SquidgeWorld Archive

It could have been
by Twilight

Blair stood at the stove, humming softly, stirring a steaming pot of stew. It bubbled around the wooden spoon, spilling over the rim and dribbling down the large stockpot. He grabbed a hand towel, wiping up the mess, inhaling the rich scent of beef, potatoes and carrots.

The timer over the stove buzzed and Blair snagged an oven mitt, bending gingerly to open the clear glass oven door and remove the pan of rolls, carefully placing them on the cooling rack. Dessert was still wrapped in the bakery box, sitting on the center-island and Blair lifted the lid to snag a pinch off the puff pastry and licked his finger clean before going
back to the pot.

Soon shadows snaked across the counter, so Blair flipped the light switch on. The sky was just getting dark and Jim should be up from the basement soon. They had spent the day doing odd jobs around the loft; well Jim did most of the work, fixing a leaking faucet, putting together a new bookshelf and now he was on a mission to clean out the basement.

Blair had finished up the laundry from the camping trip, stowing their gear under the steps in the crawl space, checking to make sure all the supplies were restocked before cleaning his room, trying to get his notes in order for his first class on Monday morning.

And now he was making dinner, a peace offering of sorts for having to leave their mini vacation a day early.

He turned the burner down to allow their meal to simmer, shifting his weight from foot to foot once again, unable to stand still, an uncomfortable weight between his thighs. Ever since the previous days fishing fiasco, he felt uncomfortable - not really pain, more like periodic small twinges.

Blair felt bad, of course and a tiny bit silly. Jim had insisted that he should see a doctor right after the accident and had offered to look Blair over, but he had felt uncomfortable, not wanting Jim to touch him, afraid he would feel that incredible pain again. Just thinking about slipping off that rock and taking a dip in the cold river sent a shiver straight up his spine.

At the time, Jim had thought it was amusing, yanking a sputtering Blair from the water and helping him to the truck, pulling off his hip waiters and fully expecting Blair to drop his pants right there, so Jim could look at the damage.

Blair had just felt sick, literally, his stomach was in a tightly coiled knot and the ride back to the loft that night had been pure hell. He had felt each and every bump and pothole.

Never had he remembered feeling pain like that, not even when John Manning accidentally kicked him in the balls during a seventh grade soccer game.

Jim had kept sneaking glances on the ride home and Blair had to assure his best friend that he probably just pulled a muscle, maybe jammed his hip. Blair could remember the sound of it popping as his leg twisted at an odd angle. He did, after all, nearly do a split in the frigid waters of Highland Park.

And there went a perfectly peaceful weekend. At least it had happened on their last day and they had only ended up leaving a few hours early, despite his best efforts to convince Jim otherwise.

"Hey, Chief? What are you doing?" Jim asked, pulling Blair from his mussing. His roommate was leaning against the dining room table, his arms draped casually across his chest, a slight frown on his face.

Man, didn't even hear him coming in.

"I'm making dinner, Detective," the smirk appeared on its own accord. "Isn't it obvious?" Blair turned back to the simmering pot, dislodging a few vegetables that were starting to stick to the bottom.

Jim moved into the kitchen, rapping Blair lightly on the back of the head as he passed. "I can see that." He pulled a few bowls from the drainer and some spoons from a drawer. "I thought we were going out to that new Korean place."

Blair shifted his feet again; watching as Jim efficiently set the table. "I'm kinda tired. I thought we could just stay in tonight."

"Suit yourself, Chief." Jim poured a couple of glasses of soda and took the basket of fresh rolls Blair handed him, sniffing in appreciation as he placed them in the center of the table. "I guess we can always rent a movie." Jim glanced over his shoulder adding, "Unless you want to make it an early night?"

"Nope, sounds good to me."

~*~

"Mmm. That was great, Chief." Jim pushed back from the table, tossing his napkin aside. He gathered his and Blair's bowls and carried them to the kitchen and dumped them in the sink.

"Thanks, man. Do you want me to help clean up?"

Turning, Jim watched as Blair cleared the rest of the table, noting a fine line of pain between Blair's eyebrows as he leaned forward to pick up the half empty bowl with the leftover stew.

Jim turned around and turned on the faucet, filling the sink with warm sudsy water. "I'll clean up. You cooked - I'll clean."

Nodding, Blair dumped the spoons and glasses in the sink and reached across Jim to pull a red container from the overhead cabinet. He smiled briefly before pouring the stew into the covered dish and putting it in the old white refrigerator.

Jim heard the tiny intake of breath as Blair straightened up and asked, "What's wrong, Blair? Is your hip still bothering you?"

Blair turned around with a slight grimace on his face. He didn't want Jim to start harping on him to go see a doctor. It was only a pulled groin muscle; he could handle the lingering pain. "No, man. I'm good. I think I'm going to go get a shower and then maybe we can see about that movie."

Jim studied Blair for a second, listening to the slight increase of his heart rate. He knew that Blair hated going to the doctors, but it was better than being in pain.

After a few seconds Jim shrugged, turning back to the sink and Blair headed to the bathroom. The Sentinel could hear the water running and wasn't surprised when the shower didn't come on, Blair must have decided to take a bath instead.

The dishes were finished and dried in short order and Jim grabbed his jacket and walked to the bathroom door. "Blair? I'm going to run down to the Blockbuster and see what's new. Got any request?"

He could hear the water sloshing around as Blair shifted in the tub. Probably sitting up. "What ever you pick is fine, man."

"Okay, back in ten."

~*~

Blair ran some more water into the tub, as hot as he could stand it and then dribbled a little lavender from the small glass bottle he kept by his loofasponge, breathing in the calming aroma. He sank gratefully into the steaming water, stretching out his legs in relief.

The water caressed his skin, soothing his aching muscles and he hoped that after his soak, he would feel better. He so did not want to admit to Jim that he still was hurting from his fall.

Jim kept telling him he should just go and have it checked out, but Blair was too embarrassed. He tried some of his natural remedies. He spent the previous afternoon searching the Internet for suggestions, even went to the little shop in Chelsea. The one with the supposed healer and asked for advice. She sold him a tube of, god awful, smelling ointment - it was nasty, even to his own nose. He used it a few times, waiting until Jim left to pick up supplies for today's projects. It did work, taking the achy feeling away, but these twinges, they were making him nuts.

He laughed at that thought. Nuts, that was his real problem. He was having a pain in a certain, well -- area and he just didn't want some doctor feeling him up. But he really couldn't explain that one to Jim.

The front door finally closed and Blair heard the locks engaging, so he sank back down in the warm comfort and closed him eyes, lazily running his washcloth over his chest and arms.

