Work Text:
A Sentinel's Comfort
by Purry
Jim Ellison just about had all his chores finished. The only one left on his to do list was grocery shopping.
After making out a store order, he left for the Friendly Grocery around the corner.
Parking the Ford in front of the store, Jim made a mad dash through the rain trying to keep as dry as possible.
Once inside, he grabbed a shopping cart.
"Let the shopping begin." Jim mumbled to himself.
The store was packed, mostly with women shoppers. Jim maneuvered his buggy down the first aisle that displayed the produce. After he picked out the fruits and vegetables he needed and Sandburg insisted on, he moved on to the next row.
Fifteen minutes into his shopping, Jim turned the corner with his cart and rammed it into another customer's buggy. He started to mumble an apology, but stopped when he looked up into the most beautiful green eyes he had ever seen.
"Uh, excuse me." Jim finally responded.
"Just watch where you’re going!" the green-eyed lady replied.
"I didn’t break anything, did I?"
"You hit my cart, not me!" the lady said.
Laughing a little, Jim said. "I meant your eggs."
"Oh! I think everything’s OK."
Not wanting to let an opportunity slip by, Jim introduced himself.
"I’m Jim, Jim Ellison."
"That’s nice." the green-eyed beauty said with a smirk.
"Yeah! Uh, do you have a name?" he tried once again.
"Of course I have a name." she shot back.
The incident had turned into an embarrassing situation for the Detective. He tried to find a way not to look like a complete idiot. She was showing him no mercy. Actually, she seemed to enjoy the awkwardness that hung between them.
Jim decided it was time to cut his loses and make a hasty retreat. He pulled his cart away from the unfriendly woman and started to push by her.
"I know what you were up to," the lady exclaimed.
"What? I’m sorry, were you speaking to me?" Jim replying with a chill in his voice.
"Yes, I was *speaking* to you. You’re not the first, you know."
"Lady, I have no idea what you’re talking about and don’t really care. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have shopping to do." Jim said while trying to turn the corner to the next aisle.
"You don’t! Well let me fill you in. The first time I thought it was an accident, the second, a coincidence but now a third time, I know." she said indignantly.
"What? Just what do you know?" Jim’s temper flared.
"Sure play it straight. Pretend to be innocent."
"I’ve had it," the Sentinel yelled.
"You’ve had it?!? I’ve had it! I’m sick and tired of being hit on. Can’t you guys come up with something better to do then replay an old episode of Happy Days." she responded.
"Lady, you’re crazy." Jim said fed up with this interrogation.
"You can’t tell me you didn’t hit my cart on purpose. Fonzie may get by with it, but you’re no Fonz. Hell, you’re not even a Ralph Mouth. Just so you know, I’m putting you on notice. If I see you do anything, I mean anything, that I think is inappropriate, I’m going to report you to the manager."
With that said, she moved around Jim and made her way down the aisle, leaving a stunned sentinel standing.
After the shock of what just happened had worn off, Jim continued with his shopping. He was in a rush to finish and get back to the solace of his loft and to inform Sandburg that the shopping was going to be the young grad student's new chore. He'd make it house-rule number forty-five.
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Jim was in the homestretch, the last row. Paper products were all that consumed the shelves. Paper towels, trash bags and toilet paper were all that was left on his shopping list.
Stopping in front of the different brands of toilet paper, Jim had a decision to make. Did he want to skimp on this necessity or did he keep a certain part of his anatomy happy.
"A sentinel's comfort was a necessity to a happy anthropologist, Big Guy," to quote Blair.
Ellison smirked.
A Charmin commercial came to mind. Jim picked up a package of the toilet paper and began to read.
"Hmmm, ‘squeezably soft it’s irresistible.’ well let’s just see if it lives up to it’s declaration." Ellison mumbled to himself.
He used both hands and gave the package of Charmin a squeeze.
"Not bad, but what’s the chance the next package will be as soft." Jim reasoned. He picked up another package and squeezed it. He repeated the process many times, losing count of the many packages he had squeezed. Mindlessly turning up his sense of touch with each package. Unbeknownst to him , he was being watched.
The green-eyed she-witch had seen the unsuspecting Jim, having too much fun, squeezing the Charmin. She reported to the manager that there was a pervert in his grocery store and demanded he take action.
"Excuse me, Sir!" the store manager said.
"Yes?" Jim replied.
"May I ask, what are you doing?"
"I was just seeing if the ads are true. You know squeezably soft! I have to say, they’re right on the mark." Jim happily responded.
Clearing his throat the manager continued.
"Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I’ve had a complaint about your earlier shenanigans and now this. So please…"
"What!?! Who’d report such a thing?" Just then, Jim saw the once thought of beauty standing at the end of the aisle with a familiar smirk on her face.
"Sir, if you don’t leave now, I’ll be forced to ban you from my establishment."
"Ban! You can’t ban me for squeezing toilet paper!" Jim exclaimed.
"If you’d squeezed one or two packages, no, I wouldn’t even consider banning you, but you’ve squeezed just about every package of toilet paper in the story." the manage pointed out.
"I was only trying to see if it was worth the extra money to buy Charmin instead of a less popular and cheaper brand." Jim pleaded his case.
"I have no other choice but to ban you. Son, I think you need help. This toilet paper fetish you have is serious. When you have seen a doctor about your problem, and he helps you realize there is more to life than feeling up toilet paper, then, and only then, you will be welcome back into my store."
"But…." Jim stammered
Before the sentinel was able to get more than a but out, the manager took hold of his arm and escorted him out the door where he was told that he was blacklisted from the Friendly Grocery.
Jim stood outside in the pouring rain unable to comprehend what had just happened. He retreated back to his Ford truck, food-less, toilet paperless and banned.
Woe was he.
The End....<hehehe>