Work Text:
Secrets Behind Blue Eyes
Warnings: There is a pretty graphic attempted rape scene, bad language and some violence.
I have been watching the two of them for weeks now. They both have blue eyes but just like their hair color their eyes are totally different. Hutch is fair skinned with blond hair that many women would kill to possess without having to resort to bottles. His eyes are a serene blue. That doesn’t do them justice. His eyes are like the ocean. Sometimes they are picture postcard calm and reflect a cloudless summer blue sky but then they can change quicker than a storm at sea. They can reflect the upheavals of seismic activity on the seabed and change to a hue so dark it’s almost navy. Whatever color they reflect I have not been able to read what goes on behind them very clearly. Ken Hutchinson keeps the windows to his soul opaque except for the access he gives his partner. Only in David Starsky’s presence do they become transparent.
David Starsky, how do I describe him? He is a polar opposite of his partner. Dark curls frame a face that has been sculpted from the finest raw material. He has a smile that generates enough electricity to light this city. His eyes could only be described as blue by someone who has never seen cornflowers growing wild and turning their heads to the sun. The color changes with the different facets of his personality. Sometimes they reflect the light of childlike curiosity at the surrounding world. At other times they radiate a gleam like a flash of light against metal. I have seen them glisten with moisture as a reaction to witnessing one more ugly act on the streets where he spends his days. I have seen the lids close so that the color almost vanishes like a gloaming signalling the end of another long day. It saddens me to say that there is one aspect to David Starsky’s eyes that I am not privy to and I know I never will be. With all the moods he displays to the world there is one aspect of his inner light that is only shared with his partner.
I’m getting off the subject here so it’s time for me to marshal my thoughts. I need to have the whole thing clear in my head so that I don’t make any slip-ups. ‘Slip ups’ Jesus! That would be funny if it wasn’t so damn tragic. I wish I had a cigarette. I feel like giggling – I don’t smoke – this must be what they mean by hysteria. Am I hysterical? No, I’m just upset. I need something to do with my hands. I pour strong tepid coffee into a cup and then I wrap my two hands around it and wander to the couch. The liquid is bitter and I squirm as it hits the back of my throat. I close my eyes but quickly reverse the process. I don’t want to see the images that flash clearly under my closed lids. I stare into nothingness and begin recalling the whole sordid affair.
I remember clearly the evening that changed my life and put into motion this terrible chain of events. It was early evening on a late spring day almost four years ago and I had just entered my house. I was tired after my shift in the local hospital where I worked as a nurse on a surgical ward. At twenty-four I felt too old to be living at home with my parents but it was an economic necessity. My parents had married in their forties and I had been born a year later then six years later my brother Thomas had arrived in the world. To say that Thomas was a surprise was a vast understatement but to every one’s delight he was perfect. My father was the local odd jobs man and my mother had worked as a secretary before her marriage so money was always tight. Somehow my parents managed to get the money to put me through nursing school and once I had graduated and started earning I remained at home and helped out financially. Thomas was very bright but unfortunately not bright enough to win a full scholarship to college so when he decided to go to a university in California it meant an extra burden for us but one, which as a family we were glad to shoulder. I had just entered the kitchen when there was a knock on the front door. Dad waved me to a chair and left the room to answer it. I heard the low hum of voices and then my father’s raised voice. ‘Oh God! No. It’s a mistake.’ But it hadn’t been a mistake. Thomas my beloved brother of eighteen was dead.
Dad had insisted on flying to Bay City by himself to positively identify Thomas. I had stayed with my mother in our small town in Oregon. Dad returned with Thomas’s casket and the details of his death. According to the police report my beautiful baby brother was in the process of robbing a convenience store with one of his friends when the owner had fired his legally held handgun. The shot had gone wild but it was enough to alert the police and when they arrived on the scene Thomas had fired a gun at one of them and one of his colleges had returned fire. Thomas had been unfortunate as the bullet had only hit him in the right shoulder but he had an allergic reaction to the anaesthesia and died on the operating table. Life was never the same after that. My mother died three months later of a massive heart attack and my father crawled into a bourbon bottle and stayed there. My secure world fell apart and there was nothing I could do to put it back together. I was friendly with our local sheriff Hal Jefferson and we saw each other from time to time. Hal was a good listener and after one of our ‘dates’ he offered to find out as much as he could about Thomas’s death.
