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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-05
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609
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1/1
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"All I know is that I Should"

Summary:

Tony's finding his way towards freedom. UnBeat'd and rough and all in the moment fic inspired by Missy Higgins "Where I Stood."

Work Text:

Tilting his head into the fading sunshine, he rolled his shoulders. And rubbing his toes in the deep grass, he thinks a little bit more. He'd been leaning back in the same position for nearly 2 hours. Trying to relax hadn't helped him at all. Because really what did he have to show for his reflective time was the question. The answer staring him back from the bottom of his stubby dirty toes was nothing. Nothing at all had been decided. He knew he needed a change, his vacation to the deep south told him so. He'd never felt as free as he had in the last 2 weeks of his leave time.

A string of bad cases, bad relationships, and a bit of bad everything else had just served to bog him down. He was at the lowest he'd been in years. 10 longs years after meeting Leroy Jethro Gibbs and Tony had once again fallen into a deep pit. It had been lust at first sight. Admiration and hero-worship for the next few years. It wasn't until the amnesia, Mexico, Jeanne and more that it had stopped. Everything he'd felt for the man had just stopped and morphed before him. All the crap that had fallen at his feet had made his heart turn from a slow burning love to a quick a fiery disgust and loathing. But now after nearly a decade by Gibbs' side all Tony felt was apathy. It hadn't been until he'd been shot again and forced into taking leave that he'd decided to not only escape the city but escape the team and his old life as well.

He didn't know who he was anymore. He looked into the mirror most days and barely stopped the tears. He knew a deep depression had taken hold of him. But he also knew that there were a whole slew of other problems. Escaping would be the cowards way out but it wasn't as if old man DiNozzo's son knew any different. It had only taken 8 more very long years for his instincts to kick in. Leaving the cold city of DC for the warm relaxing comforts of the Carolinas had given him great joy. He'd smiled and laughed more in the past days then he had in years. He knew this was the place of his last stand. He'd send in his letter, gather his things, and say a few goodbyes. But then that was it. he'd leave with his head held high. He would be free.

It had taken a decade but it was worth it in some ways. Not alot but some ways had helped him. The team had never understood what they gave him and they probably never would. Leaving was the only answer for him now. His only avenue of escape was open to him now. He had finally escaped his father ghost, Gibbs' obsessive hold upon him, and he was finding freedom a heady thing. He was discovering that without him he was finding out who he should have been years ago. Should've, would've, could've was in the here and now and damn did it feel as if he had finally arrived.

And looking into the sun once more Tony can't help but sigh. Happiness was hard but worth the price, it seemed. With just a little breath in, he realized it all still hurt. Physically and mentally, he knew healing would be long in coming. He also knew he'd have to find himself a lot more before the feelings of happiness and freedom stayed with him.