He took his time, figuring that Jim would be at least half an hour. After washing his top half and taking care of his legs, he spent a few minutes gently probing his hip. The soreness was still there, but not too bad, and then he let his cloth drop lower, washing himself clean.

A tiny tendril of pain snaked its way through the left testicle toward his groin. He dropped the cloth and sat up a little, touching himself, rolling the organ between his fingertips. The right one seemed okay, but the left one was tender and he could feel a small lump on the underside.

The water suddenly seemed cold. He quickly got out, knocking over a few bottles in his hurry to dry off, checking again to make sure the lump was still there. "What the hell is it?"

The front door closed and Jim called out to him. "You're going to shrivel up if you don't get out of there soon."

Shaking his head, he realized that now was not the time to panic. It was probably nothing. "I'll be out in a minute." He dressed in loose boxer shorts and an old pair off sweats, pulling his hair back, tying it with a rubber band.

Jim was by the TV when he went into his room to get his laptop. "I got Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Thought I see what all the talk was about."

Blair just nodded, sitting at the table and powered up his computer. He logged on and went to Netscape to search the Internet. He had a few medical sites book marked, just in case something came up with Jim's senses. After a few minutes of searching he found a page called the Testicular Cancer Resource Center.

"Blair?"

Jim was standing a few feet away, his face questioning.

"I uh, I forgot that I have to finish up notes for my Anthro 101 class in the morning. I'll only be a few minutes."

Jim seemed to study him for a second, his eyes narrowing briefly, but he nodded, walking into the kitchen and rummaging through the cabinet muttering about microwave popcorn.

Blair watched him for a beat or two to make sure he was going to be in the kitchen for a while. Once he was sure Jim was busy filling two glasses with cola, and fussing with the microwave, Blair turned his attention back to the page in front of him.

It was just basic information. It was a cancer that struck younger men, usually between fifteen and thirty-five.

That's me, he thought wildly, but cleared his throat and shifted as Jim shot him an odd look.

He probably heard my heart reach lightning speed -- Just calm down, man.

The lump that Blair had found was pretty typical. They're usually around pea-size, but Blair thought his was slightly bigger. Was that good or bad?

God, why haven't I felt that before? How long has it been there?

When they actually are tumors, there are two kinds. One is slower growing, one more aggressive.

That could mean it's not a tumor. It could be a cyst or the resource says that sometimes it could be a trapped pocket of fluid or sperm. Maybe that's why it was bigger? And even if it is a tumor, it's highly treatable.

~*~

"You ready?" Jim asked him after giving him a few more minutes. He didn't know what was going on, but Blair didn't look so hot and his heart was beating like a jackhammer.

His Guide jerked when he walked past, carrying the overflowing bowl and two drinks into the living room.

Nothing else was said, Blair just packed up his laptop and disappeared into his room, so he popped the movie in and fast-forwarded through the previews.

He watched as Blair emerged a few minutes later and sank down into the cushion at the other end of the couch. "You okay?" he asked just as the opening scene began.

Blair nodded, glancing toward the TV. "I'm fine, now pay attention; you have to read the sub titles."

"SUB TITLES? Sandburg, you didn't say anything about sub titles."

Blair's tiny smile faded much too quickly for Jim's liking.

The rest of the evening passed in near silence -- Blair made a few comments about the movie, but mostly stayed quiet. Jim watched the highflying action on the screen, but was mostly interested in his partner's behavior, catching glimpses of his refection in the TV screen.

He seemed subdued, preoccupied. What the hell could have happened in the twenty minutes that he had been at the video store?

Once the end credits rolled Blair was off the couch and heading for the kitchen with the bowl and glasses. He had them washed and in the drain before Jim caught up with him.

"I have Chocolat too, if you're interested. The one you were going on about the other day."

Blair dried his hands before looking at Jim. "The movie with Johnny Depp?"

Blair was shaking his head no even as Jim was confirming his question. "I think I'm going to call it a night. You go ahead. Maybe I can squeeze it in tomorrow before they have to be back."

And before Jim could answer, Blair had entered his room and called goodnight, closing the door.

"Okay, I guess I'll head up too then." Jim told the door, checking the locks and turning off the lights.

He undressed, tossing his jeans and shirt into the hamper inside his closet. Something was up with Blair, but he wasn't going to push it. Blair would tell him when he was ready.

The bedsprings squeaked as he climbed in. It was weird to be in bed this early, but he might as well make the most of it.

~*~

The doctor's office was small and crowded. Blair was surprised and more than a little scared that they wanted to see him right away. He had gotten up before Jim and had left just as his roommate was coming out of the bathroom, claiming that he had some work to do at his office.

He had called the doctor as soon as his office opened and after a few false starts, had explained the problem to the nurse. She had promised the doctor would call, but instead the nurse had called back fifteen minutes later, saying the doctor could squeeze him in at 10:00am. So here he sat, between a kind old woman, who told him all about her family and a young teenage boy who kept sneezing on him.

"Blair Sandburg?" a nice looking, dark skinned woman stood at the open doorway that led to the offices and exam rooms. Blair felt his stomach do a slow roll as he stood and said a distracted good-bye to the old lady as she wished him good luck.

"I'm Melanie," the woman said, indicating that he should follow her. Her dark brown eyes sparkled as she smiled, then she turned to walk down the corridor and into an exam room. "Hop up onto the scale."

Blair followed her instructions, getting weighed and then his blood pressure checked. She flipped through his chart while he sat in the chair, nervously tapping his foot.

"Okay," she announced suddenly, startling him. "Get completely undressed and put on the gown, open in the back. I'll give you a drape sheet to cover with. The doctor will be in shortly." She handed him the needed items and pulled the privacy curtain closed.

He stood for a second, regarding the paper gown in his hands before undressing and folding his clothing, putting them in a neat pile on the chair, stowing his hiking boots underneath. When he was done he climbed onto the exam table and draped the sheet over his legs, shivering a little. Must be his nerves, because the room was anything but cold, in fact he felt
a bit warm.

What seemed like hours passed as he fidgeted on the table, studying the various posters displayed on the room's walls. The inside of the human heart seemed interesting enough and held his attention until a loud knock sounded at the door and the doctor called his name.

"Blair, good to see you again." Dr. Reyes shook his hand and than sat at the small table against the far wall, opening the chart that the nurse had left hanging on the door.

Blair had been seeing this doctor for the last few years, right after he first started working with Jim. He came highly recommended, he took Blair's insurance and Blair felt comfortable with him. He was older, graying hair at the temples and his round face sported a nicely groomed beard.

The older man finally pulled a pen from his pocket and turned toward Blair, the chart resting on his lap. "Let's start with some questions."