A week later Hal turned up at the house with a serious look on his face. We drove to a quiet little bar on the outskirts of town. We settled in to a booth at the back of the dimly lit joint and then Hal proceeded to tell me what he had discovered about Thomas’s murder. Even then I was convinced that my brother had been killed unlawfully and no amount of so-called facts was going to change that opinion. Hal had spoken to a police Captain in Bay City. This Captain Dobey had been courteous and helpful. He told Hal that Thomas had got mixed up in drugs and that according to his college counsellor he was failing his courses. The night of the robbery Thomas was suffering withdrawal symptoms and somehow he and another addict had decided to rob a store to get money for a fix. I remember how my throat had constricted as I heard my brother called ‘an addict’ and I remember Hal taking my hand as he had carried on giving me information that I didn’t want to hear. This Captain Dobey had assured Hal that his detectives had used minimal force in trying to capture Thomas. His accomplice had surrendered as soon as the first police officers had entered the store but Thomas was so wound up that he refused to surrender and instead fired several rounds at them. One of the bullets just missed hitting a detective and in fact flying glass from a cooler, which the bullet had smashed into, had cut the officer, a detective Starsky. His partner, detective Hutchinson, then challenged Thomas but was forced to fire his weapon. I knew the rest. I sat sobbing into a soda while Hal patted my hand. Hal tried to offer some kind of solace but I realised that he believed the story that he had been given. I remember his speech about how drugs wreck even the best kids and his advice to remember Thomas as the kid he had been and not the junkie he became.
Over the next few months I ran through the Bay City Captain’s report over and over in my head and I always came to the same conclusion. My brother had been a victim and the name of his killer imprinted itself on my mind. Detective Hutchinson – the letters burned their imprint on my soul and I cried out for vengeance but I gave it another name. I called it justice. I found out from Hal that Detective Hutchinson worked out of Parker Center and an hour later after one phone call I had his full name and that of his partner branded in my psyche. Detective Kenneth Hutchinson and Detective David Starsky. I became fixated in my hatred and the feeling consumed me so much that when my father stumbled out in front of a car and was killed instantly it didn’t register with any great impact. Hal was at my side through the funeral and later helped me move my things to a small apartment when the house had to be sold to pay the bank. He asked me to marry him but I refused.
Within a few months of moving into my apartment I was starting to make extra money by stealing drugs from the hospital. I knew I wouldn’t get away with it for long but I just needed enough money to get out of town. I met some people who had connections in Bay City and soon I was on my way to California. I knew drugs were bad but I made a deal with myself that I would make a clean start once I had avenged Thomas’s death. I used the names I had been given and soon I was working as a courier for a hood by the name of Joe Ebsco. A part of my mind told me it was drugs that had killed Thomas but still the name Ken Hutchinson blazed in my head. I was a useful woman to have around. I didn’t use and I helped patch up one of Ebsco’s goons when he had taken a slug from a botched hold up job. Ebsco wanted to reward me for my services and that’s when I told him about the cop who killed my brother.
Ebsco called me into the office he used behind his laundry business a few days later. He told me he had made inquiries about Hutchinson and that he knew a way that I could get even and that he could advance his business plans. It seems Ebsco ran a very profitable drug empire under the guise of a laundry collection and delivery service for hotels. Lately several of his pushers had been arrested in one particular part of town. Detectives Hutchinson and his partner Detective Starsky were the ones responsible for the arrests and Ebsco wanted to get them out of the way. He assured me that all he wanted to do was set them up to make it look like they were on the take. God forgive me but I agreed to help him.
Ebsco set me up in a nice apartment a block down from Kenneth Hutchinson’s place. Ebsco even arranged for me to get a job as a pharmaceuticals sales agent. All I had to do was to get close to either of the partners and then Ebsco would tell me exactly what I had to do. He even suggested a way for me to break the ice with Hutchinson. He handed me a photograph of the detectives. It was a grainy image but for the first time I saw the man who killed my brother and ruined my life. The very next day I reversed my white Nissan into the bumper of his battered LCD just after he had parked the vehicle.
