one after we became lovers.  I took him to several bars that night as part of our celebration."

"So Bradley was not a child in any sense of the word when you were sexually involved?" Charlie asked.

"He was my student, regardless of age.  It's wrong to be sexually involved with a student," Harry retorted.

"He was an adult, Harry, by all the laws of the land," Charlie pointed out.  "And you had been trained in a loving relationship that it was all right for a student to be involved with a teacher.  I think you were looking for the same kind of relationship you had with Carl.  But we'll argue that point later.  Tell me how you approached Bradley."

"I tried the same approach on Bradley that Carl had used on me."

"You were much younger than Brad, even though you were also a college junior," Charlie commented.  "And you were a virgin.  Was Brad?"

"No."  Harry took a deep breath.  "He'd been involved with both men and women, but no emotional involvement.  Looking back, he may not have been in love with me either.  I just wanted him to be."

"What first attracted you to him?" Charlie asked.

"The same thing that always attracts me: beautiful, young, hard bodies."

"Are you sure, Harry?  Was that all that attracted you to me?"  Lee asked.

"What?"  Harry looked startled.

"You were prepared to give up your career for just one night with me.  I don't think lust is that strong.  If a hard young body was all you wanted, why didn't you just pick up a guy in the bar?"

"You were special."

"How?"

"You were, and are, beautiful and brilliant and showed great promise."

"Oh, I see." Lee said.

"What, Lee?" Charlie asked.  "What do you see?"

"What a teacher prizes most: the perfect student.  One who has beauty and charm and brains and can't get enough knowledge."

"Do you think there's something to that?" Charlie asked Harry.

"Bradley was all of those things.  He had that insatiable curiosity that keeps a teacher on his toes.  It was a game we played even before we became lovers.  He would ask really tough questions just to see if I could answer them."

"I do remember him," Lee said, "and I remember how your face would light up during those discussions.  It didn't seem important to me then, but looking back I understand your display of feelings.  I wish you had looked at me then the way you looked at Brad."

"You weren't ready and if I'd pushed you, you might be dead in his place," Harry sighed.

"I don't think so," Charlie said, "but you'll have to learn that from your research."

"Harry," Lee looked into troubled blue eyes, "tell me about the first time you made love to Brad.  Was he an anal virgin?"

Harry smiled weakly and nodded.  "Do you have a point?"

"I'm not sure.  Tell me the story."

"It was Brad's twenty first birthday and he was really excited.  I wanted to show him the time of his life because he was so special.  I took him to dinner at a very discreet restaurant where we could flirt and hold hands.  Then we went to several bars, so I could
show him the different types of environments."  Harry paused.  "I know you haunted the bars.  Why didn't we see each other?"

"It wasn't our time."  Lee kissed Harry's fingers.  "Go on."

"Bradley and I danced and teased each other.  All the men were watching him, but he was only watching me.  It was as if we were alone in the world.  I'd made reservations at a nice hotel.  I wanted our night to be perfect."

"And was it?" Lee asked.

"I think so.  He responded to my touches, to my caresses.  I sucked his beautiful cock until he filled my mouth and lay back sated.  His long legs were spread as I reached my fingers under his balls and teased the entrance to his body.  He tensed a little, but I told him what I wanted to do and how I'd do it."

"Did you use the same words on him that you use on me?"  Lee smiled into Harry's eyes.

"I guess.  How many different words are there?"

"You seem to know which ones drive me crazy.  If you did the same for Brad, he must have been begging you."

"He didn't fight me and he was so tight, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.  His body was incredible."  Harry kissed Lee gently.

"Did Brad's behavior change after that night?" Charlie asked.

"I don't think so.  I wasn't his keeper.  He didn't miss class, his grades remained good, and until the night he died, he never missed a date with me, but I didn't see him every day, so I don't know if he started cruising the bars.  His sexual appetite was strong and he may have needed more than I could give."

"That doesn't seem possible, old man."  Lee grinned.

"What I was doing with Bradley was wrong and I think my guilt may have clouded my judgment."

"I would like for you to examine your guilt," Charlie ordered quietly.  "Think about your relationship with Professor Jenkins and the rules that make you believe that teachers should not be involved with students, even when those students are adults."

"I never considered my relationship with Carl to be wrong in any way.  He never forced me or manipulated me or anything.  If I had said stop to him at any time, he would have."