"Um, okay." He didn't know why, but he could feel heat rising to his cheeks.

"When did you first notice the mass?" He looked back to the chart and Blair cleared his throat, relaying the story of how he found it while bathing the night before.

"Do you have any pain on that area?" This question was asked without looking up from his writing and it somehow made it easier for Blair to answer. He told him about the accident at the river and that he thought that he pulled a muscle.

"Could it still be something like that?" Blair's voice was hopeful, but when the doctor met his eyes he knew the answer.

"We'll check out all the options, okay Blair?"

A short nod and then the questions resumed. Blair shifted, his backside sticking to the exam bed.

"Have you noticed a change in your urine, is the color the same?"He didn't even bother to vocalize this answer, just sorta shrugged as he shook his head.

"How about your semen, any blood or a different color."

"Umm - no." It seemed like a good time to pick at the drape sheet.

"When you were little do you remember your parent's mentioning an injury or undergoing a procedure on your testis?"

"No. Naomi never mentioned anything about when I was a baby and I don't remember anything."

The chart was closed and the pen went back into the doctor's pocket. He stood up and moved toward the table. "I just want to look into your eyes, just look straight ahead."

The light was bright and Blair squinted a little but did as he was told.

"Now open your mouth." The light gave his mouth the same treatment and a tongue depressor nearly made him gag. "Good. Now I'm just going to feel your neck." The older man's cool fingers pressed around the base of his neck and than moved up under his chin. He even slid them under Blair's gown and felt along both collarbones.

Next the stethoscope was placed into the doctor's ears and he motioned for Blair to sit up straighter, listening to his patient's chest and back, taking his time, and tapping as he went, asking periodically for Blair to take deep breaths. After Dr. Reyes was done, he pulled on a pair of latex gloves and took one of Blair's arms in his own, holding Blair's wrist against his body with his elbow and hip and checked the younger man's armpit with his fingertips, palpating each one deeply.

"Ow." Blair's instinct told him to move away, but he sat as still as he could until the obtrusive fingers were removed and his arm was laid gently in his lap.

"Okay, I need you to lie back now." The pale green drape was rearranged and Blair's paper gown was pulled up over his stomach, the crumpling sound loud in his ears. The doctor took his time examining both sides of his abdomen, pressing around his belly, asking him if anything hurt. It didn't.

Finally it was time to move lower and the sheet was pulled back farther. Nothing was said; the older man just moved his legs where he wanted them, carefully palpating the left and right groin before moving on to the rest of Blair's genitalia.

Blair tried not to squirm, holding his breath and looking at the ceiling of the room, but couldn't help the shudder that passed through him as the doctor went back to his left testis, rolling it firmly between his
fingers.

"Does it hurt?" The question took him by surprise, slicing through the quiet of the last several moments.

"No, not really," he admitted. "It's more like - uncomfortable." That didn't really explain it either, but he couldn't quite put it into words.Blair watched as something was pulled from the doctor's pocket, jumping as he felt it held to his scrotum.

"Just a penlight, Blair." The doctor's tone was brisk, professional. The object was put away and another was pulled out. "I need to measure the mass."

He shifted his rear slightly, still sticking to the damn exam table,just waiting for the whole thing to be over.

"Almost done," the voice soothed this time, patting his knee. "Just a few more things to check."

A drawer out of Blair's line of sight was opened and the doctor returned, a small packet in his hand. "If you relax, it will greatly help. I need to see if I can feel any irregularities of the lymph nodes. I'll have to feel them between my hands, with a finger inside and one hand on your lower abdomen."

Blair's nodded, his hands tightened on the side of the exam table and he tried to relax, blowing out a held in breath. He had a similar exam done before, hadn't all men? But the last one was brief, almost apologetic and this one was taking a whole hell of a lot longer. It wasn't too bad at first, but soon it became painful as the doctor pressed down along his groin and pubic bone again and again.

Towards the end, he bit down on his lip and closed his eyes tight, riding out the pain. He could hear Dr. Reyes encouraging him to relax, telling him he was doing fine and that it was almost over, but my god, it hurt.

Finally the hands were withdrawn and the doctor helped him sit up. "I'm going to give you a few minutes to get dressed and then I'll be back and we can talk."

Blair nodded, feeling very near to tears. The silence of the room roared through his head as the curtain was once again pulled closed. Blair sat still for a few seconds before sliding off the exam table and cleaning himself off the best he could. He dressed and sat carefully on the chair, wondering how he was going to explain why he couldn't sit down to Jim - Jim.

God, what am I going to tell Jim?

A soft knock sounded on the door and Blair looked up as the doctor came back in and sat on the rolling stool. "I'm not going to beat around the bush," he began and all the blood drained from Blair's face. "I felt the lump and nine out of ten are malignant. Yours is mostly solid, when I shined the penlight through it. That leads me to believe there's a good chance that it's malignant and it needs to come out."

"Come out?" Oh God, I have cancer.

"It's called an orchiectomy. A surgeon will remove the testis through the
groin and then do a biopsy."

Blair sat in stunned silence, not sure what to ask, what was he suppose to say?

"They remove the whole testis because it's safer that way, but you can have a prosthetic put in at the same time. It will look and feel almost the same. You have two testes but one can do the job once one is removed, but we suggest you bank your sperm. I'm going to refer you to an urologist. She comes highly recommended. Your appointment is day after tomorrow. Do you have any questions?"

"Um, no." What was there left to ask? I have cancer.

"I'm going to order some tests. I'm sending you for blood work and tomorrow we want to do a CT scan. Can you come in around noon?"

"Yeah, I guess." He had a few classes and office hours. Man, where did he even start? He needed to talk to his advisor, get a few days off until he had a better timeline.

~*~

Jim was sitting at his desk typing when he realized Blair had entered the building. He hadn't expected him to come to the precinct today. Blair had told him that he had four classes and then a staff meeting.

The elevator dinged and the doors slide open, Jim looked expectantly down the hall. Blair walked with his head down, not making eye contact with anyone on his way toward the bullpen.

The fine hairs on Jim's arm stood up. Something was very wrong. He was halfway to the door before he realized it and Blair looked up in surprise at him as he crossed the threshold. "Hey, man." He tried out a smile, but it seemed sad to Jim and it didn't reach his friend's eyes.

"What's wrong?"

The smile dropped from his Guide's face and Blair inclined his head toward Simon's empty office. "Let's talk in private."

Jim nodded, following Blair, watching as he dropped into the chair in front of his boss's desk. Jim carefully shut the door, leaning against it, waiting for whatever it was that Blair had to tell him. Whatever it was, he knew that it wasn't good, just by Blair's posture; how his shoulders hung forward and he smelt off - he smelt like -

"Blair, did you go see the doctor today?" If it were even possible, it seemed as if his friend made himself even smaller sitting in that chair.