I made my apologies and looked into the eyes of the man whom I had hated for nearly four years. He didn’t look like a murderer. He was kind and dismissed my offer to pay for the damage to his car. In fact he said. ‘My partner would say you probably improved it so there’s no harm done.’ Then we traded names and he asked me to dinner the next night. It was that easy. In fact it was so easy that I became a little jittery about the whole thing. I hade made a deal with the devil and his name was Ebsco so I pushed down my small voice of conscience. Over the next few weeks I got to know Ken and his partner Dave quite well. We double dated and sometimes Dave would just hang out with us by himself. The relationship between the two men was so strong that I sometimes felt as if I was intruding. They introduced me to their friend Huggy Bear the garishly dressed proprietor of a bar where we frequently ate or hung out.
Over the weeks I felt myself drawn to both of these men. It wasn’t just a physical attraction although they were both handsome in very different ways. I was fascinated by them, by their relationship and their work. Ken and I dated but I explained to him that I wasn’t ready for a big physical thing, as I had just come out of a long relationship in which I had been hurt. I can see his eyes as he took my hand gently between his fingers and he’d whispered that he understood and that some things were worth waiting for. Ken is such a handsome man that at times when he kissed me or ran his fingers skilfully over my body that I forgot my vengeance quest but always the image of Thomas would flicker into my mind and I would turn away from Ken. When I did this Ken’s eyes would darken and a sadness would come into them for just a moment before he would he would say in a gentle voice. ‘I understand, Babe’ and then his eyes would light up with an inner knowledge and he’d break the mood by some funny line or little joke. I don’t know what Ken told Dave about our relationship but sometimes I caught Dave looking at me with a mixture of doubt and wonder. These looks were short but intense and were enough to unsettle my mind.
I was playing with fire and I knew that the day of reckoning would come. I was summoned to Ebsco’s office and he told me his plan. He promised me that neither of the detectives would get hurt but that they would be put away for a nice stretch. No feeling of euphoria came over me but somehow I convinced Ebsco that I was delighted and I left. Back in my apartment I threw up. I didn’t love Ken Hutchinson but I realised that I didn’t hate him either. I was due to met Ken at ‘The Pits’ at eight o clock and somehow I forced myself to get ready and I walked into the bar on time. I was greeted by a vividly dressed Huggy who placed a glass of chilled white wine in front of me and then started to talk. ‘Hut-, Ken isn’t here yet but you know that dude is so hung up on saving the world that he probably just had to change out of his Superman costume and got locked in a telephone booth.’ Huggy smiled but then turned serious. ‘You have a very sad face tonight, pretty lady. If there’s one thing that a good bar tender learns it’s to have large ears and a closed mouth, you dig?’ I understood Huggy’s offer but I shook my head. I was well on my way through my second glass of wine when Ken and Dave entered the bar. Ken smiled at me but he seemed distracted and turned his attention to his partner who was just behind him. Then I saw it. Dave’s right eye was swollen shut and the side of his face was streaked with bruises. I suppose my nurse’s instinct took over and I slid from the stool and reached my hand up and turned his face gently towards the dim light. ‘Dave, you need to get this looked at.’ Huggy was with us in an instant but it was Ken whom I really took notice of. He was like an awkward mother bear. Before I realised what was happening Ken had taken Dave by the arm and muttered something to Huggy. Within a minute I found myself ushered up the back stairs of the bar. Ken was supporting most of Dave’s weight as he led the way up to a room above the bar.
The room was set up with a bed, a table and a couple of chairs and a small bathroom lay off it. Ken pushed Dave onto a chair at the table and within a few minutes Huggy joined us with a small metal basin, a couple of folded towels and a first aid box. I tried to help but I realised that Ken wanted to look after Dave. He smiled his thanks at me but quickly turned his attention to his friend. David was making silly jokes and even Huggy joined in the banter. I was superfluous to requirements so I just studied the scene before me. Ken was gentle but efficient as he cleaned David’s cheek and eye. He made a pretty decent job of fixing up the damage but David looked pale and I could see the panic mingled with fear in Ken’s eyes.