"Do you know if your professor had other student lovers?"

Harry shook his head.  "He always made me feel like I was the center of his universe."

"What happened to him?" Lee asked.

"He died from a heart attack while I was at sea."

Charlie nodded to Harry.  "I think you should light a candle for the Professor, then sit back down with Michael."

When Harry was seated again, Charlie asked, "Were you secure in your relationship with Carl?"

"I was young and impressionable.  Did I love him?  Probably, but I don't think I understood that at the time.  He never pushed me to make a commitment of any kind."

"Did he ever tell you it was wrong for the two of you to be together?" Charlie asked.

Harry shook his head.

"When did you decide it was wrong to be involved with a student?  Who made the rule?" Charlie asked sternly, clearly pushing Harry.

"We both know it's a rule and a correct one," Harry shot back.

"Harry?" Michael kissed Harry's neck.

"Yes, Michael?"

"I think I'm confused.  You're saying that when you were a student and your lover was your teacher, it was okay, but when you became a teacher and your lover was your student, that was wrong.  When did it become wrong?"

Charlie grinned.  "Out of the mouths of babes..."

"But there is a rule," Harry insisted.

"Yes, there is.  In some schools it is clearly explained, usually aimed at male teachers and female students, but that's not the point here.  Do you understand that when you were Michael's age, a professor you trusted taught you it was okay for the two of you to be lovers?  He never violated your trust, never abused you in any fashion, he simply loved you.  Then, as you grew older, you accepted certain rules of society as carved in stone.  One of those rules concerned student/teacher relationships.  For some reason, maybe your military training, you accepted that rule without question.  Can you tell me why?"

"Do you think it's wrong for us to be lovers," Michael asked, "because I'm a student?"

"Yes and no."  Harry looked into Lee's eyes.  "But Lee has a lot of problems."

Jason grabbed Lee.  "What problems?"

"Easy, Jason," Harry said.  "You need to understand that Lee is not a rule breaker.  He made a decision, when he was about your age, to hide his sexual needs in order to have the career he wanted.  He decided at that time that because he was breaking a huge rule because of his sexual needs, he couldn't afford to break other rules."  Harry leaned forward and kissed Lee.  "The only other rules he breaks are those regarding maximum speed limits posted on highways."

"Harry!" Lee exclaimed.

"Are you denying you ignore speed limits?" Harry asked, a twinkle in his eye.

"I never endanger anyone," Lee declared.

"Except me," Harry retorted.

Lloyd clapped his hands.  "Children, children.  Harry, you didn't answer Michael's question."

Harry sobered.  "I was hoping you wouldn't notice."  He turned so he could hold and kiss Michael.  "I am three times your age.  It's bad enough that I'm old enough to be Lee's father, but I'm old enough to be your grandfather."

"Not quite," Charlie corrected, "but you are concerned about the age difference."

"Yes, I am," Harry admitted.  "I'm torn between the sexual urges I feel for Michael and my belief that it's wrong."

"Why is it wrong?" Michael pushed, still in the circle of Harry's arms.

"Because you're a minor and I'm supposed to be a responsible adult.  I should respect your innocence and your right to be young."

"And my father should have respected my human rights."  Michael stared into Harry's eyes and the room was silent.

Finally, Harry whispered, "I'm sorry."

"I don't want your sympathy," Michael snapped.  "I want your love and caring and support and I don't want you to make love to me and then beat yourself up because you think it was wrong for us to be together.  Love me or not, but skip the crap, Harry."

When Harry didn't move or reply, Charlie explained, "Ball's in your court, Harry.  He slammed it to you rather hard.  Any way you can return it?"

Harry never took his eyes from Michael.  "The main focus of my love is Lee."

"I know that," Michael responded.  "And I love Jason.  Does that mean you and I can't love each other?  Lloyd and I love each other and he loves Charlie and I love Jason."

"Michael, you're very special and I do feel something very strong for you, but it causes internal conflicts that I must live with."

"Will you let me help you with those conflicts?" Michael asked.

"Well, Harry?" Charlie asked softly.

"What can he do?  What can anyone do?" Harry moaned.

"Sometimes, old man," Lee added, "you can be very pig headed.  I want you to listen to Michael because he may be able to help me understand my own reservations, as well as yours."

Harry smiled at Lee.  "The best teachers always learn from their students."

"Like you learned from Bradley?" Michael asked softly.

