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Episode Summary: Paranoia runs high when Binghamton is convinced the crew of PT-73 is out to kill him. -- from season 2 DVD box set
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Carpenter sat at the desk outside the door to Binghamton’s office. He flinched at yet another scathing remark from Admiral Tucker. The door may have been closed but it did nothing to muffle the Admiral’s irate command voice.
Carpenter hunched down in his seat and glanced over his shoulder at the door. He winced. “Oh, Captain. I’m glad I’m not in your shoes right now,” he muttered.
The tone of Tucker’s voice made Carpenter’s teeth rattle and he could just imagine Binghamton cowering in the face of Tucker’s displeasure. Carpenter chewed on his bottom lip. “But he’s gonna take it out on me later.”
“You’re a first place idiot, Binghamton!”
“But, McHale,” Binghamton tried.
“Belay that!” Tucker snapped. “I’ve heard about you, always trying to blame McHale for your incompetence!”
“Admiral--”
“You will stand at attention when I’m speaking to you!”
It took all Carpenter had not to jump to attention himself. He faced forward again. He sat forward with his elbows on the desk top. He buried his head in his hands.
“Hey, Carpy,” McHale whispered.
Carpenter jumped at the hand on his shoulder and hot breath on his ear. He looked around wildly. He took a few deep breaths as he finally realized that they were alone in the outer office. “Geez, Quint.”
McHale pushed Carpenter back down in his seat. “Just take it easy, Lucky.”
Carpenter tilted his head back towards Binghamton’s door. “How can I take it easy when Admiral Tucker is busy tearing the Captain a new one?”
Tucker’s voice thundered again. “Just what kind of base are you running here?”
McHale snickered and perched on the side of the desk next to Carpenter. “Well, he did get the Admiral in the face with that birthday cake.”
“Let me get this straight. You were trying to hit a bird. A gripple bird!” Tucker shouted.
McHale bit his tongue to keep from laughing while Carpenter frowned in sympathy. Carpenter tapped McHale’s knee. “It’s not funny.”
McHale grabbed Carpenter’s hand and gave it a quick squeeze. “Yes, it is.”
Carpenter gave a small smile and ran his finger along McHale’s palm. “Why didn’t you tell me about the surprise party? I could’ve helped.”
“I didn’t get a chance.” McHale arched his eyebrows suggestively. “The last time we were alone, I had other things on my mind.”
Tucker’s voice could’ve shattered glass. “You’re an absolute disgrace!”
Carpenter blushed and stammered, “Quint, the Admiral’s gonna walk out that door any minute.”
“All right.” McHale chuckled and stood up. He crossed to the far side of the desk and sat down. “Hey, what made Binghamton think we were out to get him anyway?”
Carpenter cleared his throat. “Well…”
McHale grinned and leaned forward. He lowered his voice. “Come on, Lucky. Spill.”
Carpenter met McHale half way. “You remember that morning the Captain took away your beer ration?”
“Yeah.”
“We had lunch with a couple other captains in the officer’s mess afterwards. They told him about some other officers who were too hard on their crews and…” Carpenter’s voice trailed off and he ran his finger across his throat.
McHale had to bite his lip to keep from laughing again. “You mean that story about old Ironfist being washed overboard?”
Carpenter swallowed and nodded nervously. “Yeah.”
McHale sat back. He covered his mouth to hide his smile. “You don’t really believe that do you?”
“Well…”
“It didn’t happen. Neither did the nitro in the cough syrup.”
“Really?”
McHale nodded solemnly. “Really. Stories like that have been floating around for years. Don’t pay any attention.”
Carpenter smiled in relief. “Okay, then.”
The laugh finally forced its way out, rumbling from McHale’s chest. “Don’t tell me that Binghamton’s hysteria is catching.”
Carpenter stiffened in his seat. He glared. He opened his mouth to reply when Tucker’s aide rushed in carrying a clean uniform.
The aide knocked swiftly and opened the office door. Tucker’s voice came out at triple the volume. “Gripple bird! Is this a naval base or a zoo?!”
The door slammed behind the aide. Carpenter and McHale just stared at each other. Suddenly, they both burst out laughing.
McHale wiped his eyes. “And the worst part is the gripple bird got away scot free.”