Finally I took my courage in my hands and I asked what had happened. David made some joke about not being quick enough on his feet but Ken blurted out. ‘I should have seen that bastard. I got distracted with the kid and his mother and I never saw him coming.’ His eyes were misted over but then I caught the look that passed between the two of them. David with his one open eye and Ken with his barely suppressed maternal instinct. But that one quick glance said it all. It held forgiveness and contrition and some deep emotion that neither Huggy nor I could grasp. Half an hour later Ken led me to my car and promised to phone me tomorrow and in my rear view mirror I saw him heading back into the bar. I knew that I had already been dismissed from his mind and his thoughts were now on getting his stubborn partner home.
Ken phoned me the next morning and that evening I found myself in David’s apartment playing Monopoly with him and Ken. David looked a little less pale but his eye was still swollen shut. I drank wine and the guys drank beer and somewhere in the evening pizza arrived and was consumed. We laughed a lot that evening especially at David’s inability to buy anything but utility companies. The night wore on and the talk changed to things that the duo had seen or done as cops then I asked a question that for a moment silenced the room. ‘Have either or you ever killed anybody?’ I saw them exchange a look, not a quick glance but a deep intense look. Then Ken who seemed to be acting on some information he had received ran his hand through his hair. ‘Yeah, we’ve both killed people but it’s not something that’s easy to talk about.’ Dave held Ken’s eyes as he continued his partner’s thoughts. ‘No matter what the circumstances it doesn’t make it any easier and I suppose if it ever got easier then it would be time to get out.’ Ken picked up the thread of the conversation and carried on. ‘We’re always conscious that the person we’ve killed is somebody’s son, or father or husband or brother. That somebody must have loved that person no matter how evil or messed up they appeared.’ Two pairs of blue eyes locked together and I was excluded again. Ken rose from where he had been sitting leaning against the base of the couch and a few minutes later, after Ken had assured himself that Dave was okay, we left.
The next morning I got the call I was dreading. It was all set up for tonight. I was supposed to call Ken in the afternoon and pretend I was upset at something I had overheard at one of the pharmaceutical companies I visit. I was supposed to meet Ken and Dave and tell them about a fictional drug exchange taking place that evening at eight p.m. then Ebsco said he would make sure of everything else. That was all I had to do. Revenge was almost mine and suddenly I didn’t want it. The terrible burning wish for vengeance died there and then. Thomas had been a victim but he wasn’t Ken’s victim. He had been a victim of drugs and destroying the man who had stopped him wasn’t justice. Ken and Dave didn’t deserve what Ebsco, no what I, was about to do to them.
I panicked and thought of running away but I knew it wasn’t that simple. Ebsco wouldn’t let me escape. I phoned Ken’s number with unsteady hands and my voice trembled as I spoke with him. We arranged to meet in ‘The Pits’. Huggy’s attitude towards me was very solicitous and I realised that Ken must have called him already. Ken and Dave arrived less than five minutes later. I cried as I told them the story that Ebsco had made me learn almost by heart but the tears were genuine. Ken patted my hand and the two of them made plans to set up a ‘reception committee’ as Dave called it. Somehow I assured them that I would be all right alone in my apartment and I left.