"Why do you do that?"

"What?"

"Ask me questions that hurt so much."  Harry stared at Michael.

"Last night," Michael spoke softly, "you popped my cherry.  We shared something that I haven't even shared with my lover."  Michael glanced at Jason and smiled.  "Doesn't the trust I've shown for you buy me a little back?"

Harry stroked Michael's face.  "Yes, I suppose it does."

"Charlie asked you why you accepted the rule about students and teachers, but you didn't answer that.  Did it have anything to do with Bradley?" Michael asked.

Harry paled and looked at Lee.

"Sorry, you'll get no help from me," Lee responded.  "You've kept the story about Bradley secret from me all these years, and now it seems you're accountable to Michael.  Answer his question."

"Charlie?" Harry tried.

Charlie shook his head.

"Harry?" Michael asked.  "Please tell me."

"No one can do this for you, Harry," Charlie added.

Harry looked at Michael.  "I think there's the possibility that my causing Bradley's death was the final lesson about being involved with my students."

"But you and Lee spent last night with us."

"Without knowing the full extent of my guilt, Charlie has been pushing me to explore my interest in boys your age, trying to help me understand why beautiful young men like you turn me on."

"You think I'm attractive?" Michael asked, awe in his voice.

"Of course I do, and you seem to be drawn to me as well."  Harry gently kissed Michael's mouth.

"Many students are attracted to their teachers," Michael responded, holding Harry's face.  "And you're the one who's teaching me how to love Jason.  How can I not love you?"

"Can you love me knowing I killed Bradley?"

"Lee's right.  There's no evidence that you're guilty."

"There is no evidence that I'm innocent, either."

"You and Lee have to do a paper.  I'd like to read it and hear what you have to say after you've done your research.  Charlie had us do that when Shawn died.  I wish you could have talked to Charlie after Bradley died.  It might have been easier for you if you could have done that."

"I agree," Harry said, kissing Michael.  He then stood and held his hand out to Lee.  "I need a cigarette."

"You may take a ten minute break," Charlie said sternly and coughed.

"Make it fifteen," Kenneth ordered.  "Charlie, I want a temp.  Do you want me to do it here or upstairs?"

"I guess that depends on where you plan to stick the thermometer," Charlie replied, glaring at Kenneth.

"I'd suggest you follow orders, or I'll find something very unpleasant to corral you."

"Why don't you two go into Charlie's office," Lloyd suggested.  "Can you behave or do I need to referee?"

"Lee," Harry said quietly, "walk outside with me."

"Of course."  Lee followed Harry through the kitchen and out the back door and sat down next to him on the concrete steps.  "What?"

"I need you to hold me."  Harry moaned.  "I need to feel your hands on my body.  I need to be reminded that you love me."

"Of course I love you."  Lee placed his hands on Harry's face and pulled their mouths together.  

Harry's response was frantic, grabbing at Lee, crushing him.

"Easy, old man.  I know the pain you're experiencing.  All of us have been through it, but I don't want you carrying the burden of Bradley's guilt alone.  Harry, you have to stop keeping these things from me."

"Lee, I killed that boy as surely as if I had wielded the knife.  I can't get past that."

"The evidence--"

"Fuck the evidence!" Harry snapped, pulling away.  "You did not see that beautiful boy dead in his own blood.  I can't forget that sight or forgive myself.  I can't."  Harry buried his face in his hands.

Rubbing Harry's shoulder, Lee asked, "Can you at least admit that for you, loving these boys is okay?"

"Can you?"

"That's apples and oranges.  You even explained that to Michael.  As a matter of fact, you explained a number of things to Michael that you never bothered to explain to me.  Can you tell me why?"

Harry fumbled with his cigarettes before managing to light one.  "Innocence."

"What?"

"The answer to your question is innocence.  Michael looked at me with his great big dark brown eyes and defied my heart and soul to lie to him."

"But you can lie to me?"

"Don't do that.  It's never been my intention to lie to you or leave you out of things.  If for some bizarre reason you weren't in my life and Michael was, there would be many, more things about my life that I wouldn't tell him.  We've been all through this and I don't want to do it again."

Lee sighed.  "I don't need to know every secret in your life, but it breaks my heart to see you in this kind of pain.  You live with your sins, or your imagined sins, and you beat yourself up with them all the time.  Is that really necessary?"

"When you've lived as long as I have, when you've sinned as much as I have..."

