Work Text:
The First Time I Let My Padawan Drive….
by Ornery
Me an' my padawan was haulin' mynocks on a flatbed out of Wiggins, and we'd just spent all night on the uphill side of thirty-seven miles of hell called The Shell, which is up on just this side of the Outer Rim.
We was settin' there suckin' toothpicks, drinkin' Nehi and onion soup mix, and I said, "Obi Wan, let's call the Temple then send them mynocks on down the other side. Yeah, let's give 'em a ride."
Obi Wan put down his bottle, mashed his foot down on the throttle, and then a couple'a cubes with a thousand tubes in a 48465 Aero-Peterbilt screamed to life: We woke up the mynocks.
Well, we roared up offa that shoulder sprayin' pine cones, rocks, and boulders, and put four hundred head of them Fog Island red-skinned mynocks and a couple a' burnt-out breeders on the line. Look out below: 'Cause here we go!
Well, we commenced to movin' and them mynocks commenced to croakin' and then Obi Wan took out a match and scratched his pants and lit up the unused half of a credit cigar and took a puff.
And says "My, ain't this purdy up here."
I says, "Obi Wan, this hill can spill us. You better slow down or you're gonna kill us. Just make one mistake and it's the End of the Line for them eight-five crates a' Republic-approved, Grade A croakers. You wanna hit second?"
(Chorus)
Ground Transport Hell, way up on the Outer Rim
Slidin' on down the other side….
Well, Obi Wan grabbed onto the shifter and he stabbed her into fifth gear and then the chromium-plated, fully-illuminated genuine accessory shift knob come right off in his hand.
I said, "You wanna screw that thing back on, Padawan?"
He was tryin' to thread it on there, when the fire fell off a' his cigar and dropped on down, sorta rolled around, and then lit up the hem of Obi Wan's pants and burned a hole in his sock.
Yeah, it sorta set him right on fire.
I looked on outta the window and I started countin' ground communication poles, goin' by at the rate of four to the seventh power. Well I put two and two together, and added twelve and carried five; come up with twenty-two thousand poles an hour.
I looked back at Obi Wan and his eyes were wide, his lip was curled, and his leg was fried. And his hands were froze to the wheel like a tongue to a sled in the middle of a blizzard.
I says, "Padawan, I'm not the type to complain; but the time has come for me to explain that if you don't apply the brakes real soon, they're gonna have to pick us up with a stick and a spoon."
Well, Obi Wan reared back, and cocked his leg, stepped as down as hard as he could on the brake, and the pedal went clear to the floor and stayed right there on the floor.
He said it was sorta like steppin' on a plum.
Well, from there on down it just wasn't real purdy: It was hairpin county and switchback city. One of 'em looked like a can full'a worms; another one looked like malaria germs. And right in the middle of the whole damn show, was a real nice tunnel:
Now wouldn't you know?
The sign said the clearance was to the twelve-foot line, but them mynocks was stacked to thirteen-nine. Well, we shot that tunnel at a hundred-and-ten, like gas through a funnel or eggs through a hen.
We took that top row of mynocks off slicker than scum off a Dagobah swamp.
We went down and around and around and down 'til we run outta ground at the edge of a town. Bashed right into the side of a feed store.…
In downtown Pagosa Springs.
(Chorus)
Ground Transport Hell, way up on the Outer Rim
Slidin' on down the other side
Ground Transport Hell, way up on the Outer Rim
Slidin' on down the other side