Jim moved forward and sat beside him. Blair nodded, but didn't offer any more information.

"You're scaring me here buddy. Do you want me to call Naomi?" That got his attention. Blair sat up straight, shaking his head.

"No, I don't want her to worry. Not until I know for sure." He stood then and went to the window, looking out over the city. Jim wanted to scream 'Know what?' but he was determined to let Blair go at his own pace.

Finally Blair said, "I found a lump. The doctor thinks its cancer. I'm going to see an Oncologist and I'll have to have it removed." The short speech must have winded him, because he sank back into the seat next to Jim.

What am I suppose to say to all this?

"What? When?" Oh, that was real clear. But it must have given his friend something to focus on, because he gave Jim a rundown of the events and what was coming up over the next couple of days.

"Dr. Reyes thinks that the surgery will be the day after the appointment. They move pretty fast with these sorts of things. Depending on what kind it is, I might need more surgery to remove lymph nodes and that will determine if I have to have chemo or radiology."

Jim looked toward the bullpen, "Simon's coming."

"I don't want to tell him yet."

"What? Why?" the surprise was clear in Jim's voice.

"I talked with my advisor this afternoon," Blair explained. "We agreed that I would continue to work if I felt I could. If Simon finds out, he'll pull me - "

"What the hell is going on in here?" Simon Banks' voice boomed. "Last I checked the sign on the door said Captain's Office."

Blair ducked out before Jim could say another word. A weird look crossed his captain's face, but Jim just shrugged and headed after his partner.

He found him in the hall, waiting for the elevator. "Blair, you know that Simon would support you."

Blair was shaking his head. "I don't know, Jim. If the brass finds out, you know they will pull my credentials and I need to be here for you."

They both stepped onto the empty elevator, silent as it descended to the garage.

Jim broke the silence just as the lift door parted. "Okay, let's just wait and see what happens."

~*~

The room was cool, for the machine he supposed. The tech was instructing him to lie on the narrow table. She was quick, efficient and it put Blair's nerves on edge.

"Have you ever had a CT done before?" She was busy covering him with a thin sheet and he was thankful for what little warmth he could get. It seemed like ages since he had been warm.

"Yeah, I had one done on my head a while ago."

"This one will be a little different, you'll go in feet first." Once she had the sheets where she wanted them, she studied a few notes in his chart. "I'm going to start to move you in, just relax."

The bed moved forward, drawing his legs into the tunnel. Once he was in up to his stomach, she pulled down on a hand bar. "I need you to reach up and hold onto the bar. I'll be stepping out in a second. If you need me, just call."

Blair reached up and held the bar, wondering why he had to. It wasn't too bad, since his shoulder blades stayed on the bed, but he was betting his arms were going to get tired.

"The bar helps to stretch your body out into the right position for the pictures." Her voice cracked over the speaker and Blair realized she had moved into the viewing room.

"Okay, I'm starting, it should only take a few minutes." The machine whirled to life, the rings at the opening spinning in circles around his hips.

"Make sure you keep your head back, sir."

Blair laid his head back onto the table, focusing at the ceiling tiles. It was so hard to believe this was happening. I could die. This thing could kill him and he wasn't ready. He hadn't finished his doctorate and what about Jim? Who was going to guide Jim?

The machine sorta sputtered before stopping and Blair tried to see over his shoulder, hearing the door to the observation room open. The tech's face gave no indication as to what she saw and he didn't think she would tell him anything even if he did ask.

The bed backed slowly out, so he let go of the bar.

"You can get dressed and than see Janie at the desk."

Blair padded in sock covered feet to the changing room, once dressed he waited in front of the large reception desk at the end of the hall.

"May I help you, sir?"

"I'm here to see Janie. Blair Sandburg." He watched as she picked up the clipboard by her computer, locating his name and highlighting it with a yellow marker.

"May I see your insurance card, please?" Blair retrieved his wallet, pulling out the card and handed it to her. She typed in some information and then handed it back.

"Just have a seat, sir. Janie will be out to get you."

Blair sank into the nearest chair. He was really tired, hadn't been able to sleep much the night before. He leaned his head back, closing his eyes briefly.

"Mr. Sandburg?" A slender women, maybe in her early fifties stood in front of him, smiling down at him.

Blair rubbed his eyes and straightened up in his seat. "Sorry, must have dozed off."

"Don't be sorry," she said, sitting down next to him. "My name is Janie."

Blair shook the hand she offered, standing up with her as she rose from her seat.

"Let's go back to my office and I can explain what it is that I do."

They moved down the hall together and she stood aside so he could enter her office first. Blair looked around, noticing the wall full of photos, some framed, and some thumbed tacked, then sat in one of the chairs in front of her desk.

"Those are a few of the people I've helped," she explained, sitting next to him instead of behind the desk. "I have some material for you. I hope you find it helpful."

He reached out and took the manila envelope, turning it over in his hands before sitting it on his lap. "Thank you."

"I'm here to answer any questions that you might have, to explain the procedure or give you an idea of what to expect." She stood and moved around the desk, opening a drawer.

"Dr. Stokes will do a brief exam in the morning after she looks at your CT results." She perched on the end of her desk, a small box in her hands.

"Brief?" Blair didn't want to sound whiny, but he thought the exam Dr. Reyes gave him had been very thorough.

"Yes, she has already reviewed your files and agrees with Dr. Reyes." Blair deflated at the words, realizing that he was holding out some small hope that there was some sort of mistake, that it was a misdiagnosis.

"We have you on the surgery schedule for 9:00 am, day after tomorrow. You should arrive by 6:30." She returned to the chair, holding the box in her lap.

"Okay, I'm sure Jim can drive me." Blair looked toward the box, wondering what was inside.

She opened it up and pulled out a tiny pouch. "I know that Dr. Reyes talked briefly about a prosthetic." She handed the item to Blair and he reluctantly took it. "I've included some information in your packet, but I wanted you to be able to see how one looks and feels."

Blair felt weird holding it in his hand, almost afraid of it. After only a few seconds he handed it back.

She smiled kindly at him and placed it back into the box, sitting it on her desk.

"We talked about banking your sperm over the phone this morning, if you're ready, I'll show you to the lab." She stood and Blair followed, making sure he picked up his envelope.

They walked through another maze of corridors before stepping into an elevator at the end. "Once you're done," she said. "You're free to go."

They stepped off and walked toward the left. Janie talked softly to a man in a white lab coat behind a glass enclosure, who seemed to be directing them toward another section of the department.

