Work Text:
Time…
by Holly
Time to come to terms with what I’ve made of my life…
Time to gather the memories and events of my lifetime and cast them onto the bonfire of my mortality…
Time to see what message will form in the flames…
What do I feel, knowing that I won’t be getting any more second chances?
Afraid?
Every day of my life.
I’ve lived my entire life in fear; fear that was hidden under a show of invulnerability…hidden too well. What I wanted more than anything was for someone to see through that disguise, to see the scared little boy inside – the real me – but I wouldn’t…couldn’t let it show. Couldn’t let there be any cracks in the façade I’d built.
I craved the comfort of knowing that I didn’t have to be invincible, of being able to admit that I was hurting so much more than I let on, but to admit it would have been to leave myself open to further hurt.
Sometimes risking a fall is worth it.
Ashamed?
Yes, but not for the things I’ve done.
I’ve spent my entire life committing crimes, but I have no remorse when it comes to that behavior. No, I’m ashamed of myself for the things I haven’t done…the words left unsaid.
I should have said “I love you.”
I should have said “I was wrong.”
I should have said “Forgive me.”
I should have said so many things to so many people…should have put aside my fear of leaving myself vulnerable and jumped. Sometimes the seemingly bottomless pit has a bottom. Sometimes that bottom is a better place than the one you were afraid to leave. Sometimes you have to take the risk and throw yourself into the unknown.
Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can truly learn to fly.
Loved?
No. Love, like time, is one thing that I’ve never had enough of.
I have no one to blame but myself for the depressing fact that I’ve never truly felt loved. I’ve been afraid and have pushed people away. I was afraid of being hurt…afraid of being abandoned. Better to never know the feeling of being loved than to know it and have it torn away from you. I was only trying to protect myself, but managed to end up hurting myself more deeply than anyone else could have if I had just let them love me.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
At peace?
In a strange way, yes.
The wisdom that comes with knowing that you’re dying brings with it a sort of tranquility. I may not have been perfect…may have failed myself and others innumerable times, but there’s nothing I can do to change any of it now, and that knowledge brings with it a certain peaceful resignation.
I have no more time to make amends, to put right the things that I’ve done wrong, but there’s a relief that comes with that knowledge. I have no pretenses to hind behind any longer and I know that if this were just another day, if I were not being taken off this earth, I wouldn’t…couldn’t make things right. I would still be running, hiding like the scared little boy that I am and always have been. With death comes the knowledge that I don’t have to hide any longer, that nothing can hurt me anymore.
Time…
Time to finally stop running…
END