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Disclaimer: These guys don’t belong to me. Anything they say or do is purely a product of my imagination and I get nothing but personal satisfaction from this, so when I’m done I put them back where I found them…darnit.
Blair moved some bags around to make room for Kerrie’s things and then ran up the stairs to her apartment. He was really looking forward to this camping trip. He’d packed everything they would need and had even borrowed some of it from Jim so that it would be a good trip for his fiancée.
But thinking of Jim made him sigh and then he kicked himself. Jim had said that he had plenty to keep him occupied over the unexpected long weekend he had. Simon had made him take it off since he’d been putting in so many hours lately. Blair had put in as many as he could with Jim, but between the university classes he taught and spending time with Kerrie, Blair rarely saw him outside of the bullpen. Had he but known Jim would have the weekend off, it may not have been Kerrie going on this trip. Guilt flooded through him at his slight mental betrayal. It wasn’t Kerrie’s fault that Blair was in love with a man who would never return his feelings. But it wasn’t like she was second best, either. Blair truly loved her and knew he would be a good husband to her.
He readied himself and then knocked on her door. Kerrie always jumped into his arms when he came by and, being the man he was, he’d never turn down the opportunity to have an armful of beautiful woman wiggling against him. He wasn’t disappointed as the door opened and she launched herself into his arms.
“Oh, Blair, I’m so excited about this trip! Three whole days of just you and me and Mother Nature.”
“Mmm, I can’t wait either.” Blair moaned into her fragrant neck as he lightly kneaded her firm ass. Kerrie was into weight training and it showed in the strong muscles all over her body. In fact, that was how he’d met her. She was working out when both he and Jim had come by for their workout. It was funny. At first he figured she was staring at Jim, and who wouldn’t? After all, Jim was built like a Greek statue but, she claimed later, it was his hair that had drawn her attention. And that, Blair figured, was the only thing he had over Jim. But it had proven enough. They’d begun dating shortly after that.
Kerrie pulled him into the apartment and Blair saw Kerrie’s backpack and a couple bags of groceries stacked near the door.
“You’re ready. Great.” Blair rubbed his hands together in anticipation and then reached for a bag. “I’ll start humping some of these down to the car while you get anything else you need, okay?” With another swift kiss Blair was out the door with the backpack and a grocery bag.
He’d left the door ajar when he went down, so upon returning he walked into the apartment only to hear Kerrie on the phone.
“Oh, no! Isn’t there anyone else you can call! I was on my way out for a camping trip.” Disappointment was heavy in her voice and Blair had the sinking feeling that their trip had just been canceled.
That’s what you get, Blair my boy, when you hook up with someone in a demanding profession like nursing, he told himself, and then ruefully added …or police work. He saw the dejected slump of Kerrie’s shoulders as she turned to him.
“You’re not going to be able to go, are you babe?”
“I’m so sorry, Blair. That was the Head of Nursing. They’re scrambling to cover some shortages because so many people are out sick with the ‘flu. They want me to work a double-shift today and tomorrow.” She whined disconsolately and Blair flinched slightly. Kerrie did love her job, normally, but this really sucked.
“That’s okay, Ker, we can go another time. Besides, it’s early in the year and it’s still a bit cold up there. Maybe later on would be more comfortable anyway.” Blair took her into his arms as he tried to cheer her up. “When do you have to go in?”
“Right now. The shift has already started so I need to get there as soon as possible.”
Blair watched as she bent to start removing her hiking boots. “Okay, Ker. I’ll go get your stuff back out of the car. And maybe, if you’re not too tired, we can see each other on Sunday?”
Kerrie just gave him a sad smile and a kiss and went to get into her nursing uniform.
Blair drove back to the loft. And now he felt a certain amount of guilty pleasure because he had a legitimate reason to spend the weekend with Jim. Blair had decided long ago that if friendship was all he was to have with Jim then so be it because breaking away from him was not only unfeasible with the Guide/Sentinel needs, but because Blair needed to have Jim in his life in whatever capacity he could.
Blair reached the loft and parked. Grabbing his backpack and a couple of sleeping bags he began the process of unloading his car. He hoped that Jim was home. He’d probably pitch in a hand to get it done and maybe they could figure out something to do together.
Blair dropped the sleeping bags as he dug out his keys. Opening the door and blocking it with his foot, he reached to pick up the sleeping bags again and turned only to get the shock of his life. Jim was standing at the door dressed only in a pair of jeans that were still unzipped. It was obvious that he’d just thrown them on. But behind him stood another man who was completely undressed and who was holding a gun pointed straight at Blair.
“It’s okay, Nick, put the gun away. This is Blair, my roommate.”
Blair was still shocked to silence. Jim was with a man. Jim was with a man in an intimate way. “Oh, God, I’m sorry, Jim…I’ll just get…” Blair turned to leave and then tripped on a sleeping bag that had somehow dropped out of his hands.