Janie nodded, telling Blair to follow her, but Blair noticed the man handing her something.

"I'm going to leave you here." She announced, opening a door and flipping a light switch. She handed him an odd shaped rubber item, wrapped in plastic and Blair blushed when he realized what it was.

"Once you've opened the collection container, make sure you only handle the outside," she warned. "Take your time and when you're done, put the cap on and place it in the metal box in the bathroom."

Blair nodded, not trusting his voice. She left him a moment later and he stood, looking around the room. It was small, but comfortable. A reclining chair sat in one corner and a stereo with several CD were within easy reach.

He sighed and turned on the radio, glad when a soothing arrangement emerged from the speakers.

God, can I really do this here?

The outside package had instructions and he had to put on his glasses to see the tiny print. The container was long, made out of some sort of soft rubber and it said that all he had to do was slip it over his penis, grip the out rubber shell, stimulate and ejaculate, slip it off and cap it.

Sure, no problem.

He wasn't sure how long he sat there, but finally he decided he had to do it. This might be his only chance of having children and it wasn't like he had never jerked off before.

He ripped off the outside wrap and tossed it into the trash, wondering how he was actually going to do this. It wasn't like he was actually feeling very sexy at the moment.

Man, get a grip.

Snickering at his own reprimand, he unbuckled his belt and stepped out of his jeans, sitting in the chair and lowering his boxers in the front.

Just follow the instructions; just follow the instructions; just follow the instructions. I can do this. He told himself over and over.

~*~

The early morning ride to the hospital was cold and quiet, the sky was still dark, but the sun was just starting to break through the horizon.

Jim tried to start several conversations, but Blair just wasn't in a chatty mode. The heat in the truck was on full blast, but Blair was still shivering and he knew it was just his nerves. The whole thing was surreal, he could see the whole thing playing out in his head, but it wasn't him - it couldn't be him.

Jim parked in the admitting parking lot and they walked slowly toward the door and up to the front desk. The clerk waiting was far too cheery for the early hour.

"Your name?" she asked.

"Blair Sandburg. I'm here to see Dr. Stokes."

And have a body part removed.

She smiled up at him, probably knowing that very fact. "Just have a seat and they'll call you back in a few minutes."

He and Jim sat down and Blair began filling in the form on the clipboard she had handed him. He was just finishing up when his name was called.

Jim stood too, giving the tech a strange pleading look before settling his gaze back on Blair. "Um, you can come too, Sir. We are just taking him to the surgical prep area; sometimes it helps to have a familiar face. There's a closer waiting room too."

"Chief?"

Blair nodded, relieved, and both followed the man through a series of locked doors.

They entered a room with changing stalls and lockers. "I need you to get completely undressed." The tech handed Blair a plastic bag. "You'll want to put everything in the locker and lock it. Your friend can hold the key. You can lock up your jewelry too or just give it to him to hold."

Blair slipped into the stall and stripped out of all his clothes. His hand reached down, running along the underside of his testis, feeling the lump one more time. He knew that he must have done this a hundred times over the past couple of days. It was so tiny and yet it could kill him.

He wondered what it would be like after they removed it. He had talked in detail to Dr. Stokes the day before about his options and decided against the implant. It was just a small pouch of saline, but it was still foreign, no different than the intruder already invading his body.

"Everything okay in there?" Jim. He must be taking too long.

He finished placing everything in the bag as instructed. The gowns were thicker than the ones at the doctor's office, so hopefully he wouldn't freeze. He tied one in the back and used the other as a robe.

He took off his earrings and bracelet and held them in his hand, deciding that he would ask Jim to hold them for him. Once he stepped out, the tech took the bag and placed his belongings in the locker, handing the key to Jim. He also pulled out a box and gave Blair a pair of gray socks.

"Sit down and put these on, they'll keep your feet warm and they have rough bottoms so you won't slip." Sure enough, the bootie socks had some kind of a textured surface on the bottom. He got a pair like them for Christmas one year from Naomi; only they were yellow with big smiley faces on them.

They were both led across the hall and Blair was told to get into the narrow bed before they were left alone.

Jim sat beside him, on a hard plastic chair.

"Jim? Would you hang onto this stuff for me?" Blair opened his hand and Jim reached for the two shiny hoops and rope chain.

"Sure buddy."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Jim on the chair and Blair in the bed, his arms around his knees and his head resting on his arms.

The silence was broken when a red- haired nursed tapped on the door.

"Good morning. I'm Brigitte and I'm going to be with you throughout the day." She moved closer and shook Blair's hand and then Jim's.

"I'm going to start an IV and then after the doctor has come in, will give you something to help you relax. I'll have to ask you, sir, to move to the waiting room at that point," she told Jim. "We'll need to finish prepping him."

She put the needle in with minimal fuss and prepared a shot and sat it on a tray close to the bed.

Dr. Stokes came in a few minutes later to answer any last minute questions. She had her long blonde hair pulled into a tight bun at the base of her neck this morning. Blair almost didn't recognize her with her scrubs on.

All too soon it was time for Jim to go to the waiting room. The nurse had injected the medicine into Blair's line and he had a sorta floating feeling. She worked around the bottom of his bed and Blair knew that she had shaved some hair off and put in a catheter, but it didn't matter, nothing mattered.

He closed his eyes, not caring that she was touching him.

He drifted for a while, listening to the sounds around him. They came for him and between the orderly and nurse they managed to get him onto the gurney. The trip down the hall seemed long and drafty. The sheet blew up as they turned a corner and Blair could feel gooseflesh rise on his legs and arms.

Once in the OR he was arranged on the operating table on his side and a new voice introduced himself to him. "Mr. Sandburg, I'm Dr. Bennett. I'm going to start the epidural. Just stay as still as you can."

He was forced into a smaller ball, the fetal position and his back was swabbed with a cold cloth. He jumped despite himself.

"Relax, just a little burning." It did burn and his whole body broke out in a sweat. But soon his legs felt numb, heavy, and he could tell the one on the top was slipping, but he couldn't stop it. The doctor applied a liberal amount of tape to hold the tubing in place and he was turned easily onto his back.

Now he was cold. So cold that he was shivering, almost uncontrollably.

"It's normal to be cold after an epi. It'll pass after a few minutes."

Blair wasn't sure who said it, but he nodded, eyes at half-mast, feeling really tired.

His body was pulled down the table and they put his legs in a pair of strange thigh high socks. He wanted to ask why, but his tongue didn't want to cooperate. Once he had those on, they attached leg supports to the bottom of the bed and pulled his legs out and away from him, strapping them down and covering them with thick green sterile sheets.