Back at my own place I began to shake and I realised the enormity of what I had just done. How would Ebsco set them up? I reached for the phone. I was going to call Ken and tell him the truth but suddenly one of Ebsco’s men was in my apartment and Ebsco entered behind him. I was such a fool. Ebsco had arranged this apartment for me and he obviously had a spare key. Ebsco sneered at me. ‘I don’t want some bitch fucking up my plans, so guess what? I’ve changed them or at least you’re going to convince Hutchinson and Starsky that I have.’ He laughed and I realised how stupid and blind I had been. I was a pawn in some game that he was playing with the partners. Sonny, one of Ebsco’s goons grabbed me and pushed me down on the couch. I could smell his breath against my face and I could feel his hands through the cotton of my blouse as he pushed my shoulders against the back of the couch. Ebsco’s voice broke through the image. ‘You can play later, Sonny, right now I need you to keep the bitch quiet.’ Fear flooded my whole body. My voice came out squeaky. ‘What are you going to do?’ I had to know the truth. He laughed. ‘Well for the next few hours I am going to help myself to your coffee then at seven fifty you are going to phone the cops and ask for an urgent patch through to Hutchinson. When he answers you’re going to tell him that some goons grabbed you from your apartment and are holding you in a warehouse then you’re going to give him the location of a pay phone and tell him he will be contacted there. The good guys will come rushing to the phone booth and that’s where I have set up an ambush. Bye bye my problems and if you’re a very good girl I’ll let you go after Sonny has had some fun with you.’ My stomach heaved and I tried to rise from the couch but Sonny’s hand smacked me across my face and I felt blood ooze from a cut on my lip. The time dragged in the apartment but suddenly I felt Sonny’s arms tighten around my body and he lifted me onto his lap where he held my body so tightly that I could barely breathe. Ebsco picked up the phone and dialled a number then he held the phone against my ear. I heard my voice, shaky trembling ask for an emergency patch through to Detective Ken Hutchinson and within a few moments I heard Hutch’s strained voice on the line. I sobbed into the phone and told him the lies Ebsco had told me to. Ken’s voice was stiff but he reassured me he would be at the booth in twenty minutes. Then the line went dead. Ebsco left the apartment laughing. ‘Sonny, have fun but try not to damage the merchandise too much, it was a bitch of a job trying to get rid of the body of the last whore.’ Then he was gone.
Sonny pushed me to the floor and lay on top of me. He was a heavy guy and I could hardly breathe under his weight. He tore my blouse and one of his hands started pawing at my bra. I gagged and he removed his hand from my breasts long enough to hit me hard across the face. ‘I’m gonna’ be sick.’ He pulled himself off me and snarled ‘Bitch’ as he went to hit me again but I smiled through my tears. ‘Sonny, I like it rough too but I really do feel ill from the slaps, please can I have a moment to wash the blood from my mouth then you and I can take this action to the bed.’ I kept my voice from trembling as I eased my hand from his hold and slid my fingers up against the bulge in his dark trousers. Sonny’s eyes lit up. ‘Okay, you can have two minutes in the bathroom, with the door open but don’t try anything or you’ll regret it, Bitch.’ He eased off me and I stood up and made my way to the bathroom, he was right behind me and pushed the door wide open as I entered. I washed my face with shaking hands and I tried to think of some way to take advantage of the situation. I knew I had to get him to the bedroom but I had to have my hands free if my plan was going to work. I pushed the growing nausea down and sidled up to him. ‘Come on, Big Boy, I like it rough but I’d really like it on the bed.’ I led the way to the bedroom and Sonny followed me almost panting. I pulled my torn shirt off then started to unhook my bra but he was on me in a second and his rough hands tore at my flesh. His mouth came crashing down on my breasts but he was so preoccupied with biting and fondling me that I was able to ease my hand out and slide the drawer of the bedside locker open. My fingers found the small handgun that had been Hal’s parting gift before I left for the big city. I forced myself to groan loudly and between that and the loud grunts that Sonny was making as he reached up under my skirt he never heard me cock the gun. I pushed it against his back and fired.
The sound was louder than I expected then I heard Sonny grunt and he collapsed on top of me. I could feel hot liquid flowing out under my fingers on his back but I pushed him off me and ran to the living room. I don’t really remember the next few minutes but I know I managed to call nine one one and somehow managed to make myself understood. I remember going back into my bedroom and picking up a sweatshirt from the chair. I remember the dreadful sounds that Sonny was making as he tried to breathe and I remember running back to the door and letting the paramedics and the police officers into the apartment.
Somebody handed me a cup of coffee as I sat in a chair in Captain Dobey’s office. The big man sat behind his desk and I had the ludicrous thought of how Dobey and Huggy should exchange names. Dobey seemed to have everything in hand. He had listened to the complete version of my story as he waited for news on his detectives. Then suddenly I heard a commotion from the outer office and then Ken and Dave burst into the room. Ken hunched down beside my chair and took my hand. I could see the disbelief and the hurt in his eyes as he looked at me.
‘You bitch! You set us up and for what?’ David Starsky’s eyes blazed black as he shouted at me.