“Blair, are you okay?” Jim reached out to help him stand but Blair could see his jaw working overtime. He had to get out of there.
“I’m okay, Jim, I’m sorry…let me get…”
“No, Blair. Please stay…we need to talk…” Jim turned to the other man. “Nick…”
Nick paused in his dressing to look unbelievingly at Jim. Blair looked at Nick and saw anger building in the dark brown eyes at the interruption. He was tall, good-looking, well-built and probably a cop judging by the gun. Blair was sure he’d never seen him before.
“No, Jim,” Blair began again as he tugged on his arm. He needed to get the hell out of there and think this through, but Jim hadn’t let go of his arm. Finally Nick spoke.
“I thought you said he was just your roommate?” Now Blair knew he was angry as he pulled on his boots and then stuffed his shirt into his pants.
“He’s more than that, Nick. He’s my friend and I need to explain all this. I’m sorry, okay?” Jim turned to Blair. “Sandburg, can you give us a minute?”
“Yeah, sure Jim. I’ll, uhh, just be in my room.” Blair quickly moved to his room and shut the door to escape the anger in the other man. He could hear the heated whispers through the French doors of his room.
“What the hell is this, Jim? He shows up and you kick me out?”
“Yes, I need some time here. I’ll call you later.”
Heavy sigh. “Yeah, whatever.”
Blair heard the front door open and slam as his thoughts flew. Jim was gay. All this time and he’d never told him. Blair laughed. He’d never told Jim, either. So what did this mean? How serious were they? Blair threw himself onto his futon. Suddenly there was a tentative knock on the door.
“Blair?”
Still in shock Blair just stared and, after a moment, finally found his tongue. Getting off the bed he opened the door to see Jim standing there, fully dressed, but with an intense look on his face that almost…and Blair wasn’t sure if he was seeing things…but it almost looked like fear.
“Please, Blair. We need to talk, okay?”
“Yeah, Jim…okay, sure.”
Jim took him by the arm and led him out to the living room couch. Blair could see how nervous he was as Jim pushed him to sit down. “Jim?”
“I’m going to get a beer, Sandburg. You want one?” Jim headed towards the kitchen.
“Jim, it’s ten o’clock in the morning…so no, man, I don’t want a beer. Please…can you just talk to me?” Blair saw Jim stop but he didn’t turn around. Blair looked down at his hands. “Jim, man, why didn’t you ever tell me?”
Jim came back into the living room and sat down on the seat opposite Blair and just looked at him, the muscle in his jaw flexing spasmodically. Blair decided he had to start this again. It didn’t look like any words were going to come out of that granite jaw.
“So…you’re gay.”
At those words it was like a small pinprick in a blown up balloon. All the air seemed to rush out of Jim as he leaned back into the chair and stared at the ceiling.
“I’m bi…I still like women, too, Chief. I did really love Carolyn at one time, you know.”
“And you’ve dated only women since I’ve known you…”
“Well, that’s not strictly true…you know when I said not to bring any of your dates home? Well, I didn’t bring any of mine home, either. But for more reasons than just not having the privacy here.”
“Okaaay…so how long have you known this?”
“Since I was in high school. I couldn’t do much about it while I was in the Army unless I went on leave someplace where nobody knew me. It made it damn hard. Joining the police department wasn’t that much easier except that then I knew a lot more places I could go, you know, away from Central Division. Working vice did have its perks.” Jim said the last with a grim smile. “Nick is from Eastern. I met him at a conference and we just seem to hit it off. We’d get together sometimes when we were both off. More so lately since you’ve been with Kerrie.”
Mention of Kerrie brought reality back to Blair. Here was his chance. He just had to tell Jim about him…but could he do that to her? Blair shut his eyes. Everything he’d ever wanted was sitting right here in the room with him in one solidly muscled package. Then a second dose of reality sunk in…Nick was tall and good-looking, muscular in a way that Blair wasn’t. So just because Jim was Blair’s dream guy, the reverse didn’t necessarily hold true. Why would Jim be interested in a short, hairy neo-hippy witchdoctor punk?
Jim saw Blair close his eyes with a look of…distress? Sadness? Either way, both of those emotions meant Jim would probably lose the best friend he’d ever had. He knew that Blair wouldn’t cut him off. He was too generous, open-minded and caring to hold Jim’s sexuality against him. But Jim was sure this would put a wall between them that had never been there before. He had visions of Blair moving out to be with his fiancée until the wedding. And although Jim would never begrudge him his happiness, he was already beginning to mourn the loss of his best friend…a man who was actually more than his best friend because Jim had known for a long time that he was in love with Blair. Blair, the rampantly heterosexual table-leg humping little ball of energy that had taken his heart the first time he’d looked into Jim’s eyes when Jim had thrown him against a wall that day at Ranier.