One more sheet was placed over Blair's torso, leaving only the area to be operated on exposed. They also strapped both arms to boards, holding them out at his sides. A blood pressure cuff and pulse ox was attached to the arm without the IV and the guy who did the epidural sat at a stool by Blair's head, affixing an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth.

"Breathe deep, relax."

The nurse stood beside him, gently rubbing a soothing pattern on his arm.

The doctor arrived and addressed her staff.

Blair had his eyes closed, mesmerized by the feeling of the nurses gentle touch. He was almost startled when it stopped and snapped his eyes open.

"Hi, Blair. We're going to get started in just a second." Dr. Stokes stood over him, a sympathetic smile reflecting in her light blue eyes.

He nodded his understanding, his eyes wandering to the nurse in a quiet plea. She must have understood, because as soon as the doctor moved, she stepped back to his side and resumed the gentle rubbing.

Blair was unable to resist the alluring pull and gave into the peaceful blackness.

~*~

Jim sat by Blair's bed, staring out the window. The sky was overcast, and the rain had just begun.

Blair had only been in his room for a little over an hour. The doctor dropped by a while ago to talk to Jim, to tell him that she thought she had gotten the whole thing. The tumor looked intact. That it was a good sign and that it would be a few hours before they got back the test results, she was fairly sure it was malignant.

She told him that the surgery went smoothly and that they would probably release Blair in the morning, once all his digestive system was back online.

Jim's eyes went back to the bed. A tiny sound announced Blair's return to the waking world. He moved closer and rested his hand on Blair's right arm.

"Ohhh--" Blair licked his lips, dark eyelashes fluttered against pale cheeks.

"You awake buddy? You want a drink?" Jim moved over to the tray table and filed the cup with one of the juices that the nurse had left. "Here, take a drink."

Blair swallowed with a grimace and then looked around with hooded eyes. "Hurts."

"I know. The doc said you could have a pain shot when you wake up." Jim reached up and pushed the call button. "I'll get the nurse."

Blair moaned again. Agonizing seconds passed, in which Jim did not know what to do, afraid that his touch might not be welcomed. He awkwardly patted his Guide's arm, relieved when Blair reached for his hand and squeezed tightly, then the nurse came.

"Ah, I see you're awake, Blair." She checked all his monitors before continuing, "we have to get you up and moving."

"It hurts," Blair whispered. "I have to go to the bathroom."

"Okay, let's give you a little more pain meds and then I'll help you up."

Jim was expecting her to inject into the IV line, but instead, she swabbed his hip and injected him there. After a minute or two, the fine line of pain eased from Blair's mouth and brow.

"Ready?" she asked and looked to Jim for assistance.

He jumped up and watched helplessly as she sat Blair up. He seemed okay until Jim took an arm and the nurse took another. He cried out as soon as his feet hit the floor and he put his weight on them. Jim supported as much of Blair's weight as possible on the way to the bathroom.

Blair insisted that Jim waited outside as the nurse took him in. By the time they made it back to the bed, Blair was sweating buckets. She tucked him back in and he had slipped into a restless sleep by the time Jim sat back down.

~*~

Blair drifted in and out the rest of the day, only waking when the nurses came in to poke at him. The sun was setting in bright, brilliant shades of orange and yellow and dark shadows were covering the crisp cotton blankets of Blair's bed by the time he felt like he could keep his eyes open more than a few minutes.

Jim was gone and the room was quiet. The only noise was coming from the partly open door and the hallway beyond.

Blair shifted his hips, hoping to maneuver to his side and immediately regretted his action, sucking in a deep breath to stifle the cry of pain. His hand explored down, feeling only the thick tape and gauze.

The door opened a crack and Blair startled, pulling his hand out like he had been burned, sure that his face was at least ten shades of red.

"Hey, buddy. I see you're finally awake." Jim was carrying a tray, laden with tin foil wrapped items.

Blair nodded, pulling the hand from under the blanket and placing it on top.

"I thought you might be hungry." Jim approached the bed, a little unsure, gesturing toward the tray. "I didn't know what you might be in the mood for, but the doctor said you could have whatever you wanted."

He sat everything down on the tray table and began to unload his bounty, explaining what he had to offer as he adjusted the bed.

Blair's head began to rise slowly taking some of the pressure off his hips. It seemed that Jim knew just when to stop.

"So, what will it be? We have chicken soup, turkey on whole wheat, chicken salad -"

"Jim?" Blair felt the need to interrupt. He really wasn't hungry and Jim was still pulling things off the tray.

"Yeah Blair?"

The look that Jim gave him, he had never seen it before -- a mix between worry and something else. "Umm, how about I'll try the soup and see how that goes."

So Jim pulled off the lid and took great care in opening the plastic spoon and napkin, asking if he wanted salt or pepper from the little packets included.

"Na, this is fine." He blew on the spoon, surprised that his meal was actually hot. Jim sat watching him and Blair squirmed under his gaze. "Aren't you going to eat?"

Jim seemed to consider it, looking over the selection before picking out a sandwich. The whole thing was a bit awkward - off.

"How about some TV?" Blair suggested. "Maybe there's a game on."Jim searched for the remote, flipping through the channels before finding a hockey game. The room was silent again, except for the sounds from the TV.

~*~

Late that night the doctor came to check up on her patient. Blair fell asleep during the third quarter of the hockey game, his soup barely touched.

Jim nodded a greeting and watched as the doctor approached his friend. "Did he eat?"

"Just a little soup and I managed to get a little red Jell-O in him. He's been sleeping most of the day."

She smiled as she pulled back Blair's blanket and gently felt his stomach. "The nurse said he got up to use the bathroom a few times, that's good."

She shifted his gown up a little and Jim glanced the other way, trying not to imagine what she was doing. Blair groaned a little in his sleep, but she finished quickly and righted his blankets and sheet.

Jim was starting to feel a little lightheaded himself, rubbing at his temple as Dr. Stokes finished her exam.

"He's doing great. I'm going to release him tomorrow afternoon. I want to see how he does with breakfast." She turned to look at Jim, her expression more serious. "We got back the results of the biopsy."

Jim stood up, a little too fast, swaying, but recovered quickly. "What, what is it?"

"It's what I suspected, the lump is malignant." Jim swayed again, feeling the need to sit down. "The pathology report takes about a week. We'll be about to talk about the next steps once I get the report back."

Jim did sit down then, dropping his head into his hands. "A whole week?"

"Yes, I'll be able to tell which kind it is then. I've already discussed this with Blair; he knows what to expect, Jim." She patted his shoulder as she made her way to the door. "Try to get some rest tonight; tomorrow he's going to need you."