‘Easy Starsk, let’s hear the whole story.’ Ken had turned away from me and was addressing his partner. Dave sat down heavily into a chair and waited. Ken turned back to me and said. ‘What’s going on?’ I sobbed and he slid his arm round my shoulders. I told them everything and as the story unfolded I watched Ken’s eyes and saw the changing emotions that ran through them.
After I had finished it was Dobey’s voice that broke the silence. ‘Starsky, Hutch, what happened out there?’ I saw the look between the two men and then as if given some silent permission Dave spoke. ‘We were in position waiting for the perps to turn up when Hutch got a patch through. Well I suppose we already know about that so Hutch and me headed over to the phone booth site we’d been given. It was about twenty minutes away from our location. It was quiet when we got there; way too quiet and we knew something was up. I eased the Torino as near the booth as possible and Hutch got out to lift the phone that was ringing. Within a minute he was back out but he didn’t get in the car he just said that some sicko had told him if he wanted to see the girl alive again that we were to leave the car and walk towards an old warehouse on the next block. I didn’t like it but we had no option so I got out of the car and we started walkin’. We tried to keep to the shadows but it was a pretty exposed place.’ Dave stopped talking for a moment and exchanged a glance with Ken who still held my hands in his own then Dave continued on. ‘Just as we got to the door something, maybe instinct, I don’t know, took over. Hutch pushed me hard away from the door just as I pushed him the other way. Well all hell broke loose and there were bullets flying in all directions from the warehouse. We managed to take cover and returned fire. Hutch got one of the guys in the arm and I hit another in the leg but there was a whole lot more of them than us. We were just about out of ammo when we heard the sirens. We got two other shooters arrested but there was no sign of the main man. I guess the cavalry arrived in time.’ Dave looked at me as he finished speaking. His eyes were so intense that I shied away from the look. Ken let go of my hands and stood up from where he had been hunkered down.
‘What will happen, Cap’ain?’ He sat on the arm of Dave’s chair. Dobey cleared his throat. He looked at me. ‘Well you have come clean about the whole business and your call probably saved Starsky and Hutchinson. The D.A has agreed to have you placed in the witness protection programme with the F.B.I. after you testify against Ebsco. You are lucky that Sonny Cantrell is going to make it as that could have complicated matters even more.’ Dobey took in the appearance of his tired detectives. ‘You two go home and get some rest.’ Then he turned his attention to me. ‘An F.B.I. agent is on the way to take you into custody.’ Starsky rose from his chair and headed towards the door but stopped when Dobey called his name. ‘Starsky! Get that leg seen to.’ ‘Yeah, Cap. It’s only some splinters from a packing case.’ For the first time since he entered the room I took a good look at Dave and noticed the right leg of his jeans over his thigh was spotted with dark stains and the material was torn in several places. Ken followed his partner but stopped for a moment when he reached my chair. ‘I need to take care of him but I will see you before you leave.’ Then he was gone.
That’s how the story played out. I am sitting in a room in some ‘safe house’ being guarded by an F.B.I. agent. Tomorrow I start my new life but right now I am waiting to see the man whom I have wronged so badly. The door opens and Dave and Ken walk in. An agent accompanies them. Hutch smiles at me and sits beside me on the couch while Dave leads the other man to the far side of the room. I guess out of earshot. I blink away the tears. I don’t know what to say. I mumble ‘Sorry’ but it is such an inadequate word for what I have done. ‘It’s okay. I understand. I know how I’d feel if I lost someone close to me.’ He looks over at Dave as he says this and for a moment I know he’s taking about loosing his best friend, he turns his attention to me. ‘You’re going to be okay. You’re a strong woman and I hope someday you’ll learn to love again.’ He stands up and very gently lowers his head and kisses me on the cheek. I see the hurt in his eyes and I know I have damaged a good man by my actions. Then Dave is by his side. He looks at me. His eyes are so blue that for a moment I drown in them but then they change and I see the anger. He says very quietly. ‘Good luck with your new life.’ His eyes change again. I am stunned by what I see behind those blue eyes. Pity. I see that he pities me because I have lost the love and respect of Ken Hutchinson and they are the two things that he values most in all the world.