Work Text:
"AFTER EVAN"
A short "Harsh Realm" story
Written by Alison M. Dobell
* * *
It took a long time for me to get over Evan but not as long as I had feared. I had loved him and in the end he had not loved me enough. They had been right, I had been wrong, but it still hurt. Like damn. Looking back I could not even feel the shock of his death. In a way it was a relief knowing I would never bump into him again, never have to look into those eyes that promised the earth but left only the mud on his shoe behind him. I had loved him and for that I was not sorry. I was sorry only that he did not love me back. The way I loved him. It was Pinocchio who ended it even after he told Evan it was over for me. Even after Hobbes pressed the point to make sure he had got the message. He would have been alright if he had not lost his temper. Not struck out and punched me in the face when I tried to say goodbye. Whatever else Pinocchio was, he was no wife beater. The very idea of anyone raising a hand to me was not an option a sane man would entertain. Maybe Evan was not sane. He certainly killed my love for him in that heartbeat. Stone dead. After the shock wore off I was glad he was dead. If Pinocchio had not shot him I would have. Funnily enough the one who took it hardest was Hobbes. I still don't know whether he was more shocked that Evan had hit me or that Pinocchio had shot him. In a way his reaction was funny. All the death and destruction we have faced in Harsh Realm and this is the thing he can't get his head around. If my heart was not breaking in two I would laugh.
Since it happened Pinocchio has hardly been more than a few feet from me. Whatever he is doing, he makes sure he can see me, be close if I need him. I know he cares. He always has and I love him for that. He is the brother I never had, the father I never knew, the lover I always wanted. We never did explore our feelings for each other, never wandered off alone into the woods to make like rabbits, neither did we pretend that we could all live happily ever after together. And yet in a way I feel as if I am married to him, as if we belong together. It just feels right. I could not bear to be parted from him. How he feels I do not know but at times I look at him and it is as if his heart is laid bare, a glimpse of something so fierce, proud and protective that it seems incredible he could feel that way about me. That he could love me so much but he does. I wonder why he does not say anything but think I understand. Inga ruined him for love. Ruined him for me. But I am not Inga. I could never hurt him, betray him or leave him. It is enough for me that he is there. Then Evan came along and it was as if a madness came over me. I could not see straight, think through what I was doing. I was like some giddy school girl with a crush. Now that part of my life is over there is a subtle change. I find it hard to put into words except to say that Evan somehow opened up Pandora's Box. A lot of stuff came out that none of us expected. Things changed but things also became clearer. Pinocchio for one.
It was weeks afterwards. I had almost forgotten about the fool I had made of myself. I was down by the stream. Hobbes was writing another letter he would never send, Dexter asleep next to him. I was trying to wash the blood out of my top. I had not realised it was still marked from where Evan had hit me. I didn't hear him come up to me but sensed he was near. It was the oddest thing. Like living in the dark all your life only to find your hand was on the lightswitch the whole time. He was checking on me, making sure I was okay and trying to hide the look of concern. That was when I knew. That was when the truth hit me like it was lit up in neon letters ten feet high. I remember turning to him as he joined me, his eyes looking down at the top in my hands. Noticing the smear of blood that would not come out. His eyes lifted to mine and there it was. A shining place in his heart all for me. I was so stunned I wanted to cry, to laugh, to sing, to celebrate, only I didn't know how. It was one of those beautiful moments when neither of us needed to say or do anything. He knew and I knew he knew. That kiss will live with me until I die. We have kissed before, like kids trying it out, teenagers wanting to see if there was any mileage in it. This was different. This was a love all grown up and serious. Something that welded hearts together for keeps. His feelings became my feelings and mine became his. You could not tell where I ended or he began and it blew me away. I wanted to stay in his arms forever. I cannot describe how beautiful it was without crying. He held me all through the night. We did not make love. That was not what it was about. Making love is the easy part. Understanding, forming connections that will last a lifetime - that is what counts. That is what we did. He talked. I listened. I have never felt so safe before, so loved. Then he kissed me and cradled me while I slept. I thought my heart would not be able to hold the love I felt for him but the wonder of it is how the heart just grows and keeps on growing to take whatever love you can fill it with. It was amazing.
We never have spoken of it since. Nor have we ever been closer. I am happy now. More than I have ever been. I know I will not lose him, that he will not desert me when the going gets tough or someone else comes along. That is not the way it is with him. In a way Evan did me a favour. He made me grow up. He made me grow up enough to finally realise the love I was so desperately seeking all my life has been with me all this time. I just hadn't known it. I look up. Hobbes is still writing. Dexter has fallen asleep. Pinocchio is keeping watch. I look at his profile in the darkness and he turns as if sensing my eyes on him. A tiny smile dusts his downturned mouth and transforms his solemn face, removes the lines of care and hardship and I see the boy he once was. I see the man I was always destined to love. And what is the biggest miracle of all is that he sees me...
[END]