"Who defines a sin?" Lee interrupted.  "Those old celibate men in Rome?"

"What?"  Harry looked at Lee.

"You said you went to confession after Bradley died.  Why?"

"I'd like to know the answer to that as well," Kenneth said from the doorway.  "But I'd like to see you privately for a moment first."

Standing, Harry growled, "I'm fine."

"I'm sure you are, but my job is to monitor Charlie's patients, particularly those in crisis."

"Since when?" Harry snapped.

"Since I almost died.  Charlie carries a lot of guilt because he claims he misread my grieving, so we work together now."

"That makes good sense," Lee rubbed Harry's shoulders.  "Go with Kenneth.  It'll only take a minute.  He probably just wants to check your blood pressure, or something."

"I'm not going back to the group," Harry announced.

"Oh yes you are," Kenneth responded.  "Your mental wounds need to be cleaned and dressed so you can heal.  If you need medication, I'll provide it, but you must finish what you've started."

"Is there a problem out here?" Lloyd asked.

"Just Harry's stubbornness," Lee replied, draping an arm around Harry and kissing him.

"Charlie's getting tired and we still have work to do."  Lloyd put his hands on his hips.  "Harry, what's the problem?"

"Put Charlie to bed, Lloyd.  I want to be alone."

"Of course you do, so you can lick your wounds and feel sorry for yourself.  But it's not going to happen.  Now you go with Kenneth or I'll kick your butt.  March!"

Harry looked at Lee.

"Lloyd handles stubborn patients all the time," Lee explained, "and he never loses.  Go."

Harry walked away with Kenneth, and Lee sagged against the door frame.  "How do you keep going?"

Lloyd pulled Lee inside and closed the door.  "Because I have to."  Lloyd wrapped his arms around Lee, kissing him.  "And because I love you and want to see you get better."

"How's Charlie?"

"Not as good as Kenneth would like for him to be.  But Charlie won't leave Harry in the middle of this and he convinced Kenneth that finishing tonight was necessary."

 "What else can I do?" Lee asked, taking Lloyd's hand as they walked across the kitchen.

"Just what you've been doing.  It's good to see you allow others to help Harry.  Michael seems to be doing well.  Can you let him finish?"

"Whatever'll make Harry better," Lee replied.

Lloyd dropped a kiss on Lee's mouth.  "I love you, Puppy."

Back in the living room, everyone was present except Harry and Kenneth.  Michael and Jason rushed to Lee.

"Is Harry all right?" Michael asked, grabbing Lee.

"He's with Kenneth," Lee answered.  "But we're not through."  Lee stepped to Charlie.  "Do you think I should hold Harry while he faces Michael?"

"What do you think?"  Charlie's face was shiny with sweat.

"I think you should be in bed."

"We can't leave Harry in the middle of this.  Work with me and I'll be fine."

Lee kissed Charlie's forehead.  "I think Michael can get answers from Harry that I can't."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Unsettled.  I'll deal with it in my journal.  Right now I can only worry about Harry.  And you."

Charlie smiled weakly as Lloyd joined them.

"Thank you, Puppy.  I know this has been difficult for you as well.  I'm very proud of the way you're handling yourself and Harry's problem."

Lee kissed Lloyd.  "I had good teachers."

A subdued Harry walked into the room.  Lee took his lover and kissed him.  "Are you all right?"

"I will be if you'll keep me away from him," Harry pointed to Kenneth.

"What did you do?" Lee asked the doctor.

"It's what he threatened to do if I didn't behave myself," Harry answered, "and I can't even pull rank on him."

Lee settled Harry on the floor where he was facing Michael.  Jason supported Michael.  Kenneth sat with Cary, next to Harry on one side while Scott and Mitchell sat on the other.  Steven and David sat on one side of Jason and Michael while Christopher and Luke sat on the other side.  The group of couples formed a circle of sorts, with Charlie and Lloyd in chairs.

"Harry," Kenneth started, "when I interrupted you on the back steps, Lee had asked you why you went to confession after Brad's death.  I think you should answer that question and I'd like to know how long it had been since you had been to confession prior to that."

Harry glared at Kenneth who glared back.  Finally, Harry turned his eyes to Michael.  "Hold my hands."

Michael ran his fingertips down Harry's face.  "Anything you need."  Taking Harry's hands, Michael kissed the fingers.