~*~

"So in a week you'll be able to tell me if I'm going to need chemo or radiation?" He heard what she said and thought that he was taking it well, but the waves of pain radiating from his groin and hip kept drowning out Dr. Stokes' words.

Jim's tense face kept swimming in and out of his field of vision and he knew that he was sweating. God, was he going to pass out?

"Worst-case scenario, Blair. We're talking about more surgery to remove lymph nodes and Chemo. But you caught it early. The lump was small."

"What's the best case scenario?" Leave it to Jim, God bless him. Blair wasn't really sure he wanted to know, although he knew that he and the doctor had discussed it at one point, it was all a jumble in his head now.

"I would still want Blair to do at least fifteen rounds of radiation."Jim seemed like he was going to ask more, but then he looked at Blair and closed his mouth.

After a few deeps breaths, Blair asked, "When can I go home?"

"Hopefully in a few hours. I want you to eat and get up and move around a little first. Use the bathroom a few times."

Blair nodded, watching as Dr. Stokes finished up and left. Jim stood by the door, just looking at Blair.

"You can go home ya know. I'll call when they spring me."

It seemed like he was going to argue just for a second, but then he nodded, gathering up his coat. "I gotta run by the store and stock up on some groceries anyway."

"'kay. I'll call you later."

Jim waved and Blair waited until he was sure until the Sentinel was down the elevator and out of the building and halfway home before he turned over on his side and let the tears fall.

~*~

The next week must have been the slowest one ever, at least for Jim.

He brought Blair home and settled him on the couch and they went about pretending like nothing had happened.

Jim made dinner all that week and Blair helped out where he could.

Each day the pain seemed to be more bearable and Blair would work on his laptop, doing research or grading papers for one of his classes.

Jim went into the station and made excuses, saying that Blair was bogged down at the U. Simon seemed a little suspicious, but he didn't really question Jim.

Then the phone call came. Jim was sitting on the couch, watching the news and Blair was sitting on the love seat, working in his journal.

Jim wasn't sure how they knew it was the doctor's office, but they just did.

By the third ring, Blair had picked it up and glanced at Jim. Not sure if he would want privacy or not, Jim nodded and went back to watching the TV.

Jim tried hard not to listen to the phone conversation, the sound of his guide’s voice or the hammering of his friend heart - but Jim couldn't help it. They wanted him at the office in thirty minutes.

"I'll drive you." Jim was up and grabbing his keys before Blair even hung up the phone.

Oops, busted.

Blair smiled a tiny smile and shook his head, "You don't have to, man."

"You can't drive and besides, I want to." Jim handed Blair his coat and walked behind him as he slowly made his way to the elevator.

~*~

"So it will be radiation, with the weekends off. We'll do follow ups with CT scans, but I'm confident that the tumor hasn't spread." Dr. Stokes sat behind her large oak desk, her petite hands resting together on top.

"When do I have to start?" Blair asked his voice strong. He was determined that he was not going to fall apart again, especially not in front of Jim.

"As soon as possible," she smiled. "No time like the present."

Blair nodded, standing to shake her hand. Over all it could have been worse. Hopefully in three weeks he would be done with this whole mess. Jim followed suit and soon they were both in the elevator. "Fifteen doesn't sound too bad, chief."

"I'm going to be fine, you know," Blair said, pushing the button that would take them to the Oncology ward.

"I know," and Jim's answer was the affirmation he was looking for.

~*~

Jim waited, and waited. Blair had been gone for hours and this wasn't even an official treatment. Today they were going to measure so they would have the exact alignment for his first treatment tomorrow. They would have to actually make small tattoos on his pelvis so that the same spot would be exposed each time.

The small waiting room was overcrowded and the magazines were way out of date. The noise level was a few notches too high, due in large to a few children playing with games and toys provided by the hospital.

The back door swung open and Blair emerged. Jim jumped to his feet, hurrying over, ready to blow this joint. He stopped in his tracks when Blair looked up at him, his eyes showing his exhaustion.

"Hey, buddy. Ready to head home?"

Blair nodded, pushing his way though a small group of people waiting by the doorway.

The ride home seemed strained, but Jim didn't want to push a conversation. Once inside Jim started dinner, watching as Blair gathered his things for a shower. "Dinner will be ready in about thirty minutes," he called as Blair disappeared into the bathroom.

What can I do for you, Chief? Just tell me what you need me to do.

~*~

"Mr. Sandburg?" a tech called his name. Blair looked up from his book and waved his hand. "You can come with me, sir."

Blair followed him into a room where he was handed a hospital gown. "Change and I'll be back to get you in a few minutes."

They moved to a larger room that held the machine that was showed to him the day before. They explained how it would shoot the radiation into his body, presumably killing any malignant cells that might have escaped the tumor.

"I need you to lie back on the table and relax." The whole procedure had been explained in detail the day before. He moved around Blair, sliding him down and positioning him below the machine. Lead shields were laid across his chest and torso and his upper body was covered with a blanket.

Next the tech slid a cylinder device between his legs, being careful of his incision and healing sensitive parts. It was made to his measurements the day earlier and was designed to protect his remaining testis from the radiation, although he did have the banked sperm.

"You need to remain very still," he warned, and then left the room.

Blair couldn't help but shiver. His legs remained exposed to the cold room and he thought that he would have to remember to ask if he could have a blanket tomorrow.

The machine moved over him, humming in a high-pitched whine as it passed. It moved in closer and then pulled back before moving in again. Minutes passed and the tech came back in to reposition him and the whole process started again. Soon it was time to be moved again and the tech commented that this was the last position change for today.

Finally it was over and everything was removed and placed in a box with Blair's name on it.

"I'll see you tomorrow," the tech said, leading him back to the room to change.

"Yeah, tomorrow."

~*~

Blair hadn't let Jim drive him to the treatments and Jim wasn't sure how he felt about that.

His Guide reasoned that for three weeks he would be going back and forth and then hopefully he would be going into the university or the station to get a little work done.

Really, Jim supposed, Blair needed to feel independent. So Jim was going to be there for him, if he needed him to be and give him his space.

So far--so good. Eight treatments down and all seemed right with the world.

Blair was meeting him for lunch and than they were going to work on some back log of files. Nothing major. Blair had already stopped by a few times and no one seemed to notice anything different, but then, why would they.

His partner's tired voice got his attention and he turned to see him talking to Rafe in the hall. He was smiling, but his eyes seemed dull.

"Hey, Jim. What's on tap for today?" Blair sank bonelessly into the chair by his desk.

"Lunch first, and then we'll see." Jim was already up and getting his coat, but turned at the angry words.

"What the hell is that suppose to mean." Jim looked at his friend, not sure how to answer the outburst.