“I’m sorry, Blair. I’ll understand if you want to move out, find a new place or go to Kerrie. You guys are going to be married soon and…” Jim trailed off at the pained look on his friend’s face. “Blair…?”
“Jim, there’s…ah…something I need to tell you, man.” Blair suddenly jumped up, expelling a deep breath as he did so. “God! Why did this have to happen this way, man!?” Blair dropped his face as he buried his hands in his hair.
Jim came out of his chair to stand next to Blair. “Blair, I’m sorry, damnit! I don’t know what to tell you…”
Suddenly Blair spun around and stared at Jim. “Jim…how do you feel about me?”
“What?” The confusion was obvious on Jim’s face.
“You’re bi so you like guys…what do you feel about me?”
“You’re my friend…”
Blair grabbed Jim by the biceps. “I know that…but what do you feel about me, man? Feel for me?”
Jim pulled away. “Don’t do this, Blair! You’re engaged to Kerrie…you’re my friend, damnit!”
Blair decided to pull out all the stops, finally, for once in his life. There was no attempt at hiding. No obfuscation whatsoever.
“Jim, I need to know...” Blair took a deep breath. “I need to know, man, because I’m bi, too, and I…well, I…care about you, okay? I care for you…and I need to know if I stand any kind of a chance.” Blair paused at the complete stillness of his friend. “Jim…I’m no Nick. I know that, but we’ve known each other a long time and…”
Jim spun so quickly it made Blair’s heart jump. Before he knew it Jim had his arms on his biceps and was pulling him up so that he stood on the tips of his toes. Jim stared deeply into his eyes.
“What about Kerrie?”
Oh, God…he would ask that, wouldn’t he? Tears sprang to his eyes as he shook his head. “I don’t know, man…I don’t know anything except that I love you.” Blair’s voice caught on a sob. “I love you, Jim, and I have for a long…”
The last word was lost when Jim’s mouth came crashing down onto his and the world came to a complete stop. Without thought Blair’s arms came around Jim’s waist and he felt the answering pressure of Jim’s arms around him, pulling him tight against Jim’s chest, one hand sliding up to dig into his hair. He did the only thing he could possibly do. He opened his mouth to Jim’s questing tongue and gave himself over to the man he’d loved for so long.
When they finally broke apart for much needed air Jim buried his face in Blair’s neck. Blair had to know.
“How long, Jim?”
“Ever since a neo-hippy witchdoctor punk looked into my eyes and said he could help me.” Jim’s mouth came back down on Blair’s and strong hands started to rip at his shirt. Blair brought his own hands up and together they ripped one another’s clothes off but he had to know for sure, had to hear the words before he tore someone’s world apart. “Tell me Jim. Let me hear you say it.”
Jim pulled back and then buried both of his hands in Blair’s hair. His chest was heaving as though he couldn’t catch his breath as he looked into Blair’s eyes.
“I love you, Blair Sandburg, more than I’ve ever loved anyone else in my life.”
Blair leaned his head back as his eyes closed. He couldn’t stop now if his life depended on it and he prayed that someday Kerrie would forgive him. Opening his eyes he looked at Jim and gave him a tremulous smile, one filled with hope and promises and then pulled Jim’s head back down to his.
Blair lost count of how many times they loved one another. Hot bouts of passion were interspersed with nearly comatose sleep where they laid together, sweat-drenched limbs tangled as they breathed in one another’s breath. Eventually they did make it to the shower and then to the kitchen. A few short bites of sustenance exploded into more lovemaking on the kitchen floor, the table, against the counter. And when their mouths weren’t busy devouring each other, the occasional giggle or scream of each other’s names punctuated the sound of slapping flesh.
And by unspoken agreement, the one thing that they did not do was talk. Their mutual silence seemed to protect the bubble they lived in. But eventually, as they lay together in sated splendor early on Sunday morning, Jim did speak that one name that lay between them. Kerrie.
“What happens now, Chief?” Jim continued playing with one long corkscrew curl. He knew that Blair was supposed to see Kerrie later that day but despite everything that had happened between them he was still insecure enough to believe it could go either way. And although it would kill him, he vowed to respect whatever decision Blair made.
Blair sighed deeply and pulled away from Jim’s arms, sitting up and putting his arms around his bent knees.
“I really loved her, Jim. I think I still do.” He heard the catch in Jim’s breath and turned to reassure the man who was everything. “But I choose you.”
Jim stared, a million thoughts going through his head and found he was completely unable to articulate even the simplest. So he simply nodded.
“No regrets, Jim, except for the pain I’m going to cause her.”
Blair leaned forward and dropped his forehead onto Jim’s chest. Jim’s arms automatically came around him and held him close. One hand rubbing circles into the now shaking back as the tears came.