Swallowing, Harry talked to Michael.  "I hadn't been to confession in a long time.  I hadn't been near a church in years.  When I found Brad..."  Harry dropped his head onto his chest.

"I know it's hard," Lee whispered softly, "but it won't ever be easier."

"I was scared."  Harry raised his head and looked at Michael.

"I know what fear is and what it can do."  Michael rubbed his fingers over Harry's.

Harry's eyes responded.  "Of course you do.  I'm sorry."

"Tell me about your fear," Michael commanded.

"I knew he was dead without feeling for a pulse.  The floor was covered in his blood, which was still seeping from the wounds.  I turned away and puked on the floor in the hall.  It seemed like hours before I could turn back and look at the room.  I needed to call security but I knew once the room became a crime scene, I'd never see Bradley again.  I was immobile until I heard a noise from the other end of the hall.  Several cadets were coming in and I found my voice to yell for someone to call security.  I was still standing in the doorway when all those people arrived."

Michael looked at Charlie, who nodded.  "When did you go to the church, Harry?"

"Sometime that night.  I don't know when.  There were so many questions.  *What happened?  What was I doing there?  Who vomited in the corridor?*  But no one would answer my question of *why*?"

"The church, Harry?" Michael probed.

"When I finally stumbled out of Bradley 's dorm, I didn't know where to go.  I couldn't go home, I'd made love to him there.  I wandered around the streets.  When I passed a church, it seemed the right thing to do.  I lit a candle for Bradley.  It's funny how easy the rituals were for me.  Then I knelt on the bar in the pew and prayed.  I must have fallen asleep because it was daylight when a priest woke me.  He must have thought I was drunk but I insisted he hear my confession."

"Harry."  Michael wiped the tears from Harry's face.  "Did you tell the priest you killed Brad?"

"Michael, you need to understand that I am responsible for Bradley's death and there have been other men whose blood is on my hands."

Michael kissed Harry's hands.  "Let's focus on Bradley.  It's too easy for you to change the subject."

"Who appointed you my shrink?" Harry snapped.

"My feelings for you.  Many sessions with me sitting where you're.  Your positive response to my questions.  Everyone in this room has been in your spot, we all know your pain and we all know you have to do this.  Now, did you tell the priest you killed Bradley?"

"I told him the truth.  I told him that my sexual attentions to Bradley  had driven him to commit suicide.  That's worse than if I had murdered him.  He couldn't be buried in consecrated ground, he would never be at peace with his family, his parents would go through more agony because of Bradley 's suicide and if I went to them and confessed my role it would be worse because it would place more sin on Bradley 's head.  If there was any justice in this world, God would strike me dead and give my life to Bradley."

"But that didn't happen?"  Michael gripped Harry's hands.

"No.  I have to live with the guilt of what I've done until I make my final answer to God.  And to Bradley ."

"Harry," Lee said quietly, "you don't believe in God."

"Laddie, in a fox hole or staring at your lover, dead by his own hand, a non believer will be held accountable for his sins.  I will have to answer for Bradley 's death."

"What if there's another answer?" Michael asked, pulling Harry's attention back.

"Michael, there is no other answer.  You must accept that."

"I don't understand why you refuse to believe you're innocent.  But I want to know what the priest told you."

"The church teaches that God will forgive any sin if there is remorse and penance.  I wanted God to strike me dead but I couldn't compound my sins by taking my own life."

"Did you try?"  The room was silent as Michael's question hung in the night air.

"No, but I did think about it, night after sleepless night.  I went to Mass, I went to confession, I prayed until my knees were stiff and sore.  I promised God that I would never touch another man."

"But?"

"I couldn't stop my body from responding to the young men on campus.  I started having dreams," Harry looked at Michael, "wet dreams, and dreams about Professor Jenkins.  I was afraid to sleep, then I couldn't function in the classroom.  I had to get out before I lost my mind."

Michael looked at Charlie, who nodded.  "Describe your dreams about Professor Jenkins."

"Isn't that changing the subject?"  Harry looked around the quiet candlelit room.

"I don't think so.  You loved and trusted him.  Tell me about the dreams."

"Everything was crazy.  I'd doze off remembering Bradley in my arms, then I'd wake up.  The next time I'd sleep, Carl would be holding me.  I saw Bradley 's bloodless body everywhere I looked.  I couldn't sleep alone in the bed I had shared with him.  Then I'd see Carl standing over Bradley  until I'd scream away the images."