"It means, let's go get some lunch and then we'll see if you feel like doing anything." Jim made a point to look around at the people staring in their direction.

Blair looked too, suddenly deflated, "Fine, whatever."

~*~

God, this sucked.

Blair rolled over onto his side, clutching his stomach. The sheets of his bed were rumpled from all the tossing and turning.

He had been sick for the last two days, coming home after his treatment instead of going to the U or the station.

Shit. He jumped up and sprinted for the bathroom, but missed the bowl by a mile. How am I gonna make it five more days?

The front door opened and Blair had just enough time to slam the bathroom door shut with his foot. Nothing like your roommate walking in on ya while you're laying around in your own vomit.

"Blair?"

Shit.

"Are you okay?"

Peachy. "Yeah."

No sooner than he said it, his stomach decided to revolt again and he lunged for the toilet bowl, but hardly anything came up. No surprise since he had given up on eating.

"I'm calling Dr. Stokes."

Once Blair's stomach was back where it belonged, Jim's comment registered. He stood up on shaky legs and flushed the toilet, washing his face and rinsing his mouth before cleaning up the mess on the floor.

He walked slowly into the kitchen, holding onto the walls for support to find his friend on the phone, apparently on hold. "Don't bother, man. I already did."

Blair stumbled a little farther, dropping unto the couch, pulling the afghan off the back and wrapping it around him. God, he was so cold.

Jim hung up and waited for Blair to expound on this revelation, but when Blair didn't he just asked, "What?"

"I said I talked to her, she gave me a sup - she gave me something for the nausea." Blair was shivering so much now, his teeth were chattering, but that was good, because it meant that it would soon be over, at least for today.

"Then why aren't you taking it?" The question seemed simple enough.

"Because."

"Because." Jim was clearly angry, Blair knew. But he was too tired to explain this, his body was already flooded with toxins, he wasn't about to stick something else up his -- and besides, he was just too tired and cold to care.

"Yes, Jim. Because." Blair got up, tripping on the blanket. He ignored the grab Jim made to catch him and continued toward his room. "I'm going to lay down now."

"Blair, wait." Jim seemed lost somehow. Blair stopped, but didn't turn around.

"I'm sorry, Jim. I'm just tired, man."

"You want dinner?" Jim's voice was hopeful, an apology of sorts.

"Nah, man. Thanks anyway." Then Blair shuffled the rest of the way into his room, lying down carefully on his bed.

Five more days, he could make it five more days.

~*~

Blair's last treatment went off without a hitch and the nausea that had plagued him for the last several days seemed to ease up once Jim had purchased a tea from the specialty shop in Chelsea that his friend was always raving about.

Jim was pleased that Blair asked him to drive him in today and now they where waiting outside in the reception area. Blair had his post op appointment with Dr. Stokes scheduled.

A CT scan was done first and Blair was examined, while Jim paced the same over crowded waiting room. Blair emerged an hour later and they were led to a more private room across from her office.

They were both quiet, but Blair seemed a bit nervous, bouncing his leg in anticipation.

Jim wanted to ask him how he thought the exam went, but the door across the hall opened and Blair's doctor invited them in.

Jim had only seen her the day of the operation and she looked a lot more approachable today, softer somehow. Her hair hung loose around her shoulders and she wore a flowing, flowery dress under her white lab coat.

Once they were all seated she smiled from behind her desk and opened Blair's chart. "Everything looks good."

Jim watched from the corner of his eye as Blair relaxed, the tightly coiled muscles along his back and shoulders sinking back into his chair.

"The CT is clear. I'm confident that we got all the cancer."

"Now what?" Blair's voice was shaking with relief.

"Well, I'll have you schedule an appointment for a six-month follow up. We'll do a CT scan and blood work every six months for the first two years and than every year after that for the next three. At the five year mark we'll officially declare you cancer free."

"Five years?" The anxiety was back.

"That seems like a long time, but I want to assure you that I'm confident that we got it all." She sat back, relaxing, examining the chart. "You're a little anemic, so I want you to start to take an iron supplement, and a multi vitamin won't hurt until you get your appetite back."

"I can do that." Blair nodded, determined and Jim smiled.

"Good, well then, that's it, Blair. I'll see you in six months."

~*~

Just like that, it was over. Could that be right, would it ever really be over? Blair didn't want to think about how he would be feeling six months from now and he would have to go back for a follow up visit.

Shivering, he stripped out of his clothes, testing the spray from the shower before stepping in. The bathroom was already steaming up and the water was pleasantly warm, but he just couldn't seem to shake this chill.

Jim was springing for take out, a celebration, Blair supposed. Although Jim hadn't said that, just that he was in the mood for Korean. So he dropped Blair off and went to get it.

The pulsating water streamed down his back and neck, taking some pent up tension with it. He took his time, enjoying the heat and the feeling of the bath gel as it washed him clean.

The ride home, he reflected, had been almost normal, more relaxed than it had been in the last month. Blair really couldn't explain the tension. He wanted Jim, needed him to be there for him, but at the same time, wanted him to keep his distance, too.

Stretching his neck forward, he allowed gravity to remove the shampoo suds from his hair. The water started to turn cool, only one more thing to do.

This was the part he hated most; he still had a hard time taking care of this part of his hygiene.

His washcloth slid downward and Blair washed himself carefully, surprised when he didn't feel any pain. It felt strange, different, sorta flat. The remaining one testicle was rolled carefully between his fingertips and he wondered if he would ever stop worrying about finding another tumor, hoping it wouldn't become an obsession.

With a deep sigh, he finished rinsing off and turned off the water, snagging a towel for his hair he climbed out, toweling off as he made his way to his room to dress.

He had a cup of tea and was resting on the couch by the time Jim made it home, arms laden with take-out bags.

The younger man started to get up to help but Jim held up a hand. "Just stay right there, Chief." A plate full of food and the first beer he had in a month was placed in front him, "Thanks, man."

Jim joined him after popping the tape into the VCR, sitting closer than he normally would.

"This smells great, thanks Jim." Blair dug in, scooping a generous portion into his mouth with his chopsticks.

Jim took a swing from his beer, pressing the play button on the remote control and Blair laughed, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, "Is that-"

"Yup. I thought since you didn't get to really see it the first time around." Jim shrugged, poking at his pork with a chopstick.

"But you said you hate sub titles?" Blair said, looking back to the screen as the dark figures defied the laws of gravity and jumped from roof to roof.

"Yeah, but I love Chocolat." Jim smirked, holding up the other tape case.

This time the smile did reach Blair's eyes and it felt nice to have a home and someone who cared, it felt - warm.

The end