"Charlie?" Michael asked.

"What do you think?" Charlie inquired softly.

"I think the dreams about Bradley represent Harry's love, his despair, his guilt."

"And Carl Jenkins?" Charlie probed.

"Harry felt safe with Carl, his teacher, his mentor, his lover.  Was Carl trying to protect Harry from Bradley or Bradley from Harry?"

"Go on, Michael," Charlie encouraged.

"If Harry is wrong about his guilt, maybe the Professor in his dreams was trying to tell Harry to look further than himself.  But Harry was too steeped in guilt to look for other answers."

"Harry, what do you think?" Charlie said.

"I think you're taking the workings of a lonely old man's overtired mind and twisting them into some bizarre symbolism."

"And, my friend, I think you were so consumed by guilt and grief that you refused to see any other possibilities."

"Why are you all so convinced of my innocence?"

"Harry, I've been counseling men for a long time.  I've dealt with boys I couldn't save from their own destruction, survivors of suicidal partners like Scott, men like Kenneth who have lost their partners to accidental death, and I've yet to find a suicide that was the result of what you've admitted to.  I wish you could have come to me then.  You found sanctuary in the church that fed your guilt and condemned you for being the man God made you to be.  If you were any less than the man you are, the emotional strain would have broken you."

"Will we find any answers when we do the papers?" Lee nuzzled Harry's neck.

"I'd like to answer that," Mitchell said, holding on to Scott.

Charlie nodded.

"You're going to find a lot of ugliness and heart breaking sadness.  I learned that many people kill themselves because they are in pain or they think their lives are so screwed up it can't be fixed.  Sometimes it's serious depression.  Rarely does the death make sense and a lot of the time, those of us left behind never know the reason why the one we loved died."

"How did you survive the pain?"

"I was lucky.  I had Lloyd and Charlie.  And Scott was here.  We met while we were licking our wounds and something special grew from that which allowed both of us to handle our pain.  You had no one.  It could be a miracle that you didn't die from a lack of interest in living."

"The next few months," Charlie added, "are going to be difficult and painful, which is why I want you to work with Lee every step of the way.  When you have completed your research, we'll meet again to discuss your findings."

Harry nodded, keeping his eyes on the floor.

Charlie coughed and Lloyd offered water.  "Harry, if Bradley was standing here right now, what would you say to him?"

"That I'm sorry.  I never meant to take his life."

"Michael," Charlie continued, "what do you think Bradley would say to Harry, if he could."

Michael lifted Harry's face.  "I think Bradley would say how sorry he is to have caused you such grief.  That he never meant for his pain to be your pain.  I also think that if Bradley  had any love for you at all, he'd ask you to forgive yourself."

"Danny," Charlie leaned forward, "please pour the sherry, then pass the glasses around."

Cary assisted Danny in the silent room.

When each man held a glass, Charlie stood, studying the dark liquor in the candlelight.  "Blood, or wine symbolizing blood, also plays a part in religious ceremonies.  Tonight, this wine represents the blood, which is the life, of Bradley  Covington.  Harry, you think his blood stains your hands, but tonight, I want you to understand that his blood touches your heart.  Drink with me, remembering your love, and find strength in that love to look for the truth."  Charlie drained the small glass.

The rest of the men followed Charlie's action.

Stepping to face Harry, Charlie took both empty glasses and handed them to Danny.  "Harry, I love you."  Charlie kissed Harry's check.  "I want you to work through this and I want you to stop keeping things from Lee.  Promise."

Harry touched his lips to Charlie's.  "I'll do my best."

"I think Harry's had enough," Kenneth announced, stepping to Harry and Charlie.  "And, Lloyd, I want Charlie in bed right now.  He may only get up to use the bathroom.  If he abuses the privilege, he loses it."  Kenneth glared at Charlie.  "Do I make myself clear?"

Charlie nodded.  "Danny, can you finish here?"

"Of course," Danny replied.

Kenneth turned to Harry.  "I'd like to give you something to help you sleep."

"No," Harry snapped.

"Yes," Lee insisted.

"Please?  You need to sleep," Michael added.

"Okay, I give up," Harry mumbled.

"I'll meet you in your room in a few minutes."  Kenneth followed Charlie and Lloyd up the stairs.

"Michael, please take Harry to our room," Lee directed.
     

end